hi guys. so i have another update for you guys. so i'm guessing you guys dnt mind if this is betaed or not because there wasnt a comment about it. but if you do, i will say sorry before hand for bad grammer or incorrect spelling. im trying to get all my stories written and up before Aug,because im afraid i wont have time with everything that will be going on so im trying to work at it, but you know...

i like chp. if you haven guessed by now, i like writing drama scenes better than anything else. i know what it is, but there's something about them that gets me excited to write them. maybe because i secretly get tired of reading where everything is keeps talking about him a break guys, he just got out of jail. (she says jokingly.)

anyways, im talking too much again. chp 8, enjoy.


6. Pain Killer

* Flash back*

Life was not going well for me right now. Actually, I think it would be a safe bet to say it was pretty much sucking.

Nothing was going the way it was supports to right now. For one, I was on academic promotion. I was in danger of failing and losing my scholarship. Back in high school, went I applied for college, I applied for an English scholarship and I got it. The thing was I have to keep a B average to keep it. But recently, I've been getting nothing but C's and a few D's. The last B I got was months ago. I don't even remember what the hell assignment it was even for.

I've been trying to do better, but I've mind been a tad bit lost this pass few weeks. Plus, I'm having a hard time concentrating. It's like when I try to listen to the lesson, my mind goes blank and I can't remember anything that was just said or understand anything that I just wrote. I have no idea why this is happening.

But the fact that's my mind been busy thinking about other things isn't completely my fault. If there was someone to blame, I would like to blame Edward, but I couldn't find it in my heart to do so. It was because I know in my heart I was doing the right thing by visiting him as much as I could. But right after or before, I have to study for something. Then when I sat down to read or look over my notes, I started to worry and stress about Edward. I couldn't help my mind from drafting to him every minute or two.

Which brings me to the cherry on top of my fucked-up sundae. I was alone. I have no one to help through everything. My mom was dating a new guy, Phil Dwyer. I really like him, he's a cool guy and he's good to my mom. He might be a little younger than she needs but who was I to judge about the age difference in relationships. The thing was that he kind of took up all her time. He was a retire baseball player and was now a baseball coach at my old high school. He had enough money from both jobs, so he could afforded to spoil her, which is exactly what he did and that keeps them running around almost every other week. So I didn't get to talk to her as much as I wanted to. Plus when I did and mentioned Edward, she says something to piss me off and make regret dialing her number.

My two best friends were gone as well. Alice was on a fashion scholarship. And because of it, she was sending a semester in Paris. Right now that's where she was. She had classes with me before she left and when she comes back, she has to take a few more classes and then within a month, she will be back in classes with me. I couldn't wait for that because I needed my best friend. I couldn't talk to her on the phone because I keep forgetting the time difference and I'm too lazy to keep track. Guess that's my own fault through.

My other so called best friend was gone too. Mister Jacob Black thought it was a good idea to leave me after he graduated high school. His girlfriend got accepted to some college in California. So being on as tight a leash he's on, he followed. I understood that, I really hate that he wasn't here, but I understood it. He calls every once in a while but it's not the same.

But I still have Jasper and Emmett, right? Hell no. Emmett and Rosalie found out the truth about Edward and I and they stop talking to me. Jasper followed his sister. He told me sorry, but he had to be with his family. Understood that, doesn't mean the shit didn't hurt. And Emmett, well Emmett was the same as Jacob, being on a tight ass leash that if they stepped out of line, the girl would be right behind them to hit them on the back of the head. It seems like that's the source of all my problems, people following others. So I repeat, I had no one.

So that was the list of my problems and why it seem like I was always so damn stressed all the fucking time. At times I feel like pulling out my hair. But then I look at the big pile of bull shit in front of me and realized that stressing isn't doing me any kind of good. Which doesn't do anything but make me stress out more.

I shook my head, trying to get the thoughts out of my head. I couldn't think of that stuff right now. I was supposes to be focus on something, but I forgot what.

I looked down at the piece of paper in front of me. I turned to the front page to see the word 'Exam' in bold on it. That's right I was taking a test. Damn it, I must've blanked out again. I have to stop doing that. I have no idea why it's been happening so much lately.

I turned back to the page I was on and looked. As I looked down, I tried to find the answers to the questions in front of me, but nothing was coming up. I remember taking notes on this. I remember studying as well. I even remember taking them with me when I visited Edward so he could help me study, and he did; at least I thought he did. But now nothing I studied before was coming up.

I felt my hand shaking as I put my fingers in my mouth to bit my nails. I needed to pass this test. If I get one more C, I can pretty kiss my college years good bye. I closed eyes to try and come up with something. Nothing was coming. I groaned. Damn it, I cannot afford to fail. I wish my brain would come up with something.

Then I felt my feet and hands get numb. I tried to shake them so some blood would flow to them, but nothing was happening. I stopped and looked at the test again. Still nothing. I was going to fail and there was nothing I could do about it. I rested my elbows on the top of the table and place my head in my hands and shook it.

There nothing I could do; I was going to fail out of college; my best friends would love where they are and never come back to me; my mom would forget she has a child; and when my boyfriend gets out, he will see what a fool he was for falling for me and leave. Oh my god, my world was falling apart. It was crashing into a thousand pieces and there was not a damn thing I could do.

