hey people. once again, sorry for the hold up. (i feel like i keep saying that.) but worry no more people because i have good news, i'm pass my little writer's block and i have been on like a writing roll for the past few weeks. i'm on summer break so i've been writing a lot so there will be more chapters to come. we'll be finish with this thing in no time, but sadly, i dont know about my other stories.
anyways, if you've notice by now, i use my A/N as my little soap box. first i want to talk about the MTV MA. last year was much better in my opinion. nd i'm starting to grow a small liking to Kristen, but i wish they would stop giving her the mic. she just awkward and not have good mic skills. and twilight won best kiss for the fourth in tye row.i dont think no one else is getting it until they stop the movies so..., yeah. oh yeah, and wat was up with that Vampire Diaries final ep. a few weeks ago? were they serious; smh, crazy.
i had more to talk about, but i dont feel like typing it. plus, i dont think anyone watches Pretty Little Liars or ABDC, so it would be a wasted. anyways, i'm happy to announce that i am posting not one, not two, but FOUR. but reread, you read right, 4b new chps at one. like i said, i've on a roll and i want them up.
here's the first one, enjoy.
7. The Talk
Somewhere along the night I felt myself with the blanket wrapped loosely around me and I was laying on my stomach.
I was having a dream that a bell kept ringing in my ear. I wanted it to stop, but no matter what I did, it didn't. and it didn't help that my head was hurting. "Stop. Stop, please. Please stop." I groaned. I put my pillow over my head but I kept hearing it. "Stop it, please." I groaned again as I held the pillow tighter.
"Bella, are you okay?" I heard a voice. It had an ascent so I knew who it was.
I shook my head. "Ringing in my head. Jasper, make it stop. Please make it stop." I begged. I heard him walking.
"Relax, it just the phone." He said.
"Turn it off." I told him.
"You sure? It's Edward; he's been calling for about an hour." That could be why I been hearing ringing in the last three dreams. "You should talk to him." He said.
I shook my head again. "I will, but not now; when my head's better. Turn off the phone." I told him. I heard him sigh and a button press.
"Hey Edward." What the hell; I told him to turn it off not to talk to him. What was he going to tell him? I hope he doesn't make me talk to him. I didn't know what to say yet. "She's still here. She's fine. No, she's asleep. I have her call you later." He said to his brother. I gave a slight smiled. Then I hear him press a button again.
"Thank you." I mumbled under the pillow.
"Sure. I don't feel like hearing the screaming. I have a headache." He said.
I gave a slight chuckled. Him and I both. "Don't worry, because I don't feel like it. I have one too. I guess we didn't stop early enough not to have hangovers." I gave a light joke.
I heard him give a small chuckle. "I'm making breakfast, want some?" he asked. I nodded. I removed the pillow to look up. I saw his bare back walking away.
"Don't you own a pajama shirt?" I asked him. This is one of the few times I saw him without one.
"Yeah, and you're wearing it." He said from the kitchen.
I looked down and saw I was in a gray shirt with the word 'army' in black bold lettering. I shook my head. "This can't be the only one you have." I pointed out.
He shrugged. "No. but what will be the point of wearing one?" he asked.
"I don't know. It just seems like the normal thing to do." I told him.
"Because Edward always wears one." He teased.
I chuckled. "That is completely different." I told him.
"How so?" he asked as he moved around the kitchen to do something. I couldn't see what he was making from how I was laying on the couch.
"Because he doesn't always go to bed with one on, for some reasons or another." I told him with a small smile.
"And who said those reasons don't apply to me?" he asked. I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Well, considering that I slept here last night and not one of your one night stands, I would I say it didn't." I said to him in an all-knowing tone.
I heard him chuckle. "Habit then, I guess. You want me to bring you a plate?" he asked. I guess he was done cooking now.
I sighed hard. "No, I'm coming." I should've said yes. I didn't feel like getting up. But then again, I know I would have to at least sit up to eat. I grabbed the blanket and wrapped around me as I walked into the kitchen. He was sitting in a chair and looking at a newspaper. When did he get that? I didn't hear him moving until the damn phone woke me up. "How long have you been up?" I asked.
He shrugged. "About an hour, maybe more."
