Author's note: Is it even possible these days to write a vampire parody without making some cheap reference to Twilight?
Since this fanfic is shedding its vampire parody roots in favour of becoming an uninspired shonen battle story, I may as well get this out of the way before I forget:
Keeping the sparkles out of vampires since 2012:
Kuroko and the Vampire of Shinjuku
Chapter Three: All your base are belong to us
"I killed someone," Kagami said to Kuroko one day, as if he had only just figured this out. "You stupid idiot, look what you made me do."
They were sitting in the fast food joint and Kagami was devouring his usual mountain of burgers with relish. Kuroko simply sat across from him peering at him carefully, his lips curled meditatively around the straw of his vanilla shake.
"Does a vampire even count?" he wondered aloud.
Kagami ate a burger in one deft chew.
"Maybe," he said. "I'm not sure. Damn."
"Oh well," said Kuroko.
"Argh! What do you mean oh well?"
"It's but a distant memory."
"IT WAS TWO DAYS AGO, YOU DIMWIT!"
At that time, they both thought no vampires would ever bother them again. Their ordeal was done. Complete. Finito. Owari. Anything more was just another one of those lame, unnecessary money-grabbing sequels.
Kagami was still grumbling irately at Kuroko as they left the food joint when someone tapped him on the back. A young boy's voice spoke up.
"Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. Did you mention vampires?"
His tone was polite and brisk. Kagami and Kuroko both turned around, a little startled that someone had managed to sneak up on them both.
On first glance, he looked like an octogenarian with a twelve-year-old boy's face. He wore a faded brown suit that looked like it might have been in fashion back in early nineteenth century Massachusetts and he held a long, thick pipe with smoke wafting out of the end of it. It was a marvel that no one had stopped this kid and informed him, gently yet firmly, that smoking was not legal for minors.
Kagami stared down at him. The child was half his height. "Who're you?" he asked bluntly.
"My, how rude," the young boy sniffed. "Youngsters these days have no manners!"
"Did you just call us youngsters, you little squirt?"
"Excuse me," Kuroko broke in politely. He introduced himself and Kagami to the boy, before he asked, "What's your name?"
The young boy nodded at him with approval. "Now that's more like it. My name is Kid." After he said this, he placed the pipe back into his mouth and exhaled.
"Don't blow that smoke in my face, Kid!" Kagami wrinkled his nose.
Kid ignored him. He turned back to Kuroko. "You were talking about vampires?"
Kuroko nodded.
"Don't tell him that so easily!" Kagami groaned.
"What a fascinating coincidence," Kid remarked. "Why, I'll have you know, back in the day, I was a Vampire Slayer. A mighty good one, I'll add."
"Oh, so you're retired now," Kuroko said with mild interest.
"Quite."
"Indeed."
"Rather."
"Both of you frustrate the hell out of me," Kagami said through gritted teeth.
Kuroko blinked and seemed to recall his opinion of vampires. "I'm sorry, we're not interested in vampires," he told Kid in an even tone.
"Yeah, we've had enough of them to last us a lifetime," Kagami declared.
Kid peered at them both curiously. There was something measured in his gaze. It wasn't just in the strange clothes and the fact that he smoked – there really was a part of him that was not and perhaps had never been childish about him.
"They are rather troublesome," Kid agreed, after a moment of pause. "Well, I suppose I should get going now. Perhaps fate might choose to let us meet again. It was a pleasure meeting you."
He only shook Kuroko's hand before he left.
… And of course Kagami was still whinging about Kid at practice the next morning.
"That stupid old brat!" Kagami said, scowling. "That annoying young coot!"
"I think he liked me," said Kuroko.
Kagami growled.
The two boys were distracted from their low-key bickering when they heard murmuring voices from their team mates behind them.
"Has anyone seen the coach today?"
"It's not like her to skip…"
"Maybe she's sick?"
Kuroko blinked and looked around the gym. The others were right. Aida was nowhere within sight.
She couldn't be sick, Kuroko thought. Aida could have pneumonia and she would still turn up. Or even herpes.
He was suddenly very thoughtful; perhaps, you could say, he was even on edge…
Abruptly, someone banged on the door and it opened. Aida's father stormed into the hall, waving a pistol with one hand and a piece of scrunched up paper in the other.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS MADNESS?" he demanded furiously.
Everybody on the court stiffened.
"No one perved on your daughter, sir," Mitobe said feebly.
"SILENCE!" roared Aida senior. "EXPLAIN THIS!"
He threw the scrunched-up piece of paper at Kagami, who caught it and began to smooth it out with puzzlement.
"Well?" Aida senior pressed him.
There was a message written in reddish-brown letters on the paper. On closer inspection, it was dried up blood.
And the message read:
Tetsuya Kuroko + Taiga Kagami address. This transmittance from Vampire of Shinjuku. Displaced coach is vampire among. She in our care, the Den of Vampires. Submit our will to & alive u will see again. All your base are belong to us.
"Did they use Google Translator to write this or what?" Izuki remarked.
