Edward Cullen was walking in the forests of Washington. All around him lay the ancient ashen trees of Forks that were infamous for puncturing the heavens and bringing about the end of the age of immortals. Edward snirk'led slightly to himself as he looked out over the coastline, the same coastline he had rescued a drowning Bella from, and the same waters he had subsequently used as a purity bath to tame her insolence.
A sight in the distance caught Edward's attention, and he focused his second eye in on the distant subject. Far off in the distance lay a teepee, fashioned of animal hides dyed pulsing colors that nobody could sing about. Edward's fourth sense tingled, and he spun around to meet his mortal enemy in life: Jacob Black.
The burning effigy on Jacob's dwarven wrought jeans glows, symbolizing the impertinence of all things. Wordlessly, the two locked eyes as leaves began to fall in a dramatic fashion, before dissolving into Checions against the increasing chess auras. Edward reached for the checkerboard mounted above his Lordevessel, but Jacob beat him to it. Jacob tossed out his own chessboard, which floated in the air between them before numerous cyber-tentacles emerged, penetrating the crevices of the ground and forming a supportive table. The black squares on the board were wrought with an ungodly ebony, and mounted with the static of a thousand television displays through which one could fall and be murdered across the continuities of various collapsing mediums.
Edward removed his checkers from his body, milky white like his flawless skin, and placed them on the board. Jacob, using black pieces because it fit his last name, did the same. Except black. As previously stated. Bitch.
"I've been waiting so long for this." Edward said, eagerly as he began his opening move. Jacob simply death started him back, all of his eyes focused on Edward's immaculate face. "Want to know what your daughter's innards looked like?" Jacob mocked. Edward's grasp over his komodo-dragon ivory checker pieces tightened as he cursed the fact that wolves sacrifice their mates to the glory of Satanis after mating, a destiny his mutant half-vampire spawn had been unable to avoid.
Jacob was well aware of Edward's key-checker move, the Breaking Dawn, which he had seen Edward use once to kill Tayyip Erdoğan and become the prime minister of Turkey, as was Turkish law. In order for the move to work, and subsequently kill him and undervalue all things he loved in the eyes of eternity, Edward would need 4 pieces aligned from the corner of the board, allowing his 12-sequence jump for game. Jacob turgled as he pulled the last of pieces into position.
"NEW MOON" shouted Jacob, darting about the board, in a half-man, half-wolf hybrid form. Faster than all of Edward's eye could see, Jacob's topmost checker piece jumped a full circle of Edward's pieces, creating an effigy of a moon, bright enough to reflect sunlight up to the orbital moon, destroying it and causing the orbital moon to reflect enough solar energy back onto the board, vaporizing 8 of Edward's pieces in a flash of light.
To the common observer that was somehow capable of surviving a fatal amount of solar radiation, Edward was at a clear disadvantage, for he had only four pieces left. Checions pulsed in the air as Edward's sexy, confident grin widened to a full smile, at a high enough speed to split the corner of his mouth and lose blood all over the ground, where it seeped down into the roots of the mountains and awoke a race of racist trolls. "Take this, you baka!" Edward exclaimed, conversationally, out loud. "BREAKING DAWN", he loudly exclaimed, announcing his signature move. The Checions in the air exploded in a show of sparkled like diamonds as all but one of Jacob's pieces were jumped in one continual, metaphorical chain. Jacob was probably fucked at this point.
However, Jacob's smile went even wider, revealing the large white bestial teeth that had drained the blood from 100 dreams across a lifetime of being a technical minority. Trillions of Checions pulsed in the air in anticipation for Jacob's next move. All 16 of Jacob's hands snapped to full attention and began to descend upon the board.
Faster than Edward's eyes could perceive, the match was over. All four of his remaining pieces, along with his knights, his queen, the Go Hane Lock he had established, and his metal top hat were eliminated from the board.
"Behold the power of my secret Checkers technique" Jacob said, his remaining piece floating around the fingers of his top 4 arms. "The BRAHMASTRA. One jump with each hand. No man can withstand the power of 16 simultaneous moves."
Edward fell backwards as the checkerboard collapsed, badly bleeding. Jacob towered over him. "Under the 'Ultra Chess Soul Supremacy Act' passed by Barack Saddam Obama in his 4th term, I am allowed to take your soul. But I don't want your soul. All I want is your life."
Edward was too weak to resist Jacob lifting him up and tossing his bleeding body in the sea. As he fell, his vision fell to black. Soon, his mind was gone entirely, and as he sunk closer and closer to the forgotten city of R'lyeh, his last waking thoughts were of checkers.
