Rated M for swearing, crude humor and not caring if either offends anyone. All Italian translations came from google translate and are likely incorrect. Have fun reading if you can and thanks for stopping by!


The three of them sat around the small kitchen table in the minimal kitchen of Jo's apartment, two of them nursing wounds and one looking simultaneously disappointed and shocked. More than an hour had passed since Dusty had invited himself into Jo's apartment to find Ezio Auditore, alive and in the flesh, standing in her living room with a bloody nose and Jo looking half mad. Which was how Dusty looked as well, even though his scrawny frame and thin face had the propensity to make him just look that way. At first he had been disbelieving, as Jo had been, but after having stared, questioned, listen to the man reply in livid Italian there was only one conclusion. As Dusty had stated to his apartment-below neighbor, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it must be Ezio Auditore. So here they say, wondering what to do next.

In this pause of silence where Ezio blew snot caked in dried blood into a tissue and Jo picked at the burn wound on her hand, Dusty could not refrain is idle thoughts from being spoken. "It's really sad that you managed to conjure life out of an xbox and the first thing you do is try to bust his head in with a flashlight. The fact that you created life at all is pretty depressing too." He said, scratching his head of dark hair as he looked at Ezio who looked dazed and likely had a headache from all the effort of trying to understand the English they were speaking. It had been a miniature fiasco just to keep the man from up and leaving and finding a solution on his own.

Jo pointed at Ezio viciously, glaring hard at Dusty. "Hey, he punched me in the lymph nodes man. I'm probably going to get cancer for this so I get the whole Noah's Ark thing since I kind of want to drown him in the bathtub too." If he could, Ezio would have insisted that he merely stumbled over Jo but the girl was so surly and stubborn that it likely wouldn't make a difference. Jo leaned back in her chair, drawing her wounded hand into her lap like a moping child before grinning lopsidedly and half crazed. "You could start calling me Jo-sus." She said with a loud laugh and Dusty just shook his head, not stoned enough to find that funny.

"Seriously, what are you going to do? You have a forty year old fictional man that just jumped out of your xbox in your kitchen. It's really cool but I'm actually pretty scared."

"I was thinking of keeping him. You have an unhealthy relationship with my Chi-weenie and having a live in dog walker sounds nice." Jo's Chihuahua mix was stretched out on the cold tile floor of the kitchen, sleeping peacefully as he had just had himself a good piss all over Dusty's apartment during the black out.

"You can't keep him, he's not a dog and you don't even know how to talk to him."

"That's kind of the fun part. Like he just responds to everything in Italian and I have no idea what he's saying even though it's probably really serious. But all I here is 'Spaghetti! Pasta Marinara!' and shit like that." Jo explained in a dull tone except for when she mimicked. Ezio looked across the table at the blonde, eyes narrowed in something that seemed like mild irritation with a hint of amusement. "Sto cominciando a preoccuparsi voi due non stanno prendendo sul serio." Jo laughed and slapped the table with her good hand, pointing at Ezio like Dusty had missed the man sitting right next to him speaking in Italian. "See! That's exactly what I'm talking about!" She said with a laugh and Dusty put his head in his hands, rubbing his face hard before lifting it to look at Jo. "Seriously?"

"Oh my god lighten up you wuss and give me your phone."

"What?"

"Give me your phone." Jo said, more authoritative this time. Dusty balked backwards in his seat, knowing Jo well enough by now to be weary. He had even more reason now that she showed her propensity to make not real things magically appear out of abused electronics. "No." He said automatically, though rectified his answer because why god he had manners. Manners didn't get very far with someone like Jo around. "What do you need it for?"

"To dig through your texts and laugh about how you haven't gotten any since last week. Just give me your phone asshole."

Dusty cast the girl a glare that hardly meant a thing and only served to hide how much he hated this girl who for some reason was some imitation of a best friend in his life. "I'm sorry I don't text like a valley girl." He grumbled as he took his iphone from his pocket and passed it over to Jo, well over the look of amazement that shot across Ezio's face as Jo lit up the touch screen. The man was impressed by everything in the apartment. Just as he was looking at the man an idea that was obvious yet had not occured to him till now due to everything else going on hit him like a freight train, but Jo was there to interrupt him before he had even started.

She had been typing away on his phone and the voice of Siri responded out of his google translate app, spewing out Italian in her respectable middle aged woman voice. Il mio nome èJo, la donnaaccanto a meèDustyequesto è l'anno2012.Non ho idea dicome sei arrivatoqui, quindi penso chesi dovrebbe stare quifino a quando noncapirecosa fare.Dusty paused a moment, looking at Jo and feeling somewhat impressed. It was only once in a little while that Jo actually did something intelligent which was a generous overstatement at best. It was a worthy reason to put his epiphany on hold for a moment.

"What'd you say to him?"

"Important shit, just sit back and let me drive because lord knows a pair of pencil erasers are bigger than your balls." Dusty sighed, far less impressed now. It was amazing that in such a situation Jo could still be her casual, harsh, witty and bitchy self. He wondered if it was because of the traces of weed in her system, the recent electric shock or just her.

