A/N: Hey guys!
Santana's call basically changes everything, so that's what this chapter revolves around. It gets pretty Quinn-centered at some point, but the next one should be more focused on Rachel. I'm sorry for taking a long time to write again, I'm pretty busy with school. Hope you like it :)
"Hello?" Quinn utters when she finally gets her phone.
"Quinn, thank God!" Santana's voice says on the other side. "I hate to ruin your rendezvous with Berry, but there's something I need you to tell her."
"This is not a rendezvous, Santana. What is it?"
The tiny brunette fumbles uncomfortably on her seat when she hears something about a rendezvous.
"Finn's on a train to New York as we speak." Santana reveals after a long pause.
"What?" Quinn exclaims, suddenly standing up from her chair and walking away from their table at the café, leaving Rachel curious about what was going on.
"You heard it."
"Isn't this a little too early to come back from boot camp in Georgia?"
"My thoughts exactly. I don't know if he's given up or what he's trying to do. All I know is he wants to surprise Rachel. Kurt wanted to tell her everything himself, but Finn made him promise not to do so."
Quinn remains silent for a couple of seconds, in absolute shock.
"…What am I supposed to do?" she finally asks, in a whisper.
"I would probably tell her."
"Santana, I can't!"
"This doesn't sound like the Quinn I know." Santana says. "Definitely nothing like the defiant Quinn who went against everything and everyone, including Rachel, to stop the Finchel wedding. But I guess I can't even say that because you took a step back and supported them when you realized she wasn't going to stop it because of you."
"Santana…?" Quinn interrupts, not sure where the Latina is taking their conversation, but certainly feeling every word hit her like a punch in the stomach.
"Look, what I'm saying is, now's the time to be the excruciatingly honest bitch that I know you are. If she's really surprised by him and doesn't have time to think, it can be worse."
"Wait, how long do you think he'll take to get here?"
"I'm not sure. Porcelain didn't tell me exactly when Finn got the train, but he said it was really early this morning and it takes about 18 hours, so he should be there soon."
"Oh my God. This is so stupid. Rachel seems so much better… Finn being here will only bring her down. I can't tell her."
"What are you really scared of, Quinn? Berry being brought down again or the possibility of her getting back together with Finn? Just stop being so selfish and tell her already."
"What are you in-"
"Listen, we don't have time to count the evidences of your huge lesbian crush on Rachel going on since God knows when. Starting with the real reason you're in New York right now. If you can't tell her about that, then at least tell her about Finn."
"What? I don-"
"Talk to you later."
"Don't-"
Santana hangs up before Quinn can stop her. The blonde sighs and puts her cellphone back in her pocket, unsuccessfully trying to control the overwhelming mixture of feelings taking over her mind. A familiar pain is starting to burn in the back of her throat and her head is beginning to boil with incessant thoughts about everything Santana said.
"We don't have time to count the evidences of your huge lesbian crush on Rachel going on since God knows when"...
She still remembers when the Latina told her to "stop making out with Berry" at prom, but this time she clearly wasn't joking. She wants to be defensive, she wants to contest all that in her mind and laugh about how messed up Santana's ideas are... But she doesn't.
What if Santana is right, though? What if she's always been right, all this time?
Quinn knows the truth. Or at least part of her knows it - the vulnerable, scared, emotional part of her that not many people know. She's never had the courage to admit it, not even to herself. But now Santana knows. And she just can't deny it anymore.
She has feelings for Rachel Berry.
Not only she has them, she's had them "since God knows when". Long before coming to New York, graduating, letting Rachel have the prom queen title, having the accident, opposing herself to the Finchel wedding and later deciding to support it in order to see Rachel happy, being convinced by the brunette to let Shelby have Beth, saying they were "kind of friends"… Maybe even before her punk phase and having Rachel ask her to come back; maybe even when she used to bully her and call her names and draw pornographic pictures on the bathroom walls... Maybe even when she first joined the Glee Club.
It's all a blur now. It's all a blur except for clear memories of chocolate brown eyes and pink lips and dark brown hair falling free on silk skin shoulders covered by polka dot dresses and wool sweaters or cardigans; and, of course, the most flawless voice she's ever heard, the only one that makes her shiver every time it sings.
