A/N: To everyone still actually reading this story, you're awesome =). This is kind of a short update, but I've kept you waiting long enough ;P
She doesn't know how long she's been standing out in her backyard, maybe hours, probably minutes as she keeps trying to catch her breath. In her absence, her fathers had installed a whole backyard patio, of which she's grateful for. At least she has a place to sit. She sighs, leaning back against the chair she's sitting on before she leans forward and bangs her head softly against the glass table.
She did not see that coming at all. Although, she really should have known better by now that any confrontation that involves Finn Hudson never ends well.
"Rachel?" Beth's voice startles her and Rachel jumps in her seat, her heart leaping up to her throat as she slowly turns around, praying that the young girl's father isn't with her. She thanks God for small favors when she sees Beth looking at her curiously from the doorway. "Are you okay?"
"Oh I'm fine," she answers, forcing a smile on her face as she stands. Her heart is still beating wildly in her chest, her steps a little wobbly because she still feels the way his presence had almost devoured her. "I just needed a little air, is all."
"Oh. We're leaving," Beth says with a pout.
"Already?"
"Yeah. I wanted to wait for the cake, but dad said he left something at the garage and we have to hurry up or something," Beth answers with a roll of her eyes. Rachel's smile is strained as relief washes over her. He's leaving. She won't have to go back in there to face him with whatever shred of dignity she has left.
"I'll save a piece of it for you," she promises as she nears Beth. Standing in front of her in the backyard, she tucks a stray hair from Beth's ponytail behind her ear. The smile that the young girl gives is almost blinding, but her eyes are shy.
"I can come and hang out here again?" Beth asks, uncharacteristically bashful. Rachel smiles, taking her hand.
"Yes! You know, we women need to stick together with all these men in the house." Beth blushes, the red hue staining her pale cheeks while she mumbles.
"I just- I figured since the party's over, you wouldn't want me around anymore."
"Of course I want you around. We're friends."
"We are?"
"Aren't we?"
"I'm eleven."
"So?"
"You're like, my dad's age."
"Is that supposed to be an insult?" Rachel asks in mock outrage.
"No! I mean, you're way cooler than him. And more fun too. Plus you cook really well."
"Thank you," Rachel answers, with a chuckle. Beth beams up at her.
"So I'll see you tomorrow?" she asks hopefully.
"Sure," Rachel smiles. She starts when a pair of arms wrap around her torso but recovers quickly, bending a little to wrap her own arms around the little girl to reciprocate her squeeze.
"See you tomorrow Rachel," Beth says when she pulls away with a grin. She turns around to bound back indoors and Rachel straightens up, opening her mouth to say goodbye.
Her words get trapped in her throat when her eye catches him still standing at the far end of the kitchen. Her half raised arm falls to her side under his scrutiny. From where she's standing his face is unreadable, and she wonders if he had been watching them the whole time. She should look away, but she can't seem to get her body to move at all until Beth finally reaches him, pulling against his arm and tearing his gaze away from hers. She lets out a slow breath she hadn't realized she was holding, and her heart slowly begins to pump again as she watches him shoot her one last, unreadable look before he allows his daughter to pull him away.
She stares at his retreating back, sighing as she sags against the doorway of the backyard.
What has she done?
Xxx
She doesn't actually see Beth the next day, but she does get a long text of an excuse. Rachel smiles to herself as Beth rants on about Sunday brunch with the Fabrays and how much of a drag it is that Finn forces her to go, when all her grandmother does is criticize the way he does Beth's hair and the clothes that she wears. It's quite heartening to see how much the girl would rather be spending her time with Rachel and her fathers, although she might be a little glad too, because there's always that possibility of Finn being around, and she's still unsure if she could handle that yet (Admittedly, her heart did do something funny in her chest when she saw the text, the kind of funny that most definitely isn't reserved for his daughter).
Pride, more than anything, is what's making her hope that he stays away. She still can't believe she acted the way she did. She's a grown, 26 years old woman for God's sake, and that was not appropriate adult behavior. There was just something about being back in Lima and back in the presence of Finn Hudson that seemed to propel her back into that silly little high school girl who was in love with a boy she could never have.
Well newsflash Rachel, she thinks reproachfully. You're not eighteen anymore.
Neither is he.
What is that supposed to mean?
In case you haven't noticed Rachel Berry, the boy has grown up to be a handsome man-
That's neither here nor there.
Not that there was ever any doubt in your mind that he would be-
Stop this ridiculous thought now. Right now.
He's single, isn't he? And available-
He's Finn Hudson. You just found out about Quinn. How callous can you be? He's a single parent Rachel. You do not need this distraction. He doesn't need this distraction-
It's exactly what you need-
Stop it.