I felt my palms get moisten from the sweat that dipped from my forehead. What was I going to do, what was I going to do? God, my life fucking sucks. Why the hell can't I do anything correctly?

I started hearing my breathing getting heavy and fast. Then I start to feel the thumping of my heart against my chest. Man, this stress is making my heart race.

I placed my hand over my heart and tried to slow my breathing. But it wasn't working. In fact, I think it made it worst. I started getting dizzy. I felt like I've been spinning in circles like when I was a child and I would put on one of my long skirts and spin to see the bottom go up like one of those Spanish dancers I saw on TV. I would spin and spin until I fell on the floor. One time I threw up and my mom told me not to do that anymore. I felt like that now; like I was about to throw-up.

I released my hands from my head and leaned back in my seat. The room was spinning. Did I spin around? I started to rock slightly. I was lightheaded. And I couldn't get my breathing under control.

"Bella, are you okay?" one of my classmates said in my ear. I tried to nod, but couldn't.

"I can't breathe." I said softly.

"Is there something you would like to share with the class, Miss Swan?" my professor said.

"I can't breathe." I said again.

"She's sweating; She doesn't look too good." I heard some people saying.

"The room is spinning." I said. "I can't breathe." I repeated. My breathing got heavier. The last thing I heard was I gasp, before I closed my eyes and let the darkness take over me.

XXX

What happen to me? I closed my eyes and I don't remember much after that. the most I remember was this dream I had. Well, I wouldn't call it a dream since I wasn't a sleep; more like a vision. It had Edward in it. That wasn't so weird since most of my dreams now had him in it. It was the only time he was with me. but usually of us never getting caught or something. This time, Edward was escaping.

He told me he did it to be with me. I told him he had to go back before he got caught. He told me couldn't because he couldn't stand the thought of being away from me anymore. Then he pressed his lips against mine. The most real feeling I had in all my dreams (or visions, rather.) but then I told him I would run with him. one might think I would be tired of running, but I wasn't. I would run with him forever if it meant we could be together.

Then, like the dream I had so long ago, I heard gun shots. Then what I saw, made my heart stop. his chest had a hole in it and he was bleeding all over the place.

"Oh my god, Edward." I exclaimed as I tried to sit up, but something was connected to my arm slammed me to back to the bed. "Ouch." I said out loud as I rubbed the back of my head where it came in contact the wrong way with the bed.

"Bella, are you okay?" I heard someone say in concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I responded to the person I didn't know who asked. My eyes were still closed so I don't know who was talking to me. but the voice sounded familiar. I heard it before. It sounded like the only voice I wanted to hear. "Edward?" I questioned as I slowly opened my eyes. I saw the familiar brown eyes but it wasn't him.

He chuckled. "Close." He said with a smile.

"Carlisle?" I asked in confused.

He nodded. "How are you feeling?" he asked with a serious now.

"A little lightheaded." I said honestly.

"That's to be expected." He said.

"Where am I?" I asked. I propped myself on my elbows and looked around. I saw white walls. I heard a beeping in my ear. I turned to it to see a machine measuring my heart rate. I looked to the other side of me to see and IV that was connected to my arm. That must be what yanked me down. I looked to the front of me. My door was open so I saw people in hospital gowns, white coats and scrubs walking pass. "I'm in the hospital?" I asked as I laid back down. I looked at him to see him nodding. "Why?"

"One of your classmates called and we brought you here. You passed out during one of your exams." He explained looking at my chart, I guess.

"Passed out?" I questioned.

He nodded. He looked up at me from the chart. "Bella, can I ask you something?" he asked.

"Sure." I shrugged.

"Do you remember what you experience before you blacked out?" he asked.

I looked at the ceiling to think about it. "I was sweating, dizzy, I felt lightheaded. My hands and feet were kind of numb, I guess. I remember having a hard time breathing." I told him everything I could recall.

I looked at him to see him writing and nodding. "I had a feeling that was it." He said like he figured something out.

"What?" I asked.

He looked up at me. "Bella, you didn't just pass out from lack of sleep or something. You had an anxiety attack." He told.

I looked at him confused. "An anxiety attack?" I questioned.

He nodded. "It's something that happens when a person is overly stressed for an extend amount of time." He sat on the side of my bed. "Bella, sweetheart, have you been stress a lot lately?" he asked.

I sighed. "Yeah, I guess."

He nodded. "I see. Well, I'm going to help you get it in order so this doesn't happen to you again. Wait here and I'm going to talk to the nurse that brought you in."

"Where am I going to go?" I mumbled.

He chuckled. "I'll be right back." He said as he got off my bed and walked out.

About an hour later, he came back in with a small bottle in his hand. "What's that?" I asked with a crooked eyebrow as Carlisle walked back over to my bedside.

He held the chart under his arm and held up the small bottle in his other hand. "This is for you." He said handing the bottle to me. "Start by taking two every day, one in the morning and one at night, for about four to five weeks. When you feel you don't need them anymore, come talk to me. If I think it's a good idea, you can cut it down to about once a week. Come again, and then I will tell you if you take them only when needed." He ordered. I nodded to everything he was telling me, locking it deep in my memory. I looked at it, and saw what it said.

"I'm crazy now, great." I mumbled.

"You're not crazy." He said.