"Huh, I didn't hear you." I told him.
"I know; you were sleeping like a damn rock. I heard you snoring all the way in my room." He teased.
I stuck my tongue out at him even though he couldn't see me. "Whatever. I so do not snore." I told him.
"If that's what you want to tell yourself." I gave him a glare as I place the blanket in the only other chair in there. I noticed his table was small and the chairs were all non- matching.
As I walked pass him, I slapped him in the back of his head. He didn't take time to hit me back for as soon as I did. he hit me in the back with the newspaper. "That wasn't nice." I said as I hit him on the shoulder. He rolled the paper up and smacked my hand. It sent a stinging through my arm. Did he have to hit me that fucking hard? I think I heard an echo from it. "Ow! Stop that." I complained as I held my hand to me.
"Then stop hitting me if you don't want to get hit back." He said as he unrolled the paper.
I sighed as I walked over to the counter. A smile came to my face when I was what he made. Yay waffles. It was a rare time when we had them because Edward thinks they too time consuming to make and aren't worth it. But I love to make them because they were my favorite, especially blueberry. I grabbed a plate and fork to put two of them on there. I walked back to the chair and sat down after putting the blanket behind me on the floor.
As we ate, he didn't take his eyes off the paper. So we ate in silence. After a while I noticed that he was folding up the paper. "Finished?" I asked.
He nodded. "Nothing's really happening in the world today." He said. he grabbed his fork and started eating again.
As he ate, I notice he still had that scar on his chest that I saw years ago. It didn't look like it was fading at all. "Why do you have that?" I asked bluntly. He looked at me. When he did, I knew it came out like I was being nosy.
He looked at me. "Has anyone ever told you you kind of talk a lot in the morning?" he asked, with a smirk that told me he was joking.
I smiled back because I knew what he was doing. Too bad it didn't worked like he hoped. "Do you not want to talk about it?" I concluded.
His smiled dropped as he shook his head. "I don't care because I'm not ashamed of it." He said.
'Then how did you get it?" I asked again.
He took one more bit before saying something. "I really don't remember actually. I was doing a search of the area I was located in. everything was going good and everything was clear. I was about to head back to my camp when there was an explosion. I don't know where it came from or how it happened, but I got the wrong end of it and blacked out. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the med core tent. There was a bandage across my chest. I asked them what happened and they said my suit tore and I caught the wrong end of a shard of glass and some of the flumes made me pass out. They said if they did work soon, I would've bled out; it was that deep."
I looked at him with serious eyes. "Wow. Was that all that happened?" I asked.
He shrugged. "Yeah, lucky. I could have came back much worst."
I looked at my plate to see it was empty. "Is that why you left?" I asked softly then looked up. I could tell this was a touchy subject for him. Whenever he talks about it, he keeps it short. In fact this was first time that he actually talked about his time in the army. He never even said why he left four years ago; not even to Carlisle. He said he was fine because he wanted be here for me while Edward was gone because around the time, he was the only who knew why I was so upset. I never thought about because I needed someone help me through what I was going through, but in the back of mind, I knew he wasn't telling the whole story.
"I didn't leave, Bella. I was honorably discharged." He said sharply. He grabbed his plate and mug and walked over to the sink.
"Don't want to talk about it?" I concluded again. This time he shook his head. "I understand." I grabbed my plate and cup and walked over to the sink. I placed in there and stood next to him. "If it means anything, I'm glad you did. You're my best friend and I would miss you too much." I told him with a smile.
He smiled back. "Thanks. It does mean something." I would've miss him. Who else would talk me down when I get mad at Edward? Where would I have gone last night? I know he was fighting for the country, but I like it better when he's here. Call me selfish, I guess.
"I should get ready to go home. I bet his worried sick." I said.
he laughed. "You know he is."
I gave a light chuckle before I walked into the living room to change my clothes. I sat on the couch to change into my jeans I had on yesterday. I stood up to take off the shirt and replaced it with my own. When I pulled my head through the hole, I saw him standing the doorway from the kitchen.
