Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.

Warnings for all of Chapter Two…so not all may apply to this post in specific, but expect it to show up: Language is kinda heavy here…at least from a certain Doctor of ours (Wink-Wink). Lol. Also there will be anger, angst, comfort, heavy loving (SMUT!), fluff, and hmm…other surprises in store for chapter two.

AN: I know I have the whole Private Messaging thing, but I like to respond to reviews so I'm just going to say thank you to those who have reviewed so far, and to all who are taking the time to read my story :)

Also, I apologize for the delayed posts. I'm trying to keep up to my EtS standards but with midterms come and gone I'm along the final crunch and my life is just Gah! Crazy. Haha. So posting will be slowed, but probably still similar to how it's been. Basically once a week but posting the chapters as a whole (all the parts to each chapter)…so expect two to four posts each week but just all at once. Its basically me spending the week writing up the chapter in my notebook during any free time and re-writing (re-working) it in a word doc when I finally have a break in the week to.

But yah back to earlier. Thank you all. ForestSprite, Ithilien Archer, AlaMac0801 you all were there during Even the Stars and it's great to see familiar names following this tale along : )

As well as the others who are showing up now! ^ ^ Thank you. Hope you enjoy.

AN2: Sorry again for all the angst. I promise before the end of this chapter there will be comfort, fluff, and love to appease the hurt and angst that keeps showing up.


The One I've Loved

Chapter Two (Part One):

"…Already the Admirals have been discussing whether or not your time would be best spent exploring. After all you have already accomplished and been through, it's not really surprising this has come up now that you're back. I've been hearing word of a potential Admiral position opening up, and it seems many of them are considering you for that role. This would give you more say in matters as well as keep you close to home."

"And what if he wanted to captain again instead? Shouldn't there be a say in this?"

McCoy's voice broke over Pike's with a huff of annoyance. Overall the tone wasn't half as forceful or assertive as the doctor's usual outraged tone. It seemed as if he was almost reluctant to voice the words at all.

"As we already know where this is headed I feel we should not delve further on that for now. It should just be known that this seems to be the favored move the Admiralty wishes to play." Pike's voice was collected and calm but if one was to listen closely they could find the tension underlying some of the emphasized words (such as Admiralty). Just that underlying tone allowed for it to be known what Pike's views on the matter were. He obviously did not feel the same and perhaps because of this he spoke of them as a separate singularity rather than including himself in the mix.

"Jim? Are you really just going to sit there and not argue any of this? They're planning to ground you for heaven's sake!"

"Doctor McCoy, this is all just talk for now. There is no need to jump to conclusions, but just know that many seem to be in this favor. Especially given the fact that Jim had turned down returning to captaincy."

"Upon your request! You're the one who planted that damn seed into his head."

"Jim was not prepared to Captain either way and we both already know this. Me approaching him was just one additional matter that needed to be addressed. Do you really believe that it would have been better if he jumped right back in? Do you really think it wouldn't have played out that way?"

"And what of the Enterprise? What of the crew? You think they'll just roll over and accept this? Because you bloody well expect an uproar at the mention of such things. They just got the damn kid back! We just got him back!"

"We were thinking of offering Spock captaincy again. The crew seemed to react well to his command during Jim's time away. Everyone would still be offered the same positions they have now; if they wish to remain or unless they request otherwise." The words were spoken again with a practiced ease as the other did not rise to match the levels of the doctor. "The risk of Jim captaining again should be reason enough to convince the others that this is the right decision."

"No! This is the politically correct decision! Not the right one!" McCoy snapped the words back at the Admiral and followed with the sound of clothes rustling and heavy footfalls; all sounds of the good doctor pacing.

"Jim! You better tell him how foolish this is!" The request was borderline pleading and demanding as the words escaped the doctor's mouth. As he once again called attention to the surprisingly silent ex-captain. "You cannot just be alright with this bullshit?"

The room fell silent as the words hung in the air, and yet after several beats of this unsettling emotion a creak of a chair sounded loudly over the silence. A creak as Jim shifted forward and spoke up at last.

