Title: How to Catch 'Straight' a Guy
Genre: Romance/ Humor
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I no own
Note: This fic is AU, has OOC, Yaoi, Yuri, and some odd couples. Pairings include: 1x2, 3x4, 5xR and various others. If you are uncomfortable with any of those this is not the fic for you.
Summary: I'm Duo Maxwell, an all in all sexy beast. Just about every girl wants me. Unfortunately for them I'm as straight as the letter 'S'. And unfortunatly for me I just so happen to be crushing on the straightest guy in school.
STEP II: Observe Him
I never realized how much I saw him on campus until I realized that we went to the same school. His name was Heero Yuy, he was in my grade, and was the quarterback for the football team. By being on the team, it meant that he would be at practice every Monday and Wednesday after school. Which meant that I could watch him as much as I wanted without coming off as a total creeper.
I even had an accomplice. Quatre insisted on following me during practice days, he even explained the basics of the game to me. Not that any of it ever stuck.
"You know, if Wufei knew that we were here watching the guy you're lusting over, he'd have a fit. I just don't know why you just don't make friends him." Quatre mused, leaning back onto the bleacher behind him.
I chuckled, "And what should I say? 'Hello there, remember me? I'm the guy you called a shitty actor! I've been stalking you for a while now, want to be best buds?'"
Quatre shrugged, "If that's how you want to start things off. I just don't feel all that comfortable stalking the poor man, I mean so far you've followed to the supermarket, the gym, the movies, the mall, and all over school. As a good friend I've been with you all the way, but this is not healthy Duo."
I rose an eyebrow at him, "You sure it's him you're stalking Quat? I mean…there are a lot of good looking guys on the team, and wherever he goes one of the football members is there."
He blushed. Apparently I had hit the nail on the head. "No, there is no guy; I just came to support you, seeing as I am your best friend."
"Your blush gives you away, bro." I yawned.
He laughed nervously, face turning red from forehead to collar. "Shut up."
Down on the field, my eyes followed Heero doing laps with his fellow team mates. "So, who's the lucky guy?"
Quatre shrugged, standing as before practice was even halfway done. "It's getting cold out here, let's go back to your house."
I nodded, "Sure."
"Hot cocoa, hot cocoa, ooooh how I love my cocoa!" My younger sister sang as we sat down at the kitchen table.
Hilde was only ten months younger than me, so we're pretty close. I have an older sister too, she's a senior in college now, her name's Lucrezia, but she went by her middle name which was Noin. Hil and I rarely saw her, only when she came home from work at night, but the three of us got along ok.
"Are you over Heero yet?" She asked as she gave each of us a mug of cocoa. "Because then you can start dating Quatre, he's already part of the family!"
Quatre's face flushed, "Noooo."
"Alas Hilde, he shot me down because he's already in love with someone else." I put a hand to my face and pretended to weep, "He gave his heart to another right about when I was willing to trust him with mine. Woe is to me!"
He frowned a bit, "Am I that obvious?" He then lets out a small sigh, "What do you think I should do about Trowa then?"
I shrugged, "You can always do what I'm doing."
My blond friend laughed, before taking one last drink and stood up. "I'm going to head home. It's almost curfew."
I walked him to the door and watched him mosey down the pathway and onto the pavement.
"Hey Wufei! I missed you so much!" I jumped onto my friend's back and wrapped my arms around his neck. God I love teasing him.
He tensed up and pried me off. "Duo! Personal space!"
I sighed. Ever since I could remember he's been so worried that people were going to think that he was gay as well. Not so much that he'd stop hanging out with Quatre and I, but a little more than the heterosexual adolescent.
We walked toward our first class, but stopped at the sound of high-pitched giggles.
"Great, the banshee's are at their usual perch," Wufei scoffed.
Said banshee's consisted of a group of cheerleaders. A few of them with their jock boyfriend. One of them being Heero himself.
As the first bell of the day rang, the group finally began to break up. I watched as Heero kissed his girlfriend and walk off toward his own first period. It was stupid of me to get jealous, it would only figure that he had a girlfriend and that he would be straight. I was just being stupid. Still, I couldn't help but get my hopes up.