"I sure feel crazy." I said as I eyed the bottle.

"Don't be silly, Bella. Everyone has anxiety and everyone handles it differently. Some people just get overwhelmed by it. It doesn't make you crazy." He said to make me feel better. It didn't work.

I just shrugged. "I guess."

"How is she doing?" I heard someone say. I didn't look away from the bottle to see. I didn't really care. I figure it was a male nurse or another doctor or something.

"Ask her yourself." Carlisle said. Then he looked at me. "Feel like having company?" he asked.

I sighed and placed the bottle next to me then shrugged. "Why not?" I said figuring it have been the nurse that brought me in, or maybe my mom and Phil.

"Okay. You guys can come in now." he said to the person the door. I looked at it and saw Jasper come in; followed by Emmett pulling Rosalie.

"What the hell are they doing here?" I snapped, but asking Carlisle, popping up again; more carefully this time so I wouldn't be yanked down.

"They wanted to see if you were okay." he said.

"Well, I'm fine so tell them to leave." I said to him, looking away from them.

"Fine by me." Rosalie said as she started for the door. She didn't get far because Emmett held on to her hand.

"Bells, we care about you." Emmett said.

"You sure as hell have a funny way showing it." I snapped.

"I probably should step out." Carlisle said before leaving me in the room with them. We haven't talked in a year, almost two, and I was fine with that. At first I was upset and try to talk to them, but they never answered my calls. So I figured I didn't have to have them. Yeah, I wanted them, but I didn't need them. So I was fine not talking to them. But most important, I didn't want our first time to be because I was in a hospital bed. I would feel as if it scarred my pride in some way.

"Why the hell are we here?" Rosalie asked her brother and now husband.

"For once, I agree with her. I don't want you guys here any more than you want to be here. So do me a favor and get the hell out." I snapped again.

Rosalie started for the door again. Again Emmett held her. "We're not leaving you Bella." Jasper said to me. I rolled my eyes as I laid on my side to not face them. Then I felt a weight on my bed. I didn't turn to it. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. "Bella, I think we should talk."

"I don't want to talk you. Get out." I snapped.

"Bella."

"Jasper, just leave me the hell alone."

"Bella, we do care and we do want to see how you are." Emmett tried to convince me.

"Emmett, if you guys really cared, you wouldn't shut me out for two years. And you would have waited until I was in a damn hospital bed because an anxious attack to think that was a good time to come talk to me. Now get the hell out."

"That's what we want to talk about." Jasper said.

I turned slightly to them. "What took you guys so long to talk to me?" I challenged in a softer voice.

"Rosalie." Emmett said. she rolled her eyes. Figured that was it.

"Plus, we didn't know what to say. We miss you and we think it's been too long."

I looked from Jasper to Emmett and back. I sighed as I fixed myself to sit up and lean against the wall behind me. "Fine…talk."

*End of Flashback*

That was the day that Emmett, Jasper and I began friends again. But it was a reason I kept that day from Edward. This was why. I didn't know how he would react to it. Maybe like he's acting now.

"Bella, what the hell is this?" Edward said more slowly; bring me back to the past. I shook my head to get the memory away so I could focus on what was happening now. I blinked a few time before looking at him. I looked at the bottle in his hand.

"Those aren't your razors." I said.

"I know that." he said.

I wanted to roll my eyes. I said more for me than him. But I'm sure he didn't know that. "Where did you find those?" I asked.

"Next time you want to hide something from me, maybe you keep it in the fucking medicine cabinet." He said.

"But they were in the back, behind everything." I said.

"I still wouldn't call that the best damn hiding place." He replied.

I got what he was saying, but the thing was I put them there for a reason. The reason being I knew nothing he would need would ever be that far back in the cabinet, so it was the perfect place to hide them but still keeping them in arms reach when I needed them. No one would be able to find the bottle unless they were either looking for it. I could help but get the feeling that what he was doing. I felt my space being invaded. Because of that, I felt myself getting more angry than sorry.

"You couldn't have seen them unless you were looking for them." I said out loud what I was thinking. I looked at him then stormed into the bathroom. I looked in the medicine cabinet and grabbed what he was suppose to have. "This is what you were looking for." I snapped and pushed the pack of razors into his chest.

He caught them before them fell. "That's not the damn point I'm trying to make. The point is that I fucking found them, not how I found them." he said back as he tossed the pack of razors in the sink.

"That is the point Edward, because means you were going through my things." I said.

"Okay firstly, I wouldn't say it's your things, it was in the fucking medicine cabinet in the fucking bathroom. And second, you haven't answered the damn question, which was what the hell is this?" he asked holding the bottle to me.

"You need to stop swearing at me." I told him. I was going to tell him anything if he kept sending curse words all over the place. I get that's his new thing, but I don't even answer my mom when she swears that much. Usually when someone curses more than twice at me and I didn't start it, I get up and walk away. I don't know why I was still here talking to him. I should've walked away a long time ago.

"I will when you explain to me what the hell this is." he snapped. Was he trying to compromise with me? I don't compromise. That's for someone who gives a shit about what the fight was about; I didn't. He didn't have a right to get as mad as he did when he didn't even know what they were for. He jumped to conclusions. I never confirmed it. I didn't decline it so that probably made it worst. But if he would've asked me correctly, I probably would have told him. But right now, I could care less about this.

