A/N: Good news! I did manage to write this update a lot quicker than the last one. And I have ideas for how part eight is going to go as well. I will not let this green fic defeat me.
Thank you to: Rachel112, lucyyh, lolly2222, LizfromItaly, Jisbon4ever, Divinia Serit and xJadeWEAPONx for reviewing part six. I honestly couldn't write this one without your feedback. Even as a self-proclaimed angst aficionado, I find this one particularly depressing.
x tromana
Part Seven
"What are you doing?"
Lisbon was momentarily stunned at the distraction, to the extent that she actually dropped the pair of pants she had been hastily stuffing into her overnight bag. Slowly, she turned around to face Jane and the hurt was evident in his eyes. The question had been rhetorical; she knew she didn't really need to explain to Jane what she was doing. He was too goddamn clever for that. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. As far as she was concerned, there was no need for this to turn into yet another argument. Hadn't they done enough of that? And couldn't they just pretend that all this hadn't happened and go back to how they once were?
No, she told herself firmly. Marriage changed things. It was meant to be for the better, but of course, it had to change them for the worse, didn't it? All because she had been too naïve and too hopeful about how things could have been. Really, the signs that their union was doomed to failure had been evident from the start.
"Packing," she answered, trying to keep her tone as even as possible. "What does it look like?"
"You don't need to do that," he answered quietly.
"I need to give you some space, get my own place…"
"I'm not going to kick you out of your own home, Teresa."
"You're not kicking me out," she asserted. "I'm leaving. I'm the one who decided to leave you, remember?"
"Of course I remember," he snapped back and blocked the bedroom door. "It's not exactly something anyone's going to forget, is it?"
"Well, then..."
"Don't you think this is all a bit hasty? Shouldn't we talk or something?"
"Talk?" she asked, incredulous. "It's a bit late for that. I'm sorry-"
"No you're not," he interrupted.
She flopped back down on their marital bed – the one which she could count the number of times they'd shared on just the one hand – and let out a sigh of frustration. He was right; she wasn't sorry. Instead, she was just angry and that worried her. She hadn't felt such a pent up rage directed at him for such a long while now. Still, never for an instant did she believe that their separation was going to be easy, but she had always somehow anticipated that if she chose to leave, Jane would let her go willingly. Being married to him had caused so much of her spirit to drain out of her, and she was sick and tired of it. She'd hoped that he would somehow see it as something like releasing an animal back to the wild. Or that she could just let him go, freeing him of the duties he had shouldered when he'd said 'I do'. It must have been as hard for him as it was for her; after all, a ceaseless act, pretending you loved someone when you didn't really, must have been exhausting. But now, of all times, he was choosing to fight for it, fight for her?
Why?
It was too little, too late, surely?
She'd made up her mind and she wasn't going to back down now. Damn it, it wasn't just him who needed space. Lisbon knew that she herself needed it too. She could feel it in her bones, practically. And besides, there was the whole Cho debacle. There was no way she could forgive Jane for that in a heartbeat. Any – or all three of them – could have been killed, simply because he refused to discuss things with her. She wasn't just his wife, she was his boss. He hadn't just broken her trust at home, but at work too.
Lisbon needed time, to forgive herself and to forgive him maybe.
If he deserved it, of course. But she had to come to that conclusion in her own good time.
And needed to get the hell away from him, in the meantime.
"Patrick…"
"Don't start, Teresa. I'm sick of this."
"Sick of what, exactly?" she practically snarled, furious that he was being so difficult now. "The pretending, the lies? Wishing you could feel more than apathy for me?"
"Don't you dare," he snapped back quickly.
"Don't I dare what?" Lisbon asked furiously. "Speak the truth? One of us has to admit to it."
"Don't you dare put words into my head, damn it, Teresa, I love you."
"Oh really? Or are you just saying that because you think it'll make things easier again?"
She zipped up the bag and hoisted it onto her shoulders. There were a few things that she hadn't been able to find, but Lisbon was certain that sooner or later, she would be able to get hold of them. But right now, she just needed to get out of there. It had been far too long since she had last been able to get some rest and she could feel just how weary she was getting. The last thing she wanted to do was collapse onto the bed and fall asleep. As soon as she was at Cho's, then she could rest. But that meant cutting this conversation – no, argument – short and getting the hell out of there.
"Where are you going?" he asked quietly,
"What does it matter?"
"This is your home! I moved in with you, remember?"
"Of course I remember! But you don't have anywhere else to live. I can get by."
"You didn't answer my question," he answered back with narrowed eyes. "Don't you think you owe me a forwarding address at least?"
She snorted. "We see each other at work every day, don't we?"
"What if I ask to be transferred out of your unit? What if I leave?"
"You'll never do that."
"How do you know?" he asked.
"For one, we still haven't caught Red John. And secondly?" she paused to catch her breath. "Nobody else will have you. You know that as well as I do."
Lisbon brushed past him as she headed for the staircase. She choked back a sob as she descended; the last thing she wanted to do was give him more ammunition. When her hand was on the door knob, she paused and removed it. Then, she dug into her jacket pocket for three things. She dropped the rings onto the table and watched as they slowed to a standstill. Carefully, she removed her house key from her bunch and placed it neatly beside the jewelry. She was more than aware that she had an audience, but Lisbon ignored him.
She couldn't stand to look in his eyes for fear of what she might have seen if she did.
xxx
The house felt deathly quiet after Lisbon left. As soon as she'd done so, Jane picked up the rings and let his hands run over them, feeling the warmth reflected from the gold. It felt wrong, not seeing them on her fingers. Even worse knowing they were no longer in her possession. Still, he pocketed them himself and made a mental note to try and return them to her, one way or another. Even if she didn't wish to remain his wife, he had given her the rings in good faith. He wasn't about to accept them back any time soon.
