Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.
Warnings: None that I can recall…probably some language, but mild.
AN: Notes are at the end due to possible spoilers...just know that the italics are for a reason. Also I took some liberties because no amount of research really helped me here. I'm just going to go with that b/c of the timeline being changed in the New Original Star Trek movies, the Nexus has changed as well to fit my story (spoilers...sorry to any who didn't know that was coming).
Also for anyone who doesn't know what the Nexus is I'll explain that sorta here but if its still confusing ill go over it more so in the next chapter. When Jim and Spock wake up. And to those who had read this previously I changed a few things and corrected some, but I still wanted to keep this chapter so I brought it back...I just moved it to a more appropriate place.
Please enjoy : )
The One I've Lost
Chapter four:
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"You should not be awake."
Jim's attention drew up and over as a figure stepped forward. He tried to move up and away but when he lifted his arms he was strapped down by an assortment of wires. His breath caught in his throat as he forced down the desire to struggle.
"What's going on, where am I?" His voice was groggy as though he had just woken up from a long nap. The room he was in was dark almost too dark if not for a low-lit light hovering above where he was lying. The figure barely stood out in the light but as she neared he had a better look at her.
She had a humanoid feature to her, aside from the extended neck and three extra eyes, to that of a normal human. As well her skin was a soft lavender shade with a flicker of orange brewing beneath the surface of her skin.
Jim had never encountered such a creature in his time exploring, and yet she felt familiar.
"Have we met before?" The question overlapped his prior one and he knew that because of this he would probably not receive an answer to his first query.
"We have not met, though we know all about you James Kirk. We know of all your suffering, and of all of your accomplishments. We know what brings you joy, anger, and grief. We know you, and yet you have greatly puzzled us. How is it you have awoken from our gift?"
Her use of the plural subtext confused Jim, but no more than her final word. "Gift?" he questioned and paused as an old recollection came to the front of his thoughts. "Nexus."
"We offer you paradise." She spoke and cocked her head to the side in curiosity or dismay. It was hard to tell with her lack of expressions. The loss of a brow with all of the eyes made it a greater challenge to read the emotion in her eyes.
"It's just an illusion. Your paradise is a perfect rendition of the greatest desires within, but at the end it is still not reality." Jim breathed out and his eyes left their evaluating gaze on her to search out for another. "I've had it shown to me that no matter how greatly you are able to capture and reproduce an image…it will never be what the real world can offer. There is no joy or pain equal to that of truth."
"We wish to express condolences for all of your suffering. We off you an escape, and yet you are stronger than what we had originally believed. With your words we perhaps understand your capabilities now, but we regret that our gift has supplied such an alteration from this perfect reality you seek."
She came closer to settle alongside his bed. His eyes lifted to settle upon two sets of hers. He doubted they…she truly understood what he was referring to, and yet her apologies left him confused.
"I had mention of such an event occurring. Being trapped within such a place as this. It was an old friend who warned me, but he believed that with all the alterations to my timeline and the choices that we made would not lead us here. He was wrong then." Jim sighed and looked up at the darkness, how did he end up here? There were gaps in his memory. He had been with his crew staring at the Element. He was angered because Pike had sent spoke over…but then what had happened?
"You express confusion for you presence here? Even though you were warned that such a fate would come, you still doubted?"
Jim's eyes closed at her words. He had not doubted such an event would occur. Instead he had hoped that it would not.
"You are lost James Kirk."
Jim blinked his eyes open at her words, and thought he saw two others mirroring her and yet both different. They faded back into one being and Jim looked solemnly up at her.
"We gave you a life away from the demands of captaining. We gave you the peace that your suffering sought a reprieve from. We supplied to you the gift of peace."
"Peace has never been what I sought." Jim smiled crookedly, "I am an explorer, I thrive Captaining the Enterprise. I…I am best when I am pushed."
Jim tugged at his arms in an attempt to sit up. The woman waved her hands and the wires disappeared. With his arms no longer restricted he sat up and rubbed at his temple.
He wasn't the captain, right now Pike was Captain of the Enterprise. At least until Jim knew that he could step back into the shoes he had long since stumbled out of. He had a family to keep safe. If he could not fill the position, as he once had, then it could be at the cost of all those he held most dear.
"Where are the others? I was on the Enterprise…how did I get here? What happened to all those on board the Space Station Element?" Jim spoke the words barely above a whisper.