"Settle down Bones, Pike is just trying to inform us of what's going on behind the scenes, and within the minds of the Admirals." The words were barely over a whisper and another creak followed by a long exhale gave proof that Jim had settled back into his seat, "Right now there isn't much I can say. I have to think over all the possibilities."

"Did you not hear any of this prior conversation Jim? They are planning to ground you. As in stuck on Earth. As in stuck behind a desk pushing papers! Do you really understand? James T. Kirk behind a desk, kept in check and in place."

"I heard Bones-"

"Well you shouldn't be sitting pretty, you should be more—just, you should be freaking out, or throwing a tantrum, or just something!"

"And what good would causing that kind of commotion do at this point? Isn't an admiral position supposed to be an honor?"

"Honor my ass. You'll lose the Enterprise! You'll lose all of us. Spending months or years waiting for us to return from a mission. Away from your friends…your family! Hell, this will practically tear you and Spock apart."

"Bones."

"I mean, I'll stay on put here with you. So at least there is that, but you can't tell me this is what you want?"

"Bones."

"You are the Captain Jimmy! You're an explorer through and through. This is all sorts of wrong. You can't just allow this!"

"Doctor McCoy!"

Jim addressing the other by title seemed to do the trick in shutting the other man up almost instantaneously. The room fell back into a heavy silence as it remained quiet for several heartbeats.

"I know, alright…I know. But right now, I'm just considering all the possibilities."

XXXXXXXX

Uhura's gasp filled the uncomfortably silent bridge with an almost shocking wave of awareness. She pivoted in her chair, yanking her earpiece out mid turn. She hadn't intended to eavesdrop on such a conversation. However, what was done was done, and there were more important issues now. It had been urgent at the time to inform the Captain, or Admiral Pike, of the incoming message from the Admirals back at Earth. Now, though, that all seemed irrelevant.

"Jim-Jim's planning on taking an Admiral position back on Earth!" She couldn't stop the words from slipping past her lips. Couldn't possibly manage to keep such events to herself.

How could this be? They had all come to an understanding that Jim needed time to heal and collect himself, but it had been all with a belief that afterwards he would be captaining again. Now they were planning to pull him away all together.

"Lieutenant Uhura. Inform me if I am wrong. Your words seem to imply that you have taken it upon yourself to listen in on a private conversation not only of this ship's Captain but of a man who is amongst our Admirals?"

"I…I know how that sounds Spock. I got a message from the other Admirals deemed urgent and figured I would just patch it through quick, but then I overheard them talking about Jim's position on the ship. The Admiralty want to keep him on Earth and Jim's considering taking the position!"

"Nyet!" Chekov spoke up clearly against Nyota's words and in disbelief at what she was trying to inform them. "Ze Keptin vould not leave us. He vill not take a pozition off ze Enterprise because vill put him away from us." He responded almost immediately in denial to any of her claims, but doubt lingered heavily over his words.

"It does make sense though…doesn't it? I mean why has Jim been continuing to turn down captaining? What if he came on board for us? What if this is all just a means to help us cope with the idea of him not captaining anymore? We still get him right now so we're all content, but we are also still growing accustomed to him not being in charge. Than when we finish this mission we return to Earth and Jim gets promoted to that position. We will all be used to the lack of his presence that maybe seeing him after every mission won't be too bad. At least we still will keep in touch with him, and like Pike, Jim will be one of the Admirals on our side helping us along on the politic side."

"Don't say such things! You're making it sound like we'd be okay if he just left us." Nyota gasped out stunned at Sulu's words, "I've been managing Jim not being Captain again only by reassuring myself that he's still here and still planning on returning as Captain. Can you really imagine this ship without Jim?"

"It vould be like he iz gone all over again!" Chekov choked out the words in horror at the possibility, "Nyet! No, ve cannot let zhis happen. We must conwince ze Keptin zhat he must stay. He could not leave us if ve were to ask. He vould not abandon us like that!"

"Spock, you have to speak to him. He'll listen to you!"

Nyota pulled Spock back into the conversation as they finally brought up the matter at hand. Everyone knew that Jim was struggling with returning to captaincy, but they all wanted him to stay on board the Enterprise. To accomplish this they needed to convince Jim not to choose something else. To convince Jim that he was capable of being the Captain.

