Chapter 2, hope you enjoy it
The days got longer and longer. My body hurt more and more everyday and even with the thought of Hiruma I couldn't seem to have the drive that I had in the beginning. It wasn't just that I was physically tired I was also mentally tired. I wish I had someone to talk to, but no one could be trusted.
Mamori had tried to approach me many times but I avoided her at all cost and when she would catch up to me to ask what was wrong I would literally run the opposite way. Monta tired too but he got much the same result. I knew it was hurting them but I also knew that they would try to stop me if they could catch me.
The worst part of it all was not being able to see Hiruma. Before I started this 'Get Hiruma to see me differently' drive there would be times when we would sit in the club- house together. Him on his laptop and me reading or just starring at the ceiling, those where the times I lived for. I miss things like that but every time I would see an opening I couldn't bring myself to go sit down. I wasn't worthy to be around him.
Even though I was avoiding him like the pelage it did nothing to stop me from thinking about him. In fact the only thing I really ever thought about was him. His dark green eyes, his evil smirk, his blond hair, his big hands, I could go on forever. It made it harder. The only good thing is that because I have been so tired the nightmares have stayed away.
My grades have been slipping so the teacher had asked me to stay behind. Five minutes later I was walking down the hall and to my next class. The teacher wanted to talk about what I expected - my grades. She just asked what happened because I had always been as honor student with straight A's and now I wasn't. I told her I would try to do better. I wasn't watching were I was going and I ran right into someone. This caused me to go fling to the floor and the other person papers to follow me.
"I'm so sorry"
I didn't want to look up in fear it was one of my many bullies that I had managed to avoid so far. I scrambled to pick up the papers and when I looked up to hand them back I saw it was someone much worse than then any of my bullies.
Hiruma
He took the papers as I started stuttering. Those beautiful green eyes snapped up to mine and an eyebrow quirked. I stopped trying to speak at once; instead my face turned a deep hot crimson red. I bowed deeply and took off before he could say a thing.
Stupid, I was so stupid. If he didn't know before then he defiantly knew now. I bet it was written all over my face. How was I going to face him now? Even if I was successful in reaching my goal it meant nothing if I couldn't face him.
I'm sure my face was red all day from my embarrassment. I didn't want to go to practice but I knew if I didn't Hiruma would find me and drag me back. That would be more embarrassing then anything. I was a little late because another teacher wanted to talk to me about a test score. The lockers were empty so I quickly changed and raced out to everyone else. I didn't want to get scolded for being really late. If it was a couple minutes it would be fine but anymore then that would not be good.
We were working on tackling today which I thought was stupid for me because I really can't take anyone down. That was the order from Hiruma and I wasn't going to try to get out of it. We worked on it for the whole time. The Whistle was blown singling the end of practice. Everyone began to leave but I didn't move because I knew I was going to stay late to practice more.
I was working on the foot work for one of the new plays Hiruma showed us a couple days ago when Hiruma called out to me.
"Hey chibi, come here. I want to talk to you"
I nodded and came over to him. He led me back into the lockers and to his private captain room. I had a strange sense of da-ja-vu but ignored it. I fidget with the hem of my shirt, worried about what this could be.
"Sit down," Hiruma said after a few minutes of me just standing in the middle of the room
I did not need to be told twice, I sat down in the chair across from the desk that Hiruma took a seat behind. As I waited for Hiruma to speak, as I did not want to be scolded for talking out of turn, I noticed that his room wasn't very decorated. I decided to focus on that instead of the fact that Hiruma was only 3 feet away and we were alone. The only thing on the wall was one of those stupid cat posters that said 'hang in there' and on the desk there was a Tigger mug with high lighters in it. I wonder why he didn't do more, it was his own space.
"So chibi, you want to tell me what has been going on?" Hiruma began and he must have seen the confused look on my face because he began to explain
"You have been ignoring me, your friends, and have been spending all your time practicing. I have Mamori yelling my ear off like it's somehow my fault that you're ignoring her. So you must have a good explanation that you're just dying to tell me." he said in a half threatening voice that told you he meant serous business
That feeling of da-ja-vu came back and it hit me like a bag of bricks as I realized what this was like. It was just like my dream. My worst fears were going to come true. He was going figure it out just like before and then kick me to the curb like a dog. I wasn't ready; I wasn't good enough, yet. Tears swelled in my eyes but I swallowed them down and tried to speak.
"I, uh, just want to get better. I can't expect to beat people like Shin if I'm doing a half-hearted job in training."
I nearly winced at how phony it sounded.
Hiruma stood and slammed his hands onto the desk in front of me. The sound made me jump.
