Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews and follows, I love you all! So here we go again, I hope you like this one too :) !
I can hear low voices coming from my side. My head is aching and I just want to fall back to sleep, but someone's calling my name. I don't want to wake up, I just want to stay in this safe darkness forever.
But someone calls my name again and again and the voices are getting louder and clearer and finally I open my eyes. For a while I'm blinded by the bright lights, then my eyes focus on the faces hovering over my head.
"Boss, you awake?"
It's Van Pelt, sitting next to me, looking down at me anxiously. Behind her I can see Cho and Rigsby just as worried.
"You alright?" Cho asks as Van Pelt helps me to sit up. I look around bewildered slowly realizing I'm at work, in my office, sitting on my couch. How the hell did I end up in here?
"How are you feeling?" Rigsby asks giving me a glass of water.
"I'm fine", I mutter trying to steady myself, as my head starts to spin again. Maybe I shouldn't have risen up that quickly. "What am I doing here? What happened?"
"We got a call from a coffee shop owner. He said that you had fainted right before his shop and someone had told him to call us and we went to get you and brought you here", Rigsby answers and gives me a worried look. "But if you're feeling sick or anything, we should probably take you to the hospital. Did you hit your head? Does it hurt?"
"No, no, I'm fine, someone caught me", I say and wave my hand dismissively. In fact I'm already feeling much better. But what happened? I mean, I went to get a coffee and -
"You've got any idea, what happened?" Van Pelt asks.
"I saw him!" I blurt out as the memory hits me. It's so real and vivid that it makes me want to faint again. Oh God, it feels like someone just hit me, the nausea washes over me and makes me want to throw up. "He was there, he was sitting right there, and he called my name, and, and –"
My words fail me, my head is spinning and I'm making no sense but none of this matters. I saw him, I saw him. I saw him!
But how the hell is that possible, when he's dead? What the fuck is going on?
"He?" Cho frowns and changes looks with Van Pelt. I don't like the way they look at each other.
"Jane! I saw Jane!"
There's silence. As soon as the words escape from my lips, I know I shouldn't have said it. I sound crazy even to my own ears. Everyone looks at me shocked, but then Van Pelt's face softens and she takes my hands and squeezes them tight. There's a sad smile on her lips and everyone's faces have changed from shock to… pity?
"Lisbon, I'm so sorry. I know Jane's passing away has been really hard for you and I warned you what could happen, if you denied his death too long. Don't worry, it's only natural. This must mean you're finally starting to get over it."
I stare at her, remembering our conversation about her and Craig. She saw him as a hallucination. Was that what I saw, too?
"We should probably take you home. I can stay with you if you want."
I keep staring at her. She thinks I'm losing it. She thinks I didn't saw him.
"But I wasn't hallucinating or anything", I insist trying to convince them but instead I end up sounding more and more deluded. "It was him. I know I saw him, I just know, I…"
My voice dies away. They're right, I'm only fooling myself. Jane's dead, that's the truth. I was at his funeral for God's sake. He wasn't there. I was just hallucinating.
Waves of pain and anger crush over me. Of course he wasn't there, I just miss him so much that I wanted him to be there. Oh God, what is wrong with me? How can I be so stupid?
Pain feels so much worse after this little ray of hope and I just want to bury my face into my hands and scream out of frustration. I'm an idiot, of course he wasn't there. He's dead. Stop denying it and accept it. He's dead.
"I'm so sorry", Van Pelt apologizes, seeing my tortured expression. "Sorrow makes us see things we want to see. Don't worry, you're not losing it, we don't think you're crazy. You should just take it easy, give yourself some time. And don't be scared if you meet him again. You should talk it out with him, see what he has to say."
"Yeah, I guess you're right", I finally say defeated. "Maybe I should go home and rest for a while."
"I can take you if you need a ride", Cho offers but I shake my head as I gather my things. My legs feel wobbly and a familiar lump has formed in my throat. I have to get out of here, now.
"Thanks, but I'll be alright. I just need to be alone for a while."
I drive back to the coffee shop. The owner recognizes me right away, asking me if I'm alright and giving me a free coffee. I scan the tables on the terrace, but the corner table is empty. Of course it is, I remind myself. I shouldn't even be here, this is madness.
But although my brain is saying that this is stupid and I should go home and relax and sleep, I can't. Instead I approach the corner table, slowly and carefully, like it was a wild animal that could jump up and attack me. I stop in front of it and try to sense something, but it's just a table. It's empty and there are no signs of him.
I walk across the road to a little park. Without thinking, I sit down on the warm grass under the shadow of a great oak, take a sip from my coffee and wait. I sit there for hours, watching the people passing by, scanning everyone who enters the coffee shop or sit downs on the terrace. I've got a wonderful view to the coffee shop and all the customers, but there's no sign of him there. I've drunk my coffee already and now I'm just waiting.
I must've fallen asleep because when I open my eyes again the sun has moved to shine directly in my eyes. I shadow my face with my hand and reluctantly sit up again. How long have I been asleep? The sun is still shining, so it must be late afternoon and some little boys have started to play football on the nearest field. Their laughter echoes in the air.
This is a huge waste of time. I yawn and decide that it's really time for me to go home and get some sleep in my own bed. This was a stupid idea and -
Suddenly I have a funny feeling that I'm not alone. I turn my head, ready to snap at the kids to get away from me, but my thoughts stop as soon as my eyes meet his.
He is sitting next to me, quiet like a ghost, saying nothing, his eyes never leaving mine. I can't think, I can't breathe, I just stare into his eyes ready to faint again.
"Are you okay?" Jane asks after a while with a little grin, which makes my heart stop beating. He raises his eyebrows waiting for my answer, but I'm unable to do anything. I just stare at his face mesmerized.
"Lisbon, please. Talk to me."
But I can't. I just stare at him, take in his face and his hair and his eyes and his voice and that familiar scent of his –
"No", I finally manage to say. "I don't want to talk to you. You're really not there. You're my hallucination. You should leave me alone, I have nothing to say to you."
He seems taken aback by my words. I can't tear my eyes away from his face even though I know he's a hallucination and he's not really here, but he seems so real. At least this way I can have him with me for a short while. Oh God, how have I missed his face and his smile. The pain in my chest gets worse with every second I look at him.
"You think I'm a hallucination?" he asks confused but then seems to understand something. "But of course, to you I'm still dead. It may take some time to understand the truth."
He doesn't sound like a hallucination, but then again what do hallucinations sound like? If he's just a part of my imagination, why would my imagination say things like that?
"Yes", I say flatly. "You're a hallucination, don't act like you didn't know it. And I'm not interested in you or whatever you have to say, so you can just disappear and leave me alone."
If I say it out loud enough times, maybe I convince myself that he is a hallucination. Because a little part of me doesn't want to believe it, a little part of me wants to believe that he's really here.
But that part of me can shut up. I don't want the pain to get any worse than it already is.
"No, I'm not a hallucination", Jane says slowly and gently and to my surprise he reaches for me and takes my hand. An electric shock runs through me as his fingers touch my skin. His touch is warm and it burns like fire, making me gasp for air. "Lisbon, there's something you should know. I'm not dead. I'm not a hallucination. I'm here."
I search for his face ready to burst into tears out of frustration. Why is he telling me this, why is he trying to mess with me? Why isn't he one of those nice hallucinations?
"Stop it", I say and try to take my hand away, but he holds it tightly. Are hallucinations even able to hold you like that? Can you feel them? "Don't try to act like you're there. I know you're not. You're a hallucination. I just want you to be there, so you are, but really you're not. You're not my Jane. My Jane's dead."
I swallow as the lump in my throat makes my voice weak and shaky. This is ridiculous, I'm getting emotional talking to a hallucination. I turn my eyes away from his, stubbornly trying to act like he isn't there.
For a while there's silence and I'm annoyed how nervous I am and how loud my heart beats. I can feel his eyes on me, making me burn all over, but I'm not going to play his game. He's a hallucination, and I don't want to talk to him.
But still, a part of me doesn't want him to leave. Part of me wants him to stay there forever, hallucination or not. At least he'd be with me.
"I'm alive", Jane says and takes my hand again to rest it against his heart. I can feel his heart beating under his vest and my own heartbeat quickens automatically. Can you feel hallucination's heartbeat? This is not happening, nothing makes sense.
"But you –"
I have no idea what to say so I just stare into his eyes, trying to understand what my subconscious is trying to tell me. My imaginary Jane is going to say something more, but suddenly a football lands right in front of us, snapping my focus back to the reality.
