Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the reviews, favourites and follows! They're highly appreciated! First I thought that I'd update this story once a week but I'm too impatient for that, so here goes Chapter 2, I hope you like it :) !


"You okay?"

Tommy stands just beside me. He looks at me sympathetically and I can feel Annie taking hold of my hand and squeezing it lightly. They're both so worried about me it makes me sick.

"Yes", I answer immediately. I'm so tired of people asking me if I'm okay and if everything is alright. And they always give me that same sad and apologetic look and I hate it. I just wish that everyone would leave me alone and stop treating me like a widow.

Because every time someone brings up my pain and loss, they remind me of him and I just can't take it. So, I wear a mask and smile and say that I'm okay and thank you and then walk away, before anyone can see.

I'm not going to let anyone make me think about him. I hate when people speak his name around me. I don't want to hear it, it makes the pain so much worse. It's easier to block it all out.

And that's what I've been doing these last weeks while organizing his funeral. Falling apart at the office and crying my heart out against Cho's shoulder was the last and only time I really grieved him and cried over him. I still do, far more often than I want to, but blocking everything out gets easier day by day. I know I can't go on like this forever, but right now it's the only thing I can do to be able to go on.

We're all standing beside his grave and putting down our flowers. Everyone's saying such kind words to him but I can't listen to them, so I close my eyes and take a deep breath and try very hard not to think about anything.

Annie puts hers and Tommy's flowers down and she wipes the tears away from her face. She seems always so grown up and tough but right now she seems like a six year old and I just want to give her a tight hug. I never realized even she'd miss him like this.

She says something beautiful through her tears but her last words make me shiver.

"I just wish you hadn't left Aunt Reese like this. She misses you so much. You were so important to her."

Annie walks away from the grave and I realize it's my turn. I walk next to his grave feeling numb. I put down my flowers but say nothing. I don't even cry. It feels like everyone is waiting for me to say something really heart-breaking and burst into tears but those words and tears are not for them and finally they start to walk away from the graveyard.

"I'll be there in a minute", I whisper to Tommy and he gives me a worried look but says nothing. I turn my eyes back to Jane's grave and watch his name engraved in stone.

Although I fight to ignore the pain, it takes over. My chest aches and I can hardly breathe.

"Hi", I whisper quietly to him with a shaky voice. "I'm so sorry. I can't think about you, it makes everything so much worse, but you've been through the same so you understand. Maybe someday I'm ready to remember you without the pain, but not yet. I just hope you're with Angela and Charlotte. I hope you're finally happy and free, wherever you are."

I stare at the grave and feel tears burning in my eyes but I blink them away angrily.

"I'm pretty sure you always knew how much I loved you. I just wish I could have had the chance to tell you it myself."

I want to say something more, tell him all the things I loved about him, how much I miss him and tell him just how sorry I am. I also want to yell at him for doing this, I wish he'd given me a chance to say goodbye. I wish he'd given me a chance to say all the things left unsaid. I wish he hadn't given up.

There's so much I want to say to him, but he's not here anymore. He's not going to hear me, he's not going to care so I turn away and leave.


"It was a beautiful funeral", I can hear Van Pelt saying. We've all returned back to work and I'm so happy about that. Just sitting alone in my home was too much, I couldn't bear all the thoughts and memories and all the silence. So I blocked everything out and instead started running every day. I started early in the morning and didn't finish until late in the evening, so tired that my feet failed me.

But still I couldn't fall into a dreamless sleep. I could block the pain out when I was awake but in my dreams…

I really don't want to think about them.

"I really loved it." I snap back to the reality realizing Van Pelt is still talking to me. "It was just what Jane would have wanted. Thank you for that, Lisbon."

I just stare numbly at Van Pelt. That's what she's been doing constantly since she returned. Talking about Jane with everybody. About the funeral, about how much she misses him and I just can't take it. Why does everyone have to talk about him all the time? It makes blocking out the pain almost impossible.

"I still miss him so bad", she sighs and I can see tears starting to gather in her eyes. "It feels so empty without him. He really was a part of a family, a really big part, I can't even imagine how you must feel like –"

I stand up in the middle of her sentence and walk away before she falls apart.


"These are for you."

I take one of the boxes from Cho and peek inside and immediately wish I hadn't. There's Jane's belongings. I can see his tea mug and his suit jacket and all the Red John files and everything. For a while I'm afraid that the pain takes over, but I've blocked everything away so carefully for such a long time now, so I'm not going to break. My mask is as perfect as ever.

"Why?" I just ask unable to put the box away, although I know I should. I can already feel a familiar scent of him coming from his suit jacket. It's not that strong, but it lingers in the air and makes my heart ache in a way I can't take.

"You were his closest family", Cho just says. "We all thought you'd want these. And he'd want you to have them."

Of course I don't want them, because they'll make the pain worse. They'll make me think about him and I'm not ready for that. I will never be ready for that.

But when he says, that Jane would have wanted me to have these, how can I say no? I'd do anything for him and Cho knows that.

"Thank you", I just say and take all the boxes. Cho's got that "I'm here, if you want to talk" – expression on his face, apologetic and sad. They all have been looking at me with that expression for far too long. I don't need their pity, I don't need their words, I just need to be left alone.

"You want to talk about it?" he asks just in case but my mask is back.

"Never."

I walk away from him and back to my office and put the boxes away. I know I'm not going to open them for a long time, I'm just going to pretend that they're not there.

I try to concentrate on my work and I thought coming back to work would make me feel better. But it doesn't, because this is the place where I spent every single day with him. I can almost see him making his tea in the break room, I can hear his laughter, I can see him sleeping on his couch.

I haven't been to his attic because it reminds me too much of him. But now every place reminds me of him. My gaze wanders to my own couch and it feels like he's here too.

I can't try to pretend that he has never been here. He's part of everything in here. He's a part of me that I can never forget, never let go.

I bury my face into my hands and try to think. I know I should grieve him properly, I can't keep on blocking the pain out forever, it will happen sooner or later. I have to walk right through the pain, there's no escaping it.

Was this how he felt after Angela died? I keep thinking. Was the pain of losing someone you loved, from the bottom of your heart, really this unbearable? Would it ever go away?

I stare at the papers on my desk but can't concentrate. I can feel panic bubbling inside me and I need something to distract me. I can't think about him or I start to cry. Now, quickly, do something else. But what, what is there left for me to do without -

Suddenly it flashes in front of me like a lightning. I rise and take one of the boxes and not looking at his other things I grab all his Red John files. How could I've not thought about this earlier? It's been only a few months after his death but still, I should've figured out this a lot sooner.

There's still something for me too. My final gift to him. I'll make him free, once and for all, I owe him that much.

I'll finish his revenge for him.