"Looks like a prank letter," Hyuga said dismissively.
Kuroko and Kagami looked at each other very, very uneasily because they knew better. The fact that the letter was addressed to them and written in blood – maybe even Aida's blood – just made the truth of the matter all the more obvious. The vampires' writing ability aside, Aida was missing and her father had found this letter. Kuroko and Kagami had met a vampire themselves and they had killed one too. It wasn't too hard to imagine that the rest of them would consider revenge.
"We're going to rescue her," they said in unison. And they looked at each other and they both nodded.
They had gotten into this mess together. They would get out of it together.
Next chapter: … and so begins the Soul Society arc.
… Oh wait I've only written a thousand words. Whoops. This chapter's not over yet, dear reader! Encore! Encore!
As you may recall me writing earlier, it's practically impossible for mortals to find the Den of Vampires. Two years ago, I was in the Shinjuku area myself and I searched high and low for the elusive Den. For my troubles, I ended up with nothing but a few tissues random girls had given to me as I walked by. I do not have them now, for I wiped my nose with them.
Although I have personally never come across the Den, there are people that I know that have. They do not make up a very large percentage of the population, admittedly. So to take a short detour from the plot at hand here, I will tell you about my encounter with the former Vampire Slayer named Kid and how he came to know of the location of this fabled Den.
I met Kid at Tokyo Disneyland. It was an atypical summer day; the rain fell resoundingly and my dick of a mate (who I have mentioned in my author's note of chapter two) broke my umbrella because he was curious as to what would happen if he bashed it against the pavement. The natural cause and effect ensued. So there I was, holding an umbrella with the wires all broken in the pouring rain and all I could think was to get it out of my hands as quickly as possible. I spotted a boy walking along by himself, so I handed my mangled umbrella to him and you know what he said to me? He said he owed me his life.
You might be aware of how the queues in Disneyland are a mile long. So me and Kid got to talking and I realised – what an amazing life this boy had led! He was born in the year 1084 and, when he was twelve, he was bitten by a sickly vampire. A partial transformation had taken place – he became long-lived much as vampires are and as sensitive to supernatural forces. For years, he struggled to overcome a new-found craving for human blood. This he never quite achieved, so now Kid goes to the hospital and has regular blood transfusions. Being an arts student, I did not understand the medical jargon, but I believe that the condition he has, or what is interpreted by doctors at any rate, is that his heart does not distribute enough blood for his system, despite having a normal pulse rate. By having blood transfusions, Kid lowers his need to suck blood.
As you can imagine, things were not always so convenient for him. After being bitten and cast away by those who loved him, Kid had nothing in life to cling to but revenge. His vendetta was long-lived. He spent centuries hunting down vampires and exterminating them. Yet as the years went on and vampires became more and more a figment of our imaginations, Kid's zeal for vengeance faded. He could still find the Den of Vampires through his heightened beast senses, but he does nothing these days but to observe them. If they ever came out and bit humans again, he would be a force of reckoning.
This was about all I got to speak of with Kid before I parted ways with him, though he writes letters to me sometimes. Always snail mail, of course. I tell him people use Email and Facebook these days, but I'm afraid he is rather set in his ways.
This is a belated explanation, but the reason why I know this story and am at liberty to disclose it is because quite recently, Kid wrote to me about Kuroko and the Vampire of Shinjuku. He described his second encounter with Kuroko in particular detail. I think you, dear reader, might find it kind of interesting.
After some vain attempts to find the Den of Vampires, Kuroko and Kagami were distraught. Kagami had his stake with him, but so far they had not seen anything to stab. It was all rather disheartening.
They were just walking past the fast food joint, with no intention of going inside to eat just yet, when they spotted Kid standing outside the entrance, waving to them cordially.
"You boys look like you've got something to do," he remarked. "Is there any way I can help?"
"You're a Vampire Slayer, right?" Kagami said urgently. "You know where the Den of Vampires is, right?"
"I do."
Kagami swiftly grabbed hold of Kid's shirt and brought him up to face level. "Then tells us where it is!"
At this point, Kid shook his head solemnly. "I'm afraid not," he said gravely. "You're too weak now."
Kagami looked furious. "Too weak! I don't give a crap, you young buffoon! The coach, she's-!"
Kuroko stopped him with his hand. "Please," he said to Kid.
Kid thought about it. As in, really thought about it. He looked at Kagami and Kuroko, but particularly at Kuroko, as if trying to gauge his worth with his eyes. In a sense, it was like he was using Aida's scan ability.
Finally, he said, "I'll tell where it is – but only if you can defeat me."
Kagami put down Kid, placed his hands on his hips, and grinned. "Now that's a language I can speak!"
He did not notice Kuroko peering at Kid and squinting, noticing something in the immortal boy that he recognised in nowhere but himself.
What it was exactly, he had no idea of at the time.
Next chapter (for real!): There is no other way to fight in this universe except through basketball. It is the definitive measure of all our strength and worth as people. It is through basketball that we live and it is through basketball that we die.
All hail Michael Jordan.
