A/N: Again, more love for the favorites, alerts, and reviews. You guys rule, seriously!
Disclaimer: Bioware.
After Our Darkest Hour
Chapter Eight: Giving Way to Change
Kaidan was taken straight to the Med Bay once the Normandy retrieved them from Mindoir. Shepard was reluctant to leave him, but she needed to get a progress update to Hackett, even though she had already had EDI forward the report. Reassuring him she would be back sooner rather than later, and kissing him quickly on the cheek, she left the Med Bay and took the Elevator to the CIC, and then proceeded through the right hand doors toward the war room, which gave way to the comm room.
"EDI, link me to Admiral Hackett."
"At once, Shepard."
The comm fizzled for a moment, Earth's link still a touch unstable as they rebuilt, before Hackett's holo image stood just in front of her. "Shepard, hell of a thing you just had to go through on Mindoir. It's hard to think one of our own fell so far and right on the heels of the Reaper invasion." The old man shook his head. "A shame." His gaze narrowed, taking in her somewhat defense stance, her arms folded and the way she subtly leaned back. "Shepard?"
"I owe you an apology, Admiral. I know you've read the report, but I am the one who decided to let Toombs go with the condition he got help." She sighed and dropped her arms. "I feel if I hadn't let him go three years ago, this never would have happened."
"Shepard, we make hard calls every single day. Lives are lost, but we press on, that's what we do. You couldn't have known Toombs would do this." Hackett sighed and shook his head. "History is always there, but we can't let our mistakes haunt us and make us lesser soldiers. Each defeat makes us stronger, remember that."
Shepard couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the edges of her lips. As much as Anderson had seemed like a father to her, Hackett felt like family as well; a pep talk from him never failed to help rile her spirit. Her fight. "I'll remember that, Admiral. Thank you." She pressed her lips together, eyes dipping toward the floor.
"There is something else, isn't there, Shepard?" Hackett had the nerve to sound almost amused – like a father who was calmly helping his daughter through her problems.
"As a matter of fact, yes, there is." Her eyes came back up to the holo of Hackett. "As much as Anderson wanted this for me, I am afraid I will be taking time off, possibly indefinitely."
"You seemed so sure when you accepted, Shepard. Might I ask about the change of heart?" Did he sound genuinely disappointed?
"There is…something I have neglected to tell you, Admiral. You know I have broken fraternization regulations." She blushed slightly, adverting her gaze for a moment before daring to look back at him, though the older man didn't seem phased in the least.
"Shepard, we have all broken them at some point or another." He actually chuckled. "But to answer your insinuated question, yes, I do know. It was a little hard to miss the way Major Alenko looks at you."
"Yes, well…it would appear I am pregnant, sir."
His eyes visibly widened beneath the brim of his hat, his mouth gaping slightly. "Is…is that even possible? Physically, I mean, with the...implants?"
Shepard nodded slightly. "EDI and I looked into it thoroughly, Admiral. Miranda Lawson, the ex-Cerberus who led Project Lazarus, assured me that all my womanly parts are…" she waved a hand emphatically, "…in working order."
"I see." Hackett rubbed his chin thoughtfully and she wondered briefly if he was upset with her or happy for her. She preferred the latter. Though, even if she was happy about it, there was still a lot she had to…process, herself. She couldn't expect everyone to react positively, though Joker's reaction had been absolutely priceless; she doubted she would ever forget that expression on her pilot's face. "How do you feel about this, Shepard?"
The question caught her off guard. Telling Kaidan had been the priority after she had researched how her being pregnant was possible. Shepard hadn't actually stopped to think how she felt about it; once she found out, she had simply accepted it as it was, something she had done often in her life, both as a soldier and a survivor of impossible odds. That was Shepard in a nut shell; a survivor. When she had found out about the pregnancy, her mind accepted it as another thing she would survive, but now that she was being questioned about her feelings…she was unsure. The last mission had made her realize she couldn't go on as she had before, not without risking the baby's life, something Kaidan and she would never be able to live with. Whether or not she liked it, she had to take a step back and relieve herself of active duty; at least until after the baby was born. "I…am happy, I think, Hackett. As you know, my family was killed on Mindoir, so I was orphaned. Anderson and you have been the closest I have had to father figures." She smiled and nodded faintly. "I don't know how to be a mother, or how to be anything other than a soldier, it's who I am, but a family with Kaidan…well, it's a nice thought."