"I can't believe that he's like, going to break up with her!" I heard someone whisper.
I turned my head slightly and noticed two of the cheerleaders at their lockers behind me.
"I know right! Heero and Relena are one of the cutest couples in school! I can't believe that he's going to dump her!"
I remained quiet and slightly in shock for a few minutes, maybe fate was on my side.
"Snap out of it, we're going to be late if we don't get inside the classroom in the next minute. And I really don't feel like getting detention on a Friday." Wufei sighed while nudging my elbow.
Second period I had with Quatre, who luckily sat in front of me.
"Hey, point out Trowa later at practice," I whispered to him before our teacher came back into the classroom from standing out in the hallway.
He nodded shyly, "No problem."
English is my worst subject, I just always found it so boring. So I focus all of my attention on my plan to win over Heero. If he was going to break up with his girlfriend, then it gave me a chance. Right? That's if Heero's interested of course. The next step was to be his friend, how the hell was I going to do that?
"Ugh," I muttered, and it took all of my efforts to not slam my head down onto the desk. I could tell that all of my sighing and fidgeting was starting to annoy Quatre because he tensed and looked like he was contemplating reaching around to hit me.
I rested my head on my arms and closed my eyes for a brief moment, knowing that the teacher wouldn't really notice if I took a quick nap.
The lunch lines were always ridiculously long. I stretched while waiting for my turn next. Maybe I'll buy pizza today.
Someone was crying behind me. A shallow, breathing, typeof crying that made one immediently feel pity. As slyly as possible, I glanced over my shoulder.
"It's alrighty Relena," The hushed voice of one of the cheerleaders tried comforting the honey blond girl.
Cheerleader two nodded in agreement, "You can do so much better than him."
There were a few more girls surrounding her.
Relena stood in the center, dabbing her eyes with a crumpled tissue and sniffling quietly to herself. The tip of her nose was red, and her eyes were watery, but she looked as if she were trying to hold it together as best as she could.
"He's not a jerk," She managed to choke, "I must've done something wrong." She looked heartbroken.
It made me feel guilty. Because I was still selfish enough to still want her exboyfriend.
"Poor Relena," Quatre whispered while saddling next to me in line, "Rumor had it that she was planning on sleeping giving Heero her v-card during winter break."
We quickly got our food and moved away from the flock of cheerleaders. Making our way to our usual spot.
Wufei was already there, eating his packed lunch and doing some homework. "I'm assuming that you two have heard about the golden couple breaking up. According to Dorothy, Heero had been planning this for a while."
"Still, what kind of heartless bastard breaks up with someone in the middle of the school day? And right before lunch too?" The blond next to me asked, opening a bag of chips.
"Are you and Dorothy an item or something? You talk to her an awful lot." I pointed out while taking a bite of my pizza.
Wufei smiled, "No, we're more like buisness partners."
Hilde walked up to our table, some fries in her hands, "Hey, did you hear the latest news about Heero and Relena?"
"Who hasn't? It's old news." Wufei answered, not even bothering to look up from his homework.
Hilde ignored him and grinned, "I have the perfect plan for you guys to bring that princess off of her high horse, because she thinks that she's going to be back with Heero."
"What's your plan?" I asked.
Her eyes caught an evil glint, "Well, you two," She pointed to Quatre and I, "can dress up as cheerleaders at the next football game, and when they do that pyramid thing, you can push Relena off and that will end up with her in the hospital." She finished her plot with an evil cackle.
The three of us gave Hilde disbelieving looks.
"That's something you do in a B rated comedy or in a bad fanfic." Quatre suddenly said.
Hild shrugged, "Hey, in my imagination it's funny." She said while moving a piece of long brown hair out of her face before disappearing off to her friends.
"What a weirdo," The blond beside me snorted.
That was when an idea popped into my brain. A brilliant idea! "Dude! Wu!"
He glanced up from his work, arching an eyebrown in question.
"Do you think Relena's pretty?" I asked excitedly, practically hopping in my seat.
He looked at me suspiciously, "She has a classic beauty about her. Why?"
"Well, if you're willing, I have a mission for you." And from there I began to explain my plan.