Ezio's eyebrows lifted and he sat up straighter in his seat. "E 'un pezzo di Eden o solo una tecnologia? Ho bisogno di tornare subito a Roma, mi devi aiutare o troverò la mia strada." He questioned though Jo held up a hand to stop him since there was no way in hell she was going to be able to spell all that out and get a translation from Siri. Instead she took to typing once more. Non riesco a capirequello che stai dicendo, ma questo funzionaper ora.Sì o no, hai capito? His lips thinned into a frown before he gave a nod and a disappointed "Sì." Jo nodded and typed again.

Va bene. Allora solo in modo da sapere, Leonardo è un omosessuale. Jo could not keep the grin off her face and could not stop the surprise that exploded upon Ezio's face, causing his jaw to unhinge ever so slightly."Cosa? Come fai a saperlo?" He said before he remembered that this girl Jo could not understand him. He could not help but utter the understanding he now had of one of his and the painter's conversations, an amused grin taking form as he did so. "Ecco, questo è quello che voleva dire."

Dusty watched the exchange with narrowed eyes before giving a shake of his head and reaching out to take his phone from Jo, who complained with a sharp "Hey!" though Dusty paid her no mind.

"I have a friend that's from Italy so he has to speak it, maybe he can come translate for us."

"Since when do you have friends? And friends from Italy? This isn't Jersey man, we only have Mexicans here, are you sure you're not confused?"

"He's from Italy and yeah, I know friendship is a hard concept to learn when you spend your life riding around on a broom."

"Ooo, nice lame joke badass."

"Okay Jo-sus, let me go talk to him." Dusty said with a roll of his eyes, standing and heading out the front door so that he might talk on the phone without Jo in the background. That was a rule of hanging out with Jo, never be on the phone with her in the same room as it was one of her special skills to make a regular phone call a memorably awkward moment.

To pass the time Jo leaned over the table, crossing her arms and settling in to engage Ezio in a staring contest that he had not agreed to. The girl's hard stare and harsher expression left Ezio feeling increasingly uncomfortable despite how this girl that was half his age was far from formidable against an assassin such as himself. It was absurd and just made the atmosphere incredibly awkward since no matter what Ezio did, asking her why or to stop in Italian that she didnt understand, 'accidentally' kicking the table, moving in his seat, the girl didn't blink nor stop giving him that hard stare.

By the time Dusty returned he looked at them and raised his eyebrows before deciding not to even bother asking. He didn't understand Ezio and Jo only gave straight answers to him when she was hungover. "He said he'll come over tomorrow morning, I left out the parts about, you know, pretty much everything. But congratulations Jo, you now have an Italian uncle and since it's almost midnight and I actually go to class in the morning, I'm gonna go. Are you gonna be alright until I come back?"

Jo, finally deciding to move and blink with a smirk gave a dismissing wave of her hand. "Yeah, whatever. If I can train a chi-weenie I can handle my hot Italian uncle for a night." Dusty pulled a look of concern, feeling his stomach drop.

"Don't rape him."

"Shut up, he's a grown ass man and you love those games, you know he's a fucking ninja. Unless his brain like melts or something over night since he's not real. I don't know, we'll see." Jo said with a casual shrug. Dusty sighed, picking up his keys that had long since been left on the kitchen counter. "Yeah well if something like that or anything else happens call me. That's pretty catastrophic and I don't think you can handle walking down the street on your own, let alone that."

"Sure thing mom." Jo said dismissively, and Dusty took his queue to leave Ezio Auditore in the care of possibly the worst non-homicidal human being in the world.

- Phone call at 3 AM -

Dusty's phone buzzed across the top of his end table, rattling away until he rolled over and answered it, not conscious enough at that point to even qualify as half asleep.

"…Hello?" He muttered through the drowsy haze.

He hadn't noticed Jo's name on the caller ID. "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that Ezio Auditore pees like a lady."

"…What?"

"Yeah. He had to go and he didn't understand the toilet so I potty trained him but I had to show him how. Now he pees sitting down."

"…You took a piss in front of him?"

"My cooter was covered, Jesus. I wore a long shirt; don't get your shorts in a knot. But yeah."

"You're awful. Really awful. Go to bed. I'm going to bed."

Dusty hung up hoping to sleep the memory of that conversation away.


Ezio translations in order of appearance:

I'm beginning to worry you two are not taking this seriously.

Is that a piece of Eden or just a technology? I need to return to Rome immediately, you must help me or I will find my own way.

What? How do you know?

So that's what he meant.

Siri translations in order of appearance:

My name is Jo, the woman beside me is Dusty and this is the year 2012. I have no idea how you got here so I think you should stay here until we figure out what to do.

I can't understand what you're saying but this will work for now. Yes or no, do you understand?

Alright. Then just so you know, Leonardo is a homosexual.