A/N: This is where the story has some massive changes; since the Citadel was destroyed, I have had to rework some things. One of the chapters is being cut, almost entirely. So if this seems very different, that's why – for those of you new to the story, I hope you are continuing to enjoy this. Again, thank you all for your kind reviews. This was also why the update took a while, so my apologies for the delay.
Disclaimer: Bioware.
After Our Darkest Hour
Chapter Five – A Return to the Beginning
When Shepard woke, it surprised her to see that Kaidan had his chin propped in his hand, resting on his elbow, watching her. "Uh, hi there." She grinned a bit.
"Hey." He smiled and cupped her cheek in his hand, leaning down to kiss her softly, briefly. Too briefly.
"Not that I am complaining, mind you – and really, I'm not – but can I ask why you are watching me sleep?" She chuckled against his lips.
"Oh sure, complaining that I watch you sleet, what with your habit of sneaking out of bed while I am still out cold." He kidded. "How about, a question for a question? You answer mine, I answer yours."
Though the conversation seemed lighthearted enough, Shepard was a bit wary; as a soldier, it was imperative she always knew the perimeters of her mission. The two of them had only been back together for a number of weeks and, she knew Kaidan. Sometimes, as much as she loved him, he could be a little too stubborn and focused too much on the past. It had taken several intimate talks to prove to him she was no longer with Cerberus, and yet they had still been in a standoff, with guns pointed at each other. It had taken a long time for him to come around, but at least he had. She just hated that it had to turn to that for her to prove herself to him.
"Alright, I'll play along. Shoot." She turned on her side facing him and propped herself up on her elbow.
The corner of his lips twitched, as if he were suppressing one of those smirks she'd come to adore. Shame. "Well, just wondering; why haven't you told anyone else about the baby?" He asked it quietly, his own eyes suddenly becoming a bit wary. Like she might reach out and pluck his heart from his chest by saying she something that might insinuate that she didn't want this baby.
"Ah, Kaidan." She sighed softly and turned away, sitting up on the bed and bracing her elbows against her drawn up knees. Her hand was raked through her dyed hair. "I just, follow with me because it sounds a bit ridiculous, even to me, and we both know I have dealt with a lot of bullshit." He cocked a brow, chuckling, and nodded. "If I tell everyone, accept it, thrive with it – I will jinx it."
"How do you figure?"
"Kaidan…After Sovereign, I decided to accept our relationship." She sighed softly and pinched the bridge of her nose. "That day I…that day the Normandy was destroyed…I was going to tell you I love you." Dropping her hand, she smiled faintly at him, brushing the back of her fingers across his cheek. His gaze had darkened, and she could see the anguish in his eyes at her admission; she regretted now that she hadn't the courage to tell him before that fateful day, that had driven some much between them. She dropped her hand but he grasped it in his free one, not wanting to sever their connection in a moment like this. "I am afraid if I am going to jinx this…jinx our baby…if I acknowledge it by spreading the news."
Kaidan smiled and sat up, framing her face with his hands and pulling her lips to his. He kissed her for a long moment, soft and gentle manipulations of his lips over hers, before he pressed harder. Tongue darted out to sweep over her lips, parting them as she moaned a little noise that lit his soul on fire. They dueled their tongues in a dance all too achingly familiar, basking in the ability to be like this, given how close they had been to losing everything.
Slowly, he pulled back, looking intensely into her silver-blue eyes. "Shepard, you know why I watch you when you sleep? I do it because I fear if I may wake, to find this nothing but a dream and that you are still gone." His eyes took on that anguished look that made her heart ache. "I died when you died, Shepard. Living without you…it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was a fool for taking my pain out on you on Horizon and for not believing you had the best intentions working with Cerberus. I should have known I knew you better than that. I never should have turned my back on you." He shook his head slightly, frowning. "It took me a long time to come around, and I am sorry for that." He kissed her softly. "I watch you sleep because I can."