"Sorry." I said as I finished pulling my shirt over my body. I said that because I didn't feel right dressing in front him. I know we're just friends and he tells me all the time he doesn't see like that. But it still felt a little weird for a certain reason. What's weirder, I get all nervous when he walks in on me changing a shirt, but he can walk around with no clothes like it's nothing. It is. I'm stupid to think it's not.
He shook his head. "Don't be. I shouldn't have walked in like that."
"Yeah, but I should have went into the bathroom." I told him.
"You're right. You should of." He chuckled.
I chuckled back. "Which is why I'm sorry." I told him as I sat on the couch.
He walked over and sat down in the chair he sat in last night. Without thinking about it, I moved farther away from him to sit on the other side of the couch. "You don't have to be uncomfortable around me now." He pointed out.
I looked at him. "I kind of do." I said as I started to look for my shoes.
"Why?" he asked. I looked at him with a serious frown. He knew why I did feel uncomfortable. I didn't get how he was so cool. But I learned a while ago that when someone say forget it, they do. He sighed and rolled his eyes as he looked at me. "I know that. But we gotta stop thinking about that."
I sighed. "I know. I try, but I can't. it's just…" I stopped and shook my head.
"Bella, it wasn't on purpose. We were off our ass wasted. It wasn't like we planned it."
"Then why haven't we told Edward yet?" I challenged.
He rolled his eyes. "Because it was nothing." He stressed. "You and I both know that. You know my brother and we both know he would get pissed over nothing. No need to raise his blood pressure and give him a heart attack at 28. We agreed it didn't happen and it won't happen again." he said.
I sighed hard "I guess you're right."
"Of course I'm right. There's no need to be best friends one second and then creeping over eggshells the next." He explained.
I nodded again. As always, he was right. He and Alice was more like than he knew.
I sighed and rested my head on the pillow behind me. I kind of did want to go home yet. The reason I left was still racking at my mind. I still couldn't believe he blamed me. I was thinking about that all night, even while I was going to sleep. "Since we're such 'best friends', mind if I stay another night?" I asked.
"Not ready to home and face the music?" he asked as he looked at how I sat. I shook my head.
I sighed. "I really don't want to go home yet." I confused.
"Why not? I thought we agreed that you have to talk to him for him to realize how much of a jackass he's being." He said in confusion.
"Yeah, but our fight wasn't just about my pills." I told him. I realized we never talked about the other reason I left last night.
"Then what was else was it about?" he asked.
I turned my head to him. "Can I tell you something?" I asked. I didn't know how he would take what I was about to tell him. Would he take his side or mine? Or would he be in the middle?
He nodded. "Sure Bella. Anything." He told me.
"But it's something I didn't tell you last night." I said. he nodded for me to continue. I sighed and turned my head again to look at the ceiling. "Did you know he blamed me?" I asked a rhetorical question.
"What?" he exclaimed.
I nodded. "He told me before I left. Hence the reason why I left. I couldn't around him."
"I could see why." He said.
I turned to him again. "Did he ever tell you?" I asked a serious question.
He shook his head. "I don't think he told anyone." He told me.
I gave a dark chuckle. Of course he didn't. Edward Masen, always want to be the good guy. Sometimes it hurts more than helps. "Why would he; that would make him look like a jackass." I joked darkly. I turned my head again to look at the ceiling. I placed my hands over my eyes and rubbed them hard. I guess I was trying to rub the sleepiness of out them. Of trying to rub some sense in my head.
"I always thought he did." I sighed hard. "Now I know for sure through. And why shouldn't he?" I wondered out loud. Right. Why shouldn't he blame me? I had no problem hating myself. So why did he had a such a problem with it. It would be like getting mad at a bee for stringing you. It's what it's supposed to do.
"Because he has no right to." Jasper said, breaking my thoughts.
I removed my hands and looked at him. "What do you mean?" I asked.
"Bella, it wasn't your fault." He said.
"You don't have to make me feel better Jasper." I told him as I looked to the ceiling again.
"I'm not. I'm saying because it's true."
I fixed myself so I could face him. "Yes it is my fault. I'm the one who fell for my teacher." I told him, going back to reason this whole little thing started.
He shrugged. "Everyone has a crush on their teacher at one point or another." He said simply. "I remembered when I liked my fifth grade teacher." He said.
I shook my head. "Not the same."