"The space station happened to be within collision course. Upon your ships arrival, you tried to prevent such an occurrence. Your ship came to close and could not pull away."
Jim gasped out at this and his eyes darted around the blackness surrounding them. Everyone had been pulled in. Elder Spock had insisted it was Jim who was lost, but now they had all suffered at the hand of the Nexus.
…
…
They were all trapped here.
…
…
"You brought everyone here?" Jim breathed out aghast.
"We saved them all, yes."
His knuckles curled into fists upon his lap. He should have been informed of everything. If he had taken up Captaincy of his ship, then he would have been given all the details. He would have known that the attack on the Element was that of an Energy storm drawing too near.
If he had been Captain then he would have been able to know these facts, before they had even drawn near the endangered space station. He would have been able to recall his talk with Elder Spock, and plan for these events.
Now they all were suffering because he hadn't been prepared to face what would come if he wasn't the same Captain he had been. He wanted to protect them all from the 'what ifs' and endangered them by doing so.
"The Federation space station and the Enterprise?"
"They were an unfortunate loss." The female bowed as if to offer a condolence for such a loss, "However, we had not wished to cause any destruction. We make our way with such great time gaps between that our existence is usually missed. However, it was your ship coming forth that brought about its own demise."
Jim growled out at this. He wasn't sure if the sound was directed towards her or at himself. He was outraged that there was so much that could have been prevented. So much that could have been done to prevent this.
"It was because of your crews need to rescue that brought you in our path."
"W-what are you getting at? They couldn't have known. I wasn't in command at the time, if I had been on the bridge maybe…but there was no way-"
The woman lifted her hand to press it over Jim's lips—silencing his train of thought.
"The past is the past. Your crew is all safe within. It is only you who has struggled accepting our gift."
"It's not a gift! It's a lie." Jim growled pulling away from her and his eyes cast to his lap. His hands clenched further into tight fists and dropped to his sides upon the table. "Stop. Just stop calling it a gift, when we both know that is not what this is. You feed off of the energy the people offer. The Nexus is an energy source. It travels through space and time. You take up all who fall in your path, and you find yourself continuing on. You feed off of them because in here they can live so much longer. Time holds no sway."
His eyes rose up to narrow at her, "Where are the ones you took. Where are the Federation members that existed on the Enterprise and on the Element? They are not yours, they are under my protection, and you will return them to me."
"James Kirk. You have suffered greatly and it follows you. It is a heavy burden lying over your shoulders. You try and escape it but each time you look it still is there."
Her calm voice in response to his demand left him feeling unsteady.
"What do you see? What plagues you that even the offer of peace leaves you feeling threatened? What follows you through your suffering?"
Jim flinched at her question.
For far too long he had been catching glimpses of his fears. He struggled looking at himself. Reflections showed him a shell of the man he was.
He saw a man too broken to fix and a version of himself he never wanted to become. A version of himself he loathed.
"My mind is my own." Jim replied softly and dropped his eyes again. All the tension in his body wilted away.
This fear had followed him day after day. It grew worse ever since boarding the Enterprise. Here he was constantly reminded of what he was not. He could pretend all was well, up until he saw himself. He couldn't lie to himself. His image showed him the truths of the emptiness he had become. Of the ones who haunted him through his time spent on board the Romulan ship.
"You have been lost, why then refuse our reprieve? We can offer you a place where you can become that man once again. We can give you your strength and you will continue never letting your family down. Never will anyone be harmed."
Jim let his eyes drift shut at such a promise. Is that not what he wanted?
"You are left drifting from your fears…allow us to settle you." She breathed out, and her words sounded so satisfying.
While trapped in his own mind he had asked Spock to remain. There he would never have to face the shell he had become on the outside. There he would never have to face all those he would disappoint.
Yet Spock had told him the mirage would never give him what he sought.
"…Spock…"
He looked up at her, and choked on the thought that once again he had debated giving everything up. His head shook in refusal to sink that low once again, and he tried to speak as levelly as he could muster, "Where are the survivors? You said you had all those from the space station and the Enterprise. You will return them to me."
"You threaten a balance that has already been put into place. Our gift was meant to keep you from expressing any desire to leave. You cannot take what we have gained. They are unlike you, they have accepted our gifts by their continued rest."
She gestured beyond them.
…
…
The room washed full of light and Jim breathed out heavily at the sight before him.
His crew and all others were spread out, reaching further then his eye could see. Thousands of people, he had given the Nexus thousands of people by refusing to Captain.
