Author's Note: I'm sorry it took me so long to update this! And I'm sorry the whole chapter got so long, I just couldn't stop xD This is not the final chapter, I hope you enjoy!


Jane's driving us back to my place. He still drives way too fast and I hate it, but my hands are shaking too much for me to drive. So I just sit there, trying my best not to look at him and not to think about him. I'm still too angry.

Jane hasn't said a word and I'm grateful for that, because I don't really want to talk to him, but I can still feel his eyes on me.

"Watch the road", I say angrily when his stare makes me too uncomfortable. "Or you'll get us both killed. For real this time."

He says nothing and looks away, but I can feel his eyes burning on my back every time he thinks I'm not looking.

When we get to my place I go straight to sit on my couch and hug my knees, not caring what he's going to do. He hasn't moved, he just stands there, in the middle of my apartment. I don't want to look at him, but when I do, he looks at me with sad eyes, like a lost puppy.

And suddenly I just want to run into his arms and hug him tightly and forget everything.

But the part of me that wants to kick him out of here is much stronger than the part that wants to hug him so I look away and stay where I am.

Finally Jane moves away. He goes to the kitchen to make some tea. That's so Jane, there's no problem that can't be solved with a cup of tea. When he finally comes to the living room and sits next to me, there's silence. A long one. He tries to give me the other tea cup, but I don't take it and he just puts it back to the table. I almost feel like I want to throw the tea into his face.

"The truth", I snarl. "And no lies this time. The whole truth and you'd better have one hell of an explanation for me."

He's silent for a while, sipping his tea. Then he puts his cup away and stares at his hands. If he tries to make a joke, I will punch him in the face.

"Long story short, I faked my suicide. I never died, it was all a part of the plan to get Red John."

There's silence. I knew there had to be a logic explanation to that he's alive, but just hearing this out loud makes me –

I don't even know. I have no words for this.

"You faked your own death?" I say at last with a little shaking voice. So nothing has been real, he never died. But the funeral, his grave, all those dark days, all the pain, all those tears -

Oh God, I'm feeling sick again.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I say and can't stop my hands from shaking. "We've faked my death in the past too to catch Red John. You could've told me."

"No. Red John would've known. If you and the team knew that I was alive, Red John would've seen it. But now he saw your genuine sorrow and pain and he had to believe, that I was really dead. It was the only way."

"I could've acted like I was sad", I mutter not looking at him. "I can't believe you didn't trust me yet again with a secret like that. I just, I can't -"

"You know I'm right, Teresa. Would you have been as devastated as you were after my death if you knew that I wasn't really dead? Honestly? You're a terrible liar, you have no dishonesty in you."

I can't answer to that because he's right. I'm a terrible liar and a terrible actress and Red John would've seen right away, that I wasn't really grieving. Because I never thought that I'd be this broken after Jane's death, so how in the world could I have acted it the right way?

"Well maybe not, but it still doesn't mean that it was the right thing to do. And you didn't even catch Red John in the end, we did, so your plan didn't work out. Again."

He gives me a little mocking smile and I frown. Then it hits me.

"Exactly. That was my plan. I knew I was never going to catch Red John myself, I wasn't even close. So I knew that I had to let someone else do it. And there was only one person in the whole world that I could've given my revenge to finish."

I look away, not sure how to react to that.

"So I decided to kill myself. After I was gone I hoped that Red John would feel like losing, because he wasn't the one to decide about my fate. And I hoped that he would start to make mistakes after his purpose was gone. So that you'd be able to catch him."

I'm silent for a while. Little pieces are finally falling into place. It does make sense, but, but –

"But how could you be so sure?" I say confused and angry. "That is the most stupid plan I've ever heard. It's not even a plan. Red John would've reacted in very different way. Or he wouldn't have believed you. He's always been one step ahead of you."

"I know", he says sighing. "And it was a huge risk but I had no choice. We had tried everything and I was just so tired. This was my last plan, I had to try it. And I've seen how his mind works, so I knew he'd go crazy if he believed me. That was the biggest problem, to make him believe."

He looks away for a while, lost in thought. I don't know what to say. I can't believe that he took a risk like that, faked his own death, not being even sure if it would work.

"You're an idiot", I say. "You do realize that?"

I turn to look at him. There's a lazy smile on his lips. He doesn't seem tortured by the fact that we killed Red John, he doesn't seem tortured at all. Actually he looks quite good. There's a weird peace in him, he seems relaxed and content and happy. He almost isn't my Jane anymore.

Because he has finally moved on.

My gaze flickers to his left hand and with a shock I realize he has taken his wedding ring off. I hastily look away, hoping he didn't see.

But of course he did.

"Only thing that matters right now, is that Red John is gone. It's over."

