Title: How to Catch 'Straight' a Guy

Genre: Romance/ Humor

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I no own

Note: This fic is AU, has OOC, Yaoi, Yuri, and some odd couples. Pairings include: 1x2, 3x4, 5xR and various others. If you are uncomfortable with any of those this is not the fic for you.

Summary: I'm Duo Maxwell, an all in all sexy beast. Just about every girl wants me. Unfortunately for them I'm as straight as the letter 'S'. And unfortunatly for me I just so happen to be crushing on the straightest guy in school.


STEP V: Get To Know Him


"Maybe I should just give up on Heero. These steps obviously aren't working." I said to my pillow.

Needless to say that I was more than a little bored. But my thoughts were true. I should've just listened to Wufei and just come right out with my feelings. I then began to cough.

I had been coughing, wheezing, sneezing and was just plain miserable all day. My mom had homemade soup for me in a thermos in case I got hungry; she was worried that it was more than just a cold. My dad, well, he wasn't as worried.

I slept most of the day away, never wanting to stay out of bed for too long due to the aches of my body and the lack of warmth outside of my blankets. Being sick just plain sucked.

Around 3pm was when I was expecting Hilde to come home with Quatre in tow. I honestly didn't feel like getting up and changing out of my pajama's for Quat, so the only thing I really did was re-braid my hair so it didn't look so much like a rats nest.

I was lounging on the living room couch when the front door opened. Revealing Hilde and...Heero?

Oh. FUCK. Were the only two words I could think of.

Heero Yuy was in my house and I was in my dumpy pajama's with my hair looking like shit. I knew I sounded like a girl, but damn it I always try to look good.

I threw the blanket that was covering me over my head. I curled up into a ball and pretended to be asleep.

"Oh, he's sleeping," Hilde whispered while walking around the couch. I could feel her eyes on me, she knew I was faking. I never slept with the blanket over my head.

"That's okay," Heero's voice was in a whisper as well, but his sounded husky and sexy. I squeezed my eyes shut, the last thing I needed was to be ill and horny. That was the worst feeling in the world.

"Just place the stuff on the coffee table, would you like anything to drink or eat before you go?" Hilde asked Heero sweetly.

"No thank you, I'll just be on my way, you have a good evening."

"You too, Heero."

The front door opened and closed again. This time I could hear the door being locked.

"He's gone, you faker," Hilde stated while throwing a couch pillow at my head, "you're such a girl, why were you pretending to be asleep?"

"Because I look terrible Hil', why did you let him in?" I asked before coughing into the blanket.

"You sure you don't have a vagina?" Hilde asked with a smirk.

"Shut the up, bitch." I laughed-wheezed, "You're such an ass."

"And you're a bleeding vagina," She snickered before going into the kitchen to get food.

I reached for my homework that was on the coffee table. So much damned homework, damned teachers!

"By the way," Hilde called from the kitchen, "Heero said he'd call later to check up on you. I gave him your cell number. Hope you don't mind."

I could already feel my nerves on fire, "Why did you do that?"

"You know, I ran into Heero on the way home, and I asked him if he wanted me to just give you those notes, but he insisted on coming with me. I think he likes you Duo." She was thinking out loud, it was obvious.

Even though I acted annoyed at Hilde, I don't think I loved my baby sister any more than I did at that moment.

"I mean, you're such a pansy when it comes to this guy. Get to know him better. That's why I gave him your number," Hilde said after a few minutes of silence.

I got off of the couch and followed her voice into the kitchen, sniffling miserably to myself. "Why was Heero here instead of Quatre?" I wondered.

"Trowa took him home. Heero offered to come instead," She gave me a smug look, "it's almost as if Heero and Trowa planned it."

"Wow," I said, taking in the information just fed to me. Digesting it, and smirking. Damn, it tasted good.


Hil and I were doing our homework together when Lu burst through the front door, making a direct beeline towards us.

"Duo!" She practically cried, "I need your help!"

Hilde and I looked up at our older sister. It was needless to say that we were confused.

"Hello to you too," I said sarcastically.

"It's your day to cook dinner by the way," Hilde added before going back to her Algebra II homework.

"I need you to try and help me hook up with Miliardo," Noin said immediately, not even bothering to beat around the bush. But I guess I liked that most about my older sister, she always went straight to the point.

"How am I gonna do that Lu? I've only met the guy once," I said before going back to my English IV homework.

"You're friends with his sister right? Put in a good word for me damn it!" Noin looked at me with puppy dog eyes, "Please do this for me?"

I sighed, but before I got to say anything to her my phone began to ring from my room, which made me literally jump out of my seat at the dining room table and rushed toward my bedroom.

The number was foreign to me, which made me leap for the phone, took in a deep breath and said in a sardonically cheerful voice, "Road Kill Café, you kill it, we grill it. How may I take your order?"

The line was quiet for a minute before I got an answer. "Hello…is Duo there…?"

I gasped and fell off of my bed. "Heero!"

"Ah. So it is you, I thought it was your voice."

I sat on the floor of my bedroom in complete silent for a second, in shock. Before I shook myself out of my stupor with a sniffle, "What's up?" I asked, realizing how dumb I sounded only after I had said it. Damn me, I'm usually such a suave guy!

"Nothing really, I was calling to see how you were doing and to tell you about rehearsal tomorrow. I'm helping out with the play, and volunteered to call everyone and remind them of rehearsals," he stated in his usual monotone voice.

"Oh, I see," I replied, a little disappointed, and then I realized that I had an idea. It was pretty brilliant, "Heero, do you have Relena's cell number?"

