Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine nor do I claim to own it. This is purely a work of fiction.

Warnings: Um...this is pretty mild. No super action-y scenes. Possibly some language and really light mxm, no smut.

AN: So, what to say. Well I wrote this and actually liked how it ended enough so that I'm good to call this it. I'll add an epilogue following this chapter, but that should be it unless of course it bleeds over. I'm fine with the epilogue being just one long chapter if that's what it needs to be.

Anyway this chapter...well, its mellow in terms of how the rest of the story and how Even the Stars went, which is different. Yet, oddly I enjoyed how this came out. I hope that you all will as well.

Sorry if the characters and writing style has change some from the beginning, I reread both this story and EtS but its been awhile and I've changed a lot since then. Just know I tried to make it all sound as similar as possible, and I hope it reads alright.

Please enjoy : )


XXXXXXXX

The One I've Lost

Chapter five:

XX

Jim woke up first.

He wasn't surprised this time when he found himself back in the darkness that he had woken in last time. Similar to the last time, their was a dim light hanging just above the place he was laid out. Yet, unlike last time, there was a second light to his right.

Jim turned his head at this to look over at what the light was illuminating.

"…Spock…"

The other was sprawled out upon a surface similar to that of a bio-bed, and what Jim could only imagine was the same for himself. They both were strung up by wires, same as last time. Yet, as he turned to look over at Spock he noted a heaviness to his right arm, and smiled at the sight of the Vulcan's hand caught up in his own.

Their minds, together as one. They made sure Jim would find the real Spock there within his mind.

It made since now. The Nexus supplied a world of their own creation. For it to be believable they allowed Jim's own mind to create what was supplied, and he fed off of what was around him.

The conversation he had with the woman had turned into a conversation he had held with the elders. The locket that had haunted him from his time with the Romulans, returned as the same reminder it had held before. The reminder being: that this was not the correct version of himself, that he had been put there for the convenience of another. That eventually he would have to return to himself, and to the Nexus.

He had created a scenario to put him back as the Captain he longed to be. He had lost Spock first due to the Nexus hitting the element first, and his mind supplied that same scenario in his mind. Though, instead of losing Spock to the Nexus he lost Spock to a universe mirroring their own.

He had seen Spock cold and unmovable before he had slipped under, and that Spock became embodied within his mind. Yet, he had lost Spock in the world he created, and would not leave the other to fend on his own…so he gave Spock another him. Someone strong enough to match the universes' Spock but also still compassionate enough to aide in Spock's desire to reunite with his own Jim.

Then there were the images. He saw continued flashes of auburn eyes, and a scenario that was likely to explain the events that had been terrorizing him since his return to the Enterprise. Yet, he had never seen another universe during his time trapped in the mirror.

Jim had struggled over all that he had suffered while having been a hostage upon the Romulan ship. He had been brutally beaten time and again. He had been isolated to a room and suffered greatly when he was torn from his mind to exist in two places at once. These events plagued his mind, and he struggled still to remember that he had truly escaped those confines.

He flinched from his own reflections since boarding the Enterprise, but only because he feared that he would find himself back in that room upon the Romulan ship. He feared that he was never going to be the Jim he longed to be again.

His mind was cruel for creating such a horrendous nightmare to live out. They had not lied when they told him he would not find peace going under this time around.

He felt guilt wash over him at the realization that he dragged Spock into that nightmare with him, but he held no regrets. He couldn't feel remorse, not when he achieved what he had gone in for.

His thoughts were drawn away from all of this when the hand in his own tightened. It was just a minuscule amount, yet it announced to Jim that the was waking. This brought Jim's attention to the bond that they shared, it thrummed pleasantly in the back of his mind as his beloved began to pull away from the hold the Nexus held on him.

This was right.

XXXXXXXX

Spock's eyes blinked open and Jim could already understand the grogginess that came from waking from the induced sleep. He had not felt it as much the second time, yet he could already see that Spock was experiencing it.

He knew that for a Vulcan, who prided himself on knowing his surroundings and retaining some form of control of oneself, this was an unwelcomed wake up.