…
…
His eyes caught onto a certain blue, and he was up without hesitation.
She could not prevent him, no more than the lag in his legs. He stumbled multiple times as his body tried to regain the strength it had lost. Yet, his progression forward did not halt until he was before his Vulcan.
The science blues were as pristine as always. His immaculate lover, Spock was there just within his reach, asleep and unmoving.
He reached out and shook Spock in an attempt to rouse him from the induced dreams, but it was to no avail. His fingers stroked across his Vulcan's high cheeks, and felt relief at the prickle of the bond ringing with the touch.
He leaned down and pressed his lips against the impassive others. This Spock was cold towards him, lifeless in his unconscious state. As he was currently, he was not the Spock that Jim sought out, Jim wanted the small flecks of emotions in bright auburn eyes. He wanted the warmth of his touch, and the gentleness offered through hands he knew were strong enough to break him, and yet held so much control. He wanted him alive and well, not dead to the world as he was now in this forced slumber.
With little effort he brushed his lips down to whisper against the Vulcan's ears, "…Don't leave me…wake up, Spock…"
…
…
"Why is it you awoke?"
Jim stood up straight and pulled apart from his hovering position.
"You cannot trick me no matter how convincing a game you play. Any world that you create for me will not be whole. I would be missing my other half and would subconsciously seek it out." Jim turned to look at her approach once again, "If you know me, as you say you do. Then you would know that I will always fight for what is important. I don't let anything stop me."
He stood proudly as he positioned himself fully between the female and his mate. He wouldn't let them near what was his to protect.
"James Kirk, we will give you a counter offer." She stopped just before him and looked at what Jim was guarding. "Take it and we will offer you the reprieve you seek."
"You expect me to just accept being thrown back into a false reality? After I already informed you that there is no world you can create that I will not find to be false. I refuse your offer, now you will return my crew and those on board the Element back to where we belong."
His command was direct and his dismissal plain. He was growing tired of dancing around the matter at hand. He had been awake too long already, and he wasn't going to just accept and let the others remain trapped as well. Now, all he wished for was to have everyone returned. He was done running.
"We express condolences at the suffering we have caused you. However, we cannot allow such a thing to occur. We have already informed you they are already a part of the balance. You had managed to escape our world given. If you wish it, then we can return you to wherever you wish to go. You have always been important to the timeline, and it will be a great gain to have you returned. We are unable to give you anything else, you will have to choose if you wish to go or if you would rather state, but only you are capable of leaving.
The female bowed low and lifted Jim's chin.
The shock of the touch left Jim straining not to back away.
"If we give you what you wish then we will suffer. It may alter many courses beyond our own perception…we may even cease to exist if such a great unbalance were to occur. Either take our gift or leave."
"You are unsure what will happen. Odds are you existed without them than you can exist without them once again. The risk is not that great. You cannot have all of these people. This is too great a cost!" Jim's eyes narrowed once more and he took a step back and away from her.
"Do you wish to reunite with your mate?"
Jim stilled at the words and all anger and frustration fluttered away as concern returned full force. His eyes flashed behind him to Spock lying still as death. Would they truly use the other as a means to persuade Jim's hand in the matter? He wouldn't just sit back and let this happen.
"Don't you talk about him!"
"Do you wish to return to your fiancé?"
The bond between himself and Spock seemed to thrum at the knowledge of them being parted. It ached and felt like a piercing scream calling Jim's awareness to it. The loss would be too great. Jim knew that something had changed when he returned. His connection with Spock was a reminder of what he had overcome, and what he had to continue fighting for. It was a thrum that he could not live without; it was a comfort that had become a piece of his life.
"Stop."
"If you remain we will give you what you seek. We can offer you paradise alongside him."
Jim slumped to the ground his hands covering his face as he tried to drive away whatever was going on around him. This wasn't right. Spock was here...Spock was just within reach. Of course he wasn't able to rouse him, and was at the mercy of those who held them.
"No…don't."
"Do you wish to be with him once more?"
Yes. Yes, please. He needed to see Spock's eyes again. It felt like decades since he had seen him, and yet it could have just been hours ago. He needed reassurance that the other was there before him and truly safe. He knew what the cost would be to do what she was asking.
His eyes looked up to the rows upon rows of slumbering people. He had saved so many more than those who were within this room. Time and again, he was always the one to save everyone. It was always a burden he had to carry.