But Lisbon was clever – even he had a habit of underestimating her on occasion. Jane knew it would take far more than surreptitiously leaving them in her office or slipping them into her jacket pocket to make her keep them for good.
This was something he was going to have to (try to) sleep on.
Of course, that was easier said than done. Jane had never slept well on even the best occasions, but right now, it had gotten worse. It didn't take long for him to grow sick and tired of tossing and turning before he eventually gave up. He threw back on the clothes he'd been wearing the previous day and headed straight out, not even bothering to stop and have a cup of tea. He just needed to get out of the house. Not to escape the memories of her, but just to get some fresh air to try and help him think straight.
Lisbon's rings felt heavy enough in his jacket pocket as it was.
Without even really planning to do so, Jane somehow ended up at the hospital where Cho was currently recuperating. A little small talk with one of the nurses, and some assistance with her smoking problem, meant he gained easy access to Cho's private room, without the need to worry about when visiting hours actually were.
His first thought was that it turned out that Cho even frowned in his sleep.
The second was that he probably shouldn't have come here, because he had clearly just disturbed Cho from his much-needed aforementioned slumber.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he rasped the moment he was conscious enough to realize that he had an audience.
"Visiting you," Jane said quickly and took a seat beside him. "I'm sorry."
"Whatever," Cho dismissed it quickly, clearly not believing it. "What do you want?"
"To know how you are."
"Fine," Cho answered bluntly.
"You're as bad as Lisbon, you know."
They both fell into an uncomfortable silence. Jane wasn't quite sure what he was doing here. All he knew was that he needed company of some sort. Somebody to help throw ideas off of. Or something like that, anyway. Cho seemed like as good a person as any, though the timing could probably have been better. Then again, hospital staff disturbed patients at regular intervals so it wasn't that likely that he was getting a particularly restful night's sleep.
"You're an idiot," Cho eventually said.
"And you're clearly feeling better already, if you're already ready to insult me," Jane replied with a grin.
"She didn't deserve to be treated like that."
"I know," Jane answered somberly.
"Then why the hell did you do it?"
Jane shrugged and stood once more. He knew he shouldn't be there; he was only making Cho more agitated. He'd always known that he and Lisbon had been particularly close friends. It was only natural that, despite his own very obvious discomfort, that he was still willing to fight in her corner. Jane knew all too well that he'd done wrong by Lisbon and Cho was only serving to remind him.
"I'd better go."
"Good."
"One more thing," Jane said, turning on his heels. "She's staying with you, right?"
"That's none of your business," Cho snapped.
He smirked; Cho's retort only served to confirm his hunch. It was a relief, in a way. Jane knew he could trust Cho to keep an eye on Lisbon as much as she would, him. And besides, it gave her the space she seemed to need at this moment in time.
It didn't stop him from thinking that divorce was still a little rash, however.
xxx
She kept mostly to herself that morning. Though Lisbon had been able to rest fairly well at Cho's, she was still feeling very drained. The case they were currently working on wasn't one which required a particularly heavy workload, which was lucky, considering they were already one man down. It meant she could leave the majority of the legwork up to Rigsby and Van Pelt. Instead, she had chosen to immerse herself in the Red John case. She wanted to see exactly what it was that had meant Jane had run off on his fool's errand alone. Really, she needed to see the definitive proof that there was a link between Red John and that gang.
At the moment, she wasn't getting very far.
Mostly, because a plain manila envelope was practically staring at her.
Lisbon knew exactly what was inside of it and that was half of the problem. After all, she was the one to fill it. Deep down, she knew it was the right decision. She couldn't keep living like this; it was only serving to make her more and more unhappy by the day. And as for Jane? Well, with regards to him, she felt like she had gone right back to square one. Like she barely knew the man.
It was for the best, she told herself firmly. And besides, she had more important things to focus on, like work. That could wait until the lunch break, at the very least.
Still, her own thoughts and own misgivings clouded her judgment. Nothing was sticking out at her when it came to the case, either, which only added to her frustrations. She needed a win and a big one at that. Just something to give her some of her confidence back and to remind her why she had chosen this profession in the first place. Lisbon had always been determined to be a good cop, even if it was typically a man's world. She wanted to prove that she was just as good, or if not, better than the men at it, and yet, she had somehow become trapped in a world where she was reliant on Patrick Jane.
She was beginning to wonder if it was worth having him on her team at all. Lisbon was at her wit's end and felt more demoralized than she had ever done so before. In both her personal life and her career, Jane had undermined her. But, she also knew, deep down, that she couldn't bring herself to let go of him entirely. For a start, she knew just how important the Red John case was to him and she wasn't about to let go of that in a hurry.
And she knew that she would miss him too much if she turned her back on him entirely. It was better for her to have him in her professional life, if nothing else. She still felt obliged to watch over him, to make sure that he didn't get himself into too much trouble. Nobody else seemed to care about him, least of all Patrick Jane himself.
When she picked that damn envelope off her desk at one p.m. exactly and headed over to Jane's couch, it was with a heavy heart.
But she needed to do this, for herself. It was time to regain control of at least one aspect of her life.
"Jane."
He opened one eye to look at her and she quickly moderated her expression.
"Glad to see you're looking rested," she said with a smirk.
"And I'm just glad to see you, my dear," he answered back.
Lisbon shook her head; she wasn't about to let him sweet-talk her out of this.
"This is for you."
"Work?"
"No," she answered and headed straight back to her office.
She wasn't lying; the envelope contained the papers instigating divorce proceedings.
TBC…