"How so?" he challenged.
"Because you never kissed your fifth grade teacher." I told him.
He chuckled. "That is where you are wrong, little Bella." He said. I looked at him with a confused face. He couldn't mean what I think he meant. "I did kiss her. I was staying inside for recess because I wanted help. She was sitting next to me and was leaning in close. She was explaining something and the next I knew, my lips were on her." He said with a smile.
I asked the question before I could stop myself. "Cheek or lips?" I asked.
"Cheek. It was the only place I could reach." He admitted.
I started laughing. He could always make me laugh. "No way." He nodded. I laughed again. "Wow. Sounds just like me. Besides, that's different. You were ten or eleven and it was cute. I was seventeen and it was weird; for both of us. I avoided him for weeks because I didn't want to give him the chance to talk about it. I didn't want to talk about it; I wanted to forget I made a complete ass of myself." I told him.
"Yeah, you're right. That is a little weird." He said.
I popped up and looked at him with a glare in my eyes. "Weren't you trying to convince me that it wasn't my fault?" I asked as I crooked an eyebrow.
"You're right. I am, sorry." I breathed hard as I leaned back and stared at the ceiling again. "It really wasn't, Bella. if anything, it was his own stupid fault." He said as if he was annoyed.
"How do you figure that?" I asked.
"Because he was the one who liked someone he had no business liking." He said.
"But he told me we should wait. I was the one who pushed him toward it."
"He should've held his ground better."
"I shouldn't have tempted him."
"He should've kept looking at you like a student and not someone he met at a coffee shop or something."
"I shouldn't have dressed so sexy to get his attention."
When I said that, he laughed. I looked at him as if to ask what was funny. "I'm sorry Bella, but I saw some pictures of your high school days and you were not sexy. You were cute and maybe border line hot, but not sexy." He said. "At least not to me anyways."
I stuck my tongue out at him. "Good because it wasn't for you."
"Now Alice…" he started.
"Shut up. We're not talking about her. We're talking about me." he rolled his eyes. I sighed. "Anyways, when I did that I should transfer out of his class."
"You would've still seen him around school."
"I should have never gone to talk to him about it."
"Yes you should've." He said. I looked at him as if to ask why. "Because if you didn't, he would've been confused, you would've been confuse. Then years later, even if you both are married, you would've been thinking what could've happened, what should've happened, what would've happened." He explained.
I sighed again. "That's what Alice thought too." I said.
"The girl is smart." He said. I wanted to roll my eyes. I didn't know if he really meant that or if he was just looking for a reason to speak holy of her.
"Well either way, it was still my fault; and it still will be whenever you get finish trying to think of excuses." I said as I sat back and folded my arms in frustration. I didn't understand why people couldn't just let me feel sorry for myself.
He shook his head. "I'm not making excuses; I'm just telling you what you're not thinking of. And whenever you get done trying to think of excuses, it wasn't your fault."
"Jasper I…"
"Bella, did you call the police, did you go out in public where everyone saw you, did you kiss him during class, did you try to do anything out of the ordinary?" he asked.
I thought about it. I didn't do any of those things. I mean we did kiss during school hours even though we said we wouldn't. But it was always after class or Alice was there to tell us when someone was coming. "No, I guess not."
"Exactly. So as far as I see it, you did nothing wrong. The only you did wrong was fall in love with someone who wasn't your own age. And that's wasn't your fault. It's your parents for having sex too late." He said bluntly.
I covered my ears and shook my head. "I rather not hear about my parents' conception, please." I whined.
He chuckled. "You're such a baby. I know damn well you're not as innocent as you're making yourself out to be. Remember that Christmas morning when we shared a bathroom, Miss Loud Screamer." He smiled with the most annoying smirk. Even my face was burning from the embarrassment from that day, I threw a pillow at him as hard as I could.
"Shut the hell up; that is so not the point." I snapped at him, as the pillow hit him in the face.
He laughed as he tossed the pillow to the floor. "I'm just saying. You can't help who you fall in love with. And it didn't help the fact that he happened to be your teacher." He said.
"I guess you're right."
"You know, that might something else you need to talk to him about?" he said.