"Stop it," she hisses out loud. "You're talking to yourself Rachel. You sound insane. And you're still doing it, oh my God, just shut up!"
She lets out a loud whoosh of breath in annoyance, glaring at her reflection from the full length mirror in her room, before she sighs out loud and throws herself onto the bed, narrowly missing Drizzle who was smart enough to jump out of her way, hissing.
"Sorry baby," she apologizes when she feels the cat glaring daggers at her. She groans, blowing hair out of her face before turning to bury her face in her sheets.
"He's just so frustrating! I mean, you'd think after five years, after all that I've done Drizzle, you'd think I'd be done with allowing him to be so- so unnerving."
Drizzle stares surreptitiously at her from where he's sitting on her pillow, no doubt wondering why his human is such a pathetic excuse for a strong, independent woman. Rachel rolls her eyes at his nonchalance, reaching her hand out towards him
"I need a hug," she pouts, and almost like it's a hassle for him, Drizzle starts to stand, slowly slinking his way towards her before he curls up on her tummy. She smiles, her fingers lazily scratching the back of his ears.
"You're the only who knows how to make me feel better," she confesses in a small voice, pulling him until he rests on her chest. "Thanks Driz."
xxxx
She needs a project, she figures as she sits restlessly on the couch in the living room, mindless surfing the channels (she doesn't even know why she turned on the TV in the first place. She never watches it). She needs something to do before her own thoughts drive her crazy. Let's face it. There was a reason why she stayed firmly in New York for all those years. The bustling of the city and her never-ending schedules kept her busy, and being busy kept her from thinking too much, kept her from taking the time to revaluate her life and what it's turned into. Yes, okay, it had also kept her away from building relationships with other people, kept her too focused into herself to ever really give any part of her away to anyone. What was it that Luca had said before he left?
"You don't want a relationship. You just don't want to be alone. Love doesn't work that way Rachel. You can't just pick and choose the parts you want to give and keep the parts that you don't."
But why not? Why can't she do that? Who dictates that love should be all about sacrifices anyway? She's been on that end of the spectrum, and it sucked and it was heartbreaking, and she has learned her lesson. And if there is one thing that Rachel Berry isn't, it's someone who doesn't learn from her mistakes. And maybe love just isn't meant for her. Broadway is her love. Performing is her love, and she gets to do it every night to great acclaim. So maybe Luca was right, maybe she didn't want to be alone, but she isn't anymore.
"I've got you for that Drizzle," she says affectionately as she ruffles through her cat's hair. Drizzle blinks up at her lazily, and continues his favourite pastime of doing absolutely nothing while ignoring her.
She sighs, ignoring the nagging feeling at the back of her mind. Her fathers's party is over and she is now without purpose. She has half a mind to purchase the first flight out to New York, but she knows that it would only break her parents' hearts for her to leave (There's that voice in her head again, wryly telling her that she's not that noble, that she doesn't really want to leave for herself, but she ignores it resolutely). Besides, there's really only one part she's waiting for, and either Luca lied and they really weren't interested in her for Evita, or the production is still in its early stages, and either way, her hands are tied. There is no job waiting for her in New York, none that she is actually interested in anyway, and her fathers know that.
But there doesn't seem to be anything for her in Lima too. The small town life is starting to feel stifling. Being here with nothing but her thoughts to accompany her is starting to do her in. Being here with nothing but the memories of last Saturday unnerves her. She tried Yoga with daddy this morning and although it had been a good workout, it did nothing to soothe her mind. She's cleaned the house, cooked lunch for herself, and now at three in the evening, she finds herself with nothing to do. She tried to entice Drizzle with the new ball daddy came home with yesterday, but he clearly wasn't interested.
The doorbell pulls her out of her thoughts and she rushes to the door, pulling it open to a smiling Beth.
"Hey Rachel," she chirps.
"Beth! I didn't know you were coming."
"Yeah sorry about that. Dad woke up late today and we had to rush the whole day so I forgot to call."
"It's fine," Rachel answers with a smile, stepping back to allow the young girl in. "Is that why your hair's all over the place?" she teases. Beth blushes as she swipes at her windswept hair before shrugging.
"Dad didn't have time to braid it. And I forgot my hairclip in his truck."
"I think you look nice with your hair down."
"Really?"
"Yes, you look very pretty today."
She hides a smile when Beth blushes shyly at her compliment. The girl is a force to be reckoned with, but she doesn't take to compliments well. Maybe Rachel could help her out with that. She eyes Beth's bicycle, lying carelessly on the grass, noting that the girl came on her own before she closes the door behind her.
"Are you hungry? I could fix you up with something to eat."
"That's okay. Uncle Puck picked me up from school today, and we had Subway."