Why couldn't he just let it go this one time? Why couldn't he be given peace?
"Please, stop. I cannot do what you're asking, do not tempt me. I will not allow you to remove so many from existence."
"If you wish to leave we will not stop you, but only you will leave. The others cannot follow, if you wish to go…know that he will never be within your reach again."
More than anything else, this was something he could not accept. He needed Spock almost as much as he needed breathing. Spock gave him the strength to wash away all his pain and loosen the weight he continued to place on his shoulders.
"I will not leave here without him."
"James Kirk you will take our gift?"
No...he couldn't agree to such a thing. Not with the knowledge he held.
Yet, he couldn't leave without all these people. It was too great a risk to accept such a thing, for escaping once was a challenge on its own. They couldn't convince him, for he feared he would truly be lost here.
"Understand that, if you accept this we will offer you a forever with your Vulcan, but the others will be unable to follow where you go. It will be too great a risk to keep them close. Your paradise will not be the peace you seek, but a world of your own creation. It will be a world that you will believe."
He couldn't do this. He needed to find a way out. There were too many lives to try and escape with. Waking them all was futile.
His breath left him with a harsh huff. His knees slid out from beneath him so that he would drop more fully to the ground below. He couldn't do this on his own. Spock and his crew was here, and he couldn't get them away from this on his own.
"I cannot blindly accept this…"
"That is our offer. Do you not wish to remain with your love?"
His mind was pounding with all the possibilities being tossed to the side. Of all the plans that had no good ending. How was he supposed to do this?
"I will not part from him, no." Jim replied evenly.
…
…
"James Kirk you will take our gift."
…
…
He ducked his head in a nod.
…
…
"This time you will find the world you seek. You will have your courage and fight your fight. In the end you will be given your Spock and find yourself."
"If I wake again?" Jim questioned, "What happens when your reality falls away once again?"
"You are lost, we are offering a place to find yourself and return to the side of the one you love. Will you not give everything to remain at his side?"
Even in their minds together, Spock wouldn't be there. Not as Jim wanted him. Spock was out here, but he was trapped this time within his own mind. It was Jim's turn to delve in and dig him out. He would do anything to help Spock as the Vulcan had helped him. He would bring Spock back. Spock would wake up again.
"If I wake again, If you fail to achieve what you believe this will accomplish. Then you will let them all go. If you believe that you are capable of such a feat. If you hold no doubts of your own capabilities, than you shouldn't fear this challenge I offer. If I am such a monumental figure in time, then the cost of one should be enough for the cost of the many. If I fail than it will cost you nothing."
"Why would we agree when you have nothing to barter with? You wish to remain with your loved ones. We already know that we have you."
"You also know who I am and what I am capable of. If there was ever an individual that could tear apart the Nexus…do you doubt that it would be me?"
He rose up as he spoke. He held the gaze of the female. He was risking everything. He was giving up all he had and more. All of these people, and he was betting it all on a bluff. Yet, if he had to…he would tear the Nexus down to return them…to bring them back.
"You're threat is a bluff." She replied though her words were not spoken with the air of confidence she had held before.
…
…
"Is it?"
…
…
"Very well."
She stepped forward, crowding close to him. Unwillingly he took a step back and felt the cold press of metal through his clothes. She pushed him back and he fell down upon an empty bed once more.
With little movement she managed to grasp a hold of his hand and place it within Spock's own. Jim clasped out automatically; intertwining their hands.
"We will see what you are capable of."
Jim's eyes began to fall heavily and in those last moments of clarity he breathed out, "open your eyes…open your eyes…wake up…"
AN: Just so you don't all think I'm insane for writing this…or become angry because something doesn't make sense. This is a recollection. This was a past event. If parts of this sound familiar it's because Jim had changed the events in his own subconscious to better fit the events that had played out. I wrote something like this earlier (cough*meeting the elders*cough).
These were how the events really went, what we had seen were the altered version. Basically his mind screaming to remember, but him not being able to concentrate on seeing past what was important at the time (a.k.a. Spock missing).
Figured I'd actually explain it this time since it's been forever since I last updated, and I'm trying to make up for that now...sob!
AN2: Oh, also. Next chapter is written and I'm gonna sleep on it so that I can reread it with fresh eyes, but I think that is it. It came out wrapping everything up nicely. I'll have an epilogue following it, but that should be it. Just the two posts.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed : )
