A/N: I had originally meant for the story to be a Oneshot, but I left it open, and I finally decided to continue the story. Thank you to all who reviewed, the positive energy got me writing, even just knowing that people are making it a favorite, although, if there's more reviews, I can update sooner than later… School is starting up soon, and I'm going to be busy, getting into the rhythm and all, but I'll try to keep up with updating, I know how frustrating it can be to wait for a really long time for the next chapter.
Disclaimer: I forgot it last time, I was in a rush and I'm still new to this, but I admit, despite my fantasies, I do not own the Avengers. (Sigh)
By the way: I switch perspectives from Tony to bruce halfway through, so I'm sorry for any confusion on that. _
The next morning was awkward, to say the least.
Tony woke to Jarvis informing him that he needed to get up. "No…" he only groaned in reply, "no, no, no, no," and that was when the events of the last night hit him. He trembled at the memory, and deep in his gut, the fiery feeling of shame rising up; he looked over and didn't see Bruce laying there, to his relief and confusion.
"Sir, you really need to get up. If you do not exit the room within 10 minutes the emergency alarm will go off."
"and?"
"Would you like me to repeat myself?"
"Ugh." Tony sat up, felt dizzy, and flopped back down with a groan. "Don't say I didn't warn you, sir." Jarvis said with what could consider to be a sigh, and Tony finally lifted himself out from under the covers. The more he thought about it, the less he wanted to have the matress completely turned over onto the floor, fans blast at high from the walls and a mixture of rock songs and Fury shouting at him screaming through the room. It had been Peppers request.
He was dressed, and safely out of the room, but the last thing Tony wanted to do was to see his team-members again. His episode wasn't new to him, he had experienced the whole thing many times, but nobody ever, ever knew about his attempts.
"Jarvis," He called, "set me a flight to my house in Malibu, today preferably." Maybe Tony could slip off, escape to his mansion and think everything out there. That sounded like the best thing to do, but his mind felt scrambled, and he was so goddamn tired. The lab appealed to him right now, even with nothing to do in it, but as Tony slid to a sitting position with his back against the wall, his knees up with his forehead resting on them, he desperately wanted-needed coffee. Maybe mixed with scotch. But he, the brilliant Mr. Stark, had no idea how he would maintain his composure, his image, with the rest of the team waiting for him. He knew they would be. They wouldn't accept him flouncing in there with a grin and just walking back out with a drink. Although it certainly might put them off guard. Maybe long enough to slip in and out to get what he needed… It was worth a try, and he wasn't absolutely sure that they wouldn't just outright search for him anyway.
Sliding upwards again and feeling dizzy from the extreme emotional output from the previous night, Tony hobbled down the hall, then paused outside the kitchen, making himself take deep, measured breaths.
He went in.
As he expected, the whole team was there, even Thor, but not Fury (thank god). Clint, who had a particular aversion to chairs, perched warily on the counter, Natasha tensed up as she sat on a wooden stool, Thor looked up from handling something on the stove, his large frame filling half the kitchen, Steve leaned nonchalantly against an island in the center of the room and Bruce startled, rushing towards him, then pausing a few feet away. Tony could almost feel the bars he had put up in his eyes slide down when focusing on the only man in the room he could trust, and Bruce took that as an invitation. "Do you feel alright?" Bruce asked, looking him over protectively, and for once, Tony couldn't find anything snarky to say, so he settled with a hesitant, "I-yah, I'm, I'm alright." He moved, forward past Natasha and Clint and squeezing past Thor and he could feel five pairs of eyes following him intently.
"Why did you attempt to hurt yourself, my friend?" Thor rumbled, genuinely confused. Tony didn't know how to answer. He opened up the cabinet above the coffee maker and started to make a pot, and when the silence became too much he sighed and turned around. "Look, It' s just something some people do sometimes, and I shouldn't have made such a big fuss, " he began, trying not to tremble so much, "I'm sorry you had to see that. It's not your fault, and I should've, well, I don't know. There's only, It's just," He trailed off, confused to see the affronted look in Steve's eyes, and the partially hidden shock in Natasha's. Clint had his mouth open like he was about to say something but had forgotten what, which was strange for Tony, didn't they understand what he was trying to say? He poured the steaming hot coffee into his mug and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Well, you know, if that's all, I'll be going to the lab…" he tried, moving forward, cradling his cup, but Thor had turned his body completely, to block the way he was going, and Tony headed in the other direction when his massive friend refused to budge. But Clint hopped down, flipped over the island and stopped in the middle of the path, and when Tony passed by Captain America, he had his arm caught. Steve looked earnestly into his eyes, tightly gripping his shoulder, and Tony started to feel crowded. His breathing quickened and he tried to focus on keeping calm.
