This chapter is all about what's running through Alexis' mind. I wrote this the way...well I might feel if it was happening to me as a little girl.
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Secrets in my heart
chapter 5
hospital: Beckett's room
Pacing back and forth, Alexis was turning into her father. "Hey," she went closer to Beckett's bed. "It's me again, Alexis." She took a deep breath. "Your dad's right. I do have more to say, I just..." she swallows. "I just don't know, I mean... can you even hear me? I just...I don't know." what am I doing? I can't do this. She slides her hand down her face. yes, you can.
"My dad says to talk to you out loud, tell you want's on my mind, so I guess I will. It can't hurt right. Anyway my thoughts, they're never well let's just say come out as one. So bear with me at times."
She faces the door to get her courage again. "I never had anyone in a coma before but I feel the heartache, which is mine now. I mean I've been through it almost as much as my dad. Way to many times. I still haven't forgive my mom, yes I remember that day...the day that my life changed...I don't remember exactly date or day, I just remember it was raining outside. I couldn't go out to the swings, which I always love to do with my dad, it was our thing to do. We spent hours out there just me and him. of course he was fluttering most of the time but when you are a kid you don't see that. I didn't till years later but..." Alexis pauses to swallow.
"Anyway after my mom walked out on me, I cried for days. I waited, watching for her to return. Well, that day...it never came, it still hasn't. I know people have lives and change...I've...my dad has...well some I guess." She laughs a little at that. "I...I always thought that she didn't want me...I don't know what I did wrong, but...I felt like I was...worthless...my dad kept trying to tell me that I wasn't and helped me find that out but still the pain of that never goes away. Each date that he went on after that... I thought I might have a chance but you see how that turned out." Another chuckle.
"All I ever wanted was someone to say...love me, sure dad and gramps did...but there was something missing...a connection...if that makes sense. well, that was until..." she sits in the chair next to Beckett's bed. "Until you stepped into our lives, a change happened...one in a good way, a jump start...a joy...that I haven't seen in years. not only for him but for me. but now...that's been taken away from me too." She starts to cry. "Why do you have to leave me..." she sniffs. "Life's not fair I know but...don't leave me, I don't think I can survive it..." she sniff. "And I know that he wont..." She lowers her head. "I know that this might sound selfish, but I don't care..."
a long pause. "You know that he blames himself for all this...I know that you guys have differences but that's what makes you great together...he cares for you...and what you think...I..." She sniffs again this time louder. "I...looked up to you...still do...come back to me, I..." she gets up to look out the window again. "My heart is breaking every time." another pause.
"I...you were the coolest person I knew...know well other then gramps...the one thing that I..." she turns around to face Beckett again. She didn't think that there was much hope of Beckett coming out of this...but she...this might be her one shot to tell her everything. "The one thing that I always asked for Christmas and new years was for...my dad to be happy. Something that well money couldn't buy...I thought I got my wish in you, I mean you made him happy, you seemed to be anyway...he acts like a child, keeping the innocence in his heart. Never giving up that chance, that one chance even if a slimmer of one, a chance of hope...your smile, the one he says he sees when he bring you coffee everyday made him believe, of that chance. And to me..." She took Beckett's hand and closes her eyes, not knowing that a nurse came in.
"To me you were more...more then a friend...I mean..." She can feel the more tears coming and faster. "I never told my dad...that I was being to well...how does one say...I never wanted you to leave my life...I was getting used to having you around...trusting in you...hoping that you and my dad would...well you know...become more then friends...I guess that I was asking once again for something to much...I just...you were more to me then my mom, if you can call her that. Meredith, that was her name, if you didn't know. You spent more time with me, in the past what eight nine months then she ever did...I thought the nightmares I had about her might end...now...I..." She let tears fall. "I'm now going to have other nightmares...I thought my life was going to change...but..." she sniffed. "It's not going to end very well...I just wanted to say thanks, to you...I enjoyed the chance that I had with you...thanks for listening to me blabbed on and on...but...I wanted you to know that...I just wish that...maybe one day...I'll feel it again...Beckett...Kate...I...we love you..." Alexis was silently praying for her to come back to them.
Almost immediately the machine monitoring starts going off. The door opens and more nurses run in.
"Get the kid out of here now." A nurse pushes Alexis towards the door. "What's happening...what did I do, what did I do..." Alexis starts to scream..."Is this my fault,?"
"You have to stay out here," the nurse slams the door shut.
Castle's walking around outside in the hallway with cups of coffee.
Something was not right. Why was Alexis standing by the door. Oh no. His heart sank. Not that.
"Alexis why are you out here?"
Nurses and Dr's are running around pass him.
Jim gets up.
"What's going on?"
Alexis starts crying uncontrollably. "I was just..." she grabs her dad. "I..."
"Shhh..."
"Oh dad...tell me she's going to be okay..." she sniffs and buries her face into him. Martha takes the cups from her son so he can hold Alexis. She looks over at Jim who, once again looks like he can't stand streight.
"oh no..." Jim tries to look in the window but the nurse closes it, why would they...close the curtain...that can't mean...
Martha rushed over to him, just in case he fell.
"Dad I think..." Alexis swallows, Beckett you can't die on me not now...I...
Dr and nurse were still running in and out of Beckett's room. "Go, go..." Then silence. Everything went silent...
Mr. Beckett exchanges looks with Castle.
Castle took a deep breath and swallows hard. He held his daughter tighter. Martha took Jim's hand she knew that what ever was happening, it was good to have some comfort. It wasn't much but it would help.
The door finally opens. Dr. Kovaks still standing in the door frame, spoke in a loud voice.
"I'll tell the family..."
to be continued...(sorry to leave you hanging)...
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what do you think so far?
