Arthur Kirkland and his crackling stump.
A long time ago, in a faraway land, there lived a foolish King who thought that he and he alone should have the power of magic. He then proclaimed that the Brigade of Witch Hunters should be made, and gave them a pack of ferocious black hounds. Yet at the same time, he issued another proclamation that said, 'Wanted by the King: an Instructor in Magic.'
No true Wizard or Witch would come forward, as they were all too busy running from the Brigade of Witch Hunters.
However a cunning man with no magical powers went forward, seeing a chance to enrich himself for the better. He went to the palace, claiming that he was a wizard of amazing skill. He did some simple magic and convinced the foolish King of his power. The King immediately appointed him the Grand Sorcerer in Chief, and the King's Private Magic Master.
The man, known as Alfred F. Jones, had the King give him a large sack of gold, so that he could go and buy wands and other necessities. He also requested several large rubies, so that he cast charms, and finally a silver chalice so that he could store and mature potions. All these things the King provided.
Alfred stored all these things safely then returned to the palace.
Alfred didn't know that he was being watched by a man who worked in his house at the edge of the castle grounds. His name was Arthur Kirkland, and he was the washman who kept the palace linens soft, fragrant, and white. Peering from his place behind the drying sheets, Arthur saw Alfred snap two branches from one of the King's trees and disappear inside the palace.
Alfred gave one of the twigs from the tree to the King, and assured the King that it was a wand of great power.
"It will only work," Alfred said, "when you're worthy of it."
Every morning the King and Alfred would walk into the palace grounds, where they would wave their wands and shout nonsense to the sky. Alfred was certain to cast more tricks, so that the King would be convinced that he had magic skills.
One morning the King and Alfred were doing as they always did, twirling their twigs and hopping in circles, and chanting meaningless rhymes. The sound of Arthur's cracking laughter reached their ears. Arthur was watching the King and Alfred from his hiding place in her tiny cottage. He was laughing so hard at their antics that he couldn't stand on his own.
"I must look so stupid to make our old washman laugh so much!" The King exclaimed. He ceased everything that he was doing and frowned, "I won't practice anymore, when can I do magic in front my subjects?"
Alfred tried his best to sooth the King, assuring that he would soon be able to perform great magic, but Arthur's laughter stung the foolish King more than Alfred knew.
"Tomorrow, we will invite the entire court to watch me perform magic!" The King claimed.
Alfred knew that the time had come to take his treasure and flee.
"But your majesty, I have to leave tomorrow to go and get more medical supplies and junk," Alfred tried to weasel his way out of it, but the King would have none of it.
"You will not leave! If you do, then I will have the Brigade of Witch Hunters to hunt you down. Tomorrow you will help me with magic to my subjects, and if anyone laughs, you will be beheaded!"
The King left back to his state room, leaving Alfred alone and scared for his life. Nothing he could do would save him now, for he couldn't leave and he couldn't talk his way out of this. Looking for a way to vent his anger and fear, Alfred went to the window of Arthur the washman, determined to tell her off. When he looked into the window he saw Arthur sitting in a chair polishing his wand, and in the corner the linens were washing themselves.
Alfred knew at once that Arthur was a true wizard, and that it was him who could solve his problem.
"You! You were the one who got me in so much trouble. You have to help me now, and if you don't then I will tell everyone that you're a witch, and you'll get torn apart by the hounds."
Arthur smiled, and said that he would do everything in his power to help. Alfred told him to conceal himself in a bush, and perform all the spells that the King performed without his knowledge. Arthur agreed, but had one question.
"What if he tries to do a spell that I cannot do?"
Alfred scoffed.
"Your power is equal to that idiot's imagination," Alfred assured, as he left to go back to the castle, happy that he came up with a way to get out of his predicament.
The next morning all the men and women of the Kingdom assembled into the palace grounds. The King got onto stage in front of them, with Alfred at his side.
"I shall now make this ladies hat disappear!" The King cried out, pointing his twig at the woman.
From inside the bush, Arthur pointed his want at the hat, and made it vanish. The crowd was shocked, and applauded greatly.
"Now, I'll make this horse fly!" The King cried, pointing his twig at the horse.
From inside the bush, Arthur pointed his wand at the horse and made it rise high into the air. The crowd was even more amazed and roared as loudly as they could.
"And now…" The King trailed off, looking around for an idea, and the Captain of the Brigade of Witch Hunters ran forward.
"Your majesty! Just this morning, Pochi, one of our hounds, died. Please bring him back to life!" asked the Captain. He heaved onto stage the dead body of the hound.
The foolish King brandished his twig, but the dead god did not rise. Arthur smiled and did nothing, for no magic can bring back the dead. When the dig didn't rise, the crowd began to whisper, and then they began to laugh. They began to think that the previous displays of magic were nothing more than card tricks.
"Why doesn't it work?" The King screamed at Alfred, much like a child when he doesn't get his way. Alfred did the only thing he could think of.
"There! Look there your majesty!" Alfred pointed to the bush where Arthur was concealed. "I see him easily, a wicked wizard who is blocking your magic with his own. Seize him! Guards!"
Arthur ran as fast as he could from the bush, the Brigade of Witch Hunters on his heels. Yet when Arthur reached a low hedge, he vanished from sight. When the King, Alfred, and everyone else arrived they found the hounds at the base of a tree, scratching and clawing at it.
"He has turned himself into a tree!" Alfred screamed, and worried that Arthur would become human again and reveal him, he added, "Cut him down! It's the only way your majesty."
Almost immediately, an axe was brought, and the old tree was chopped down within minutes. Everyone cheered when they heard the 'thump' of the tree hitting the ground. Yet as they turning away and back to the palace, the sound of crackling laughter stopped them in their tracks.
"Bloody idiots!" cried Arthur's voice from the tree stump that had been left behind.
"No witch or wizard can be killed simply by cutting them in half! Take that axe, if you don't believe me, and cut the Grand Sorcerer in two!"
The Captain of the Witch Brigade, happy to have an experiment, raised the axe. But as soon as he did so, Alfred fell to his knees, revealing everything begging for mercy. As he was dragged away, Arthur's voice laughed louder than ever.
"By cutting me in half you have unleashed a deadly curse!" Arthur told the scared King. "Now every stroke of harm you place upon my fellow witches and wizards you will feel as if the blow was made to yourself instead of them. It will get so maddening, eventually you will wish you would die from it, but you never will!"
At the final words the King fell to his knees as well, claiming that he would make it so that no witch and wizard would be harmed again,
"Good enough, but you have yet to make it up to me yet!" Arthur said.
"Anything you wish!" sobbed the foolish King, bowing before the stump.
"Right here you will make a statue of me, to forever remind you of your foolishness," said Arthur.
The King immediately agreed, and set out to find the best sculptor and also said that the statue should be made out of pure gold. Eventually everyone left, leaving Arthur crackling to himself.
When the palace grounds were deserted, from the small hole in the stump came out a green bunny with wings, and it held Arthur's wand between its teeth. Arthur hopped out and hopped away and never came back, even as the statue was erected and stood upon the tree stump. No witch or wizard was ever persecuted in the Kingdom again.