They melted into each other, intent on capturing moments they had lost, but the comm fired up, both groaning as they were forced to part.
"Admiral Hackett is on the vid comm for you, Shepard," EDI informed them. Shepard sighed as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood, slipping into her fatigues as she headed up toward her alcove at the top of the small set of stairs.
"Duty calls," she teased. "Put him through to my quarters, EDI."
"Of course."
The holo screen flared to life, laying over her model ships. Admiral Hackett saluted her and she returned the action respectively. "Admiral Shepard."
"Not sure I will ever get used to hearing that," she chuckled as she eased her military stance. "I think I preferred Commander."
"It'll grow on you," Hackett assured, a smile tugging at the edge of his scarred lips.
"How can I help you, Admiral?"
"Something important has arisen and, given its…sensitivity, I'd like to speak to you in person about the details."
"Of course."
"0600 tomorrow. Hackett out." The comm link faded, the screen disappearing so that she could see Kaidan through the glass window holding up her models. He looked pensive, brows drawn down over his amber gaze; she dared to think he looked worried.
"Kaidan?"
"I don't like it."
She found herself smiling in spite of his tone. Bare feet carried her back to the bed where she sat beside him and cupped his face as she spent a moment caressing his lips with her own. He didn't fight her, instead leaned into her as he slid his fingers into her hair. The kiss was soft, loving, one of the gentlest they shared to date and it seeped its way inside her, curled around her heart, and warmed her pleasantly. Despite everything they had been through since her death, she was irreversibly in love with him.
"What don't you like, Kaidan?" She whispered softly as she drew her lips away.
"No doubt this is about a mission," he actually sighed as he caressed the curve of her cheek with his thumb. "I know you're a soldier, we both are, but I don't want you in danger given your condition."
She shook her head with a smile. Almost a slightly exasperated one. "I know how to take care of myself, Kaidan. Granted, I have never been pregnant but it doesn't automatically mean I am made of glass." He moved to say something, but she pressed a finger to his lips. "We'll find a balance, but for now, there are things to be done."
The smoke curled in the air, wafting high above the small colony settled on Mindoir as screams followed in its wake. Batarians charged through the buildings of her home, shooting down everyone she had ever known and come to care for, or dragging off those they hadn't shot, kicking and screaming, crying and pleading. Shepard trembled, her mother pushing her down behind the crates of the storage shelter they were in. Her father reloaded his pistol and peeked around the corner, eyes locked on the broken door, seeing glimpses of the running colonists as they tried to flee from the Batarians.
"Stay down," her father said so low she barely caught it as he turned back to them, back pressed to the crate.
"We have to get her out of here," her mother whispered back.
"There might not be a way out. We don't know how many Batarians are raiding the colony." Her father pinched the bridge of his nose, something he often did when he was trying very hard to think. Shepard stared at her parents, grasping tightly at her mother's arm, whole body trembling; this wasn't supposed to be happening. She was only sixteen. This was a farmer colony – it had always been peaceful, they had never bothered or disturbed anyone. Why?
"I…I am not leaving without you…" she tried to say with conviction, though her voice wavered.
Her father's steel blue eyes were on her in an instant. His hand reached out to grasp her shoulder firmly as he met her scared gaze. "Anvi, listen to me. I will do everything in my power to get us all out of here safely, but you and your mother come first."
"Dad…I –" he shook his head and she bit her lip, nodding faintly.
"Anvi, I never wanted this for you." Her father sighed and pulled another pistol from his belt, pressing it into her trembling hand. "You must do whatever it takes to survive. You're a Shepard – you can do this." He paused, eyes on the gun he'd placed in her hand, before they moved to her frightened young face. "I know I…don't say this a lot, Anvi…I'm proud of you, and I love you."