"I don't feel I have." I said as I snatched the bottle out of his hand and started to walk away from him.

"So, you are not going to explain that to me?" I heard him from me.

"I don't have to explain shit to you. You're not fucking in charge of me." I reminded him.

"Now who needs to stop swearing?" I heard him mumbled.

"Whatever, Edward, my point is you're not my father so I don't have to explain myself to you." I told him.

"I'm not your father, are you fucking serious? You have this crazy idea that I'm trying to be. I'm not; I'm just trying to look after you." He said.

I snorted and stopped. I turned to him. "As if I need it. News flash Edward, I'm not two; I don't need you to hold my hand. When are you going to get that?" I asked then turned away from him. I started walking towards the stairs.

"You sure as hell act two." He said before I could go down the first step.

I stopped and turned to him. "And what the hell does that mean?"

"Let's be honest, Bella, you do some pretty stupid shit sometimes." He said.

I folded my arms in an insulted stance. "Like what?" I challenged.

"Exhibit A." he said as he snatched the bottle out of my hand and show it to me.

I took it back out his hand to show him. "In case you forgot how to read, it says 'Prescribe to Isabella Swan.' And in cause you forgot, I'm Isabella Swan. So if anyone is act stupid about this is you. You're the one snapping about something you know nothing about." I told him.

"Then why don't you tell me?" he asked

"Because, Edward you don't need to know about every tiny thing."

"Tiny? Bella, that's not fucking tiny. You're taking drugs." He said, cutting me short.

I rolled my eyes. "Stop being so dramatic; they're prescription. It's not like I got them from some shady drug dealer in a dark ally or something." I said as I turned away from him. I started walking away from him again Another case of someone who's out of the loop thinking they know more about the damn situation than the person who's actually in the loop. "Either way, I don't want to tell you, so it doesn't matter." I said.

"Yes it does." He grabbed my wrist and turned me to him. I looked at his hand then at him. Was he going to force me to talk to him?

"Let me go." I said in a dead serious tone.

"Are you going to fucking talk to me?" he asked.

"No."

"Then no."

I looked as his hand again as his grip slightly tightened. "Edward, let me go or I swear to God it will be the last time ever you touch me." I threaten in a face that said I was serious as a heart attack and a voice to match.

He promised me he would never do anything like that. I know it was years ago, but I still remember if as if he tells me everyday. I don't care how much I loved him, if he let his angry get the better of him and broke that promise, I was going to leave and never look back.

He looked at me like he was thinking about if he should or not. Then I felt my wrist be freed from him grasp.

I started walking away from him again. "Bella, would you stop fucking walking away from me? That's why I grabbed you." He said behind me. So he knew what he was doing before he did it; interesting.

"Edward, why the hell does it matter?" I snapped, getting back to the main point. I actually wanted to get away from him after that and no longer talk about anything.

"Because that shit was in my house and I would like to know why."

I gave a dark chuckle. "Your house? please; you don't pay anything here. It's more like my house." I said.

"You seriously just fucking went there? Okay, then. It's more like my dad's house if we're playing that damn game." He shot back.

"Bottom line, it's not yours. This hasn't been your house for three years." I reminded him. I was at the base now. I don't know where I was going; I just needed to get away from him. which wasn't working since he was following me anyways.

"Well, it still would be if it wasn't for…" he stopped in mid-sentence. That made me stop too because I think I knew what he was going to say.

I slowly turned and glare at him. He was frozen in his place. "If it wasn't for what?" I said. I slowly walked towards him.

He shook his head. "Nothing. Forget it."

"No, go ahead, Edward, finish it."

He breathed hard. "Bella, just leave it alone. It doesn't matter." He said through his teeth in a warning voice, hinting that I wouldn't like what he had to say. But I didn't find in me to care.

"Oh now why would I do that?" I asked in an upset tone, telling he wasn't getting let off that easily. "You had no problem saying a moment ago, so say it now. This would this be your house if it wasn't for what?" he closed his eyes placed his hands over his face and took a deep breath, as if trying to breathe out his angry. "Finish the damn statement, Edward." I yelled at him. "If it wasn't for what; If it wasn't for me?" I asked, already thinking I knew the answer.

He moved his hands to his hair, but didn't open his eyes to look at me. "I didn't say that." he said.

"Were you about to?" I asked. He shook his head. "Yes you were. So say it." I challenged him. he looked away. I felt hot tears roll down my face. "Why are you trying to save my feeling now?" I challenged again. "Weren't you just thinking that a few seconds ago?"

He opened his eyes and looked at me. "Bella, you're the one who started it with all this 'this is my house' shit." He snapped. "And you know damn well that is not the point of the fucking argument." He reminded me.

"No the point is we hurt each other when we're pissed, now. Oh yeah, that's fair." I said sarcastically as more and more tear ran down my face.

"You get to hurt my pride, but I say something; it's fucking World War III. Yeah, that's what fair." He snapped back in same way.

I shook my head wildly. "Edward, that not the same. What I'm hearing that you're blaming me for you being sent away. Is that what you're doing? Is that what you did? Did-did you blame me?" I said hardly getting the words out. He still said nothing as he looked at the wall. I closed my eyes as the tears rolled down. "Edward, answer me." I opened my eyes. "Did you blame me?" I asked again.

