Okay! Second chapter! Here goes! :)
The boys and I were each sitting on our beds in our shared room, talking about whatever popped into our minds. I feel terrible about not telling them, I thought to myself. They'll find out on their own soon enough, I guess. I just can't say anything… at least right now.
"Logan?" Kendall's voice broke me out of my conversation with myself.
"Hmm?" I responded. I really did not have any interest in participating in the conversation right now.
"Are you okay?" Kendall asked me, for what seemed like the 50th time tonight. "We all know something's wrong."
Those two sentences alone almost managed to break down the walls I put up only a few hours ago. "Um, yeah! Better than ever! Nothing's wrong!" I said. World's biggest lie, right there.
James and Carlos looked at Kendall now. I'm sure they thought they were being sneaky with their looks, but it was so obvious.
Carlos piped up then, "Okay, yeah, whatever Logie. You're off the hook for now, but we'll get to the bottom of this."
"Yeah!" said James. "It can't be THAT bad!"
Oh, but only if they knew just how wrong they were. That what was actually wrong felt like it was ripping a hole through my chest, and I couldn't do anything about it. I needed Mrs. Knight. And bad. I'll just have to wait a little while, until the guys go to bed, I guess.
"Nothing's wrong, I'm telling you for the last time," I snapped, then sighed. "Look, I'm sorry I snapped at you guys, but I meant it. I'm going to bed now, goodnight. You guys should too, we have rehearsal tomorrow."
I laid down on my bed and turned off the lamp by my bed, hearing the other guys do the same. I turned towards the wall so I could just think. Think, think, think. It seemed like all I could do about this. It still didn't seem real. I mean, I JUST talked to them the other day! Oh, God, what about the funeral? The guys would have to know by then, I mean, Mrs. Knight can't just tell them to pack their stuff to go to Minnesota, and not have a reason. No, I thought, as I felt tears pricking my eyes. Not here. I need some space.
Slowly, I turned over and got up from my bed, and crept to the door. The guys were all sleeping. Good. I turned the knob to the door, and thanked the Lord that it didn't creak. Walking out to the couch and plopping down on it, my thoughts came back to me, causing the tears to stream down my face. I can't even believe this is happening. I love them so much. Or, loved, that is.
The tears continued to flow, just coming faster and faster. I need Mama Knight, I thought, and stood again. Within ten seconds, I was at Mrs. Knight's door, knocking softly. Just then, the knob turned, revealing Mrs. Knight in a robe, looking slightly irritated that her sleep got interrupted. When she saw my tear-streaked face, however, the irritated look turned into one of sympathy and concern.
"Oh, sweetie," Mama Knight cooed softly, taking me into her arms.
"I couldn't sleep, I'm sorry," I admitted ashamedly. This was just too hard, too sudden.
"No, honey, don't be sorry. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Carlos's mother called, by the way. She said the funeral is in a week. We're all going to fly up there, okay Logan? So, that means the guys are going to have to know by then. I told Sylvia they didn't yet," Mama Knight told me.
I knew it. "Yeah… they will. I'll tell them, soon. I just, I d-don't know how t-to. It's hard enough even thinking about it, I… I really don't know if I'll be able to. 'Cause I don't wanna cry in front of them…" I trailed off, sniffling.
"Baby,-" I cut her off.
"P-please don't call me that," I whispered, feeling bad. "My m-mom used to a lot."
"I'm so sorry, Logan," Mrs. Knight replied.
"It's okay," I assured her. "Don't worry a-about it, it's fine."
"Okay, honey," Mrs. Knight said. "Back to what I was saying. It's okay to break, Logan. In this situation, it's even expected. They're your brothers, you know they'll be there for you, and help you through this. You're not alone."
I knew she was right. She always was. "You're right. My mom always –," That was it. Tears streamed down my face as I sobbed into Mama Knight's shoulder. When was it gonna get any easier? It felt like my heart was being ripped to shreds.
"Calm down, sweetie, calm down," she said, running her hand through my hair in an attempt to calm me down any. "You don't want to wake the others up, do you? This would be a bad way of them finding out."
I calmed myself down then. "Yeah." I sniffed, stopping anymore tears from coming out. I glanced at the clock on Mama Knight's dresser. 2:54. Dang, time flies. "I'm gonna go try to sleep now, for a while at least."
Smiling sadly at me, she said, "Okay, Logan. I'll see you in the morning." Kissing me on the cheek and wiping the remaining tears off my face with her thumb, she walked back into her room, shutting the door.
I walked back to mine and the guys' shared room, pausing before I opened the door slowly. Good, the guys were still asleep. Or, two of the three at least.
"Aha!" Kendall whisper-yelled at me. Mhm, I'm screwed, I thought.
Startled, I replied, "Kendall! You scared me! What are you doing up?" It couldn't hurt to play dumb.
"Well, I couldn't sleep," Kendall started. "So I got up to play on my phone for a while, when I noticed that your bed was empty. I figured you were just going to the bathroom or something, so at first I didn't think twice about it. But, you didn't come back, so I decided to wait for you. And here you are. Where were you? What's wrong, bud?"
My resolve almost broke again with that stupid nickname. "N-nothing, Kendall. It's… nothing. I'm fine! See?" I asked, faking a smile.
Kendall didn't buy it. "God, Logan! Why won't you let us help you?" He scoffed. "What is it that it's THIS bad? Huh?"
Tears sprang up in my eyes again. I willed myself not to cry. Fight through the pain, Logan. You've done it before, you can do it now, I told myself strictly.
I walked over to my bed and sat down, looking at my feet. "You know what, Kendall? Maybe it is that b-bad, maybe it isn't! A-and m-maybe, just maybe, I d-don't want to tell you! Is that a problem, or can I have my privacy for once?" I asked him. I needed to get out of this conversation, and fast. Kendall was slowly breaking my resolve.
"Okay, Logan, that's fine. Whatever. I just want you to tell me. We're brothers, Logie. I'm always gonna be here for you," Kendall finished softly.
There he goes with that nickname again. "I – I know, Kendall. I'm just not ready to tell. Okay? So, I'm gonna go back to sleep now, I'll talk to you in the morning." I laid down and faced the wall, so Kendall couldn't see my face. Just in case.
Finally giving up, Kendall told me, "…Okay, Logan. Goodnight. I'll see you in the morning." He turned off his lamp and laid down. Finally.
I felt tears rolling down my face, yet again. How in the world did I even have any left in me after today? I really think I need to tell the guys. They don't deserve this secret-keeping. None of them have ever hidden anything from me before, so why did I need to now? I just don't want their pity, I guess. They don't need to worry about me, I'll be fine. That was my last thought before I finally drifted into a restless sleep.
How did you like it? Click that button, riiight down below there. :) Also, this was a fairly quick update, and I'm hoping I can continue to update like this throughout the whole story, but I'm making no promises. Hopefully it'll work out. :) Anyway, review?