"Dad, I –" he shook his head. "I love you too…"
Her father and mother embraced. Shepard's heart raced, her short auburn hair sticking to her pale, perspiring face. The gun felt odd in her trembling hand. When her father released her mother, he turned his gaze back to her. "Anvi – you know what you have to do. Even if the Alliance gets the Distress beacon, there is no guarantee they will arrive in time. We have no idea how many Batarians are in the Colony, or in the surrounding area. Get to the holding area and you lock yourself in there until help arrives."
"Dad, I can't…"
"Anvi Shepard! Do I make myself clear?"
Shepard swallowed, tears rolling down her cheeks; she was a child, sure, but she knew what this was. Her father was saying goodbye. There was a good chance she would never see him again. Lips tensely pressed together, she nodded and gripped the pistol rightly in her hand.
"As soon as I catch their attention, you and your mother go, do I make myself clear?" Again, she nodded. He gave them one last lingering gaze, sadness etched into the lines of his face and the hue of his eyes, before he moved around the crate and left her line of sight; it all seemed so surreal. It felt like just yesterday he was carrying a squealing little girl on his shoulders, laughing excitedly about some meaningless discovery they'd made. Shots rang out and her mother grabbed her free hand, yanking her, making her stumble out of their hiding spot. Her father had gone through the doors and was now firing at the Batarians from behind a rather impromptu barricade. He caught her gaze. "GO!" he mouthed, and then her mother was dragging her. They turned and bolted, running through the shelter into an adjacent home where more bodies laid strewn about. They kept moving, Batarians outside paying them no heed as they focused on the civilian firing at them, at least until they came to the main crossover bridge that led to the holding shelter.
A Batarian had more eyes, Shepard realized; this was her first time ever actually seeing one. Four eyes had caught a flash of their clothing as they tried to make a dash across the bridge, and the Batarian turned, shouting orders to the others just beside him. Her father way at the end of the way saw what had happened and began to fire in earnest, trying to draw their attention away from Shepard and her mother as they ran. Two Batarians broke away from the unit and came after them; Shepard tried not to panic – they were going to make it out of this, they had to.
When the Batarians appeared at the end of the bridge, running toward them, Shepard's mother tore the pistol from her hand and shoved her. "GO! Get inside now! Use the emergency codes we taught you!" She turned to the aliens and fired, wounding one but only pissing off the other.
"Mom!"
"ANVI GO NOW!" She shoved her again, making her tumble through the doors of the building just behind them. "I love you, Anvi. Be safe." And with that she slammed her hand on the door controls and sealed Shepard inside. She could hear the pistol firing at the door and she knew that her mother was blasting out the controls so she couldn't open them. Shepard pounded on the door, crying out her mother's name, broken sobs wracking her body as she heard her mother's scream fade away as no doubt the two Batarians dragged her away to do god knows what to her.
She had to go, she had to go – the thought kept replaying through her head, it's what her parents wanted. Stumbling over her feet, she moved to the wall panel and uncovered a hidden console that she punched a number code into. The wall panel fell shut and the floor slid open, revealing a stair case that led beneath the shack. Still crying, she made her way down the stairs and through the door once it opened to allow her through; the floor panel slid shut, disguising the hidden entryway as no more than the shack's floor. The lights in the room flickered on and she hit the button, the door hissing shut behind her as she stumbled to the control console. Trembling fingers flew over the keypad, punching in the emergency codes that her parents had taught her; it would send out a distress beacon with codes only the Alliance had ciphers to, and lock the panel for entry to anyone who didn't have the code the message contained.
Sliding to the floor, she curled up and held herself as the only life she had ever known, crumbled to ruins around her.
Shepard shot up in her bed, her body drenched in sweat, the sheets clinging to her pale skin. Her stomach rolled in protest to the dream, the smell of burning flesh something she never liked to recall. She felt sick. Her throat started to burn and she knew without a doubt what was coming next; swinging her legs over the edge, she stumbled to her feet and bolted to her bathroom. She knelt beside the toilet and gripped the floor as she proceeded to empty her stomach of the meager dinner she'd had only hours before. She sat for a minute, taking a deep breath to steady her trembling body.
