x
I woke up this morning doing that thing I have always done for more years than I can remember, reaching for you in the space beside me.
It's instinctive, I can't help it.
I was confused for a few minutes, wondering were you had gone and was I missing practice and then I remembered, we aren't in Ohio anymore.
My head hurts and to be honest I'm feeling quite weak. I guess that's what I get for drinking on an empty stomach. Who am I kidding, I have always felt like this after I drink but the difference back then was you!
You would always wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed, ice cold bottle of water and two pain killers in your hands but that was never my cure. My real cure was snuggling into you and watching Jessica and Elizabeth duking it out in the Sunshine state.
I never realised how much of a loner I was until I met you.
But it was my own fault. But I did that to myself, with my walls and my rules and my arms waving, pushing, constantly pushing, testing and wary. I guess I thought if nobody knew me no one would see. I tricked myself into thinking I was happy to go it alone. That I was happy the house was always empty and my parents where never home and I could do as I pleased.
It was simple.
If you don't give then there's no disappointment or expectations when it's not returned.
I thought it was easier, but then you came along and you showed me how wrong I was and what I was missing. You made me realise that alone had turned into lonely. You took my hand and guided me and helped me find my voice.
In one way I feel like you ruined me yet I am so happy that you did, that you took the time that you never gave up, even when everyone else did. That you saw me for who I truly am and parts of me I could not even see myself.
You understood it all.
Being here so far away from you I feel like I have lost a limb. You know like Arizona in Grey's she lost her leg but she can still feel it even though its never coming back.
That's how I feel about you, (not that you're a missing leg cause that's just gross) that you're there but you're not really there.
I'm scared it wont be the same.
In fact, I know it will never be the same.
I'm drowning Britt.
I'm scared.
I'm lonely and I'm afraid it will always be this way.
God …Now I'm crying. . Whiskey always make me sooo Emo!
I really thought if I stayed away from Jack I wouldn't get like this. I guess Jim, with his missing teeth, is just as bad!.
Ps .. If you ever wondered where your fave hoodie went.. Its keeping me company.
