I DO NOT OWN WIR
This is dedicated to my SO. My SO is Felix in the story...
I am unlovable.
I should be institutionalized for how funny I am in the head.
There is not a word to describe what goes on inside of my head, my heart, my soul. If I have one.
I make sure that no one knows how often I cry when I'm by myself. I make sure no one knows how much guilt I carry or how much pain I'm in or the memories that haunt me in my waking thoughts. Everyone is at a distance. I make sure no one gives a fun.
I live on distraction. It's my one ticket to survival. It gives me something to focus on other than the heaviness in my heart. The heaviness I didn't choose. The heaviness I wouldn't wish on anybody.
I am unlovable.
But, for some reason, he's decided he loves me.
It's as if all of the world stopped and for a brief moment, the past is the past and the future is the future. You know how it is when your past consumes you, and you try to claw your way out of the black hole. The people around you make you hate yourself. You make you hate yourself.
You grow up feeling like nothing. You do your job feeling like nothing. You lose the one person you love more than your own life, making you feel like nothing.
But, for some reason, this Felix guy decided he loves me.
I half want to shake him and scream: "Don't you get it?! I'm funny in the head! No one could ever look at such a disgusting creature as I. Why would you want to?! They never have in the past! What makes you different?!"
What makes him different?
Maybe it's because he sees what no one else can see: amidst the storm in my heart, there is a strong, brave woman who is tired of being strong and brave. Maybe he sees a person crumbling from her crimes, and only wants to make it better. Maybe, despite the "I've-got-my-crud-together" act, he sees me on the verge of a breakdown.
Maybe...I want him to see that.
Maybe he sees someone as funny in the head as me, but decides not to mess with my head or heart, but ignite my spirit; to help me show the world exactly what we're made of if we stick together.
Maybe he loves me because funny girls are what he's into. Maybe it's some sort of fetish.
Or maybe, he considers me...lovable.