Quinn catches herself smiling, but is soon reminded there's nothing to smile about. This is quite possibly the worst time for her to embrace her crush on Rachel. She doesn't stand a chance. The girl will probably get back together with Finn once he arrives and she'll just return to New Haven and pretend none of this ever happened. There's nothing left now. Nothing but the hard task of telling the girl that Finn is coming to New York. And that's what she's determined to do when she walks back to their table at the café. Except she doesn't.
"Rachel, I..."
"Quinn! God! Why did you take so long? Your latte is probably cold already!"
"I'm sorry, I..."
"Is everything okay? You look a little pale..."
"I... I'm fine. It's… Nothing."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah..."
"No, seriously, what's wrong? You know you can tell me."
"I told you, it's nothing."
Quinn appeals to her typical piercing glare in order to convince Rachel that nothing is going on. The brunette shifts her eyes away from it and stands up from her chair, handing the blonde her coffee. Quinn feels her cheeks burn when her fingers slightly touch Rachel's while she gets the plastic cup from the brunette's hands.
"Who was that on the phone?"
"Santana."
"What did she say?"
"She just wanted to tell me something about Joe... No big deal."
"If it's no big deal why do you seem so shaken up? I didn't realize you liked him this much…"
"I don't. I don't like him this much. He's nice, but I don't need a senior Jesus as a constant reminder of my past. And I really am fine. Can we just drop that and go home?" Quinn says, impatiently.
"Okay, you're the boss." Rachel rolls her eyes.
The two girls walk to the brunette's apartment in absolute silence, Quinn's head still echoing everything Santana said. Lying to Rachel feels so awful, yet she has no idea how the truth will come out of her mouth. Rachel, despite having agreed to stop asking, is still certain Quinn is hiding something about that phone call. The fact that her best friend doesn't seem to trust her enough to tell the truth is upsetting. She protests by not saying anything until they reach their destination.
To their surprise, seconds after Rachel opens the door, Quinn's phone starts to ring one more time.
"Is that Santana again?" Rachel asks, a little impatient, trying to peek a view of the screen.
"Yeah."
"Can I talk to her?"
"No!" Quinn blurts out, later realizing she should have given Rachel a smoother answer and attempting to fix that. "I mean, it's not a good idea, she's mad at me for not giving Joe a chance. And you know how Santana goes all…"
"Lima Heights, I know." the brunette completes, suspecting this is not really why her friend doesn't want her on the phone with Santana. "It's okay, you can get it."
Quinn does as she is told and, before she can even say "hello", Santana's voice is inquiring her.
"Have you told her yet?"
"Told what?" the blonde asks defensively before noticing the Latina is not talking about her feelings for Rachel, but about Finn being headed to New York. "Oh… No. I wanted to, but I told you, I can't."
"Quinn, I'm sorry I was rude to you before, but Rachel needs to know Finn is coming or God knows what will happen when he knocks on her door out of nowhere."
"I know. You're right, and you were right before as well. I'm scared of both the things you said. That's why I can't do it. Don't laugh."
"Both things I said? What do you mean? The huge lesbian crush?"
"Um, yeah…"
"God! I knew it! I just didn't think you'd admit it that easily." Santana cheers, later regaining seriousness. "But if you really like her I suggest you to focus on what should make her happy right now. Like I'm guessing you did when you finally decided to go to her wedding. I know it's hard, but try. She needs your help."
"I know. I'll try. I promise."
"And Quinn, one last thing."
"What?"
"Good luck."
"Thanks."
"On your lesbian crush, I mean."
"Don't say it out loud!"
"Bye, Q." Santana chuckles.
"Bye." Quinn whispers, with a thin smile on her face.
"Are you guys okay now?" Rachel asks when she sees Quinn put her phone away.
"Yeah, we're fine."
"Nice." The brunette comments, in a slightly wry tone.
"Look, I… I'm sorry." Quinn confesses, seeing through her friend's irritation.
"For what exactly?" Rachel asks, still a bit cynical.
"For lying to you. About the phone call." the blonde owns up, even now struggling with her will to do so.
"You still haven't told me the truth, Quinn."