I nodded. "Gosh, what is it with you and that pixie and me talking to him about stuff?" I teased him because he and Alice had the same idea when it comes to us having an issue. We just got to talk about it.
He chuckled and shrugged. "It's always good to have things in the open." He said.
I shook my head. "Sometimes it's nice to have things stuffed tightly in a tiny jar." I joked with a smile.
"Not when it comes to a relationship." He said as he smiled back.
"This coming from a guy who fucks random girls with ease but when it comes to the one he actually like, he can't talk to her without sounding like an idiot?" I asked as I tiled my head to the side in a teasing matter.
He took that as a chance to throw the pillow back at me. "Stop bringing that up. We're going to get there soon or later." He snapped back.
I didn't do anything but laugh at him. They need to get here fast then. "Whatever." I mumbled as I stood up to stretch. As I did, I covered my mouth to cover a giant yawn. When I did, I smelled what the gin mixed with sleep did to my breath. I groaned. "I think I should brush my teeth before I go." I said out loud. "Do you have an extra toothbrush?" I asked him.
He started thinking. "I think so." He got up and walked into the bathroom. He came out with a small shoebox. "Any color you prefer?" he asked
"Red." I said in a confused tone. I heard plastic being moved around in the box. He took out a small package and tossed it to me. I saw it was the size of a toothbrush which told me it was new and unopened. "Okay, I'm just going to ask. Why the hell do you have a shoebox full of toothbrushes?" I asked him as I caught it.
"Well, when I go out and come home with someone, she usually doesn't want to leave without freshen up. So I thought it would be easier for everyone if I just kept some extra ones here." He explained.
I shook my head. I can't believe he keeps those here for his one night stands. At least he takes care of the girl he screwed for the night. It doesn't make it any better through. "You know if you want to have a chance with Alice, you're going to have to stop all this whoring around town?" I told him. Yes Alice knows he's a player, which is why she hadn't taken that step towards him. She really likes him and doesn't want to be another notch in his belt. I can't say I don't agree with her. If the man printed out pictures of all the girls he hooked up with, I was pretty sure he could give Playboy a run for its money. Okay, I might be exaggerating, but I still think it was a lot.
"I know, and I've gotten better. You're the first girl who slept here in a while." He said.
"And I was on the couch." I added with a chuckle.
"Exactly." He nodded.
"But still. When you get with her, can you tone it down some more?" I asked.
"I'll cross that bridge when I get to get." He said as he went to put the box back. I wondered how close they actually were to dating each other. I hope it was closer than we all thought. And they talk about Edward and I. they should take their own advice and just fucking talk to each other.
I sighed hard. I walked in when he walked out.
XXX
When I got home, I was surprise to see that he wasn't waiting for me with the front door opened. I walked in the house to see he was lying on the couch. He was wearing the same thing I left him in. his body was still and his eyes were closed tightly. He was sleeping. He must've went to sleep after he talked to Jasper this morning. That was good. Maybe I could sneak pass him and avoid this talk for a little while longer. I should have stayed at Jasper's house. I would have if he didn't say he had to get ready for work and nearly pushed me out of his apartment.
I thought I was ready to face Edward, but I wasn't. I wasn't ready to face him or what was said. I needed more time to think. I needed to think about me and him and us together. And most importantly, I needed to think about what I was going to say to him when we do talk. If I don't talk to him now, it will give me more time to analyze our relationship.
There was only one to find out and talking to him now might not help me.
I quietly turned to the door and slowly opening it. After trying so hard not to make a sound when I closed it, I was trying even harder not to make a sound to let him know I was leaving. I wanted him to think I never came home and not that I came and left.
"You finally decided to come home?" I hear his voice. He must have wakened up when the damn door creaked. Stupid thing; it's making really hard for me to sneak out. No use in trying to now. I closed the door and turned to him. his eyes were open now – half opened, but still – and they were staring at me. "Or you still trying avoid confliction?"
"Were you awake this whole time?" I asked as if that was the only thing I could think of to say to him.
He shrugged as he sat up and rested against the armrest. "Long enough to hear you walk in then open the door again as if you were about to walk back out." He said with the same emotionless tone he's been talking in since he first spoke. "You were, weren't you?" he stated, but I was pretty sure he already knew the answer.