He looked at me. "Fine, you want to hear it so badly, I'll tell you. Yes, yes I did. my first year in that hell hole, all that came to my mind was that I wouldn't be in there if you didn't kiss me; if you didn't let your friend push you into my room and talk to me and make me admit my feelings; and you didn't think it was a good idea to try and seduce your teacher. Yes, I had inappropriate thoughts, but you were the one that just had to make them come to light. There I said. Does me saying any of that makes you any happier?" he said in an angry voice.

Now I knew the tears were coming down. "Oh my god, you bastard!" I yelled as I pushed him away from me as hard as I could. I successfully made some space between us, but the few inches he stumbled back wasn't enough for me. "I can't believe that you just said that." I said in a cry.

"You wanted to hear it." He said in a voice that said he didn't care. That made more tears come down.

"I didn't think you would actually say all that, you jackass." I snapped at him. I backed away from him. I couldn't be near him. Even the space that was between us was still too close. I walked over to the coffee table.

"Now where the hell are you going?" he asked me.

"Why do you care, I'm just the stupid teenage girl who ruin your life, remember?" I yelled angrily through my tears as grabbed my phone and the car keys before I walked to the door.

"That's not what I meant." he yelled back.

"Yes it was and you know it." I said as I put on my jacket.

"Bella, that's your problem. You have a problem and instead of dealing with it, you run and find the easiest way out you can." he said as I walked towards the front door. I turned and looked at him. "Tell me I'm wrong." He challenged.

I shook my head. "Screw you, Edward." I said to him right before I walked out the door, slamming it behind me.

XXX

I sat in the car crying. I don't know how long I sat there since everything was off and I had no track of time. But after a while, I started the car and started to drive somewhere. I didn't know where to go, but I just knew I had to get out of the drive way before he saw the car still there and came out to talk to me.

So I drove. I learned when there's something to much to handle, I try walking away if I can. So, yeah he was right, but I would never tell him. And when something happens in the house, no where in the house seem to big enough space from the person. So I drive until I knew longer feel the pull on me anymore. Sometimes, it was blocks; other times it was miles.

It seem like this was the one of the times where it was going to be miles.

I really didn't know where I was going, but somehow I ended up at the park my dad use to take me to when I was no than seven or eight. I found myself going there a lot when he left and more when he died.

The parking lot was empty since it was sometime after nine. I picked the space closest to the park itself so I wouldn't have too far to walk. I got out and dug my hands in my pockets as I walked to the merry-go-round. Ironic that I would sit somewhere with the word 'merry' in it when I'm upset about something.

I sat there and slightly turned myself with my foot on the ground. It was the only way to turn yourself without getting up. Then you would have to spin it then risk bursting your chin when you try and jump on it. The only way I knew that because I actually tried it when I was younger. I remember getting stitches in my chin.

I also when remember how my dad uses to spin me on this and I would beg him to go faster when I was already going pretty fast. I threw up on his shirt. When we got home, my mom yelled at him and told him I wasn't suppose to be spinning like that because I get sick. That was before their many fights so he just chuckled and told her she was over reacting.

Even though, I was border line hating him before he dies, I didn't hate him when he did so I missed him sometimes. I wonder what he would think about this whole Edward thing. I use to wonder if he would have tried to get Edward out when he saw how much we love each other or would he be right there to put the handcuffs on? If my dad was here and tried to get him out, it would've saved us the fight we just had.

Thinking of that brought tears to my eyes.

I couldn't believe he said that; any of that. Was he really just saying what he thought I wanted to hear or did he really think that? Did he really blame me? I can't tell someone how many times I asked myself that as I drove and cried.

I always had a feeling he did. And why shouldn't he? I never understood why he didn't, I mean it was like the Forks High student body or his sister had a problem blaming me for something that was clearly my fault. Maybe he didn't want to add salt to my already stringing wounds. Then why say it now? It's not like that's the right thing to say to someone when you use found out they were, as he puts it, "taking drugs".

I took out the bottle from my pocket to look at it and twirled it in my hand. I wonder if I was trying to find some kind of answer on the label. All I kept see was my name and the kind of drug it was; maybe that's why he freaked out like he did. I hated these damn things. They were the reason we fought. I knew they would be trouble but Carlisle said I had to take them because if I didn't, I would have more anxious attacks. 'Cause, apparently a lot of things like to screw me over.

I noticed my hand was having a hard time holding on to the bottle because it was shaking. I closed my eyes and sat like I sat on the bedroom floor on his first night and tried to breathe deeply so it would stop. I opened my eyes and looked at my hand. It was still shaking. The yoga breathing was something Carlisle told me to do when I feel stressed and see myself shaking. Most of the time, it works; but there are times when it doesn't like now. The only reason it didn't because I wasn't clearing my mind. It only works when I get rid of all the negative thoughts that caused me to shaking in the first place.

I couldn't clear my mind this time though. I was still stressing. He says when that fails, take a pill. The pills were only a last result.

I looked at the bottle in my hand. I didn't want to take one. Some part of me was telling that if I took one, I was proving Edward right in the fact that I was weak and stupid. Okay, he didn't call me weak, but it was implied when he said he was looking after me.