"Ah. What about that piece of cake I saved for you?"
"I have room for dessert," Beth tells her with a grin. Rachel chuckles as they walk towards the kitchen. Beth jumps up onto the countertop while Rachel opens the fridge, and she almost admonishes the girl to take a proper seat, but she checks herself.
"How was school today?" she asks, cutting a slice of cake. She looks up to find Beth shrugging and frowns.
"Okay I guess."
She knows what okay means. It's anything but.
"Anything interesting happened?"
"Nope. Well, Todd Freeman put a dead lizard in Sara's backpack, and it made he r cry."
"That's terrible," Rachel gasps, placing Beth's cake onto a small plate before handing it to her. Beth doesn't say anything as she accepts it. She dutifully jumps down from the counter when Rachel motions for her to, taking a seat at the kitchen table instead.
"I thought it was kind of funny," Beth says quietly after a bite.
"You think it's funny that a boy terrorized your poor friend?"
"Friend?" Beth scoffs." Sara's not my friend. Like seriously. Why would I even want to be friends with her? She's a bitch."
"Beth!"
"What?"
"Don't use words like that," Rachel scolds as Beth rolls her eyes.
"Why not? It's true. 'Sides, uncle Puck says it all the time."
"Yeah well, you're a lady and uncle Puck is... Puck. A lady should never resort to swearing."
"You sound just like my grandma," Beth mumbles, annoyed. "I'm not a lady."
"Of course you are-"
"No I'm not. I don't know anything about being a lady and I don't want to anyway 'cause it's lame, so whatever."
"Beth-"
"I'm not hungry," Beth says, pushing her plate away.
"Beth," Rachel starts, surprised when the girl stands abruptly and stomps out of the kitchen. She stares dumbly after Beth's retreating figure, wrecking her brain to figure out what she did wrong. Obviously, Beth is upset. And obviously, it's her fault.
So what is she supposed to do about it?
She stays awkwardly in her seat. What would Finn do? Or better yet, what would she do if this was Finn? She stares at Beth's plate before she picks it up and walks out to the living room. Beth is playing with Drizzle, or at least, she's cuddling him to her chest for all that she's worth and Rachel has to smile at the way he's just letting her do it. Quietly, she takes a seat next to them on the couch, placing the cake on the coffee table.
"You know," she starts conversationally. "I saved it all for you. Wouldn't even let daddy take a small bite this morning, and he really loved the cake. It's a shame that you don't want it."
"Who says I don't?" Beth mutters, not looking her in the eye.
"You did just leave it in the kitchen." Beth decides to ignore her, and she backpedals, picking up the spoon and handing it to the girl.
"I'm sorry," she apologizes. "I just realized how condescending I must have sounded to you. I'm in no position at all to say anything about your friendship rituals. And if you don't want to be a lady, you have every right not to be one."
She shoots Beth an apologetic smile, relieved when the girl finally seems to relax.
"That's okay," Beth mumbles, finally releasing Drizzle to grab the spoon. They sit in silence while Beth eats and Rachel absently scratches Drizzle's belly.
"I'm sorry too," Beth says finally, and the rueful tone of her voice makes Rachel smile as she nods. "Todd shouldn't have done what he did. But he only did it because Sara was being mean."
Rachel was about to say that she knows what it's like having mean girls be the bane of your existence, but in light of one of them being Beth's mother, she decides not to. Beth goes back to being her chatty self, animatedly telling Rachel about the disaster that was her and Finn's Sunday lunch with the Fabrays.
"Grandma keeps trying to make dad make me stay there," Beth says, wrinkling her nose in distaste. Like last Summer, I almost had to for a whole month. But then dad took me to visit uncle Kurt instead."
"For a whole month?"
"Yep. We went and stayed in uncle Kurt's apartment. Well, dad stayed for like two weeks and then he had to go back to work, but uncle Kurt let me stay."
"Did you like it there?"
"In New York?" Beth asks with her mouth full. Rachel refrains from commenting and nods her head instead. "Totally! It was awesome, and there were so many places to go, not like here. I don't think there's any place I haven't gone in Lima."
"Maybe you can visit me the next time you go," Rachel says, smiling.
"Yeah, we can do that next Summer! Then I won't have to go to grandma Fabray's," Beth says enthusiastically. It's heartening to see the excitement on her features. She could picture Beth in New York. And Finn, too. They would fit right in.
(She refrains herself from thinking about how she used to picture him all the time, back when distance was the only barrier between them and wishful thinking was still her default setting. She hadn't pictured him anywhere in the routine of her life for five years, but the ability seems to return to her naturally).
"Oh!" She snaps out of her reverie to see Beth bounding back into the kitchen to return with her backpack. "I totally forgot about this. Dad told me to give it to you."