"That's not it, I can tell your lying to me. I hate liars. Tell me the truth!" he shouted
It was happening all over again. My eyes slammed shut in recognition, it was right after he said that in my dream that he figured it out. No, no I couldn't bare it if he rejected me. He had become my life; he had become my everything, to the point of obsession. I couldn't handle it. No, please don't make me hear those words again. 'Please don't' I begged in my head
A ruff hand descended on my cheek and I flinched. Would he hit me?
"Hey, are you okay. Please don't...what?" Hiruma asked in a much softer voice then before
My eyes snapped open in surprise and it was then I relished I was crying. The soft as petal tears fell down my face in disarray. It took a moment but then I also realized I had spoken my silent plea out loud. Now completely embarrassed and upset I couldn't make my voice work with all the emotions I was feeling but I didn't have to. The most horrible thing came into those amazing green eyes. One thing that destroyed me completely.
Recognition
More tears welled up in my eyes as I stared at his speechless face. I knew it was over. I didn't wait to hear those words; I didn't wait to hear that maliced laughter. I took off like a bat out of hell because I really was trying to escape the hell that those words would create for me. I could hear the door bang against the wall with the force that I moved it out of the way. I heard a few faint 'waits' but I was already too far gone. Nothing could stop me now as the weight of all that I had been avoiding crushed me.
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I could feel anything but the overwhelming pain. I stopped only for a moment to violently throw up all the food I had managed to make myself to eat. When there was nothing left to give, my chest heaved and my throat burned. The tears never stopped even though I was sure with how much I had been crying that they should be empty. I didn't wait to even think before I took off again. My lungs burned but I didn't stop, nothing could make me stop now.
I wasn't sure how long I had run for but by the time that I felt okay enough to be able to allow myself to think again it was night time. I went to my empty house; my parents were out of town working. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was so tired that I couldn't think properly, I didn't want to think. I didn't want to do anything but fall on my bed and sleep for a very long time.
And that's just what I did.
When I woke up the next day I was surprised to see that it was past noon. I still need to figure out what to do with everything. My chest burned in searing pain and I had to force myself to concentrate. I couldn't see Hiruma again, forget about school. I was so in love with him that if I had to go to school and see that disgusted look in his eyes every day, every time I saw him. I wouldn't be able to live with the pain.
There was only one option left, to leave.
To leave the school, to leave this town, to leave Hiruma.
I could do it. I would much prefer to leave then I would to see that look in his eyes even once. I had the option to, my aunt had wanted me to come live with her because my parents were never here and she thought a child needed an authoritative figure. Up until now I had discarded it as something I would never use but now it was looking like a little piece of heaven.
I would call me parents tomorrow and tell them my decision. Then would call my Aunt, I bet she will be happy but right now all I wanted was to sleep. It was the only thing I seemed to want. I took a quick 5 minute shower and pulled on my pj's. Crawling into bed I couldn't help but replay the scene of what happened in that room again and again. My chest squeezed tighter and tighter until it was nearly chocking me with pain. I cried and cried until my tears ducks went dry. When I was sure I had nothing left I forced myself into a, for now, dreamless sleep.
The sun coming in through my open blinds that I forgot to close woke me up. A deep seated tiredness filled me as I struggled to get up. My head and body felt like someone had taken a metal bat to it, my eyes were puffy and red were the rest of me was as pale as a ghost. It took me forever to do the simplest tasks, like brushing my teeth and getting dressed. I could hardly move but I was just thankful that I couldn't cry anymore because I was sure if I could I would be.
That wasn't the worst, the worst was my heart. It burned as if someone had stabbed me with a knife and kept turning it for their own sick amusement.
Now that I was somewhat presentable, it was time to make those calls that would change everything for me. It took me a moment to find my phone as I never really used it before unless it was in emergencies. Flipping open the phone I saw I had 10 missed calls and three voice mails. Checking the calling list I saw that I had 2 from my parents, 3 from Mamori and 5 from Hiruma. 'I bet he just wanted to rub my childish affections in my face' was my bitter thought. Dialing my voice mail I put it on speaker as I began to clean my really messy room
"Hey honey, I just wanted to call and tell you that we will be a little later than planned because the business company we where meeting with couldn't come to a compromise. So call me back so we can talk." Mom's voice rang through the silence as the first voice of the day. I pressed the mark for deletion before moving on to the next one
"Hey Sena, its Mamori. I know that you don't use your phone very much but I have been really worried and I can't seem to catch you at school. Please call me back so we can talk." Mamori voice came out as a surprise. I must have really worried her for her to go this far. I marked it for deletion and made a note to call her back.