He squeezed Spock's hand and rubbed soothingly along his palm to offer something to grab a hold of. He hoped, that in doing so, his presence could offer the Vulcan a balance. Something to latch onto until Spock could regain his footing.

The touch also brought with it the happy side-effect of drawing Spock's attention over towards Jim.

"Morning." The words were a semblance of normality; where there was none to really offer here.

Spock's eyes left Jim's, briefly, to glance around their surrounding but all he would come away with was darkness. This realization irritated the Vulcan, and Jim smiled knowing that if not for the furrow slightly in Spock's brow he never would have been aware the Vulcan's mood had changed at all.

"That heavy feeling of sleep will wear off, it just takes a bit. When you're under for so long it takes a while to come back."

Jim's thumb continued to stroke a pattern into the Vulcan's skin. He was offering comfort as well as seeking the reassurance the touch gave with it.

"I can feel you again." He smiled softly and earned Spock's gaze once again.

"Jim." The sound of his name was softly spoken and came with a longing they both shared.

It didn't matter if what the Nexus supplied never existed. They had felt as though they had been parted for all of that time. The only comfort Jim could take was that he had had a hold of Spock for as long as they were under—he had just not been aware of it until he awoke.

Jim tried to sit up but knew the wires would keep him in place. Forgoing that, he turned as much as he could towards the Vulcan. "Let me help you catch your bearings, Mr. Spock." Jim hmm'd, the words softly spoken.

He knew the team surrounded them, and that he needed to get them all off the Nexus. Yet, at the moment his biggest concern was Spock. Right now he was going to make sure his Vulcan was alright, before he went about anything else.

...

...

"This is not the first time you have woken here?" Spock questioned and now his brows furrowed openly with concern. Jim knew that look. Spock's question sparked a dozen others within his own mind, and he was struggling with answering any of them.

"Hey, hey…you're off because you've been asleep for quite awhile. Where we are, there isn't really a sway of time. It's a rift in time. Do…do you recall the conversation I had with Elder you? It was some time back and you had only briefly glanced over it in consideration of my privacy, thank you for that by the way."

Jim smiled and received a softening of the tension around Spock's eyes for the gesture.

"I can recall the timeframe you are discussing."

Jim's mentioning of such an occurrence, seemed to reassure Spock to some degree. He knew at least that they had actually encountered the events leading up to the war against the Federation, as well as getting Jim back on board the Enterprise and home to Earth. For Jim had only met and had such a conversation after they had already returned to Earth.

"When we got to the Element we were arriving just in time to witness it falling into the path of the entity called the Nexus. I…you had already gone over with three security detail when that happened, I couldn't prevent anything. Our ship was too close, and we got dragged in as well."

His other hand jerked in its confines, as he longed to run his fingers through his hair.

His frustration at having been able to do nothing left him itching to move about, and running a hand through his hair had always been a way to quell that urge. With his left hand strung up and his right hand caught in Spock's own, he forfeited the motion. He was not going to release his hold on Spock, and his free hand, for such a small gesture. Instead he would just stifle it until later.

Without achieving the goal for the initial pause, he carried on with his explanation.

"From what Elder Spock described it to be, it is some sort of temporal energy ribbon, it travels through space and time. His crew faced it many years later in their life, and I don't believe we were ever supposed to cross it this soon. It was probably due to the war putting us in touch with the Element that changed many things, I don't think we were ever meant to travel over this way.

"Unfortunately, those that their crew had saved from the Nexus were only saved from outside of its clutches. Once you're inside…you aren't supposed to want to leave. You're not supposed to wake up."

It was Spock who clasped his hand tighter this time.

"You woke up?"

Jim dipped his head in a nod, "Yah, I figured it out pretty quick. I know what to look for when it comes to you. I know what you feel like out here, instead of in my mind."

His eyes swept over Spock's shoulders and into the darkness surrounding them. "Everyone is here Spock, thousands of us. All of our crew, all of the Elements' crew, everyone is in here. They had families on that space station; our crew has families back home. We can't stay here, I knew that. So, I needed to wake up."

"I express confusion still, if you had woken up, why then did you not just go about waking the rest of us?"

At the question, Jim couldn't help the small smirk that bloomed upon his face. "I tried. I couldn't shake you out of it...you were in too deep." He responded quietly and returned to fully appraise the other.

Spock was finally coming out of the fog, that was apparent now. The grogginess that came with having been asleep so long was clearing from his eyes and features. Whatever bearings still remained unstable, were set aside for the Vulcan. He was slowly piecing everything together and like a kick start his mind was coming back.

It left the bond between them thrumming to life.

It left Jim breathing out a long overdue sigh of relief. For, at long last, he could feel Spock's mirrored affection through their touch and he knew that things were going to work out now.

...

...

"He had been given an opportunity to leave the Nexus. However, he refused to do so without the rest of you."

...

...

Just as she had last time, the female from before stepped forward from the darkness and emerged as if from nowhere.

"Welcome, once again James Kirk. Unfortunately, we have been expecting you." Like last, time the wires vanished with little more than a wave of her hand.

Almost instantly Spock was up and placing himself between her and Jim.

"Explain yourself, who are? You have taken thousands of Star Fleet personal hostage. It is safe to assume that among all of those who you took, you have also taken a Federation Admiral and several high ranking offers. This is an offense of an intense-"

"Spock," Jim cut over Spock's list of accusations, "they are not affected by our time, nor our laws and regulations. They're not going to care about if they broke some rules, and if I'm correct she is not really even a physical being."

Jim pushed up to sit and gained aide this time as Spock pivoted just enough to pull Jim closer, and place him further from this woman's path.

"Spock…" Jim admonished, speaking his name aloud once again at the Vulcan's foolish actions, but knew the other still remained disoriented from all that was transpiring. He could forgive the Vulcan for reacting irrationally.

"We are what some would call an echo." She considered aloud, ignoring the interaction between the two.

Elder Spock had explained this to him somewhat. This was merely a form the Nexus was taking so it could communicate with Jim. It was no wonder his mind sought out to name the elders, SuxeN. It was a backwards version of what they were NexuS.

"Your lover was able to break away from the reality that we created for him. He informed us that there was no reality that we could create that would supply him with the peace we offered. Not as long as you were not there beside him. Without you he would always remain aware.

"To prevent him from waking a second time we supplied him with a new reality of his own mind's creation. It would be a world believable to him, because it was through him that it was formed. With that we also gave him you. Yet, you have woken once again. Explain yourself? We accounted for everything. How is it you have woken again?"

Jim threw his legs over the side to stand up alongside Spock. This way he was able to face the other fully and not have his Vulcan protection to speak through.

"This time you didn't catch me unprepared. This time I was aware before I went under." Jim's remark seemed to puzzle her further, "My mind tried to supply a reasonable explanation for all of the memories I recalled from my time spent with you, but in doing so it left some inconsistencies. In those inconsistencies I left myself clues.

"You see, I knew that I had to go in to pull Spock out of your makeshift world that held him under. You would not give him back otherwise. I also knew I could not stay under, not after knowing all that I was leaving behind out here."

She stepped forward and met Jim's eyes. "You are an anomaly, James Kirk."

"I have been told that once or twice before." Jim hummed and stroked at the hand within his own. Spock had fallen silent as the conversation spurred between Jim and the female entity, and Jim reluctantly turned his attention to his bonded one. "She was here when I woke last time, Spock. If she wanted to get rid of me or cause me harm she would have done so then instead of now, relax."

His eyes flicked back over to stare at her once more as he knew it was time to draw this to a close. Right now they were trapped here, but that could be changed.

"You must let them go, now. You had failed to keep me under once again." Jim replied evenly, "Everyone, from both the Element and the Enterprise."

"And where shall we put them all?" She spoke and did not try and conceal her distaste for the turn of events.

"Put them back where they belong. I know that here, time holds no sway. Go back to before they were pulled in, and return them all. By doing this you should alter the Nexus' timeline, and this time you will keep it away from that location.

"Having both exist at one moment in time, should produce an energy source. Through combining with the Nexus from that moment you should gain the energy you fear you will lose. Then you will remove yourself from this timeline, completely. Take us back to before you struck the Element, and before any permanent destruction befell it or my ship. Then go, and don't come back."

"Doing what you ask may also completely remove us from existence. The end result is too unpredictable. It is too great a risk." She calmly placed her hands out as if to show that it was out of her control. It was basically a diplomatic or soft version of a shrug.

It was not acceptable.

"Then you will fall out of existence." Jim's voice was level as he stared down the echo of a being so great it could pass through time and space. "You should never have crossed our paths, and when you did you made the mistake of taking me and my crew."

Jim stepped forward and past Spock to stand his own before her.

"Now, wake them, and let us go."

Her lips pulled tightly into a thin line at this, and Jim could see the argument building up within her.

"Please don't make me threaten you again. You took people under my protection, now return them to me." He finally managed to raise a hand up to scrub through his hair, this time in irritation at the woman's continued refusal. "I have spent much of my life giving all that I had in protecting others. I pushed many people away from harm at the cost of my own person. Time and again I let myself believe that it was better if it was me than them."

Jim pushed away from Spock while he spoke. His hand slipping from the Vulcan's as he moved over to the table Spock had just been. He trailed his fingers across the dark surface.

"My return last time opened my eyes to see that my loss affected those around me. I was hurting those I wished to protect just as much as the ones initially causing the attack. I was causing hurt, in a different manner.

"You see at some point I had forgotten what it was like to depend on another. Sure, to a degree I let others in, but it was always with the knowledge that at the end, I'd rather it be me than them. The closer I was to the person the greater I felt towards this."

He tapped his fingers against the surface enjoying the clang that came from the action.

"I thank you for my time here, even if it was not overly enjoyable.

"Without being a part of that world I probably would have kept on going for some time still without realizing I had been keeping that distance. I need to trust my crew to have my back. A captain is nothing without his crew. I was lost because I had lost that trust. I had lost the will to remain with those I had held most dear.

"You let me see that there are situations I am unable to solve on my own, but those are the times I can trust my crew to have my back. For that I am thankful to you, but you don't want me as an enemy. Keeping them from me, will force my hand. So, I ask once again let us go. I won't leave here without them, just as I refused to leave without Spock."

"You expect it to be just that simple?"

Jim looked up at her. Her words left a tension settling along his jaw, "Yes." Jim's reply was curt and spoken evenly. He knew that it shouldn't take something as powerful as the Nexus more than a small effort to grant such a task. "You see, I have a future waiting for me out there. I promised it away to my Vulcan. My crew they also have futures waiting for them out there. We don't belong in here, and no version of reality you offer will make up for all those possibilities lost."

...

...

The risk of losing to James T. Kirk vs the probability of the Nexus surviving the lose of the crew tilted in the favor of the later.

The decision was made.

With a curt nod the female spoke up. She seemed reluctant to do so, but did not hesitate voice the verdict aloud.

...

...

"Very well, James Kirk, we will return you and those under your protection. We are not a violent type, we exist and in doing so many have crossed our path. To those we have offered reprieve. It is obvious now that reprieve is not kindly taken to you and yours. We can respect that, and will give you what you ask."

...

...

With the decision settled upon, the woman vanished.

Before Jim or Spock could make any comment on the matter the lights throughout the room came to life. They started as dim as the ones above Spock and Jim, but almost instantly the brightness began to grow. Soon the light was bordering on a blinding level, and it left Jim reeling back from the onslaught.

He could only imagine the toll it was taking on Spock. The Vulcan had always had heightened senses, and yet, as Jim stumbled backward he fell into the protection of Spock's arms. The light grew brighter still and he turned his head away to duck into the Vulcan's chest.

Was this an attack?

Had the Nexus lied to them?

Was this all just a rebuttal against Jim's demands?