I shrugged. "I needed more time to think." I told him, not declining that I was, in fact, trying to leave again.
"Or more time to run." He stated.
The statement made me mad. It reminded me of when he suggested that I ran from my problems instead of trying to face him. I wouldn't say he was wrong.
When my parents were fighting and separated, I ran to Alice's house. When he got arrested, I ran to the same place. But then when my mom and I got in a fight about him, I ran to him. I ran to him again when Rosalie and Emmett found out about us. The difference between the first two things and the last two things were that when I ran, I ran to him; like any other time.
I like running to him because he holds me. When he holds me, he comforts me. Even if he isn't sure that things will turn out for the better, he still makes me feel safe. As if I could believe in the better side of fictional love stories. But when we fight and I had to run away from him, who will make me feel like that when he's being a jackass?
I crossed my arms and shrug. I didn't want to give him a hint of what I was thinking. "I don't like to fight."
He got off the couch. He walked over to me. "You think I do." He said.
I shrugged again. "Well, you don't act like you don't." I commented.
He glared at me like what I said hit a soft spot. "I don't. I hate arguing with you. but when you scream and snap at me instead of talking, I get angry. I am human."
"Yes, but it's not like you try to control your anger." I said to him getting infuriated myself. He spoke as if was my fault we fought last night when it wasn't. if it was anyone's, it was his. He could have just simply asked me instead of cursing at me like he was some kind of strict parent. When he did, I got a little defensive.
He shook his head at me. "You make it sounds like I get off on yelling at you or something." I looked away from him, not giving him an answer. "If you honestly think something like that, you're not as smart as you was before I left." He mumbled, repeating the same thing he did said last night.
I turned to look at him again, but he was walking away from me. "I didn't even say anything."
"You didn't have to. I implied; you know, kind of like what you did last night." He said as he kept walking to the kitchen.
That wasn't fair. I didn't imply. What he said was spelled out loud and clear; no need for implications. "I didn't imply anything, you said it." I said following after him.
He stopped and turned to me. "And you never gave me a chance to say anything else." He said.
I crossed my arms. "Are you going to explain it now?" I asked.
"That depends; are we going to talk like adults or are we going to fight like children again?" he asked.
I turned my head away from him. "You started it." I mumbled.
"That sounds awfully like a child arguing to me." He pointed out.
I looked at him. I shook my head. "I don't want to fight. I'm tried of being at each other's throats." I told him.
"So we're going to talk." He stated, not asking.
I started at him. I wanted to talk but…"Not now. I'm tired." I said. I turned away from him and starting walking away. I needed more time. He wasn't going to give it to me, however. He grabbed my arm before I got too far. He started pulling me to the couch. "Edward stop; didn't I just say I was tired?"
"Oddly at this point, I don't care." He answered. He sat on the couch and pulled me down with him. "Talk." He ordered me. I turned to face forward. I sat there pouting and tight lipped like the child he assumed me of being a few minutes ago. "I have all day, you know." He reminded me.
"Where the hell you want me to start?" I asked. He reached into his pocket and pulled out something. He shook the bottle to get my attention when he saw that I still wasn't looking at him. I looked at him then roll my eyes away when I saw what he was holding. "Where did you get those?" I mumbled after seeing the extra bottle of pill Carlisle ordered me to keep.
"Your book bag." He answered as he set them on the table. If I got mad this time, I would have a better reason. He actually did go through my things this time to find something he had no business looking for. The only reason I had them because Carlisle thought it was better to keep an extra bottle in my bag for when I'm not in the house. "So why do you have them?" he asked.
"Are you going to yell and swear at me again when I don't give you the answer you want?" I asked him bitterly.
I heard him sigh hard. "I'm trying to be open minded about this." He answered. I sat on the couch, still with my lips pressed tightly together. Something like this wasn't something I could just easily talk about; not even to him. I don't know why I couldn't tell him about it but I knew one thing; I hated those damn pills and wish I didn't have to take them. "However, I can't do that if you don't talk to me." I looked at him. I saw he was holding serious concern for me. I could see his feeling from the look in his eyes. "I talked to you about my job situation; it's your time to talk to me."
When he put it like that, how could I not?
