A/N: I'm so, so sorry for the delay. I've had a massive writer's block on this fic and wanted to start working on some of my other millions of intended multiparters. So, I kind of neglected this. Sorry again.
Thank you to: lisbon69, springdreaming, yaba, Frogster, Jisbon4ever, 2shy the Shippy, mwalter1, forthecoast, anthropologist, Famous4it, RainbowsArePretty, dekateia and autumnftw for reviewing part two. Also to boutondor for betaing, despite the fact it took me forever and a day to actually write the damn thing.
Next part should be up a lot quicker.
x tromana
Part Three
He knew he shouldn't run out on her like this, but really, it wasn't as if he was leaving for good. Just for a day or so.
Because it was the anniversary of…
Jane stopped that train of thought. That wasn't what he was here for right now. There would be time for that later. When he reached the cemetery.
What mattered now was that he dealt with Lisbon. Made sure that she knew he still cared about her at least. That he wasn't skipping out on work just for fun and he'd be home soon.
Lisbon was good at understanding, good at listening to him in his hour of need, but there were some thing he just couldn't share yet. It wasn't that he didn't want to, he just wasn't ready or didn't quite know how to say it. For somebody as good with words as he was, that was a very uncomfortable feeling and something he tried to avoid as much as possible. Besides, the poor woman had enough on her plate without him going on and on about the ghosts of his past. The fact she felt second best to them was obvious and he didn't want to exacerbate the feeling, even if right now, he couldn't make it any better.
His head collided with her desk and he remained in the hunched over position for a brief while. The cool wood relieved the tension headache that was beginning to develop and he appreciated the albeit temporary reprieve. This was such a mess and he was an idiot. He should never have started toying with her emotions, given her false hope of something that still might never happen. It wasn't even making her happy anymore, instead she was just as surly and depressed as he was. Lisbon didn't deserve that; he had to try and do something to fix it.
Well, later. There was always time for fixing his relationship with Lisbon properly later. Jane was more than aware that this was just the proverbial band-aid in attempt to keep the peace for just a little while longer.
Jane placed a small box in plain sight on her desk. The cleaners had long gone, so there was no chance of them disposing of it before she found it. That was the reason he was in her private office, alone. Little gifts, like a bottle of expensive perfume, wouldn't do all that much when it came to helping her feel better about their relationship. However, it was a baby step and made her feel spoilt. She'd had an unlucky childhood and spent most of her life thinking about others. While that wasn't a bad thing, it did mean she wasn't used to extravagant gifts.
Besides, gifts were something he could do right now and if they made her smile just a little, then it was an achievement of sorts.
However, it was inevitable that the panic would eventually set in. She hated the fact that he had been spending nights elsewhere - the CBI headquarters, motels, even his old place on one occasion - rather than at home with her. Him just disappearing on her was just going to be adding salt into the already gaping wound. Lisbon would assume that he had left for good, then proceed to search for him, all the while blaming herself for pushing him away.
He shook his head and closed the door. There was nothing he could do about that right now, except not go at all and he wasn't willing to do that. Jane needed was space and he wasn't in the mood to sit down and try and explain that to her. While she usually had enough understanding to know when to pull back, he had been pushing her away a lot lately - more than usual. She was growing frustrated and seeing it as a failure in her 'wifely duties' or something like that. Just leaving for twenty four hours and then dealing with the ghosts of the past as necessary was far more preferable. Certainly more so than tackling them in front of her anyway.
He knew she would understand afterwards. She was Lisbon.
That made all the difference in the world.
000
When she arrived at work the next morning, half asleep and yawning expansively, there was nobody else in the bullpen. In fact, there were very few people in the building at all. That wasn't unusual. Lisbon often made additional effort to get into work early in order to finish off paperwork in solitude. It sometimes seemed as though the additional wage she received for being senior agent was purely to pay for the extra time she spent dotting the i's and crossing the t's. She didn't complain though; she loved her job and without it, she would never have met her husband.
Her husband, who should have been stretched out over the battered couch near his unused desk.
That was why she was at least somewhat concerned. She hadn't seen Jane for a good twelve hours or so and she wanted desperately to know whether or not he was at least somewhat okay. There was a reason she married him, after all, and not just because she liked her engagement ring. With a heavy sigh, she headed towards her office and pushed the door open with her shoulder. Blinds clattered against the glass window and it filled the room with a sudden sharp noise. Lisbon sighed. At least there would be the general hubbub of noise soon and maybe then, Jane would decide it would be a good idea to come into work.
It was only when she collapsed into her chair that she noticed the small box, wrapped in delicate tissue paper placed on her desk. Intrigued, she ran a finger briefly across one of the edges before picking it up. She didn't need to guess who would leave such a thing in her office; only one man would be presumptuous enough to do such a thing.
Unless…
She disregarded the thought quickly. Security was more than adequate. Besides, since Bosco (her heart clenched painfully at the memory), it had been increased dramatically.
