A/N: The second one-shot was only half-finished, and I need to go to bed, so you can expect it to be posted with tomorrow's (three in one day!). In the meantime, enjoy this one! It was quite fun to write.
Twelve Days of Christmas
Penguin HQ, 1500 hours
Kowalski sighed as he sat at the penguins' concrete table, a photo of Doris in hand. If only… Maybe if he got her a fantastic Christmas present, she'd return his love. It hadn't worked with that diamond-encrusted rocket car he got her for Valentine's Day, or that maguthium-239-powered nuclear-reactant plasma ray he built himself for her birthday, but maybe this time would be different. Granted, the plasma ray HAD exploded and nearly taken out the entire state of North Carolina, but that was only because he forgot to carry the two. Still, maybe something bought and not invented would be better. Something big, something excessive, something that would make her so excited…
Kowalski had drifted completely into fantasy- he and Doris were standing on a random tropical beach in front of a sunset. He was presenting her with a huge present. She opened it and said,
"Oh, Kowalski! This is the best present ever! You're the most amazing penguin on earth!"
"Oh, Doris, guilty as charged…"
"Kowalski? Who are you talking to?" Kowalski snapped out of the imaginary scene and quickly hid the photo of Doris behind his back. Skipper was standing before him, one flipper on his hip, the other holding his usual cup of coffee.
"Oh! Skipper! I, uh, was just…"
Skipper rolled his eyes. "Doris. Of course. Kowalski, will you just drop it already? We're decorating the tree."
"Aye, Skipper," Kowalski replied with a short sigh, setting down the photo and walking over to their tree, carved out of ice by their resident chainsaw expert.
"I've got all the boxes of ornaments!" Private cried with glee, setting down a stack of cardboard boxes and pulling one out. "Look! It's the one we got from that mission in North Carolina! Wasn't that the time Kowalski's present to Dor-"
"Mm-mm!" Skipper grunted, making a slicing motion across his neck as Kowalski began to tear up.
"Oh. Right. Sorry."
Once the penguins had started decorating, Rico hacked up a radio and pressed a button, turning on some Christmas music.
On the First Day of Christmas my True Love gave to me, a Partridge in a Pear Tree
"Eureka!" Kowalski exclaimed, dropping the fish-shaped ornament in his flipper. The other penguins exchanged confused and unsettled looks. They knew what that word meant. "That song is a classic Christmas tale of true love! All I need to do is get her the things from the song, and she'll be assured of my true love. It's perfect! Now where could I find a partridge? Do we have partridges in the petting zoo?"
"Uh, Kowalski…?" Private ventured. "I don't think that'll work. You know what the Lunacorns say, 'a gift from the heart is what makes friendships start!'"
"I agree," Skipper said. "NOT with the Lunacorns," he quickly corrected. "About this being a bad idea."
On the Fourth Day of Christmas my True Love gave to me, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle-Doves, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree
"I mean, just listen to that! This guy's a bird-imprisoning maniac!"
"Hm… most of those birds aren't available at the zoo," Kowalski murmured to himself, completely ignoring the other penguins. Even Rico was shaking his head now.
On the Ninth Day of Christmas my True Love gave to me, Nine Ladies Dancing, Eight Maids a-Milking, Seven Swans a-Swimming, Six Geese a-Laying, Five Golden Rings, Four Calling Birds…
"Hm, the gold rings won't be a problem since I've invented my Neutronic Alchemizer. Now where to find the dancers…? And maid in New York might be a dilemma as well."
Skipper slapped a hand to his forehead. He knew where this was going. "Really? Just, really?"
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my True Love gave to me, Twelve Lords a Leaping, Eleven Pipers Piping, Ten Lords a-Leaping…
"Are you hearing how ridiculously impractical all this is?" Skipper asked.
Kowalski nodded. "You're right. I know what I'll do."
"Thank you. Because-"
"I'll employ some of the forest creatures in the park to take the place of the human roles!"
"UGH!" Skipper banged his head on the concrete table.
A few hours later Kowalski somehow had all of the needed things gathered up, and was waiting on a Virginia beach where he had calculated Doris would appear. The hens were currently pecking at the possums, who were supposed to be leaping, and the science-loving penguin was desperately trying to maintain order.
"The golden rings!" Kowalski exclaimed, suddenly breaking away from the hens and possums. "I haven't alchemized them yet!" He pulled his invention and five brass rings seemingly out of nowhere. "Now to power it up…"
The next morning, Private was offering his Lunacorn to a sobbing Kowalski. "There, there, now, it'll be alright. I mean, Doris was very appreciative of the rings at least, and you only blew up HALF the coast of Virginia…"
Rico wandered into the room, waving a fish like a microphone and singing in his opera voice: "And a partridge in a pear treeeeeee!"
Kowalski simply groaned.