"Hey, could you kick the ball back here?" one of the kids yells at me and I start to rise, but Jane is quicker. He takes the ball and kicks it to the kid who takes it happily. "Thanks, sir!"
For a moment I can't speak. Then the kid starts to walk away and I hastily jump up.
"Wait", I yell after him and he turns around quizzical. "Can you see him?" I know I'm making no sense, but I have to be sure. "You see this man? You can see him?"
The kid gives me a weird look, glances at Jane, and looks back at me again. I can read in his face that he thinks I've lost it.
"Er, yes?" he says. "He just kicked me the ball."
"So… he is really there?" I say again my voice shaking and the kid looks at Jane again confused.
"It's alright", Jane says to him with a little smile. "She's just a bit tired."
Slowly I sink back to the grass as the boy runs away to continue his game. My heart hammers in my chest, any moment I'm going to pass out.
Other people can't see your hallucinations. Or maybe the boy was a hallucination too? Maybe I'm not even here really. Maybe I'm still asleep? Maybe I'm hallucinating it all. Maybe nothing's happening. Maybe Jane never even died. Maybe -
"Lisbon, try to calm down", Jane says and places his hand to my shoulder trying to hold me steady. I look at my hands and see them shaking wildly. "You're not hallucinating. The boy was there and I'm here too. You're not asleep, you're not going crazy. This is the reality. Do you understand me?"
He's talking to me like I'm a schizophrenic patient in a mental hospital who has no idea what's real and what's not. Actually that's how I feel right now. I put my hands between my knees trying to stop them from shaking. But his words do make sense, because this feels like the reality. I'm not asleep, I'm not hallucinating. This is the reality. I'm pretty sure of it.
"It's okay. Like I said, I'm here. I'm not a hallucination. And if you let yourself think the impossible, you realize that it's the truth."
My eyes focus on his and like in a dream I reach my hands and touch his face. I slowly run my fingers to his cheeks and he puts his hands over mine, holding my hands on both sides of his face.
Then the dream shatters and I pull my hands away, feeling sick. I turn my head away, trying to get a control of myself.
Oh. My. God. He's really here. He's really here.
"Are. You. Alive?" I finally ask in a low voice not daring to look at him. My breathing gets quicker and I just want to run away. This can't be happening, it can't.
"I am", he says.
Then, without a warning, something snaps inside me.
"What the fuck is going on, is this some kind of a sick joke?" I hear myself asking, my voice rising with every word until I'm almost screaming at him. I'm so lost, so scared, so messed up, so –
I don't even know what I am anymore.
"What is happening? You should be dead! How the hell can you be here?"
He looks startled before my wrath, clearly not waiting for this reaction.
"What is going on? You're supposed to be dead! I was at the funeral! We buried you! You're dead, you killed yourself, what the fuck –"
"Shh, Teresa, calm down." I've started shaking again and he looks at me with pleading eyes. "Please, let me explain. Try to calm down. People are watching."
"Calm down? Explain? Explain?" I almost want to laugh at him.
"What exactly do you want to explain? Sorry Teresa, but I'm not dead. Is that what you're trying to tell me? That you're not dead?" I'm so mixed up I just want to scream, I just want to hit him, I just -
"Yes, that what's I'm trying to tell you. And aren't you happy that I'm alive?" He's trying to make this all a joke. Like there's something funny about this whole situation.
"Happy?" I ask and rage takes over. "Happy? That you're alive? You son of a bitch, what have you done, what is going on, we buried you! How the hell are you sitting there? You were supposed to be my hallucination! You can't be him, you can't, I – " Suddenly I don't have words to describe what I want to say. I'm so overwhelmed that I can't breathe. I bury my face into my hands, try to calm down, try to understand. The world's spinning again, making me sick.
"I'm sorry, Teresa", he says quietly and gets up. I don't even look at him, I try to steady myself so I won't pass out. Any minute now I'm going to throw up. "I'll explain everything, I promise. You just have to calm down and listen."
I don't answer, I don't even look at him. It takes all my willpower not to start screaming again. Oh God, how I want to hit him right now.
"Let's go to your place and talk it out, okay?" Jane asks gently and touches the small of my back. I push his hand away angrily and with shaking legs start to walk out of the park, everything still whirling inside my head. He doesn't try to touch me again.