As if I was completely clueless without him holding my hand and guiding me like my brain didn't work all. What the hell did he think I was doing while he was gone, sitting in a white room with padded walls and a jacket where I couldn't move my arms?

I looked at the bottle. Does this answer my question? I wouldn't have to take these damn things if he didn't leave me. Why did he think that was a good idea? Oh right, it wasn't his choice. It was my fault he had to go. I sighed. Then my sigh turned to heavy breathing.

Okay, okay; I'm taking one. Just stop freaking out. I told my body, hoping it would send the message to my hands. They stop shaking enough to take off the top. I poured a small and white and green pills in my hand and popped them in my mouth. I know this would work better with water, but I didn't have any. So I choked them down, dry.

I sat there until I felt them start to work. My breathing when back to normal and my body was no longer shaking. I felt relaxed.

I got of the merry-go-round and walked back to the car. I didn't want to be here anymore because it didn't help like I thought it would. I knew I just wanted to talk to someone. I didn't care who it was, I just wanted to hear someone else opinion on this. I drove to the person who was closest to where I was.

When I got there, I had to ring his bell for him to open the door.

"Yeah?" his voice came through the speaker.

"Open the door." Was all I said.

"Bella? What are you doing here?" he asked. I rolled my eyes.

"I'll tell you when I come up. Can you open the door please?" I waited when there was silence afterwards. Then the open buzzed, telling me it was opened. I opened and jogged up the stairs to his floor.

He was waiting at the top by his door by the time I got up there. I walked over to him and hugged him around the waist. He was surprised at first before he hugged me back.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

I shook my head. "I have to talk someone." I told him.

"Okay, let's go inside so it won't be heard all over my floor." He suggested. I nodded. I removed myself from him and walked into his apartment. I walked over to his couch and flopped on it. I rested my head on the cushion behind me and placed my arms over my eyes. "You want something to drink?" he asked after he closed his door.

"Water, please." I mumbled. I heard him walk away then the facet run, then him walking back into the living room. I removed my arm when I heard he was close. He put the glass in my open palm that was held out. "Thanks, Jasper." I said before I started to drink.

"Anytime." He said as he sat in the only other chair in the room. "Bella have you been crying?" he asked. He must just now notice my sure tear stained cheeks and red eyes. I pulled the glass away to give a nod before drinking again. My throat was dry. "Is that what you need to talk about?"

I nodded as I put my glass on the small coffee table. I looked at him. His face was telling me he was waiting. I sighed and leaned back again. "Edward and I had a fight." I told him as I looked at the ceiling.

"What, the poster children for the perfect couple had a fight?" he said with a tease voice.

I gave a small, very small, chuckle. "Jasper, you of all people should know that your brother and I are far from the perfect couple." I told him. No one knew that we started our relationship with a fight. I'm not even sure if I told Alice that. I kind of like it when they saw us all happy and smiles and no fighting. Too bad that wasn't always the case.

"Right." He said. I shrugged. "So what did you guys fight about?" he asked. I sighed again as I reached in my pocket and pulled out the small bottle again.

"This." I said as I tossed it to him then leaned back.

"Your anxious pills?" he asked after a moment. I nodded. "What's wrong with these?" he asked.

"Read what kind of drug it is." I told him in a tired voice.

"Prozac?" he questioned. I nodded again. "So…I still don't get why you guys fought." He said as I heard him sat the bottle on the table.

I sighed again as I looked at him. "He saw the bottle and freaked out. I got mad that he got mad, and it just happened." I told him the gist of the fight.

"Why he freak out?" he asked.

I sighed again. "I don't know, Jazz. He's your crazy ass brother, you tell me. He probably thought I would overdose on them or something."

"You've been taking them for three years, why would he think that? Unless…" he stopped and looked at me. I looked away from him for I knew what he was thinking. "You never told him." He concluded.

I looked at them. "Could you blame me? You know as well as I do, he doesn't like to hear about things that he can't fix. He goes into dad mode when he does." I told him, trying to defend myself and my reason for never telling him.

"Bella, you can't expect him not to be mad when you were hiding something like that. Drugs are serious. Even medical ones." He pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. "Jeez, you sound like him. And he would've gotten worried about nothing. I thought it was better if he didn't know."

"And how did that work out for you?" he asked with a crooked eyebrow, telling me he knew the answer. I shook my head and looked away from him again. "But I guess I can understand why you didn't. He does go a little over board trying to fix the unfixable." he said. That made me look at him again.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, he's not like that with just you. He's like that with everyone. He thinks he knows was best for everybody, but it's only because he cares. And if he thinks he can stop things before it hurts the ones he loves, he will do anything in his power to do so." He explained.

"But when is he going to get that people can make they own decisions and if we fail, he just going to have to deal with it?" I asked, really annoyed by the fact that he does this all the time.

Jasper chuckled at me. Something told me he was hiding something. I looked at him with a confused face as if to ask why was he laughing? "Bella, has Edward ever told you what happened when Emmett and Rosalie first started dating?" he asked.

I shook my head. "He just told me that they started dating sometime when they were in high school, why?"

"Because it has a lot to do with what we're talking about. I'm sure he told you when our mother died, him and Emmett started hanging out with Rosalie and me more." I nodded. "Good, this will be an easy story. Well, Emmett saw how Rosalie acting to everyone. She was snappier."