This time Hackett smiled. "Then I am happy for you. I would at least hope the Major plans to make an honest woman out of you." The Admiral cocked a brow in question.
She blinked and laughed softly with a nod. "Yes, he did ask me to marry him, but I'm not exactly wife material."
"He's a lucky man, Shepard, don't ever doubt that." Damn hormones, she could swear she felt her eyes watering faintly. "I would like you to stay in charge of the Normandy, at least for now, Admiral. Active duty or not, she is your ship. We can discuss details further when it comes to that." She nodded and they both saluted.
"We will return to Earth for now, Admiral. We want to be involved in rebuilding."
"Understandable. We will see you soon then, Shepard. Hackett out."
When she made it back to the Med Bay, Kaidan was asleep, much to her surprise. Chakwas told her that the stress from the gunshot wound had induced one of his notorious headaches, so she had given him a sedative to help sleep it off. Shepard told Chakwas to alert her the moment he woke and made her way to the elevator to take it to her cabin in the loft of the Normandy. She was overdue to write some messages, so she sighed and sat at her personal terminal.
(Private Terminal: Admiral Anvi Shepard, SSV Normandy, 2187 C.E. 4:34 p.m.)
I miss you guys, you have no idea. Sending this as a mass message to reach each of you, as some crazy things have been happening here. Any of you remember Corporal Toombs? He completely lost it, went to Mindoir and wiped out the colony to lure me there; safe to say that is probably my last mission…for a while. Not because I want it to be, mind you, but there is something else you guys need to know…I'm pulling out of active duty for now, turns out I am pregnant. I can just picture the looks on each of your faces right now, especially you, Vakarian. But yeah, Kaidan and I are going to be parents…crazy, huh?
Get back to me soon, alright? Shepard out.
(Sent to: Garrus Vakarian, Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy, Doctor Laira T'Soni 2187 C.E. 4:40 p.m.)
She shut off the terminal screen once the message was sent, leaning back in her chair. "Joker, set a course for Earth."
"Aye aye, ma'am."
She must have dozed off, because gentle fingers running through her hair woke her, eyes fluttering open to see Kaidan leaning over her from the back of her chair. She mmm'd softly as the fingers of his uninjured arm continued to gentle massage at her scalp, the tension from having fallen asleep so awkwardly, slipping away to give into genuine relaxation.
"You fall asleep working again?" He asked softly, a small smile lifting a corner of his lips.
"For once, no. Must've fallen asleep after I wrote the message for the others." She yawned a bit. "Let them know what's going on and…about the baby."
"Oh?" He chuckled slightly, adjusting his stance, his injured arm in a sling for now. "The light is blinking, so they must have written back. I can imagine their shock…"
"I think we were all a little shocked," she mumbled sleepily as she brought his hand to her lips, kissing it softly before she stood and stretched a little languidly, at least glad that she had remembered to change out of her armor once returning to the ship. That would have hurt, to have fallen asleep in the chair in armor. She almost shuddered to think of it. Keeping a hold of his hand, she walked down to the sofa and sat, pulling him down next to her and leaning into his side, his arm wrapping around her shoulders.
"Not going to check your messages?" He asked curiously.
"Nah, I want to talk to you first."
He chuckled, shaking his head briefly. "I'm in trouble, aren't I?"
"Don't worry, it's nothing like that." She rested her head against his chest, almost afraid to speak, this moment of being so close to him, in his arms, enough to make her completely content. "I told Admiral Hackett I'm pulling out of active duty."
She couldn't see his face, but she felt his body tighten slightly and she could just picture the puzzled expression she was sure he was wearing. "Why?"
She leaned up, scooting back some to that she could turn to face him, taking his hand in hers. Their eyes met, his anxious and curious, hers oddly calm and clear. "Mindoir made me realize I can't keep living my life the way I have for so long; I've always been a survivor, Kaidan, and I have been through a helluva lot, even for a soldier. And, once upon a time, I still wouldn't have traded that life for anything. I am a soldier, inside and out, but…I can't continue like this, if I want us to have this baby. I…I felt like a fool when we came back to the ship after what Toombs pulled…if you hadn't taken that bullet for me, I could have very well died, or worse, lived but lost the baby."