Lisbon tore the paper off, annoyed by her moment's indecision and smiled when she saw the contents. Sometimes, she hated just how well Jane knew her because it meant that she could hold very few secrets from him. Still, when he did things like this, just when she was doubting him and their relationship, she couldn't help but be grateful. Many women would kill for a husband who knew them that well. Unfortunately, Lisbon knew all too well that some literally did. However, perfume didn't explain where he was or why he seemed to be avoiding her.
Irritated, she pulled open a draw, placed it inside and shut it roughly. Regardless of what Jane thought, he couldn't buy favors.
Even though it was her favorite scent and she had been running low on it.
She shook her head. No, she couldn't think like that. Especially not at work where she had to remain professional. Here she was a senior agent, not a wife aching for some kind of contact from her husband.
Six hours later, when he remained stubbornly absent from the entirety of the CBI headquarters, she quickly changed her mind about that.
000
It had taken longer than he had expected to get to the cemetery and he was already uncharacteristically annoyed. He'd wanted to spend most the day here, tending to their gravesides and making them look at least presentable to passers-by. Instead, due to a couple of minor incidents, including him not being able to find anything at home and a road traffic accident causing tailbacks in all directions, he had only just arrived. He sighed. It was already well past lunchtime, but there was little more he could do.
He reached the graves he was looking for within minutes. The path to them was so familiar to him that he could quite easily have taken it blindfolded.
Moss was beginning to grow on the slabs of marble and Jane was embarrassed by the sight. He found it hard to come here, to the place where just their ashes remained. One of the very few reminders that his wife and daughter had existed at all. He knelt down and quickly started scrubbing at the surface, over the engraved name, relieved that he remembered to bring cleaning equipment. Once upon a time, he promised to love her forever, 'unto death us do part'. Death had already pulled them cruelly apart and yet, she still felt as important to him as the day he proposed to her. People thought he'd moved on, thought he was happy again. Oh how wrong they were. Angry, he threw down the brush and leaned up against the unforgiving surface. Half of him wished he was burned to a crisp like she was. Jane shook his head, trying to clear the mood that had enveloped his mind and carried on with his task, all the while thinking.
Cleaning their gravestones wasn't the only reason he came here today. It wasn't the only reason why he avoided Lisbon and work.
He wasn't sure why he was feeling quite so nostalgic, but he couldn't help it. Maybe it was because it was the first anniversary of a special occasion that had happened since he wed Lisbon six weeks ago?
It wasn't even a particularly special one, not to most people. However, being blessed (and cursed) with an exceptional memory, it was impossible for Jane to forget the day when his wife told him he was going to be a Dad. As soon as she had told him the news, he vowed that he would always be a better parent than his father had been. His little girl, she had been happy. But he hadn't been able to protect, had managed to get her killed before her fifth birthday. That was the ultimate failure.
The unmistakable crack of somebody standing on a twig filled the otherwise silent cemetery. Jane whipped around to look and he saw Lisbon, standing stock still, looking very embarrassed.
He knew he shouldn't doubt her abilities too much, but she had found him far quicker than he anticipated.
Truth be told, he didn't think she would make the connection at all.
000
"Talk to me."
Though it was phrased as a demand, she said it soothingly, quietly. She wanted him to know that she was there for him, through thick and thin. Even with all of her doubts, that was what she signed up for when she said 'I do' and she wasn't about to back out of it just because of a rough patch. She tried not to think about how the entirety of their married life could be described as one long rough patch and instead focused on him. It troubled her that since Red John had last struck, since their honeymoon, she hadn't been able to get a word out of him. Well a word that didn't relate to work, at any rate. Lisbon sat beside him, cross-legged and covered his hand with her own. She tried not to look heartbroken when he snatched it away, as if her fingertips had burned him to the core.
"Please."
"Teresa…"
"I can't even try to if you won't tell me a thing, Patrick."
He stood. Lisbon looked furious and he couldn't decide whether or not it was justified. Jane didn't have to ask to know that she was upset that he still willfully shut her out, but he didn't care. Not at that moment anyway. All his plans for privacy had been completely disturbed and he'd barely had a chance to start work on the graves, never mind prepare the lavish bouquets he'd bought.
Jane hadn't told her what he was doing because he knew it would hurt her. She hated the fact he was still so caught up in the past. Of course she tried not to judge, but deep down she did. It was obvious that Lisbon hated her hypocrisy; she was practically defined by the death of her parents. But then again, by marrying her, he had made paths into moving on, but he still acted as if his relationship with Lisbon barely existed.
"Why did you come here?"
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe to find my husband who should actually be at work rather than," she snapped, took a deep breath before lowering her tone. "Rather than here."
Without another word, he walked calmly away, leaving everything he had brought with him at the graveside. When Lisbon called to him, he bitterly ignored her. What he needed to go somewhere to calm down, to recollect his thoughts, not a heart to heart with somebody who was constantly just trying to understand. Briefly, he considered filing for an impromptu vacation. He wasn't sure whether or not he could face the questions of why Lisbon wasn't joining him as well though.
"You know what? Screw you," she muttered under her breath when it became clear he wasn't coming back.
Lisbon took a deep breath and headed to her SUV, but not without picking up Jane's belongings first. She refused to let the tears fall until she parked up outside their home. It just wasn't right for her to be seen crying in public.
TBC…
