A/N: I have been up all night, trying to get this chapter out of my subconscious. Translating all these feels unto words on a page has been very difficult because I want to get it just right; it is a pivotal chapter in this journey for Heather and Naya. Writing this particular chapter has been the most difficult one yet. So, thru my tears and my own angst, I give you Chapter 7.
Last night was the first night that Naya and Heather had slept apart since the incident. She was afraid to admit it, but she was secretly and silently glad that HeMo wasn't there. She had things she had to do, things that she desperately ached for, that she couldn't do in the blonde dancer's presence. Especially since the last time Snix fully emerged, Heather was the one that found her. She was admitted at Passages for a 28-day program and then was in intensive therapy with Jamie since then. Then was about 3 years ago, right when they booked Glee. She winced in pain as she recalled that tumultuous time in her life. She never thought she would end up in this mind frame ever again. But here she was, upon the threshold. She was outside and she knew that her brief lapses in the past 3 months were looming over her head like an impending thunder and lightening storm threatening over the horizon.
She was being proactive this time around. She told Jamie all about it , even Snix coming back. Naya showed her the fresh cuts. She promised to call and reach out to her whenever she felt the want, the need to overpower her. But tonight was different and she could feel it in the air. Tonight was a turning point. If she could do this, rather if she could not do this- the cutting and drinking- then, she knew that she could make it different this time.
Naya had did what Jamie told her. She called Jaime and told her that she was alone. She admitted to her that she felt Snix coming on tonight and that she needed to fight against her from taking over her mind and her actions. Jamie came over immediately.
She had been with Naya for the past hour. They had sat cross-legged on the floor. At this point, Jamie had become more than her psychiatrist. The doctor was in the actress' inner circle. She became the protector of all of Naya's deepest and darkest fears and secrets. Being privy to that information, albeit in a professional manner, was not something Jamie took lightly. Of course, she signed all the confidentially agreements, even though she vowed to Naya that no one would ever sway her loyalty away from her. Naya trusted her, but her PR team insisted that they were just covering the all the bases. So, here they were, somewhere in the space between professionalism and friendship, on a nondescript Sunday evening.
They had just taken a brief break to get some beverages before delving into the heart of what led Naya to call her doctor friend.
Now, Naya, I want you to get comfortable. Take a few deep breaths. Let's do it together, okay.
With that, Jamie closed her eyes, and Naya followed suit.
With your next breath, completely empty your lungs. Then, inhale deep and purposefully, filling your lungs with as much air as possible, starting from your core out. The, exhale out, slowly and fully. Let's do this three times, okay. Ready, Nay?
One
Two
and
Three
Exhale.
Naya felt centered and ready.
mmm'kay James (as she tended to call Jamie, whenever she wanted to talk to her as her friend, knowing that she would act as both doctor and friend at this very moment)
Okay. Naya, take this mirror. I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and just say whatever you are feeling right at this moment, whatever it is. i am right here for you, okay?
Naya reached out for the handle of the mirror and Dr. Limjoco handed it over. She took a hold of the Lefty's right hand and squeezed, making her look up and into her eyes.
You can do this, Nay. I know you can. Trust in yourself as much as I do.
Naya smiled slightly and hesitantly at James. She wanted to believe her.
She turned the mirror around and held it right in front of her face. She closed her eyes and took one more deep breath before opening her chocolate eyes.
Silence hung in the air as Naya took in the image before her. The words came tumbling out of her mouth, with no regard to disconnection of her filter between her brain and her mouth. She knew that she had to do this. She knew that Jaime was right. She could do this. Face Snix once and for all. She wanted to and she had to, because Naya was finally ready. The reason she was ready was because of the love of a certain woman. She looked at herself straight in the mirror and let the words come to her tongue before she spit them out:
fucking stupid. what made you think it would be different this time huh? she loves you. she loves you so much she goes and fucks cory, of all people. no. no, she does loves me. i know she does. i love her so much. after everything we have been through, i will not doubt her love for me. i just... i just need her so much... FUCK. this hurts too much. hemo, i need you...
Suddenly, the knob of the door was slowly and almost silently turning. Jamie saw it but Naya had the mirror held up in front of her. She continued on:
i never needed anyone like this before and she needs me too. i just fucking love her so much. so much that it overwhelms and drowns me. i didn't what love was. i did not know what loving someone more that yourself feels like. being in love feels with heather makes me feel complete, like she was this piece of me out there in the world that I had no idea i was missing. FUCK. i just, love her so much. and i cant fuck this up. i cant. i cannot ruin this. I won't let Snix ruin this.
Jamie saw the door open as Heather just stood there in the threshold, sliently crying. HeMo took the scene before her and she felt a wave of relief wash over her. She was expecting the absolute worse: to find Naya with a razorblade in her left hand and a bottle of Grey Goose in her right. She blinked several times to ensure that what she was seeing was real. Jamie shot her a look to be quiet as she heard her beloved breathe through hot, angry tears, before exclaiming:
FUCK YOU SNIX. You won't win this time, you hear me? I have a chance to be happy with the love of my life. Someone who loves me for me, all of me. This feeling makes me so scared. So fucking scared. Because now that I know what love can be, i don't ever want to lose it, to lose my Heather. She is all i never knew I needed. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity FUCK! This is too hard James...I don't think I can...She doesn't deserve me. I don't deserve her. She didn't sign up for this train wreck.
Naya whispered out, almost to herself, before she dropped the mirror, eyes shut, while her body convulsed, full of contempt, hate, and shame.
Heather couldn't bear to hear Naya talk that way. Didn't she know that she loved her no matter what? That she loved all of her, all her perfection and even more so, her imperfections. Heather knew that Naya was her soulmate, that it was fated by God. A love like theirs could not be explained in any other way. Her heart broke into a million little pieces for her lover. Before she could even look at Jaime, she ran over to her Naya, with the lightening quick graceful steps of a dancer and enveloped her in her arms.
Naya dropped the mirror in shock. She knew whose arms those were. She knew without even opening her eyes. Heather.
