5. This Is How You Need To Fight
* As I was thinking about how to continue this next part, I realized that one thing I didn't highlight fully in the last chapter was the time difference between the two. Remember, they are not in the same country; Ga Eul's in Seoul and Yi Jeong's in Sweden. There is an 8-hour time difference.
So with that in mind, this is Ga Eul's POV of the phone call between her and Yi Jeong, in her timezone. Her cell ringtone is 8eight's 심장이 없어 (Without A Heart).
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If I say that I'm in pain, I'm scared that I'll really be in pain
If I say that I'm sad, I'm scared that I will shed my tears
Why don't I just laugh, just laugh, just laugh...
But people ask me why I'm crying...
It takes me a while to realize that I'm really hearing my cell phone ringtone at… 2.35am? I groggily reach for my phone on my nightstand and stash it under some cushions sharing my bed. I refuse to entertain any calls at this unearthly hour.
I'm without a heart, I don't have a heart
Again today, I can see through your lies
What the hell? Has this person no decorum when it comes to making phone calls? They obviously haven't got anything better to do, damn prank caller. I refuse to open my eyes. I bury the phone deeper into the plushy mound of cushions and soft toys, trying to ignore its vibrations, and sad song on replay, hoping this person won't call back again.
My heart is in so much pain, I'm begging for your help
How can I smile in times like this?
But the phone rings for the third time. Man, this person is relentless. I groan and reach for the phone, attempting to find the 'reject' button with my eyes closed, but I find myself accepting the call by accident. Crap. I put the phone to my ear and I say nothing. Maybe they might not even think I'm there. I expect to hear a dialtone, or in a worst-case scenario, something weird (like heavy breathing) on the other end, but instead, all I hear is the result of my actions catching up with me. Not that I know it immediately.
"How could you say all that to me?"
My eyes struggle to open upon hearing that all too familiar voice. My brain kicks into sudden overdrive, and my entire body experiences a premature rush of adrenaline even before it's fully awake. My reflexes are still slow, however, and it takes me a while for me to really connect what was going on, and who I'm talking to.
"Did you mean every single word, Ga Eul?" Yi Jeong continues, his voice desperate and shaking over the miles. He shoots questions after questions, after questions, each shot furious and unyielding.
"Do you resent me that much? Is this really how you feel? Is this really what you think of me? Do you really think that I'm out to break your heart?"
It's too much for me to be on the firing squad at this hour. My brain searches for the words to say, but my subconscious has the upper hand, and it quickly gains control of my tongue.
"No. I just want to break yours." The words are out of my mouth even before I could hold them back.
He kept quiet for a while, before I heard his quivering voice again. "Wh-why would you want to break mine?"
My heart was pounding. You're still angry at him, Ga Eul. He's left you alone for so long, he's kept you waiting, without a word. Don't you forget that. "Just so you know how it feels like to be on the receiving end. Casanovas never get to experience what their conquests do."
"You are NOT a fucking conquest, Ga Eul-yang! Why the hell would you think that? Haven't I already told you what you mean to me? What will it take for you to believe me?"
My body jolts suddenly at this sound of fury. I am awake. It's hard not to be when you hear a voice like that, enraged. A deep breath of air enters my lungs and I pull myself upright. I've heard him emotional before, but I've never heard him this angry. It actually scared me. As much as I knew this was real, it wasn't enough. He wasn't fighting hard enough. I need him to fight for me. To prove how much more I mean to him. That all I'd been hoping for, waiting for, hasn't been a lie.
"I-I will believe you when… when you actually start to mean what you say."
Silence again. Holding my breath, I will myself not to cry. My free hand reaches to clutch a cushion. This is agony for me. As much as I still resent what he's done (or hasn't), what I resent more was the fact that I will never not feel anything for him.
A bitter laugh seeps through the phone. "Well," says a callous voice I don't recognize, "Congratulations, Chu Ga Eul. Whatever you're trying to do to me, whatever point you're trying to get across, you've won! You've done it! I hope you're happy now. Because if you've been bitter about how silent we have been, then guess what? You are going to become a bitter old woman because thanks to you, there will be an eternity of silence between us. You will never hear from me again. And I mean it."
The call ends abruptly. The dialtone blares in my ear long after he hangs up, but I continue holding on to the phone.
What have I done?