"Well, that's great", I say a bit ironically, but my anger melts away as soon as I get lost into his eyes. Have I always done that? "You look really good. You okay?"

He gives a little laugh, making me flinch. I've missed his laughter so much, it feels so good to hear his voice and see his face and I still can't quite believe that he is here. That this isn't one of my dreams, that he is here and he's not going to disappear.

"Never better, and I mean it. But what about you, you okay?"

He looks at me sympathetically and very carefully reaches for me. As his fingers touch my hand, I flinch again and pull abruptly my hand away. He doesn't try to touch me again.

"No", I admit and turn my head away. The anger and confusion and the endless pain starts to boil inside me. "Because although I'm happy you caught Red John and that you're free, but…. I just can't forget what you did to me. You made me believe you were dead. Have you any idea how did it feel like? Did you ever think about anyone else than you and your revenge?"

My voice is rising and shaking a bit as I finish. I don't dare to look at him but I can feel his eyes on me.

"I thought about you every single day", he says his voice serious and defensive. "You think this was easy for me? It took all my will power not to come back to you and ruin everything."

"Easy for you?" I gasp my anger suddenly bursting out. He has no right to be defensive after what he did to me. "What about me? I believed for a year that you were dead! I missed you every single day, I cried so many nights and suffered so much it hurt physically. And all that in vain!"

"Should I be dead then? So your suffering wouldn't be in vain", he asks jokingly, but there's a bit anger in his voice. I'm seeing red now. How. He. Dares.

"You son of a bitch, how dare you say things like that? Seriously, you can consider yourself lucky that I haven't beaten you up yet!"

I just want to scream at him, punch him in the face, kick him out of here. I mean, how dares he rise from the dead and act like a total jerk?

"You know I'm happy you're alive but you haven't even apologized to me! You seriously have no idea how much I've suffered if you think I'd just forget it –"

"I do."

What?

"I do have an idea how you've suffered. I've been watching you."

Watching me?

"Have you spied on me?" I ask slowly not believing what I just heard. If I was angry before, now I really feel like throwing him out of my house. He's been spying on my pain?

But before I have the chance to start yelling at him, he continues hastily.

"Not like that. I just had to know that you were okay, but I couldn't see you as much as I wanted to, because I was too afraid to get caught. So after the funeral I disappeared. And it killed me to live all those months not being able to see you or contact you."

Wait. Did he say the funeral? I raise my gaze and meet his eyes shocked. No way. He couldn't.

"You… You were at the funeral?" I ask in a small voice and he nods gravely.

"I was. Although you couldn't see me, I was there. It was a beautiful funeral, so now I know that if I'm going to die, you guys are going to give me a proper farewell."

He laughs a bit and I stare at him. There's nothing funny about this and he seems to realize it too and stops.

"You don't know how it felt to see you there. I cried with you. I just wanted to come out and hug you. Tell you how sorry I was. I never meant to hurt you like that. You have no idea, how much it hurt me, to cause you such pain. I'll regret it for the rest of my life."

Suddenly I have nothing to say. There's sadness and grief in his face and I can't be angry with him anymore. Because it seems he has suffered as much as I have.

"It was a beautiful speech you know", he says lost in thought and I shiver. What did I say back there?

"I'll always love you. I just wish I had had the chance to tell you this before it was too late it."

My own voice rings in my ears bringing back all the pain and grief from that dark day. I don't know what to say so I quickly look away and clear my throat.

"I'm glad you're back but I'm still angry that you haven't even apologized to me although I know it was hard for you too but –" I start to switch the subject, but he raises his hand and cuts me off. I wait for him to roll his eyes, but he looks genuinely apologetic. He reaches for my hands and in a daze I let him take them. He brings them to his lips, not kissing them, just breathing against them. It sends shivers down my spine.

I can't move or think, his breathing makes my skin burn and my pulse quickens. But instead of feeling embarrassed by my body's reaction, I just feel oddly mesmerized by this moment, by his touch, by his eyes. It's like in a dream once again. None of this feels real.

"I am sorry, Teresa", he whispers, his voice honest and quiet. "And I would've apologized sooner but I thought you wouldn't accept any of my apologies before you knew why I did this. But I really am sorry, Teresa. I know how much you've suffered and believe me, that was the hardest part for me. To know how much I was going to hurt you."

He lets go of my hands and to my surprise he looks away, swallowing hard. I study his face carefully, his a bit rapid breathing, his tortured expression and feel instantly bad for blaming him.

"I'm sorry too", I whisper turning my eyes away. "I didn't mean it, it's just –" I don't know what to say, this whole situation, this whole conversation is just so unreal. This is not the kind of conversation I was waiting to have with him if he ever came back to me. "It's just a shock. To sit here speaking with a man who died and didn't really die. I don't know why I reacted that way, I'm sorry. I've just been through a lot."

