I am sitting in my room now.

It's dark, and I'm supposed to be sleeping, but sleep escapes me, I cant seem to get it to come to me. I'm not sure if I want to.

It was so simple, so easy, and I screwed it up.

Of course I screwed it up, I always screw everything up.

Dozens of times of doing everything right; locking the door, taking my shirt off, drawing, putting my shirt on, pretending everything is normal, and one time forgetting to put my shirt on, and it's all over.

I still don't know what made me forget my shirt, but I still remember my mother's horrified scream when I came down to grab a snack before dinner. The shock in her eyes, the accusation.

Of course the first thing she did was to bring me back to the therapists office and demand that I see her right at this second.

People are scared of cutting, and more than that, people are scared from my mom, so of course the therapist was available to see me ten minutes later.

My mom told her, and then left the room…

"Do you want to talk Blaine?" The therapist asked, I stayed quiet.

"No? Then how about I talk? I'll tell you a story" She said slowly, I still didn't response.

"When I was in elementary school, a long time ago, I had a kid named Joe in my math class, he used to be my friend, but in 5th grade he just stopped talking to me and started sitting alone at lunch.

Every day he'd run home from the school bus and everyone in the bus made fun of him for that, he knew, he still kept running.

I'm not proud to say that I made fun of him too, but I did.

One day he didn't show up to school. He didn't show up the week after it and when he finally did show up, he stopped running home. If I thought he was distant before, I was wrong, he didn't talk to anyone, didn't listen in classes, and he always had this blank look, like nothing affects him.

Kids made fun of him, but it was like he couldn't hear them, which just made them make fun of him more.

One day, around 7th grade he stopped showing up to school.

Years later I found out that he ran home every day to check that her sister didn't kill herself, and after being bullied so much, and being so lonely, without any friends, he decided to join her. I always felt guilty for that, if I only stayed with him…" She said.

"What's the point of the story?" I asked abruptly.

"People don't see what's going on with you when you shut them away Blaine, but if you keep shutting them away nothing is going to get better" She said softly, we didn't talk for the rest of the session.

I am sitting in my room.

I am trying to think but my thought cant seem to focus on one thing, the only thing I can focus on is the faded pain in my chest that hurts so bad yet doesn't hurt at all. I am aching for a knife but I'm holding myself, I don't know why.

I just want to figure everything out before I draw again.

Maybe she is right, maybe I should talk to someone, share the pain.

It's not going to be easy, but I don't know how much longer I can carry the pain alone, and when I think about the girl's brother in the story all I see in my head is Cooper, standing over me and crying, and feeling the same pain I'm feeling now and I just…

I cant see that happening.

I need something as strong as this. I need something to keep me from thinking about it, something to keep me alive that cant hurt the people I care about.

I'll find one.

But not today, I will, tomorrow… Maybe.

I sigh softly and slowly walk to the bathroom, taking out the razor, and with a sigh, I started drawing, letting the fire take over me, feeling the guilt coming with it.

"Tomorrow" I promised myself, and in my heart, I knew I'm lying.