Sherlock opened his mouth to say something and then closed it in shock. He didn't know what John was talking about, but he understood one thing. John lied. He lied about wanting to solve murders, he lied about wanting to share a flat, he lied about caring that Sherlock was dead. Oh God, he lied about caring for Sherlock at all. Sherlock walked towards his bedroom and quietly shut the door. He tried to lean against the wall for support, but his legs betrayed him and he crumpled to the floor. Sherlock loved him. But he didn't love Sherlock.
John heard a thump on the floor and summed up all his self-control and went to check if Sherlock had knocked his bookshelf down. He walked in and didn't see anything, until he heard soft sounds coming from the floor. He looked down and saw Sherlock sobbing into his knees leaning against the wall.
"Sherlock?" He asked tentatively
"I am fine, Dr Watson." Sherlock replied in an shaky tone. John took another look at him and his resolve collapsed. He sank down next to Sherlock and put his arm around him.
"Sherlock, I…I didn't mean it."
"Then why would you say it, John? Why did you say any of it? I don't understand, I-" John held Sherlock to his chest
"I didn't know, Sherlock. I thought you.." Sherlock pulled away and stared at John
"You thought I made it all up? You thought I was lying to you?" He paused and said quietly "You thought I didn't care about you? You thought that this was all a disguise, a social experiment? How could you think that, John?…I love you" John leant in and kissed him. He couldn't bear seeing Sherlock like this. It was so different, and wrong, and scary. When they finally broke apart, John just held Sherlock against him, and let him cry. It hurt him, but Sherlock needed to.
Sherlock sobbed into John's chest, finally feeling all the emotions he had repressed his entire life. Every time someone had tried to leave him or make him leave. His father, his school peers, his coworkers, Lestrade and now John. But he cared most about John. He couldn't let John leave. Anyone, anyone but John.
"Please don't make me go."
"I won't, Sherlock. I'm so sorry."
"Don't leave."
"I won't."
"Promise me, John. Please promise me you won't leave."
"I promise, Sherlock. I won't." There was a long, comforting silence.
"Do you want some tea? Or coffee?" Sherlock almost laughed. John was all about hot beverages.
"I just want to stay like this." Sherlock admitted after a long silence. John kissed the top of his head
"Yeah. Me too." Sherlock clung to John, happy that he finally found someone who he did not have to hide anything. Suddenly, he remembered seeing John on the roof of the hospital. He grabbed John fiercely and cried even harder.
"Sherlock? Sherlock, what is it, what's wrong? Sherlock? Sherlock!" John held Sherlock at arms length, worried eyes scanning his face.
"Don't. Don't you ever do that again." Sherlock managed to say.
"I thought you were lying, Sherlock. I'm sorry, I didn't-"
"I couldn't…You were at the edge and I- Don't you ever…" Sherlock gave up trying to explain.
"Sherlock, listen to me. I thought you were dead. I didn't want to…Check your voicemail."
"What? Why?"
"Just do it." Sherlock grabbed his phone out of his pocket and dialled his voicemail. One message from the day that…Oh. One message from the day John tried to overdose. With shaking hands, he pressed the phone to his ear, scared of what he might hear.
"Sherlock? It's me, John. I'll see you soon, mate. And when I do, I can tell you everything. Everything I've needed to tell you for so long. I love you, Sherlock."
"I was making coffee. I came back and I got a text from Mycroft. He told me that you were about to be admitted to hospital. I shouldn't have missed-I should've answered the call. If I had, you wouldn't have-I'm so sorry, John."
"It's fine."
"No, it's not! You almost died! I could've prevented that! And I didn't."
"You didn't know."
"I should've."
John almost started crying himself, but he had to be there for Sherlock. Sherlock needed him. John stroked his hair and whispered things like
"It'll be fine. It's not your fault. I forgive you. I'm sorry and I love you. I promise. I promise I won't leave, Sherlock. I promise, I love you." He held Sherlock until they both fell asleep.