"Yeah", he just answers and twirls his hands for a while and then he gives me a little crooked smile. "I really didn't imagine this conversation going like this. But I guess there's not a specific code how to tell someone that you didn't die."

I smile a little and we fall silent again. This time it's a more comfortable one. My anger and frustration have slowly faded away and all that is left is just peaceful calmness.

"So, where were you all this time?" I ask after a while not really sure I want to know what he has been up to all this time. "How didn't he find you?"

"Well, I was on a little island, in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Not so many tourists around there, it was a really safe and nice place. Thought I could stay there forever, if you didn't catch Red John."

I glare at him, trying to figure out if he's serious or not.

"So you were partying on the beach while we were crying over you? That sounds so typical."

"Well, you do know that it wasn't a vacation", he says easily, ignoring my insult. "It doesn't mean that I didn't do a lot of grieving too. But in any case, the island was really nice, maybe we could go there together someday."

We? Together? He has never spoken like this before. There's something behind his words that didn't use to be there.

"Why didn't you come back as soon as I killed Red John?" I continue, ignoring his words and my own nervousness.

"It has been only a few days, hasn't it? It took me some time to get rid of my apartment there and fly back here. And I had to do something first, before I was ready to face you. I'm sorry, if I kept you waiting."

My eyes flicker automatically to his left hand.

"After all this time, if I'm honest, I was a bit scared to come to see you. And it looks like I didn't worry for nothing", he continues softly and gives me a little crooked smile and I glare at him.

"Don't be like that", I say but can't help smiling a little too. "You know you deserved all my anger. You might've even enjoyed it, confess. You love messing with people."

"Yes I do. But not with you. I'd never want to hurt you on purpose."

I don't know what to say to that, so I take my tea cup, which has been standing on my table untouched. I take a sip, but it's cold already. How long have we been sitting here? It feels still so unreal, to sit here and have this conversation with him. It's like the outside world doesn't even exist anymore. It's just him and me and this whole crazy mess around us.

Jane says nothing, but he keeps staring at me and I start to feel uncomfortable.

"You've told anyone else?" I finally ask, not really knowing how to continue our conversation.

"No. I wanted you to be first. Although I have done all the paperwork already, telling the bureaucrats that I'm alive and blaming the CBI and all that crime fighting. They must think we're all crazy, I mean, with the mess with Rigsby being dead and I killing you and – Well, no more fake deaths, or someone's going to lose their job."

I giggle out loud.

"That must've been an interesting conversation. 'Hi, I'm not dead, could you please sort this mess out?' I already feel bad for them."

He smiles too.

"Well, we've faked deaths before so I kind of knew how to tell the news. But I wasn't prepared to see you there, I almost got caught."

My smile fades away and I turn to look at him eyes wide.

"So it was you", I say gasping a little. "At the graveyard. When I went to talk to you and I got a funny feeling that someone was watching me –"

"Yes, it was me", Jane answers. "I was there to sort things out and I didn't expect to see you there. And I didn't want to get caught before I was ready, so I made sure you didn't see me."

"So you spied on me then and there too?" I ask, my voice slowly growing menacing. "You listened to me, didn't you?"

He leans away from me, raising his hands in defense.

"Please don't start yelling again. Or throwing things at me. Okay, I confess, I may have listened a bit what you said to me, but hey, those words were meant for me, weren't they?"

"No they were not", I snap at him angrily, feeling my cheeks getting warmer. "They were for the dead you, not the alive version."

"Oh, come on, Lisbon", he says with a wicked grin, more relaxed now. "Don't try to act like you didn't want to say those things to the alive me too."

I raise my eyes to meet his and for a moment we just sit there staring at each other. We're on dangerous grounds right now, talking about things we never talk about.

I had no problem talking about my love for him when he was dead, but now that he is sitting right here with me, everything changes.

I can hear familiar words ringing in my ears, words I haven't let myself think about for a very long time.

That day in my office, faking my own death. 'Love you.'

Lorelei, unaware of me listening to them. 'You're a little bit in love with her.'

Sean Barlow, embarrassing me in front of him. 'You're a little in love with him.'

And now as I look into his eyes, I can see something new, something that makes my body melt and ache for his touch.

But I'm not ready for this, I'm not ready to get rejected by him. It's a dangerous game and I hastily look away, clearing my throat, failing miserably at acting normal.

He just keeps staring at me, reading every single thought in my head while I have no idea what he is thinking. There's a little smile on his lips, but I don't know what it means.

"So, you coming back to the CBI?" I ask a little too casually before I realize it was not as innocent and harmless question, as I first thought. He's free now, Red John is gone so who knows what he wants to do with his life. Maybe he just came back to say goodbye, I mean, now he has his whole life ahead of him, he can do whatever he wants. Maybe he doesn't want to come back.

"Don't look so worried."

Once again he surprises me by reading my mind. After a year of no one knowing what I really think, this feels suddenly really scary but at the same time it feels so warm and familiar. I hate it when he reads my mind but I have to admit, I've missed that.

"Of course I'm coming back. What would I do for amusement? And besides, you guys need me too much."

"Don't bet on it", I say sulking. "We've closed a lot of cases this year without your help."

"That may be true, but if the CBI doesn't need me around, you do."

His killer smile makes my heart ache. He's joking but I'm sure he knows how close his words hit home.

"Anyway I'm going to go to speak with Bertram later to tell him that I'm alive. But you were the most important person, you were the one who deserved the whole truth. The one I had to tell first, the one I had to see first. I really have waited long for this moment."

His eyes darken and the air between us gets electric once again. I'm feeling extremely nervous, I don't know how to be around this new Jane. I know how I'd react if he was a part of my dreams that I don't talk about, but he's my real life Jane and -

"Uhm, I've got some of your stuff by the way."

He gives a quizzical look at my sudden change of subject.

"My stuff? Like what?"

"The stuff you had at the office. The team decided to give it all to me because they thought I was your closest family and now that you're alive, you might want your belongings back too."

He seems a bit confused.

"But I don't have anything useful at the office."

"There wasn't much. Some random stuff from your attic like your suit jacket and… and your tea cup." Suddenly I'm feeling hot around the eyes, remembering the boxes I didn't dare to go through. They're still lying hidden in my bedroom. I jump from the couch and mutter something about getting his things right away. I have to get away from him, I need to think, everything happens too fast, I can't -

As I come back I have calmed down a bit and hand him his tea cup. He takes it very carefully and as our hands touch, I start to tremble. There's that lump in my throat again and my heart hammers loudly. He puts the cup away and reaches his hand to take the jacket but suddenly I can't let go of it.

"I'm sorry, I should wash this first", I start. "Don't laugh, it's just that I might've slept a few sleepless nights with your jacket, because it was the only thing that reminded me of you and –"

And suddenly without a warning something shatters inside me. Tears start to run down my face and heavy sobs escape my lips. I let go of his jacket and bury my face into my hands, all my walls tumbling down.

He's there only a second later. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close and strokes my hair soothingly. He feels so warm and safe and I bury my face against his chest, breathing him in.

"I'm so sorry, it's okay", I can hear him whispering into my hair.

His scent, his touch, his voice… It's all so overwhelming and my sobs become even heavier and I hold him more tightly. I can't believe he's here. I missed him so much, I thought I'd never see his face again and -

And now he's here holding me and I can't stop crying. All the memories, all the things I thought I lost forever. Only now I start to really realize that he's not going to disappear, that he didn't die, that he's here with me and he's never going to leave me again.

"I missed you so much", I sob against his jacket which is already wet with my tears. I know I should pull myself together, I know I'm going to regret this later but right now I just can't control myself. "I thought I'd never see you again, you don't know how happy I am that you're here."

He hugs me even tighter, tries to get even closer. His hand strokes my back soothingly.

"I know. I missed you too. I thought you'd never forgive me."

I pull away a bit and meet his eyes. He doesn't let me go.

"Of course I'd forgive you, don't be stupid", I laugh a bit, wiping away my tears. "In the end, I'm used to cleaning up your messes, so by now, there's nothing you can do to make me go away."

He gently cups my face with his hands. His touch makes my whole body burn, makes me want to melt against him. His smile is so heartbreaking, his eyes are so warm and affectionate that he makes me want to -

"And I promise that I won't leave you again. I'm so sorry, Teresa, I –"

But he never finishes because overwhelmed as I am I reach for his face and bring it down to mine. As our lips meet I literally feel like fainting. He tastes so wonderful, it feels like everything I've ever dreamt of and even better.

I close my eyes and want to stay there forever but suddenly I realize, a bit late, that he's not answering. Immediately I let go of his face and back away, my heart beating loudly. He seems to be a bit taken aback, looks at me with wide eyes. Now I've done it, crossed the line and there's no going back. I've ruined everything, our friendship, our partnership. What is wrong with me, why can't I control myself anymore?

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, it's just –" I try to explain but he doesn't give me that chance when he pulls my face to his and kisses me with such passion and desperation that I forget who I am. I wrap my arms around his neck, bury my hands into his hair and he moans against my lips.

Oh God, I don't remember how to breathe.

When he finally pulls away, we both just stare at each other, trying to catch our breath.

"Don't ever leave me again", I whisper against his lips before he kisses me again.

"Don't worry, I won't."