Hands surrounded him, holding him above the frigid water. With a pause, they shoved him in. The hands held him down as he floundered, fighting with all his strength…
"Don't touch me." Tony warned gruffly, but the leader ignored him, trying to convey something, he had no idea. All Tony knew was that he was crowded and surrounded, and that there were hands, and suddenly, he was back in the caves, with loud yelling in foreign languages, threats, blood in the air. He jerked away violently, and backed against a wall, arm across his chest to cover his arc reactor. And just as soon as his episode started, it ended, leaving him pressed against the wall, trembling, and looking panicked. Everyone looked startled, and confused, and the shame welled within him again. He had dropped the mug without realizing it, and it had shattered on the floor, the spilled coffee sure to stain. Steve was frozen in place, hand outreached towards him, Clint's eyes were wide with shock, Natasha just looked confused, Bruce looked uneasy, unsure, and Thor asked, "Are you alright, Man of Iron?" The words were garbled in Tony's ears, but he caught the look passed between the two assassins. "Tony? Can you hear us?" Clint asked him, but he didn't know how to respond, he just quivered, but eventually was able to bring himself to nod. "I'm fine; I just need to be alone." Tony choked out and rushed through a gap and out of the room.
Bruce watched with concern as he did so, but didn't follow, catching the feeling that his friend really meant what he said about needing some space. "What was that about?" Steve broke the silence. There was that look again, and Natasha sighed. "We think that there might have been a trigger when you touched him." She said, but Steve still looked confused. Clint stepped in to explain it further, "What probably happened just then was that Stark picked up something that gave him a flashback, probably from his time in Afghanistan."
"What happened in Afghanistan that was so bad? He looked pretty shook up, but there's nothing in his files that suggests such a reaction."
Bruce cleared his throat shyly, and everyone turned to him. "Tony hacks SHIELD all the time. I'm sure that if there was something there that he didn't want to be known, he would be able to get rid of all trails of it in only a couple of minutes."
"He can't just keep this all to himself!" Steve protested.
"The good captain is right, surely it cannot be healthy to suffer all of these things alone." Agreed Thor.
"We need to talk to him somehow."
Clint only snorted, "and look how well that turned off. He doesn't trust us, that's obvious, why would he want to talk? If we push too hard, he'll be lost."
Bruce glumly nodded, "He's probably locked himself in his lab right now, and there's a good chance he won't let anyone in."
"Maybe… Banner? He responded well to you last night…" Natasha suggested.
"Maybe. I don't know, he's still pretty upset." He ran his fingers through his hair and finally acquiesced, "I'll- I'll try, but I'm not sure he'll let me in." Bruce left the kitchen, turning down and climbing the stairs that led to the level that Tony had his lab on. When he had first arrived at Stark tower, he had quickly noticed how his host would disappear for long amounts of time, working tirelessly on a new idea for days straight, and he now knew that the Lab was Tony's sanctuary.
When he arrived, Bruce looked in, through the glass, and saw Tony slumped against a counter, tapping at a Stark-pad. Hesitantly, he gave a few raps on the wall, and Tony looked up. What Bruce saw was not promising. His friends, eyes were glassy and dull, and he looked lost, even though he purposefully monitored the building's structure, twisting the 3d diagram. "Tony? Can I come in?" he called but Tony seemed to be balancing what his response was and eventually answered, "No, go away. I-I can't hurt you, buddy. I'm better if I'm alone." The look on his face must've been disappointed, because Tony rushed to explain, "I can't be with anyone, I'm destructive and impulsive. I can't handle it all anymore, not anymore." He then dropped his face to study something on his jeans, twisting and picking at the fabric, and Bruce, seeing that he wasn't invited, sighed and walked away, turning back at the last moment, calling, "Tony, I'm coming back later. You know that we all just want to help you, right?" Tony didn't respond, and just went back to fiddling with the diagram. Bruce wearily made his way to the kitchen, then realized the others had gathered in the living room.
They looked up inquisitively, but he only shook his head slowly. "Should we tell Fury? I mean, Stark did try to, kill himself." Natasha asked.
"No!" Clint violently shot out, "You know what they'll do to him, they'll put him on constant watch or lock him up; I'm not doing that to Stark." Steve looked nervous at the suggestion that they go against authority, but he still nodded assertively.
"But I wouldn't be shocked if Tony tried to attempt again, from what I've heard, it seems as if this has happened several times. The whole point of the SHIELD program is to make sure he doesn't again. I agree, I don't trust Fury to handle this well, but we can't just leave Tony alone with his problems."
"Then we'll have to set up our own watch." Clint had a determined gleam in his eye as, one by one, they all agreed. Whatever happened, Tony wasn't going be alone. _
I hope you like, this is longer, and I could go more on it, but I feel confident so far. Remember, reviews make me happy, and quicker to write :)