"Shepard – "
She pressed a finger to his lips and smiled. "Let me finish. I'm not one to get all touchy-feely and open, so let me get out all I wanted to say before I lose my nerve." He smiled slightly and nodded, kissing her finger before she withdrew it. "I have some…serious reservations about being a mother, Kaidan. I have dealt with loss my entire life; I don't expect things to ever stay peaceful. I have fought for every inch I have ever gotten. I…don't know how to live a peaceful life, how to be a family, much less how to raise a child, but…like I told Hackett…a family with you, it's a nice thought…if I am going to try it, I want to try it with you. I will give it my all, to be a good mother, but I can't just take the soldier out of who I am."
Was he tearing up? Spirits, she had made him cry. Before she could frown and say something, he smiled and wrapped his good arm around her, bringing her close. "I would never expect you to stop being a soldier, Anvi," he whispered reverently into her hair, "and this is far more than I expected, really. It means so much to me, makes me so happy, that you would do this for us, for our baby." He kissed the top of her head, his body shuddering slightly with what emotion she wasn't sure. "I will let Hackett know that I will go back to teaching Biotics, and I am sure we can find you something to do as well, Shepard, like lectures, or teaching recruits."
She chuckled softly and nodded, kissing the side of his delectable neck. "I hadn't thought of that. You think of everything, don't you, you sexy man."
"That I do, ma'am." She leaned up shaking her head, body shuddering slightly as she suppressed a laugh. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing, I'm just…happy." Shepard's lips curled into a genuinely content smile, her hand taking his as she led him to the bed. "Come, let's get some rest. We'll be at Earth soon enough." They climbed into the bed together, under the covers, Kaidan wrapping his arm around her and holding her to his side as she slid easily into a light slumber, all the turmoil in her having given way to a strange, but wonderful, feeling of contentedness. Strangely, she wouldn't have had it any other way.
Shepard woke with nausea again, her stomach rolling and churning almost painfully. She sat up slowly, putting a hand to her head as a wave of dizziness made the edges of her vision dot black. Kaidan didn't wake when she sat up and she slipped out as quietly as she could, moving on bare feet with quick steps to reach the bathroom before she lost her dinner. Which she did. She panted, sucking in a breath once it was over; the taste was bile in her mouth and she moved to the sink, using her hand to bring some water to her mouth to swish it and spit it out, washing the taste away. When she sighed and raised her gaze, she found Kaidan standing in the doorway, his greying hair sticking up in places, chest bare, and eyes still half dazed as he yawned.
"You okay?" He asked softly, genuinely concerned.
"Yeah…not the first time. Morning sickness," she chuckled and moved to him, kissing his cheek as he took her into his arms and held her. His hand roamed over her hair, caressing it soothingly as she leaned against him, the nausea subsiding.
"Have you asked Chakwas for something?"
"Nah. If I can handle the Reapers, I can handle a little morning sickness." She slipped from his arms and yawned, eyes catching the blinking green light on her private terminal; ah, that's right, Kaidan had mentioned it before that she had messages. No doubt they were from the others and she felt a nervous flutter – they would be shocked, of that she had no doubt, but she wanted them to accept it for what it was, a miracle. Something good that came of all the pain and loss she experienced in this three year war with sentient machines bent on their annihilation. "Wish I could have some caffeine," she grumbled, sitting at her desk. Her head fell back against the chair to glance at him. "Would you mind going down to the mess and grab me something to eat? I'm sure Gardner has something for an upset stomach."
He smiled softly, and nodded, leaning down to kiss her forehead gently, before he moved back down into the room to fetch a shirt. He glanced at the clock; oh-six-hundred. Early enough for crew members to be up, so he decided against the slippers and slipped on his socks and sneakers. "Back before you have time to miss me," he joked with a smile, leaving the Captain's Cabin to take the elevator to the mess two floors down.
Shepard turned back to the terminal once Kaidan left and turned on the screen. There were a number of messages – Garrus, Tali, Liara, and Hackett(all she expected, plus one); briefly she wondered what Hackett would have messaged about that he couldn't call her on vid comm, but she tapped on Garrus' message first.
(Private Terminal: Special Task Force General Garrus Vakarian, 2187 C.E. 7:12 p.m.)