I started when I started feeling depressed, which was near the middle of my senior year. It was when I got accepted to my first choice school with a scholarship. I wanted to tell him as soon as I opened the letter, but I couldn't. The time I found out, it was somewhere around eight o'clock and visiting hours have been over for an hour. Meaning he couldn't get calls or visits. That's when it really snuck in that he was gone.
I continued by telling him how my depression did nothing but get worst as time went on. I told him how I felt like everyone was leaving me and I couldn't stop it. That was around the time I was slipping in my classes and my depression switch into full on stressing out. I told him about the anxious attack I had during an exam and how I was blacking out a few times for a couple of weeks before. I explained how no one expect Alice and my mom – beside Carlisle, of course – knew about them for the about a year. I told him it was because I was embarrassed about them.
When I was done, I didn't look at his face. I couldn't even glance at him the whole time I was talking. When I did, however, he wasn't giving anything away that would explain what he was thinking. So I didn't know what he thought of the pills or how I felt or, most importantly, of me.
"Say something." I sighed.
"Do you still need them?" he asked softly.
I shook my head as I tuck hair behind my ear. "Not as much as before, no."
"What changed it?" he asked. I shrugged. I acted as if I didn't know, but in truth, I didn't want to tell him. I know exactly why my stress started to die down. My best friend came back to Forks, I started visiting my mom more and mostly, because Edward came home. I didn't think letting him know that was important. The essential thing was that it calmed down.
"Why haven't you told me until now?" he asked.
"Like I told you, I was embarrassed about taking them." I repeated to him. "That was one of few." I mumbled.
"One of?" he repeated, obviously hearing me anyways.
I sighed. "Come on, Edward. You're not the one to be okay with things you can't fix. It's not your fault; it's just the way you are." I told him.
"Well, can you blame me; I don't like seeing the people I love hurting." He explained in annoyed tone.
When he said that, that made me think of what he said. What he said was the rest why I left last night. Since we were turning turns talking; I would say now was a pretty good time for him to take his. "Speaking of hurting and placing the blame…" I stopped and tried to look at him. when I saw he didn't know what I was talking about, I looked down at my hands that were now folded in my lap. "When exactly did you start blaming me for sending you to prison?" I choked out, trying to keep the tears that were fighting their way to come down again.
He sighed hard. "I still can't believe I admitted that." Admitted? So he didn't just say that to hurt me. That made me a little bit better because he wasn't being the complete jackass I thought he was. But as soon as I started feeling better, the feeling was sucked away. I lost the feeling because he actually did blame me. In the long run, I think I would have just taken the fact that he just said it to be mean.
I sniffed in an effort to push back some more tears. "Well, you did. So, when?" I asked again.
He sighed again. "It wasn't my first year there." He started. I looked at him through the tears that were blurring my vision. I wiped my eyes clean. I saw he had his head in his hands. He lifted his head and rested it on his hand. He looked forward as if he couldn't bare to glance my way. "It was my second. When you didn't visit me as much; when you couldn't take my call nor return them like before."
When he explained all that, I understood. I knew why he would think what he did. "It was when I started my first year of college." I concluded. He nodded slightly. "You thought I stopped caring." I went on. He nodded again. "How the hell could you think that?" I asked.
"I don't know Bella." He groaned as he stood up. He started pacing back and forward. "Seeing you every day for an hour then talking to you when I could was the only thing keeping me going. When it stopped for that time being, it was the longest fucking months of my life. I couldn't take it. I was driving myself insane."
I stood up. "Edward, that's not fair. You know why I couldn't see you like I wanted to."
"I know." He said rolling his eyes, but still pacing. "I know you were trying to adjust to your first year of college and you didn't have time." He stopped and looked at me. "But that's just thing, when I needed you; it seem like you didn't have time for me." he sighed and sat down on the couch again. "I understood and I was proud of you, but damn it, that didn't make the shit hurt any less. And everyone kept asking where you were and why you stopped coming to see me." he stopped and shook his head. "I can't tell you how many fucking fights I got into because some damn jackass said you found someone else. The pure thought made me see blood red." He mumbled.
