Chapter 4: Let's See Just How Much I Can Mess This Up Without Totally Ruining The Plot

A single spotlight shone upon the stage, and focused in on a pony in a tuxedo and tophat. She was a gray pegasus mare with a blonde mane, and crossed amber eyes (if you can't tell who it is, that's sad). She was supposed to be on the stage crew, but the pony who was supposed to be the narrator bailed out at the last minute (said something about going through time to save the universe again, what a whackjob). This mare cued to a disk jockey to start the music. The only problem was that she played the wrong disk: instead of a slowish classical piece, she put on a fast, loud, blaring trumpet rock piece. The original DJ, Vinyl Scratch, couldn't come because she had the ponypox, so she got her friend, Octavia, to replace her.

Octavia popped the disk out of the player and put in the right one. Or so she thought. It was a lively jazz tune. She was getting fed up with this, so she took the disk out, picked up another one, READ IT, put it in, and pressed play. This time it was the right one, so Derpy started the performance.

"Hi, everypony! I'm Derpy. I'll be your narrator tonight. Um, yeah!" She could tell she was losing them, and it showed in her eyes, her derped, derped eyes.

"So, a long time ago, before Celestia was the princess, before we even knew about Equestria, ponies didn't know anything about harmony. It was very dark then. I don't know what that had to do with anything, but it's in the script," the audience was very confused, and Derpy could tell. They were starting to think about leaving, and the only reason they stayed was because they all simultaneously wanted to see how badly this was going to go.

"Anyway," Derpy continued, "it was a time that everypony was consumed by hatred," the crowd gasped, trying to get this thing back on track. Yes, it was that terrible.

"Hey, can I get a script?" Derpy tried to ask to a stagehand behind the curtain on the left of the stage. He shook his head, and she hung hers. At this point, a few ponies had gotten so fed up with this that they had left the hall.

"So, anyway," she continued once more, "during this time, each of the three tribes, earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns, didn't care about what happened to each of the other tribes," and, dividing the stage into thirds, three sets of ponies, meant to represent the three tribes, showed up, and became visible by the stage lights turning on. "Just like now, the pegasi controlled the weather, but they demanded something in return: food that only the earth ponies could grow," and the earth ponies bitterly handed over a pumpkin to the pegasi.

"The unicorns wanted the same, but they controlled the setting and rising of the Sun, not the weather," and the same earth ponies handed the unicorns a watermelon, and they moved a plywood prop of the sun with their magic.

"This had been going on for, eh, centuries?" Derpy looked at the same stagehand form earlier, asking if she was right.

"I don't know, they normally just say that it festered until a blizzard happened," the stagehand told her, whispering so that the audience didn't hear him. More ponies had left.

"Right. Thanks!" Derpy said, a little too loudly, so that the entire audience heard. "So, this kept going on for a while, but everything changed once a mysterious blizzard struck the land," and from here on out, everything got realistic, and the narrator was just an omniscient figure. The entire audience had returned, because this is the part where it gets good: where Derpy wasn't in it as much.

"The earth ponies couldn't farm their land, so they hogged all the food for themselves, and they were really, really cold," Derpy said, and the earth ponies from earlier, dressed up like ancient desert dwellers, . "The pegasi had it no better: they were hungry," and some pegasi were trying to eat their war helmets. "And the unicorns were cold and hungry! And to make things worse, everypony blamed the other tribes for what was going on! Oh, I left this out, nopony could control the storm, and the more the tribes hatred grew, the worse the storm got.

"Eventually, everypony got fed up with this, and all the tribes agreed that they would hold a huge meeting with the tribe leaders," and the scene shifts to a large building that looked a lot like an Elizabethan Era theater, with a wooden table in the middle. In the bleachers were some ponies, all arranged by tribe.

"Representing the unicorns, Princess Platinum," Derpy introduces the character, and Rarity, in a graceful robe and crown, gracefully walks into the room from underneath the bleachers the unicorns were gracefully sitting in, and up to the table, all while some unicorns magically played a graceful tune on some trumpets, gracefully.

"Ruler of the pegasi, Commander Hurricane!" Derpy said with a little more enthusiasm than necessary. Rainbow Dash flew in from under the pegasi, wearing Roman battle armor, and took her place at the table, all while some trumpets were playing a war march.

"And leader of the earth ponies, Chancellor Puddinghead," and Pinkie Pie, dressed up in an even more ridiculous costume than the year before (but with a similar theme), sneezed some confetti, walked up to the table to a fanfare of kazoos.

"And, so, the tribe leaders collaborated on solutions for the problem they had," Derpy finished for a while, and the audience knew it, so they sighed with relief.

After Derpy finished, the tribe leaders all began arguing.