Jim who had always let them feel important, and as if their opinion on situations mattered enough that he would rather hear them out and incorporate them than just act blindly and drag them down with him. Jim who treated them all as if he was privileged to be in their company and not the other way around. Jim who they had all grown so fond of and who belonged with them. They needed their captain back and they needed him to stay.

So, they could no longer just keep pretending everything was alright. They had given Jim time to cope and had even assisted in making his time on board more welcoming.

Now it was time to intervene, they couldn't prolong this further.

This year would be too painful on everyone without Jim as the Captain, and if he left for good they couldn't imagine how they would survive. So, Nyota stepped forward. She knew that everyone else was too afraid of stepping on toes. Yet, if it meant keeping Jim then she would gladly figure out a way to drag Jim back to the Captain's chair to stay if it took all she had.

She had earlier planned on speaking with Jim about it. Planned on sliding it into conversation during her visits with him. However, she found that faced with such a situation she could not bring herself to do it.

Now, though, here was Spock who could convince Jim. Who was the only one who could truly speak to Jim on such matters and know that the other would truly consider, if not completely accept, his word. Jim would do anything, it seemed, for the Vulcan first officer, and if Nyota had to stoop to that level than so be it.

However, that seemed to be a wishful thought.

"I cannot persuade him to do something he does not wish. I will not force my actions upon him."

Spock's response was professional and clipped and his hands folded effortlessly behind his back as he rose to face down all who had jumped and protested. He was not blind to how this was affecting the others. He had—he was still affected by it himself, but he couldn't disagree with one fact and one alone. Jim didn't believe himself ready, and he trusted Jim above all else; especially when it came to understanding oneself.

"If Jim does not wish to captain this ship then that is his own decision."

"Listen to yourself Spock!" Nyota gasped as the Vulcan gave such an unusual response. "Jim is the captain. He needs to be captain again, but he just doesn't realize it! It's the reason he can't move forward, because he's too strung up on not being back. He won't ever feel whole again if he denies who he is, and Jim is Captain of the USS Enterprise! It's who he is!"

"Jim is many things Nyota. Many of which apply to his character and personality, but Jim is still Jim even while he is not captaining the Enterprise. We have seen this first hand during his attempt to return this past year. He has much to cope with and believes that returning to captaincy will overwhelm him further. Both Doctor McCoy and Admiral Pike agree with this assessment so it is logical to as well."

"He has to be captain," She breathed out reluctantly trying to fight this still. "Can't you see if he can't be captain then he's going to go away. We can't let that happen. He's family. Being on Earth won't help him heal, not without us. Even still just look at Jim's actions over the last month. They speak louder than any words could have. He stops every time he enters the bridge just to gaze longingly at that chair. He hovers just seconds too long after his presence is no longer required just to stay up here as long as he can. Jim wants this, I know it, he's just refusing to let himself see it. He's allowing his hurt to blind him from what he needs! And it's going to take him from us."

"You requested that I listen to myself, now I recommend that you do the same." Spock replied evenly though with a slight softness to his voice. Nyota had and would always remain a close friend ever since their relationship terminated those 3.6 years ago. "Your concern is for Jim to return to captaincy so that he may finally cope. Yet, is this a wish truly for Jim's benefit or for yourself and the rest of the crew?

"Jim is struggling and has returned onto the Enterprise and into space only three months after waking up from a trauma that he tried for an entire year to fight off for our sake. I believe he has taken a much greater step than perhaps he was ready for; all in a desire to appease those of us he holds closest. He is now trying to catch himself up, and I believe that when he is ready, Jim will take that next step and return to captaincy.

"Do you truly wish to push him into taking that step before he is ready? For I would rather him be here in any form, than realize that this was a mistake and he cannot handle it all because he tried to handle more than he was prepared to cope with. If we act as you desire to we may accomplish pushing him away better than a possible Admiral position would."

Spock's brow quirked as Nyota's eyes fell. She hadn't even begun to think about it this way. They had all just assumed Jim would bounce back like he always did. No one really thought past the idea of him returning not for himself but for them; to push himself on their behalf. It was as admiral as it was foolish, and left Nyota feeling slightly guilty for having been too set on what they had believed Jim needed.