"You fought?" I asked, surprised. That would explained all the scars all over his torso. He never explained them and I never asked because I knew I wouldn't like the answer.
He shrugged. "More or less. Anyways, the more comments that were made and the less I saw of you; I don't know, I guess I needed someone to blame. And because I felt abandon again, you seen like the easiness choice." He mumbled the last part like he didn't want to me to hear him. Too bad I did.
"Edward, I didn't abandon you." I said softly. He shrugged like he didn't hear me. "I didn't nor did I want to stop visiting you. It was hard for me too. It's not fair that you blamed me nor is it fair that you keep lying to me." I snapped as I turned away from him.
"What the hell you mean lying to you?" he questioned, irritated now. I turned to him and he was standing again. He was angry. "I never ly-."
"Edward, I asked you more times than I can count if you blamed me. Every time I saw you, I ask 'Are you sure you don't blame me; I hate myself for sending you here.' You looked me in my face and said no. You told me numerous times that it wasn't my fault and that you could never blame me. All the while you were lying to me. Just another damn thing changed you perfectly since you got out." I mumbled the last part sarcastically before turning away again.
"What the fuck that mean?" he snapped again.
I turned to him. "Listen to yourself. You've gotten angrier and aggressive. You're ready to punch a hole through a wall because something doesn't go your way."
"Well, I'm so sorry I'm not a fucking Care Bear after being in a damn jail cell for five fucking years." He snapped bitterly.
When he said that, I felt tears starting to come. "That doesn't mean you had to change as much you did." I said soft, as I was saying it more to myself than to him. "It also doesn't mean I should be afraid of you. Edward, when you get mad, I'm terrified to be around you." I told him.
He rolled his eyes. "Stop being so goddamn dramatic, Bella."
I felt myself getting angrier. He wasn't listening to me. But why was I was I getting mad? I should how known better. I shook my head. "Of course you would say that. That's exactly what new Edward would say." I said.
I saw his hands ball up in a tight fist. "Don't call that me." He urged through his teeth.
I crossed my arms. I knew he was angry at what I was saying. It's gotten to the point when I can easily tell when he's pissed; and that's not because I've known him as long as I had. Like I told him, however, when he's upset I can't help but be scared. I took a few steps back before I said what I wanted to say. "New Edward."
"Why the fuck do you keep saying that?" he yelled.
"Because it's true." I yelled back.
"It's not."
"It is." I urged. He groaned loudly before turning away from me. I saw he was starting to walk away. He didn't want to hear what I had to say because he knew that something in the back of his mind was telling him that I was right. It's just like me when I ran, his pride wouldn't let him hear it. But that didn't stop me from saying it. "Just admit it Edward." I said before he got too far.
I knew he heard me because he stopped. "Admit it." I repeated softer. "You've changed. You're happy one second and ready to fight in the very next one; like some kind of light switch." He turned to me. he might be willing to listen. "When I fell in love with when I was seventeen, I knew it was right. You were kinder, sweeter, more understanding. You were comforting and I felt like I could talk to you about anything and everything. I felt your love for me was a joy and not a burden. What happened to that guy?"
"Have it ever crossed your damn mind that that guy fucking died?" he yelled. I heard a gasped right after I heard the words. It didn't take me long to realize that it was me. he yelled as if he couldn't hold in the comment anymore. As if the whole time I was talking, he was just wanting for the moment where he could fit it in. he said it as if he actually believed it. But that wasn't the reason I gasped.
I gasped more at myself because I was shocked. I was shocked because I knew that it didn't matter that he said it or how he said it; I don't even give a damn that with all his heart, he thinks the comment is true. I was shocked that I think I'm starting to believe that myself. I might have even been thinking that before now. and if the guy I knew and loved before died and our love changed, what chance did our poor, broken, little relationship have? That's what mattered because I think I knew the answer. And that scared the every living crap out of me.
I shook my head. "I don't talk about this anymore." I mumbled as I walked pass him.
I heard him sigh. "Fine by me." he mumbled as I made my way to the stairs. As I begin to walk up them, I heard the TV click on, but I knew he wasn't going to watch anything that was on.
I know I'm not the only one who hated the turn this conversation took.
that was first one, keep going.
R & R-ing
Luv & Rockets.