"You mean she wasn't always like that?" I interrupted.

He chuckled and shook his head. "No, she wasn't always a bitch, if that what you mean." He said what I was thinking but didn't what to say it out loud.

He concluded. "Anyways, one time we all were at a party and a song came on. Rosalie said she was going to go the bathroom. After about an hour or more, she didn't come back. Emmett said he was going to check on her to see what was taking so long, but he really wanted to see if she wasn't kidnapped or something." He said shaking his head. I gave a small chuckle.

"Anyways, Edward and I told him she was fine and that she was probably was just dancing with a guy or something. But he said he didn't trust that because we were at a party where we didn't know a lot of people. So he went to check on her anyways.

"It was a good thing he did. Turns out she was crying in the bathroom the whole time. The song that came on was a song her and our mother danced to or something, I'm not entirely sure. He came back and told us what was happening and that he would take her home. We said we would come with him and we left the party.

"After that, Em and Rosa started to talk and hang out more. It got to the point where they would go to movies or something without Edward or me. We didn't think anything of. Then after more than a few weeks of that, we started joking about how they might be dating behind our backs, but we thought they were just jokes. That was until one day.

"Edward and I were going somewhere and we were going to see Emmett wanted to come. We called his house, but his mother told us he was already over our house. So we went to see if Rosa seen him. But we made the mistake of walking in her room without knocking." He said.

"Oh no." I mumbled as I bowed my head down. I think I had a feeling of what was coming next. Nothing ever comes from someone walking in without knocking first.

He laughed. I guess he knew what I was thinking. "Yep, we walked in on the making out on her bed."

"Gross." I said shaking my head.

He laughed again. "At least you didn't see it first hand. It took me weeks to get the image out. Anyways, Edward was pissed. I don't think I ever seem him so mad. Before they had time to explain, he grabbed Emmett by the collar of his shirt, dragged him all the way down the stairs and pushed him out the door. As Rosa and I followed him, she was yelling at Edward to stop. When the door was closed, he turned to her and told her she couldn't date him. She reminded him that he wasn't her father."

"That sounds familiar." I mumbled and rolled my eyes.

He laughed. "Yeah, it seems to be girls' favorite line for him. Well, he told her if Emmett touched her again, he would hurt Emmett so bad that they won't have to worry about doing anything. She didn't talk to him for weeks; but the end of it, she came to Edward, Carlisle and myself and told us they were dating. Carlisle and I welcome to a family he was already a part of. But once again, Edward pissed. This time, Edward's fist had a nice talk with the side of Emmett's jaw." He said with a slight chuckle.

"He punched him?" I asked confused. He nodded. That didn't seem like something Edward would do. I wasn't sure he was telling the whole story. "You sure Emmett didn't say anything to piss him off. You know he's a tool."

"Yes he is; but for once in his life, he was quiet. And Edward hit him before any of us to stop him."

"Did they fight?" I couldn't help but ask. I was happy when he shook his head.

"I pulled Edward back before they could, and Rosalie held back Emmett. After that, three of them didn't talk for a month. I felt like the odd person out." He said closing the story.

"You're always in the middle, huh?" I questioned. He chuckled with a shrug. There was question I was unsure of. "Why was Edward fighting so hard to keep them apart?" I asked.

"He knew how Emmett was." He said with a slight shrug.

"Meaning…" I said, hoped he would abrogate.

"Meaning he knew how he treated girls." He explained.

"I don't understand." I admitted.

He sighed. "Bella, when we were young, Emmett was a player. He lost his virginity to a junior when he was in eighth grade."

"Don't want to know how you know that." I interrupted as I shook my head.

"Good because I wasn't going to tell you. Anyways, after that, he thought he was God's gift to women everywhere. And he became kind of a hit-it-and-quiet-it kind of guy."

"How do you know that?" I asked this time.

He gave a smirk. "Where you think I got all my lines and tricks?" he asked.

I looked at him for a second. Then it clicked in my head. I groaned loudly. "Ugh, you took tips on how to hook up with girls from your little brother's friend?" I complained in disgust just as loudly.

He just chuckled. "Hey, he was getting girls that shot me down. I had to see what he had that I didn't. When it came to girls, Edward and I looked to him like some kind of god."

"You guys were repulsive." I complained.

"We were teenage boys." He corrected. I rolled my eyes. I didn't see the difference. I thought teenage boys were not in their right minds to begin with. That's one of the reason I started dating a teacher. "So when it came to Rosa, Edward thought Emmett was using the excuse of our mother's death to hook up with her."

"Emmett wouldn't do that." I said out loud what I was thinking.

"No, we all saw that, but Edward didn't. The point is when Edward thinks he sees something dangerous ahead, he would try to stop it before anyone else see it. Sometimes it works, other times, well..." he stopped to shrug, figuring I knew the rest. I nodded. "So you have to talk to him about it, because he's not going to know he's being a complete jackass. He just thinks he's doing what's best."

"So it boils down to me talking to him." I mumbled. He nodded. I sighed. What's with him and Alice and talking all the damn time? How come any problem Edward and I have can be figured out by talking? More importantly, how come he and I never see it until someone points it out?

