Edward's journey back to Forks, Washington was a difficult one, as anyone who has attempted to walk across the Atlantic Ocean will attest to. When he returned, he found the city ablaze, and the people nothing more than mutated mockery of life owing to radiation poisoning from all the Checions in the air. As Edward waded through a pile of once-human teeth, he set his eyes on a distant target: Jacob's racially mandated Teepee.

Jacob Black was waiting for him, Checkerboard set up over the desecrated body of Renesmee, Edward's mutant spawn daughter. Jacob's attempts to psych him out would not work. Glaring at Jacob with his eyes, Edward did not set up his pieces like Jacob had anticipated. "We shall not fight here." Edward declared. "We shall instead fight in the lost city of Atlantis, a more fitting battleground."

"Fwuh-ha-huh-hah-haha-haha." Jacob laughed/giggled in response. "Many know of your secret underwater training. I shan't give you the advantage of a home-field. Instead, we shall fight atop an active volcano." The two shook hands.

Mount St. Helen's was due for exploding again, and as it did, burning slags of lava passed over the staging ground of Edward and Jacob's final battle, before raining down on the suburbs below, destroying countless homes and livelihoods. The two tossed their pieces on the board.

The two played absolutely evenly. 8 hours of non-stop Checkers had passed, and both had yet to actually secure a piece. Edward had several of his eyes scan over Jacob's 16 hands, awaiting the perfect moment. "Baha. I tire of this!" Jacob exclaimed, taking a dramatic pose over the board. This was the moment that Edward had been waiting for.

"BRAHMASTRA!"

Jacob's sixteen hands completed sixteen moves, all within the heartbeat of a fraction of a nanosecond. When the Checion-induced smoke settled, much to Jacob's surprise, Edward was still standing.

"Fwuh?" Jacob exclaimed in surprise. Edward looked him head on, before a slight grin broke on his face. "Look at the board." Edward mocked.

Jacob looked down to find his pieces missing. "How can this be?!" He loudly asked, climactically. "You were so busy with your Brahmastra move, you didn't notice me rotate the board 90 . What good is 16 simultaneous moves if you jump all your own pieces?"

Jacob let out a scream, which distorted to sound like a Marylin Manson song as his body began to turn hollow, just like god's promises. In a bright flash of blue, gold, green, purple, red, black, gold, and blue light, his soul left his body and was sucked up by Edward's Lordevessel.

Edward let out a sigh and refreshing rain swept over him. He had won. Now all that was left to do was return home.

Bella was where Edward left her, although slightly more emaciated because nobody had been present to feed her comatose body. "Hey baby." Edward said, setting down his Lordevessel beside her. Wordlessly, he set up a checkerboard between them. Wordlessly, he set his pieces along the board.

"I've got to thinking. All this time I've been collecting souls and playing checkers in pursuit of a dream. But, I came to realize, everything I need is right in front of me." Edward mused. Bella smiled. Maybe. It was hard to tell.

Edward knocked over the Checkerboard. "So, this is one game I want to lose. All the souls I've forcefully ripped from human and vampire bodies has made me realize something. You're the one who really owns me soul." Since Edward knocked over the checkerboard, according to the rules of neo-checkers set by President Barack Bin Laden Obama III, he was the loser. With a smile on his face, his soul left his body and floated over to Bella.

The two lie there, content in their carnal, romantic, and vegetative embrace for a long while, before Bella quietly expired from malnutrition. It was hard to tell, though. Months later, Edward's body was discovered and sold to necrophiliacs.

The end.