"So what is there that we can do?"

"Jim has remained unable to cope with the situation. He has progressed a great deal since his return upon the Enterprise. However, you are correct. I too believe that Jim is blinding himself with his denial to take up Captaincy to realize that such actions may in fact finish the healing he requires."

"What can we do to make him realize that continuing to refuse being Captain isn't helping? You said it yourself that if we push him towards it we could push him away." Sulu pivoted now away from his screen to look at the Vulcan. "How can we help to keep him on board?"

"Perhaps if Jim were to acknowledge on his own that he must return to captaincy. If he were to realize that he truly desires to be Captain again, then we may be able to approach the matter. However, as emotionally unstable as Jim may be he has suppressed much when it comes to this matter. He no longer broaches the topic at all and completely disregards it when brought up. I highly doubt any of us may accomplish bringing about any such changes when it comes to Jim and captaining the Enterprise."

The room seemed to fall silent after these words.

However, the words themselves were not what caused the silence, but the hiss of the door shutting behind Spock. The intake of breath at the very words not meant to be overheard.

XXXXXXXX

"You want me to react emotionally?" Jim breathed out through a suppressed hiss. His fingers curled almost to the point of strain as they held only briefly on to the pad in his hands.

"Jim."

Spock pivoted without hesitation to turn and face the other. Pike and McCoy stood just behind Jim, but were quickly forgotten as Jim's presence practically demanded the attention.

"That was what you all were talking about right? Getting me to react like a normal human would." Jim's eyes pulled away from Spock's to cast a glance around the room at the others were stuck gazing at the scene playing out. However, blue eyes didn't stray for long as Spock's own words pulled him back.

"Is that not how one normally would react in such situations?"

They were not the words anyone would've expected from the Vulcan, but they seemed to do the trick in riling Jim up.

"I don't know!" Jim snapped his hand and the pad slamming down on the nearest surface with a resounding thwap. "How would someone react to such situations, because I haven't met anyone who could relate? Hell, I've been in horrible situations and if this came up I'm pretty sure I'd pity the guy too. Actually maybe even feel good about my own life for a change, because hey! At least my life isn't that bad. But you know what, I can't.

"There isn't anyone who has faced such things, and I don't care. You hear that? I don't care or well I didn't because I figured that, hey, even as low as I have fallen I still somehow managed to have people around who can look me in the eye and not pity my continued existence. I still have someone who would actually risk his own life for what was left of mine." Jim pushed forward toward the Vulcan leaving the shattered pad where it had landed as he forced the other to take a step back. A step away from the rage and hurt and frustration emitting from Jim.

"I didn't take up captaining again. So what? Big deal. Can't it be enough for any of you that I am here right now? That maybe that hero you are expecting to show up again was chipped away during that last war. That maybe this is all I have left to give. Or perhaps that's asking too much?" Jim's eyes swung around the room landing only briefly on all who were present. Landing long enough to drive the guilt to swell up and lodge in their throats.

"No. I must still need fixing because it isn't right of me to want time to just heal…maybe to have time to catch up. Maybe even time to try and sort out my life. Because things have changed. They have changed a lot since I have been back!"

Jim's eyes landed on Spock's again and he scoffed at the pain he saw resonating in the auburn eyes; one more thing to add to his list of mess ups. Now he managed to once again throw his hurt right into his lover's face. Yet, even with seeing this he couldn't find the will to stop now that it was out. Now that they asked for it.

"You want me to cope by getting emotional? Well I fucking hope that was good enough." Jim held his arms out at large as if to show for what just happened. The hand that had once held the pad was littered with shards broken off of the pad and blood slipped off only to go unnoticed.

"You want to know what else Spock? Something I've been really trying hard not to think about. Something you have all truly helped make really hard to deal with!" Jim laughed out a sound practically in hysterics as he let his hands fall once more to his side, "I want more than anything to be captain of this ship again."


AN: So, there is part one of chapter two...roughly 4,000 words so longer than usual (hopefully make up for all the waiting). I'm currently typing up part two which should follow with a part three, possibly four. Expect those up here soon. X )

Hope you enjoyed.