He went silent for a moment before replying, "Yes, why?"

So then I explained my plan to hook Noin with Miliardo.

"You're insane Duo, I'm not sure if Zechs would fall for it, but I'll help if you need me to," Heero offered before giving me Relena's number, which I gladly wrote down.

"Oh, you're offering? Sweet, you were already recruited when I told you. Wait…Zechs? That's his pen name right?" I asked; a little confused.

He gave a little chuckle, which sounded so damn sexy to me, "Yes, that's the name he prefers."

Now that I recruited Heero to help me out, it was killing two birds with one stone for me, because I got to spend quality time with Heero while I helped my sister out. I'm a genius, seriously.

We stayed on the phone for over an hour after that, talking about random nonsense. I never expected that I would be this happy over just a phone call.

And that's when I fully realized something myself.

I was in love with Heero and I barely knew him. What the hell was wrong with me?

Being in love wasn't as great as Hollywood made it sound, you know?Especially if it was unrequited. It hurt more than felt good. And I was beginning to get annoyed with the butterflies in my stomach and my heart beating a mile a minute. In fact, I was beginning to think that it's a bit unhealthy.

Also, the fact that I felt as if I was making a fool of myself every time he was around was a bit embarrassing. And yet…and yet, I still wanted to be with Heero. I still wanted to care for him. I still wanted to get his attention.

Wufei was right about me.


I called Relena shortly after Heero and I hung up. She was a little confused at first, but as I said before, I'm a suave guy. After explaining everything she immediately jumped on board.

"Of course I'll help you!" Relena sounded too excited for my liking, "I want Mili out of my hair. A girlfriend would be perfect. And imagine, if they stay together then we can be in-laws! And then I'll marry Wufei and we'll all be family!" She gushed.

I've got to hand it to Relena, she knew how to amuse me, "What about Trowa and Quatre?"

"You don't know?" Relena asked me, a bit calmer than before, "Trowa and Heero are second cousins."

I then laughed, all of us being in-laws would be awesome, but also because this showed me just how small the world really was.

After an hour of talking to Relena on the phone I went back out to the dining room, dinner was already being served courtesy of Noin.

"You owe me Lu," I stated in a matter-a-fact tone.

"Why do you say that Duo?" She asked while sitting down across from me. Our parents had yet to come home.

"I'll tell you more about it when the weekend comes." I said, evading her question quite well in my opinion.

Noin looked like she was about to say something else but Hilde cut her off, talking about some guy in her Chemistry class.


Was it just me, or do you also feel like school's a prison after not being there for a while? Granted I had a lot to make up, but by lunch time I was all caught up and ready to get my happy ass home.

What really surprised me was that Trowa as in my usual seat next to Quatre…ok so it didn't surprise me that much. But the fact that both he and Heero were now sitting at our table along with Relena was a surprise. I mean, at the beginning of the school year it was just the three of us, now we had a full table.

"What're you guys all doing this weekend?" Relena asked cheerfully while dipping her chicken tenders into honey mustard sauce.

"What do you have in mind?" Heero gave her a questioning glance.

Wow, they were good. See, this was all part of the plan.

"We should all go to the movies. Make it a big group thing!" Relena smiled. She seemed a little too happy for my liking, but I guessed she was just excited.

So we then all began to talk at once, well that's exaggerating a bit, but we all did rush into the conversation. Discussing movies that had come out and around what times we should meet up and ect.

"I'll bring Merian," Wufei offered.

"Oh yeah, do bring her," Relena beamed, "I'll drag my brother along, he needs to get out of the house more."

"I'll bring my sisters," I stated.

"Are you going to bring your sister Trowa?" Heero asked. But Trowa just shook his head while taking a swig of his Apply Juice.

And so, my plan for this Saturday came together without a hitch. For once a plan of mine was going along perfectly. It made me happy.


I skipped rehearsal after school. I saw no point of going when I really didn't want any part of the school play. If I could be lighting that would be cool. Plus I really didn't want to work with our new teacher as the director.

Cathy Bloom was Satan's Secretary, I swear this to God. She was a slave driver and a half. But she got the job done. Ms. Bloom wanted me to audition for the lead role, she liked me as an actor, but I really wasn't that interested in a modern version of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Lu was home when I got there and I told her that everything was running smoothly before going to my bedroom and taking a nice long nap. Dreaming happy dreams about Heero.

Wait…Heero was on the committee for the school play…and I skipped rehearsal. Aw, damn it!


Saturday came quickly, well at least for me it did since I was only in school two times this past week.

I noticed how both of my sisters dressed adorably girly while I tried my best to remain looking like the boy in the group. It was getting harder to do.

We piled up in Noins car and headed out to the theater around eleven in the morning. I know it's early, but tickets are matinee (three dollars cheaper than regular!) and also it gave my sister and Zechs the entire day for themselves.

Heero, Trowa, and Quatre were already there waiting for us in front of the theater. As soon as we all said our greetings Relena, Zechs, Merian and Wufei showed up. We went in line to buy our tickets and got snacks, all the while making sure Zechs and Noin were in front of us the entire time.

As soon as those two entered on theater together the rest of us went into another. We ditched them. All we could really do now was wait and see if they got along. It wasn't my problem anymore, time to enjoy my day out with my friends. I hoped Trowa's truck would have enough room in the bed for all of us in case Noin and Zechs decided to leave without us.


TBC


Originally Written: 2/11/09

Rewritten: 7/25/12


MLL: This fic is halfway done. I feel accomplished.