"Yeah… I'm sorry, Rach..."
"Come on, I know you're sorry! Just tell me what's going on!"
"Okay..." Quinn sighs. "Finn's coming to New York."
"What?"
"Finn-"
"I heard it, Quinn! I just can't believe you were hiding that from me! You're supposed to be my best friend! How could you possibly know that and not say anything for hours?! God! I trusted you!" Rachel exclaims, shaking her head in disbelief; and before she knows, tears are streaming down her face uncontrollably.
"Rach... I tried..." Quinn whispers hesitantly, trying to approach the brunette to make her stop crying.
"Just don't do this, okay?" Rachel reacts, crisply, raising her hand out. "When is he coming?"
"In a few hours now, I think."
"What else do you know about this? What does he want?"
"He wants to surprise you. Kurt knows and was going to tell you, but Finn made him promise not to."
"You see, Kurt was going to tell me! Because he's a good friend, unlike a certain somebody who took hours to do so!"
"Rachel, can you just stop this?! I tried! I did! Do you think it's easy? Do you think it's easy to see you happy after such a long time and then have to ruin this because of Finn?" Quinn bursts.
"I don't care if it's easy or not! This is about me! It's my right to know! I would've told you-" Rachel yells fervently.
"Maybe you would've told me right away, Rachel. But in case you haven't noticed I'm not you. If there is one thing that I am not, it's you."
"Is this supposed to be an insult?" the brunette frowns.
"Take it as you want. I'm leaving. Have a good time with Finn." Quinn says, categorically, walking to the apartment door in quick, determined steps.
"Quinn, no! Please don't leave, I'm..."
Rachel's pleading, accompanied by a desperate attempt to follow the blonde and stop her from leaving, is muffled by the door being shut right in front of her.
Quinn's eyes are sore and filled with tears that she's convinced not to let out. She strides toward the elevator, presses the down button and waits impatiently for it to arrive, feeling an overwhelming weight on her shoulders, a deepening pain in her throat and the urgent need to be someplace else where she can break down. She doesn't want to leave, but a stronger part of her is desperate to go. Rachel clearly doesn't want her there anymore; she's ruined everything…
When the elevator finally reaches Rachel's floor, Quinn rushes into it. She presses the ground level button with aggressiveness and strongly hits the wall with her back by accident while trying to lean her body against it.
"Fuck!" she shouts through the lump in her throat, completely taken by a growing frustration. "I hate you! Fuck you! Fuck you!"
Somewhere along the cursing, her voice falters and tears start running down her cheeks wildly. Absolute sadness, previously disguised by anger, is all over her face. Her head now burns with pain. She buries her face in her hands and crumbles in silence, except for occasional smothered crying sounds.
Quinn obviously doesn't hate Rachel. She can't even pretend she does anymore. Not now that she'd gotten so close… Even though they are getting further and further at each second now.
If only she hadn't left... If only Rachel would understand… So many "if only"s, yet so little hope…
Sooner than expected, the elevator stops. Quinn lifts her face up in surprise and tries to pull herself together, without much success. The doors open slowly, revealing the image of the last person she would like to see right now.
The awkwardly tall figure of Finn Hudson analyses her with his tiny eyes in sheer perplexity.
"Quinn?"
"Hi Finn." she answers in a cold and distant voice, hoarse from all the crying and yelling. Her hazel eyes pierce his, still unquestionably intimidating in spite of being all teary. Finn notices her water-filled eyes, though, and wonders if she's been crying. When he's finally brought back from his thoughts, Quinn is already walking past him, trying to show as much composure as possible.
"Wait! You're just going to leave like that and not even talk to me? Like we weren't even friends?" Finn asks, turning his head to look at her.
"We haven't been friends for a long time, Finn, if you don't remember." Quinn answers harshly, looking back at him.
"What…? Why are you crying? And why are you even here?" he frowns, still confused.
"It's none of your business." she replies, turning her back to him again and opening the front door to the street. "Good luck with Rachel, by the way."
As she feels the cold wind blow on her face, the sun completely gone by now, she rushes to the nearest train station, hoping her ticket back to New Haven can be re-scheduled for today.