"What is it?" Rachel asks, frowning at the small envelope in Beth's hand. Beth shrugs. Rachel takes it warily, looking apprehensively at the seal. It feels light. Could it be a letter? She thinks of every conceivable explanation that he could give, but there's nothing to really explain, is there? He hasn't tried to call once. Granted, neither has she, but still. She stares at the envelope for a little while longer, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She has half a mind to completely ignore it altogether, but something stops her.
She's being ridiculous. They're both adults. She's 26 years old. The time for teenage theatrics is over. Excusing herself, she goes to the kitchen, paces for a few seconds before and slowly opening the envelope. There's a piece of paper inside it, folded in two. Gingerly, she takes it out, unfolding it as she takes a deep breath.
It's a drawing. Or more like a semblance of one (Finn was never particularly adept at visual art). She isn't a hundred percent certain, but she's almost sure that they're cookies, if those black dots are chocolate chips, like she thinks they are. Nine almost round cookies horizontally positioned in two lines, spelling out "I'm Sorry", with a crude star of David to finish it off.
The grin is already stretched out across her face before she realizes it as the memory comes unbidden into her mind.
"Do you see anyone else standing here with a plate of "I'm Sorry" cookies? No, just you."
"Hey Beth," she call out loud. "I'm going to make a phone call for a bit, okay?"
she rushes out the back door with her phone in hand without waiting for an answer. His number is already on speed dial (because of Beth) and as she waits for him to pick up, she presses her palm against her chest in a vain effort to calm her nerves. She hears a click and takes a deep breath.
"Rachel?" He sounds hesitant, almost confused, and it stalls her. "Is everything alright?"
"Hi-" Mentally berating herself for the squeak that came out, she quickly clears her throat and tries again. "Hi Finn. Eve-everything's fine. I just- well, I got your note."
There's silence on the other end, and she finds herself holding her breath.
"Oh."
"Yeah. I-"
"I thought of getting you some real cookies, but I- I can't bake to save my life," he says in a rush before she could get a word in. I mean, I know it's kind of lame, but I thought it'd be funny or something I don't know. I-"
The fact that he seems to be so nervous calms her down as a smile grows on her face.
"Finn," she cuts in, her tone slightly more confident. "I loved it."
"I- really?" he asks doubtfully.
She nods until she realizes that he can't see her. She hears someone from the background screaming for him, but he's silent on the other end.
"Yes It was very sweet." She grins as she looks down at his badly drawn star. "I particularly loved the reference to my Jewish roots."
"Well it's the Rachel Berry signature star," he jokes weakly, chuckling.
"Your drawing has improved immensely," she teases. "They almost look like they could be cookies."
She laughs when he pretends to groan, and she pictures the wide grin stretched out on his face when he grows quiet.
"So, apology accepted?" he asks softly.
"I- There's nothing to apologize for," she admits, her face burning at the memory of her dramatic storm out. "I'm sorry, for behaving like a child. I mean, that was years ago. Right? It didn't- it doesn't even matter now."
"Right," he murmurs, the low register of his voice in her ear giving her goosebumps. She remembers the tension between them just a few days before, and although it's been years, the sound of his voice just before he kissed her still plays clearly in her mind.
Yes, Rachel. Clearly, it doesn't even matter .
"So we," she starts quickly, determinedly ignoring the voice in her head. "We should start over, right?. As- as friends."
"All over again? Should I introduce myself?"
She rolls her eyes at his teasing tone.
"No, you don't have to do that. We could just- How about dinner? You and Beth, with us tonight."
"We can't."
"Oh-"
"I mean, not that we don't want to. I'd love to, really. But my mom and Burt just got home from visiting Kurt, and she misses Beth, so we're having dinner at their place tonight."
"Okay," she answers, relaxing. "Maybe some other time then."
"Totally. It'll be a date. I mean, like a-"
"Friend date?" she offers, smiling at his flustered tone.
"Friend date, exactly."
"So I'll see you later then?"
"Actually, mom is going to pick Beth up. She was supposed to tell you that. I swear, that kid forgets everything."
"You are her father."
"Shut up." She laughs at his good-natured response, her chest feeling the lightest it's ever been. She's missed this effortless communication between them sorely.
She hears another man screaming his name, and Finn says goodbye hastily, muttering under his breath about a Buick fiasco. She steps back into the house with a smile on her face, chucking when she hears Beth singing along at the top of her lungs to the commercial on TV, Drizzle mewling in the background.
It feels like her life hasn't felt this... lively, for years.
A/N: fyi I apologize for being so slow with this story. I'm currently attempting to finish postgraduate and working part-time, so it doesn't leave much room for fanfic writing. It sucks, I know, but such is life. Sorry guys =(.