You? Retire? I don't see that happening, Shepard. You would be too bored. Go stir crazy in no time…Pregnant, or otherwise. About that…I didn't think that was possible, what with you having died and all. Not that I am saying it's a bad thing, just having a hard time seeing you as the mothering type – though I suppose you have had a good number of kids over the years. Solving our problems and lecturing us. Though I would suggest we lay off the suicide missions. Between the two of us we have had plenty for both of our lifespans, can't say that about Liara though. With things out there like the Reapers, I can almost be thankful we don't live as long as the Asari. Not that we have to worry about them now, thanks to you, Shepard.
Things on Palaven are as bad as on Earth…everything is rubble, or damn close to it. We lost too much to the Reapers, but if it wasn't for you, we would have lost everything. Rebuilding has been hard but at least we have a shot. Hey, if they ever get the new station up and going again we have to go find a new favorite spot. You know, to catch a breather. I think we deserve a moment or two to breathe.
And Shepard? You'll be a wonderful mother, if not a bit unorthodox. And tell Alenko I think he'll be a pain in the ass father. Bet he'll love that.
(Sent to: Admiral Anvi Shepard, SSV Normandy, 2187 C.E. 7:41 p.m.)
Shepard smiled throughout the length of Garrus' message, chuckling a bit at the way he ended it; she missed him. He was her best friend, it was strange not to have him at her side, complaining about the calibrations on the Normandy's guns and who dared to screw them up. Shaking her head, she tapped onto Tali's message next.
(Private Terminal: Fleet Admiral Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy, 2187 C.E. 9:51 p.m.)
Pregnant? Really? I can't believe it! They really made sure to put you back together didn't they? Jokes aside, Shepard, I am happy for you. I am assuming Kaidan is over the top happy about this. He always said he wanted a family. I'm glad you two managed to work things out. After Horizon…well…I was worried there for a while. It's good that you are pulling back from active duty – you have to put your health first for now.
Rebuilding plans on Rannoch are going smoothly now that the majority of the Fleet has settled back on planet. The Geth have been more than helpful. In no time at all we won't need our suits anymore. Can't believe it…been in a suit my entire life, but because of you and Legion I will be able to hold myself suit free on the surface of my home world. Thank you again, Shepard. I just wish Legion could be here. Is it strange that I miss a Geth?
We will have to make plans to see each other soon – I miss you all.
(Sent to: Admiral Anvi Shepard, SSV Normandy, 2187 C.E. 10:08 p.m.)
She had to agree with that last part – there was no way she could stay separated from them all. They would have to make plans to get together soon, the whole group; even crew from when the Normandy flew under Cerberus colors. Catching up with them had been highlights in the otherwise mostly dark hours of the Reaper War. She just…she wished the lost could be here with them; Thane, Anderson, Legion, and yes, even Mordin – as weird as she found the Salarian at times. She had to admit she liked him more when they met up this time around. Pledging himself to the Krogan's future had made Mordin better, made him someone Shepard found she could admire.
She missed them. Even dealing with as much loss as she had her entire life, it was still a strange thought to think she would never speak to them again, see them, or touch them. With a soft sigh, she tapped on the the message from Liara.
(Private Terminal: Liara T'Soni 2187 C.E. 9:55 p.m.)
I wanted to wait until the others sent their messages before I sent mine(Shepard rolled her eyes – sometimes being the Shadow Broker was way too much of an advantage, even for her friend). Goddess, Shepard, you're pregnant? Miranda did an astounding job when she revived you, didn't she? Even so, it's a miracle. You'll be a wonderful mother.
Thank you, Shepard, for saving us all. You're child couldn't ask for a better mother, or in all seriousness, a better father either. Kaidan will do anything and everything he can. The Goddess has blessed you, Shepard. I'm glad you finally have time to be happy.
Don't worry. I will keep an eye on everything for you while you're out of active duty.
-Liara
(Sent to: Admiral Anvi Shepard, SSV Normandy, 2187 C.E. 10:09 p.m.)
Shepard smiled; well, at least she had someone with unlimited resources as her eyes while she was down and out. Vaguely she wondered what she would do once the baby was born. Would she go back to active duty as an Alliance officer? She couldn't imagine why she wouldn't – she'd never lived any other life since Mindoir.
With a pensive frown, she clicked on Hackett's message.