Quatre and I were once again on the bleachers, watching the football team practice. This time, we had cups of hot cocoa with us.
"So, where is he? Who's the man that you chose over me?" I teased.
Quatre laughed, "If he shows up, I'll point him but."
We watched them practice for about half an hour. Then the guy that kicks the ball over the field goal thingy walked out. (Ha! I'm learning!)
Quatre grinned widely, "That's him. That's Trowa."
He didn't have a helment on, and I could see his brown hair falling over one eye in an emo type hairstyle. He was on his way back into the locker room.
"We should go," The blond beside me suddenly said, "We have to study for that Chemistry test tomorrow."
I stood first, taking a leisure sip of cocoa and watching as he stood as well. Only, my friend managed to slip on his own feet, and fell over the side of the bleacher.
"Quat!" I ran over, only to see the fact that Trowa had managed to break his fall. Upong closer inspection, it was easy to see that the guy was handsome. With brown hair, green eyes, and an olive complection.
"Careful there," His voice was gentle and soothing. He had a hand around the blond's waist, keeping him steady.
Quatre was blushing something fiercly, "Sorry about that, I lost my footing."
"It's alright," Trowa smiled, moving away from my friend, "Just be more careful next time."
I snapped back into reality and looked back at my friend. "Quat! You alright down there buddy?" I asked before jumping down, landing on my feet perfectly. All those forced years in gymnastics paid off.
"Kat?" Trowa repeated.
"Jeez man, sorry that Quat fell on you. Are you alright?" I asked him.
"It's no problem," He waved his hand nonchalantly, "And I'm fine, thank you."
I grabbed Quatre by the shoulders," Thanks for catching Quat. It would have been horrible if we had to go to the emergency room."
Trowa nodded.
"Well, we owe you one. Bye!" I waved at him while leading Quatre away. "Come on, we'll go study for that test you were talking about." I told him.
"Um...okay Duo," Quatre finally spoke up, peeking back over his shoulder at the jock we just left behind.
When we're in my neighborhood my friend turned and gave me a tight hug, "I can't believe he touched me!"
I sighed and patted him on the back awkwardly.
Then his arms were suddenly limp at his side and he groaned. "Ugh. I made such a fool of myself! He must think I'm a total dork!"
I laughed. "Then that makes two of us."
"Duo!"
Hilde is once again in the kitchen by the time we get tom my house. The first thing I noticed about her was that her long hair was up in a beanie, making her look bald.
"What's up?" I greeted her while getting Quatre and myself snacks. The blond was at the kitchen table, getting our notes and textbooks out.
"Nothing much." She replied, making herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As she turned to put her knife into the sink, her beanie got caught on the pot rack, causing her to fall backwards onto the kitchen floor.
"Are you okay?" Both Quatre and I asked from the table.
"Yeah," Hilden managed to answer after cursing a storm.
After finding out she was okay, I couldn't help but laugh at her clumsiness.
"It's not funny!" Hilde yelled as she stood back up. The sight of her hair caused me to shut up quickly.
Her hair, once beautiful and chestnut colored, is now cut. Short. Boyish. And purple.
The two of us at the table gape at her.
"I pray to Allah that's a wig, Hilde," Quatre was the first to speak.
"Why?" She snapped in that oh-so teenage way.
"Because when Mom sees it, she's going to kill you," I told her, still in shock.
Hilde put her hands on her hips, "My body is my temple Duo."
"Well your temple is going to be in ruins once Mom and Dad are through with you." I replied easily. "Jesus Hil, Quatre and I only left you alone for two hours, and in that small amount of time you did this to yourself?" I motioned to her hair.
She grabed her beanie and walked out of the kitchen, sandwich in hand.
We watched her leave in silence, before Quatre spoke up, "What do you going to do with Heero now?"
I shrugged, "I don't know man, we'll burn that bridge when we cross it."
TBC
Originally Written: 12/5/07
Rewritten: 7/13/12
MLL: It took me forever to redo this chapter. There were so many inconsistancies. Anyways, I know this fic is utter crack, but I can't help but continue. Please review, flames are always welcome. FORGIVE THE ERRORS. I don't have a beta or spellcheck.
