As Italy was a frozen wasteland 12 months of the year, it is of no narrative importance to distinguish what month it was when Edward emerged from the sea. Clothed in the silken clothes of R'Lyeh and sporting a shiny new set of bio-mechanical replacement fingers that melded science and magic seamlessly, Edward set his sights on the Neo-Cyber-Volterra, and began his trek forwards.
None of the Volturi were particularly surprised when Edward kicked down the door to their inner citadel, as they had heard him outside attempting to kick it in for near 45 minutes. "One more lamb to the slaughter." Aro laughed. "To the slaughter..." Cauis echoed, needlessly adding dramatic emphasis on Aro's last line. "Se vocĂȘ vir a desempenhar?" Marcus finished, for he was only capable of speaking Portuguese since the accident.
Edward undid his sash, allowing it to float away to orbit and rejoin its people. His shirt fell to the ground, revealing the numerous, totally sexy, scars he had gained while learning the art of Norse Checkers from Beowulf. Wordlessly, each of the Volturi conjured forth their checkerboard and set the pieces. All of Edward's eyes locked with theirs, exchanging a silent understanding of what was to come. A single loss would cost Edward his soul.
With a gunshot through the air, the games begun.
All four players played with the maximum possible degree that a vampire could output during a game of checkers. Were there mere mortals within the chamber, the amount of Checions in the atmosphere would have microwaved them into a delicious snack. Soon, the Checions in the air ignited, burning brighter than the hopes and dreams of deposed children and reducing the citadel to ash, leaving the four playing checks in the rain atop a tower while dramatic music played in the background that combined elements of new-wave metal and traditional symphonic opera.
As all three of the Volturi had seen footage of Breaking Dawn on the internet, all knew not to align their pieces diagonally along the board, something that should probably have already been common sense for Edward's previous opponents. Aro and Cauis exchanged knowing nods, as they moved their pieces together to prepare their combo-attack.
"KINGMAKER!" The two shouted in unison. The Kingmaker was the legendary Volturi Checker move that allowed them to King all 12 of their pieces at once, allowing for utter domination of the board. Exactly what Edward was waiting for.
"64 SQUARES TECHNIQUE: BURNING OF THE TIDES OF FATE: THE SPARKLING SUN!" Edward yelled. None of the Volturi knew how to react. A secret Checkers technique that they had never seen before? Faster than the eye could see, or the poet could record, Edward slammed his fist against the tables. All of the pieces flew up into the air, and before they could fall, Edward rotated the table 90 , causing the pieces to fall along the edge of the board. The Vultori looked at each other in surprise. Before any of them had time to react, Edward had begun his next move.
"BREAKING DAWN!" Edward exclaimed, launching his signature move. Along with their pieces, Aro and Cauis exploded in showers of gore, flooding the earth and causing Sunday to be re-named to 'Dayofbloodday'. Edward then procured a Glock 17C from his space-Norse-pants and executed Marcus. As Marcus had not actually moved a piece yet, and had simply been standing still spouting Portuguese, it was a mercy kill.
Edward harvested their souls, bringing his soul count up to 49, because he had also probably beaten Beowulf sometime. He set off into the sunset, thinking of checkers, but more importantly, his 50th victory: Jacob Black.