(Private Terminal: Admiral Steven Hackett, London Alliance Headquarters, 2187 C.E. 5:00 p.m.)
Shepard. The station is nearing completion. Fleets will be escorting it to the Serpent Nebula tomorrow at oh-thirteen-hundred. A new council will have to be formed, seeing as we lost the last to the Reapers. Report in as soon as you touchdown on Earth.
The station was unceremoniously voted to be named Station Shepard.
Hackett out.
(Sent to: Admiral Anvi Shepard, SSV Normandy, 2187 C.E. 5:07 p.m.)
"Any interesting reactions to report?" Kaidan's voice had her turning in the chair to face the door. The smell of soup – hint of chicken – nearly had her salivating. He held a bowl in his hands, heat wafting up visibly. He moved toward her, setting the bowl on the desk beside her terminal and handing her the spoon. "It's hot."
"Thanks," she smiled as she took the spoon, dipping it into the soup – which she saw was chicken noodle, her favorite – and digging out a bite, blowing on briefly before putting it on her tongue. She nearly mmm'd aloud at the taste; somehow, it just…hit the spot. "Garrus told me to tell you 'he'll be a pain in the ass father'. Said you'd like that." She chuckled.
Kaidan smirked, folding his arms over his chest. "Not that I should be surprised he'd say something like that."
"Tali is happy for us, as is Liara." She took another bite.
"Knew there was a reason I liked them." He slipped his shoes off and slid his shirt back off, plopping onto the bed on his back. He folded his arms over his head and stared out at the stars through the roof window Shepard's cabin had – something he liked a lot. There was just something soothing about watching the stars, he found.
"And the new station was apparently named after me," she mumbled, though the grin on her lips was hard to hide.
"I'm not surprised, considering all you've done," he chuckled.
"Kaidan…can I ask you something?" She polished off the rest of the bowl and set the spoon down, standing up and moving to the top of the steps. She folded her arms across her chest, leaning against the fish tank with her hip and shoulder.
"You can ask me anything, Anvi. I think." He chuckled, rolling onto his side to prop himself up on an elbow. His amber gaze found her, a weary yet amused look in them.
"I feel a little stupid asking this considering what we faced but…does this scare you…at all?" She waved a hand, hoping he knew what she was asking. She didn't want to have to spell it out, already feeling foolish for asking it in the first place. How could a pregnancy make her nervous, afraid, when she had raced head on into Harbringer's beam to save the galaxy.
"The baby?" She nodded and he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. "Definitely. It's something new and we are always afraid of the unknown. I am happy, though. And excited. I think it's something that invokes a whole bundle of emotions."
"Good to know." She smiled softly.
"ETA to Earth 3 hours," Joker announced over the comm; they must have passed through the relay when she was asleep. Vaguely, she inwardly laughed at the thought that maybe the relay jump is what triggered her morning sickness.
"Thanks Joker, let me know when we are ten minutes out."
"Aye aye, Commander."
Shepard padded on bare feet over to the bed and plopped gently onto her side, wrapping an arm around Kaidan's neck to draw his head down so that she could kiss him deeply. Their tongues caressed, sliding along each others and teasing, stroking endless fires of passion they felt for each other. Pulling back, she tugged on his lower lip with her teeth.
"Feeling a little frisky, Commander?" He murmured against her lips, nipping, before dragging his lips down to tease her delicate jawline, his hand caressing her hip before sliding back to cup her supple bottom.
"Mmm, always." She chuckled and tilted her head back, giving him access to her neck, which he promptly took advantage of. His teeth nipped, tongue soothed, lips sucking the skin just hard enough to leave little red love marks on her pale skin. He rolled her onto her back and used his skilled hands to pull her shirt over her head, leaving her ample breasts bare to his gaze; at his insistence, she had stopped wearing undergarments to bed so, should they wake in the middle of the night to sate their desire for each other – and they did so often – there wasn't much clothing to get in their way. Well, complicated clothing. Bra hooks were too complicated when one was only half awake.
"Any ideas on what we could do for a couple hours to keep busy?" He asked, his expression carefully blank before he leaned down and drew his tongue around a pink nipple.
"Mmm, I am sure you can think of something," she chuckled, before she lost herself as his hand slipped into her shorts to find her core already wet for him, two fingers sliding deep to stroke her. "I have no doubt about that."