Jim felt Spock's arms blanket around him like a fierce grip. Whatever was to come, they'd face it together this time. They both were sick of being separated again and again.

...

...

Only when the brightness seemed too overbearing did the darkness fall around them, pulling them along with it.

XXXX

Jim woke up to the sound of the Vulcan setting about his morning routine. However, he knew somewhere in his sleep muddled mind that it was hours too early for the other to be up and moving around.

"Spock…cold. Come back." Jim breathed reaching his arm out to the other but barely getting it far before it fell to drape over the Vulcan's side of the bed.

The feeling of deja vu settled like a splash of cold water to all of his senses and he shot upright. He had lived this moment already once before!

His eyes flew across the room to seek out Spock, but he hadn't needed to search very far. Sitting up at the end of the bed was his Vulcan.

Spock's lips did nothing to muster the smile that pulled upon his lips at the sight of Jim upon their bed.

"I had hoped to let you rest for a while still." Spock's words were soft but he didn't hesitate to make his way across the bed and curl into the shape of Jim. His hands trailed the length of the other to settle on Jim's hips.

"It is strange, the communicator has gone off multiple times since our return, and a part of me knows that I am to report to the bridge. I am meant to travel to the Space Station Element, this day. I know this because I have been in this event already once before."

"Are you going to go to the bridge?" Jim questioned just as softly. He had pressed into Spock as the other pulled him close, and he lay heavily into the embrace. Fingers moved from there rest on his hips to trail up the length of his spine then back down, again and again they continued this action.

He thrilled at even the simple touch.

"I believe if we prolong returning to the crew they will come in search of us for fear something is amiss."

"For shame, Spock. You did not answer your comm when being hailed." Jim muttered with amusement, but peppered kisses to the Vulcan's collar. "I watched you die today. Well, at the time I thought you had been blown up along with the Element, then I found out you were still alive. You were just lost in another universe. It...it felt like you were gone though."

As he spoke the amusement began to fade from his voice. Between each press of his lips to skin, Spock could feel the emotions that these thoughts brought to the surface.

"It was strange waking up on a planet I had long since mourned." Spock added his own thoughts on his time spent under the thrall of the Nexus, and having woken in such a universe, "It was stranger still to wake to find myself at gun point by none other then you."

The next press of lips to skin had the tug of a smile stretching the muscles.

"I took the ship back from Pike. I used mutiny against everyone, and stole the ship after reaching the nearest space station. I gave just long enough to let all those who survived off our ship before I kidnapped it and took off to find you. So, of course our alpha crew was there every step of the way. I thought they would be with me when I crossed over. I couldn't get to you on my own...It took so long to get to you."

Spock stroked along Jim's jaw line and tilted the other up to trade a gentle kiss, "You took as long as you needed, Jim. You rescued the crew and myself, but suffered alone because of it."

"It made me realize just how important my crew is to me, and how devastating I would be without them. I'm a better person here. I'm stronger knowing that I have people to fall on if the need ever arises."

Jim pressed a lingering kiss to Spock's lips before sitting up, "Come on. Let's go get my ship back. I think I've extended my return to Captaincy long enough, and I'm sure everyone up there is realizing that our journey here was no longer necessary. The Element shouldn't be facing any more danger."

"Very well, Ashayam" Spock rose up as well and stroked up to rest his hand upon the nape of Jim's neck, "I will gladly aid you however I can, Captain."

"It will be good to be back, I missed my chair." Jim smirked moving to stand up and seek out more appropriate attire.

"I express concern that during your time away from Captaincy, the chair is what you recall missing most."

Jim peeked back into the room from where he had vanished into the bathroom, "Among other things." He grinned and winked before sliding back into the other room, "Join me, First Officer Spock?"

The sound of the shower switching on caused the Vulcan's brow to raise up.

"Always, Captain."


AN: So, yah...just the epilogue left where we'll have Jim rejoin the crew, and whatever else I feel like adding up to and including Jim grabbing his Captain's chair again. Hope you all enjoyed it, and thanks to everyone who reviewed. I appreciate all the support. Sorry again it took so long to get us here.