"Shall I call doctor Chakwas for you, Shepard?" EDI offered through the comm.
"Nah, I'm okay. It's…normal," she said after a moment, realizing that it was – it just wasn't the dream, it came with her condition. Maybe that's why she had dreamt of Mindoir…of her parents.
"As you say. There is a new message at your private terminal from Major Alenko."
Shepard stood and cracked her back with a sigh, only then realizing that Kaidan hadn't been in bed with her when she woke. "When did Kaidan leave?" She asked EDI.
"Major Alenko was logged leaving the Normandy two hours ago."
"He left the ship?" Her brows crunched together; She had thought they'd put their brief disagreement behind them, but it seemed he'd taken actions into his own hands.
"Affirmative, and though I could likely read the message for you, I believe he wanted you to read it yourself."
Shepard shook her head with a small smile; maybe EDI had been spending too much time with Joker on the bridge since she had gotten her body. She was certainly more humorous since he unshackled her during the Collector attack. Not that she minded, humor kept things light hearted enough for her not to lose her mind when the weight on her shoulders felt like too much. "Thanks EDI," she mumbled as she sat in her chair, turning on the terminal. The message tagline read 'Sorry' and she tapped on it, opening the file to read it.
Shepard,
I am taking a shuttle to the London HQ. I will try to be back soon. Hopefully before you wake. I know Hackett asked for you but…I'm sorry. I want to handle it for you, if I can. I know you're not made of glass, Shepard but…
I love you,
Kaidan.
She studied the message for a long moment. "EDI, can you tell me if Admiral Hackett is available on the comm?"
"Affirmative, Shepard. However, Major Alenko is with him."
"Put me through to the Admiral." Her terminal beeped, EDI establishing a safe link to the Admiral Hackett's comm line. "Hackett, this is Shepard."
"Shepard, good to hear from you; Major Alenko came in your stead.
"I know; what was it you wanted to discuss?" She swallowed, her stomach rolling in protest. Had her dream of a memory long past been more than she had assumed? Her dreams since she had left Earth had been strange in that way, almost foreshadowing of things to come. She had done so damn much to end this war. She suddenly felt the urge to punch something, her emotions bubbling too close to the surface for her to be comfortable with.
"Shepard, I think it will be better to let Alenko handle this. This might be something difficult to deal with."
"There isn't a whole lot I haven't dealt with since the war started, Admiral."
Kaidan's comm linked with theirs. "Shepard, I think he is right about this." He sounded concerned, which only made her need to know that much more powerful.
"You two, of all people, know I do not like being kept in the dark." She grit her teeth, trying to keep her tone neutral, even as irritation rubbed at her. Had to be the hormones, it had to be. She normally wasn't so…short-fused. The war had changed a lot of people, though, hadn't it?
"As you say, Shepard." Hackett sighed softly. "I was just filling Alenko in on the details. Human colonies all around the Galaxy have been reporting in since the end of the attack. Mostly damage and casualty reports…Mindoir reported in as well, however…"
Mindoir…she had been dreaming of home, of Mindoir. The day it fell, when she had been thrust into a whole new life in the wake of a decimated one. "However…?"
"The casualties were low. Only Reaper threat they dealt with were an occasional scout. A Reaper vessel never touched down – it isn't densely populated, so it was unlikely to be high on the Reaper's list of planets to harvest."
"What's the problem then?"
"The colony went silent two days ago at 1900; we have been trying to raise it since, but to no avail."
"I will look into it." She said it without hesitation, though her hands trembled at the thought of returning to Mindoir. She hadn't stepped foot on the planet, the colony, since the Alliance and Anderson had taken her from there.
"Shepard…" Kaidan tried to say something, but he suddenly stopped, as if the Admiral had shook his head to cease his protest.
"Major Alenko will return shortly with the details. Hackett out."
Shepard cut the comm link and sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. She was going home.