As if on cue, my phone rang. I took out of my pocket and looked at the caller ID. I made a disgusted sound as I rejected the call and slammed the phone on the table. Seeing his name just made me mad all over again.

"That was him, I'm guessing." He said. I placed my hands on my head and rested on my knees then nodded. "I could've sworn we just talked about him." He said.

I looked up at him. "We did, and I will, but not tonight. I need time to think." I told him.

He nodded. "Understood. Well, since you're here, how 'bout a drink?" he asked with a smile.

I gave him a confused look. "You mean like alcohol?" I asked, he nodded. "You sure that's a good idea?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Why not? I think you could use a drink." He said.

I shrugged, not caring too much to do anything else right now. He took that as a yes. He got up and walked to the kitchen. I saw he move around the small kitchen. He came back with two glasses with ice in each. He went to a cabinet and pulled a bottle.

"What is that?" I looked at the bottle with reddish-brown liquid in it,

"This is my favorite bottle of gin. It cost like thirty dollars a bottle so I only buy one at a time and I drink it only when I have a lot of thinking to do." He explained.

"Then why buy it?" I asked as walk over to me.

"Because it's the best damn thing you will ever taste." He praised it as he sat down on the table next to the glasses. He sat in the seat was in before getting up.

I looked at the bottle. It was half empty. "Looks like you think a lot." I said as I continued to look at it.

"Bella, I'm retired soldier, a lot of things run through my head." He said. I just shrug. That was to understand. I've heard when soldiers come home; they're not the same as when they left. "You want a drink or not?" he asked. I looked at him and nodded. I picked up the glass and held it out to him. He picked up the bottle and filled my glass.

To thinking about stuff, I said to myself before taking the liquid on a trip down my throat.

XXX

We had a few more drinks after that. We continued to talk. I forgot about what we were talking about as soon as we went to a new topic. Then out of nowhere, I found myself laughing. I didn't even know I was laughing so hard until he said something.

"What the heck are you laughing so hard for?" he said with a chuckle. Laughing is contiguous, especially in our state of mind.

I shook my head. "I had no idea." I told him honestly. Then I felt myself getting light headed. I place my empty glass on the table and laid on my side. "Why is the room spinning?" I asked as I placed my hand on my head.

"I don't know, but think we've had enough." He said. I heard him grabbed the glasses and bottle.

"How can you tell?" I asked as I peeked through my finger to look at him.

"Because when the room starts spinning, that's a sign to stop." He said with a smile.

"I should have stopped a long time ago then. " I mumbled as I rest my head on the pillow that was closer to me.

"So you're sleeping here tonight?" he asked.

I nodded. "I am in no kind of state to drive." I chuckled.

He chuckled back. "Right and plus Edward would kill me if I let you drive home drunk." He said.

I shook my head. "I'm not drunk; a little tipsy maybe, but not drunk." I corrected as I shook my finger at him. I could tell he was a little more sober than me. Well, then again, he was use to drinking since he did own a bar. His tolerance was always a little higher than mine.

"Same difference." He said

I chuckled then looked at him. "You should know as well as anyone when I'm drunk." I reminded him.

He shrugged. "I guess you're right." He said as I tried to get comfortable on the couch but I couldn't. I groaned. "What's wrong with you?" he replied to the groan.

"Stupid jeans." I groaned. I looked at him. "You got something I can sleep in?"

"Like what?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know, an old t-shirt and some shorts or something."

He nodded then went into his room. I placed my arm over my eyes and waited for him to come back. As I did, I did realize that I was a little buzzed. I could feel it and that's probably why I felt myself getting light headed. I'm glad he took my cup away.

I felt some light weight fabric land on my stomach and heard a light thump on the floor. I didn't remove my arm from my eyes, but I guessed it was some pajamas he threw on me and a blanket or something on the floor. "Thank you." I mumbled.

"Sure. I'm going to bed." He said. I nodded.

I removed my arm and looked at him. "Jasper." I called after him. He turned away and looked at me.

"Yeah Bella?" he asked.

"Thank you for talking to me tonight. It helped." I told him with a serious face.

I never told him, but I really appreciate him as a friend. He was one of the only ones who could talk me down.

When it comes to my relationship with Edward, Emmett and Jacob can make me laugh, Rosalie is someone to complain to and she will do it back and Alice will just nod and comforts me. I think he is the only one who will talk me down from a cliff because he will call me on my crap as well as Edward's.

"You're welcome. You know you can talk to me anytime." He told me.

I nodded. "I know, thanks. Good night." I said with a smile.

He smiled back. "Night. And don't worry, darlin' everything will be fine." He said.

"I'm hoping for that." I mumbled as he walked into his room and closed his door. When he did, I knew I was alone now. I sighed and got up to change my clothes. He gave me an old shirt and some pajama pants. My guess was they were too small for him or something. When I pull them to my waist, I had to pull the drawstring all the way out so it could be somewhat tightened. They were a little big since he was kind of the same size as Edward.

When I was done changing my clothes, I put the clothes I was wearing on the chair he was seating in so I knew where they were in the morning. I flopped back on the couch and laid down. When I did, the scent from the shirt hit my nose. I sighed at it. Even though it was Jasper's shirt, it reminded me of Edward.

I need to talk to him.


hi guys, how was it. please keep R & R-ing. love u guys.

Luv & Rockets