A/N yeah, it's not a "happy" ending. But this was never a happy fic. You want fluff, go read my other stuff, go read anything else in this fandom. Go read...anything else, really, cause this isn't happy. It's not...sad. But it's not happy.


She compartmentalizes, hides, lies to herself and tucks unwanted emotions into neat little boxes where she doesn't have to think about them. She pretends she can't remember what it was like to feel Maura's lips on hers, lies to herself about the odd pang of want she feels whenever she sees a beautiful dress clinging to a perfect dress, a slightly too-tight tee shirt clinging to God's Own Rack, pretends that everything is just fucking fine, because that's what she wants it to be. She wants everything to be just fucking fine, and she will lie to herself as many times as it takes to make it that way. Fake it til you make it has always been her motto, and there was no way that it was going to fail her now.

There was no way that she could be what Maura needed. She wasn't going to be the stereotypical lesbian cop, and she sure as hell wasn't going to be the stereotypical lesbian cop who got all lovely and schmoopy and sickeningly sweet around a girlfriend. She tucks those feelings away, hides, lies to herself that there's no way anyone would ever accept her, and she does want a good Italian man to settle down with. She tries to forget about the time when she was twenty, and her mother, after watching the media shitshow that surrounded the Ellen DeGeneris Show commenting that people should be allowed to live how they wanted to live and love who they wanted to love. She tries to ignore the subtle comments her brothers made about being all right with the way that she found herself talking to breasts instead of faces.

She pretends that she'd lose everything else in her life, despite all the damning evidence to the contrary. She tells herself that the evidence is just even more of a reason not to acknowledge those feelings. When even her family expected it of her, she knew everyone else did. When even her steadfast husband, babies, and more babies mother made comments about supporting gay marriage, and giving her a pointed look as it was said, she knew that she would do anything to counter the stereotype that everyone seemed to think that she belonged to.

She was not some stereotype. She was not some fool. She was smart enough to know enough to know that there was no way that she was going to put Maura through the sort of hell that she'd found herself faced with every damn day. The mocking comments. The derisive machismo that seemed to come from men who thought they knew her better than she knew herself. She's smart enough to know enough that there was no way that she was going to put Maura through the sort of hell that was her.

She tucks away her feelings, and lies, and puts on the facade. She compartmentalizes, and hides away the little bits of herself, and acts as though there's nothing wrong. Eventually Maura gets the hint. She'd always loved that intelligence. Maura, eventually, is smart enough to realise a hopeless cause for what it was, and be smart enough to move on. And even though she can feel it the moment Maura finally gives up – and it's a moment that makes her turn, run to the bathroom and vomit until there's not even bitter bile left to come up – she knows it's for the best.

And Maura, the genius that she is, eventually gives up. Finds someone else. There's a distance between them, a chasm that she yearns to close, but she knows that if she tries, it's just going to be a plaster over a gaping wound. It's not going to be enough. It's never going to be enough. Stucco to patch a hole in a concrete floor. Eventually, she knows, that the chasm would open up wider and swallow her whole.

That dress disappears from Maura's wardrobe, and it hurts her to see the look in Maura's eyes when they drink these days. It's the same look her mother gave her the day she said she'd rather go to the academy, become a cop, than go off to college somewhere. Disappointment about what could have been, about what had been dreamed about. She listens to Maura tell her about the guy that's she's seeing and pretends to be happy for her, lies and acts like she's genuinely happy that Maura found someone that loves her for who she is.

She does the dutiful thing, standing there in a pretty blue dress, and signs the register like a good maid of honor should, and pretends to like Jimmy and not want to tear him limb from limb. She finds a nice Italian boy, and when she finds herself muttering two words that she doesn't really mean but that are good enough, the whole precinct is there to watch it, because they can't believe it if they don't see it with their own two eyes. She gets drunk at the reception and requests Stephen Stills and tries to pretend that she's not talking to breasts instead of faces. It's not what she wants, and it's not enough, but it's something, and it fills a void in her life, like a round peg in a square hole. There's something missing, and she knows it, but it's enough to hold things in place.

And they settle into something. It's not enough, and it's not what she wants, but they fall into JaneandTonyandJimmyandMaura and she pretends to be content with the fearless foursome they've founded, as they go out for double dates, and she pretends that this is what she wants from life. She pretends that after her fifth Jack and Coke when they go out to celebrate Jimmy's birthday she doesn't spend the rest of the night talking to God's Own Rack, and pretends that she doesn't remember what Maura's lips tasted like so many moons ago every time she kisses Tony.

She's gotten good at compartmentalizing, lying to herself, and tucking away unwanted emotions into nice little boxes. This isn't what she's wanted, this isn't quite what she needs, but it's enough. She's lied to herself for so long, that she believes that she can be happy growing old with a man that she doesn't really love, but who is perfect for her. She's always been good at putting up the front, and somehow, somewhere, even she can believe she's happy.