Author's Note: Hey everyone, I'm back again! Sorry for this little break from updating, next chapter will be updated sooner :) And next week my summer holiday starts, so I'll be able to write a lot more! I originally planned this story to have only about four chapters but now it looks like there will be about eight chapters or so. I hope that's not a bad thing :) !


We killed Red John only few days ago and already I'm starting to lose it. When I chased Red John, I had a purpose, something that made me keep on going.

Now I have nothing to keep Jane with me and I should let him go, his vengeance is over, he's free. He's at peace and he's with his family and everything is as it should be. I should be happy for him and for us: the nightmare's finally over. I thought by killing Red John I'd free myself too, that I'd be able to move on.

I was such a fool. The pain's never going to go away.

Tommy calls me that afternoon. I invited him and Annie to a big CBI party at the end of this month and luckily he said yes. The party's going to be a massive event with lots of people gathered together to rejoice Red John's death. But the other reason for the party is to honor Jane's memory and I'm not so excited about that part.

I don't pay that much attention to our conversation while channel surfing at the same time but suddenly I realize Tommy has been silent for a while.

"Tommy, is something wrong?"

"I'm so tired of this", he says frustrated. "You are like a zombie. You can't go on like this forever. It seems like you're getting worse every day and I'm so sick of it."

This surprises me. Where did that come from? Tommy and I don't usually talk about feelings. He is clearly really upset.

"What is this all about?" I ask a bit defensively. "What have I done now?"

"It's not that", he continues angrily. "You haven't done anything and that's the problem. You're good at hiding your emotions but I can see right through you, I can see that deep down you're still as messed up as you were at his funeral. This is just not healthy anymore. I mean, you guys weren't even a couple, you shouldn't stop living because he's not here anymore!"

There's a stunned silence as his words sink in.

"No, we were not a couple", I say finally, trying to hide how hurt I am. I really don't want to talk about him and especially not with Tommy, but he gives me no choice.

"We were not together, you're right, but I don't think it changes the fact, that he was important to me in many ways. Am I not allowed to grieve for him just because we weren't together? That's a bit unfair, Tommy."

Tommy falls silent and I continue.

"Besides, I'm not even grieving anymore. Like I said, I'm okay. You're just imagining things. I'm fine."

"I know you're not okay", he cuts me off clearly not listening to a word I say. "I didn't know him that well or I didn't know what was going on between you two, but I know you. We grew up in a family where talking was not allowed. That's why you and I never talk."

"We're talking now", I say trying to get him away from the subject. I know where this is going.

"You know what I mean. And this is just what happened with mom. That's why I'm so worried."

He falls silent. I know it took a lot from him to go there.

"She was my mom", I say flatly. "That's different."

"No, it's not. It's your way to grieve, I've seen it. You block everything out, you try to act like nothing happened, keep up the brave face. That's what you've been doing now, am I right? You just block everything out as long as you can. We both know where that leads us."

I feel a wave of anger washing over me. We don't talk about mom or what happened and it's unfair of Tommy to bring it up.

"I was a teenage girl", I snap. "It has nothing to do with who I am now."

"It has", Tommy insists. "After two years of blocking out the pain of losing your mother, one day you just exploded. Maybe it had something to do with being fourteen and all the pressure of raising us three, but still. You know the hell you had to go through after that. You can avoid it this time, you have to. Let the pain out before it rips you apart."

"How?" I ask angrily. "By talking about him with you? Okay, so let's talk. Wait, I have to get my tissues in case I start to cry."

"Please, Reese", he sighs giving up. "Okay, I understand, you don't want to talk about it with me. But please, talk with someone."

I don't answer, I'm still angry.

"I'm sorry, Reese", he pleads, sounding really apologetic now. "I didn't mean it like that, I'm just so worried about you."

He falls silent for a while, trying to find the words.

"This is all just so unfair to you", he finally says. "I feel so bad for you and there's nothing I can do. You don't talk about him so I can't offer to talk with you and I don't know what else is there."

"I'm okay", I say to him again. Why can't people understand those words? "Really, Tommy, you shouldn't worry. I'm alright. I'm a big girl. I'm getting over it."

I don't know if he believes me but he's more than happy to switch the subject.

Tommy isn't the only one worrying about me. Now that Red John is finally gone, now that I've done the last thing I could for Jane, my team is trying to help me again. I don't understand why, I know I'm not feeling that great but I haven't showed it to anyone. No one should know how messed up I still am, no one should worry.

But maybe Jane was right all along. I have no dishonesty in me, so clearly I'm not fooling anyone.

Van Pelt stops me at the elevator after a long day. I can already see in her face where this is going.

"Lisbon, you can't go on like this", she starts anxiously as soon as the lift doors close. I roll my eyes, I knew this would come. I'm pretty sure what she's going to say next. "I know what it feels like to lose someone you love. And I know Jane meant far more to you than O'Laughlin ever did to me, but still."

Well I must admit I wasn't expecting that one. Is she comparing her and Craig to me and Jane?

"You can't pretend like his death never happened. You have to talk about it, believe me, I know. You have to grieve for him properly in order to move on. You can't block him out forever. You know what happened when I did."

I feel sick just thinking of Jane coming back to haunt me. What if I started to see him like he saw his daughter? As a hallucination?

For a while I'm stunned by this thought. I'm not even sure which one is a better choice, not to see him ever again or to see him as a hallucination. I look around, like he would suddenly pop out through the walls.

Van Pelt gives me a quizzical look and I come back to this moment feeling stupid.

"Please, Teresa, I'm asking this as a friend. We're all so worried about you. We don't want to lose you too. Now that Red John is gone, you have to start to accept things."

Yesterday I got this same lecture from Tommy and now from Van Pelt. I really don't want to hear this all again. I mean, how many times have we been through this crap? I say nothing as we step out from the lift, but she follows me to the parking lot. She looks so worried. She really wants to help me.

"I have grieved him enough already", I say angrily trying to get away from her. "And I don't want to think about him. It doesn't help at all. I just wish you'd leave me alone."

"I know that", she says stopping me before I reach my car. "And I'm sorry that I have to do this, but you give me no choice. "

I almost want to yell at her and run away, but I know that she only wants to help. And she's my friend.

"Alright", I sigh finally giving up. "So what do you want?"

"Can I come with you?"

"Sure. But I'm not going to talk to you, so you're wasting your time."

"Okay, if you don't want to talk, we won't. I promise that."

I raise my eyebrows at her. If we are not going to talk, why is she coming with me?

"Can I drive?" she suddenly suggests and I suspiciously give her my keys. But as she promised, we don't talk at all and after a while I start to feel comfortable around her.

"You took a wrong turn", I comment absently while watching the roads and cars passing by. I wait for her to turn around, but she just keeps on driving.

"You should've turned left", I say again in case she didn't hear me. "We're going the wrong way. Don't you remember where I live?"

"Yes, I do."

Silence. I turn to look at her quizzically but Van Pelt is avoiding my eye.

"Van Pelt? You're driving the wrong way", I say sarcastically but she still doesn't answer. I look out the window again frowning.

"Are you taking me somewhere?"

I watch the sceneries passing by. She doesn't live here, nor do Rigsby or Cho. We passed that nice park already. Where in the world is she –

Finally she slows down and signals right and with a shock I realize where we are. No. She didn't.

Van Pelt parks on the side of the road and turns to look at me expectantly. I don't know how to react, I can't tear my eyes away from the church and the graveyard behind it.

"I understand that you don't want to talk to me", Van Pelt says. "But talk to him at least."