The last message was the most surprising of them all. It shocked me into a state of panic. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. It was like all the air had been sucked out of the room. It was intoxicating and it was only 2 words
"Call me"
Short, sweet and to the point. No name, no greeting, no beating around the bush but I didn't need that. I clearly knew who it was as I would recognize that voice anywhere, Hiruma. I wonder what he could possibly want but I wasn't brave enough to actually find out. I marked the message as saved, hoping that maybe when I was far away I might be brave enough to call. Getting back to my original purposes I, almost numbly, typed in my parent's number. With every ring of the phone I began to shake more and more. I didn't know if it was from fear or anticipation or just the fact that this one thing would change everything.
"Hey honey, I'm glad that you got my message and called back" Mom said as she picked up the phone.
"Hey, yea I got your message but that wasn't what I was calling about." I said in a strange detached voice, I would almost call it cold.
"Are you alright? You sound kind of...off."
I nearly laughed at how ridicules that question were. How was I supposed to answer? No, I just got my heart ripped out and trampled all over by the only person vie ever will loved but I'm fine so don't worry about it. I couldn't say that, it was so ironic and bitter and sad it made me want to cry and laugh at the same time. Maybe I was really going insane.
"I'm fine mother, thank you for asking. I was calling to tell you I made a decision about what Aunt Mary said"
"Oh yea, and what's that?"
I could tell that something was going on were ever she was because she was becoming distracted and was paying less attention to what I was saying. I decided I was going to do it like pulling off a band aid, short and fast.
"I decided to go live with her."
There was a long pause and I knew that I had gotten her attention now. Whatever was happening now becoming irrelevant as I shocked and surprised my mother by doing something completely out of character.
"Well if that's what you want, it's really big change" her voice had become snippy signaling how unhappy she was about this, England was really far away
"It is." I replied instantly without hesitating
"Okay, me and your father will arrange it. Pack your bags, you'll be leaving soon"
"Thank you, mother."
"I have to leave now; I can see my clients walking up. Bye"
I didn't even have a chance to say bye back before there was a click and the phone started beeping at me
Sighing I set the phone down. Mother was not happy about this; she didn't agree that children need hard discipline and someone always there. Quite the opposite, she believed if there was always someone hovering over you that a child couldn't spread its wings completely and learn how to fly. Her and her sister couldn't be more different. They hated each other and couldn't be in the same room together. I knew it would be hard and choose to do it anyway. Getting on with the next part, I called Aunt Mary. After two rings she picked up
"This is Mary, who may I be speaking to?" she asked
"Hey Aunt Mary, I was just calling to tell you that I decided to come live with you."
"Oh, how fantastic. I knew you would come to your senses and choose to come live with me. Have you told your mother?"
"Yes, I have. Her and father are making the appropriate arrangements right now."
"Wonderful, I'll make sure your room is prepared for you. When can I expect you?"
"Two days, Friday"
"Wonderful, I'll see you then"
With a click she had hung up before I could say anything. Maybe mom and Aunt Mary where more alike than I thought. Living with Aunt Mary would be a big change, for one she was rich and lived in a high end house. The other was that she still believed in what would be called 'old century manors.' she believed younger ones should bow to their elders and always be respectful, she believed that one should always act with dignity and pride. It would be hard to change from this carefree life style to something like royalty but I would do it as long as I didn't have to see my nightmares become reality.
Well I had the phone I decided to call Mamori. I really did feel bad about everything that I had put her through and if anyone deserved to hear about my decision it would be Mamori. She had taken good care of me and had always stood up for me. She was the best friend I could ever have. I dialed her number and waited for her to pick up. She picked up on the third ring; I was worried she wouldn't because she was at school
"Sena, thank god you called. I was so worried" she screeched into my ear
"Yea, sorry. I'm calling now." I winced when she sighed
"We're all really worried about you, why didn't you come to school?"
"About that" I took a deep breath and decided to do it fast "remember how my aunt had offered for me to come live with her and I hadn't given her a replied yet?"
"Yea" she said suspiciously, probably wondering what this was about
"Well I decided to take her up on her offer. I'm moving in two days, I just wanted to let you know because you're such a good friend and I don't want you to worry anymore"
There was only silence to answer me and I started to get nervous. The silence stretched for minutes before it was broken
"I won't ask why you suddenly decided to move away but I will ask is this really what you want?"
"Yes" I said without hesitation because I knew if there was any Mamori would know and talk me out of going
"Okay, I'm going to come over after school so we can hang out, okay?"
"Yea, I'll see you then"
"See you" her voice cracked and I winced as she hung up, I knew it was going to be hard but it still hurt to see someone so strong cry because of something you said.
I began packing up my room. I found some boxes out in the garage and the tape in the office. It didn't take me very long because I truly didn't have a lot of stuff. I wasn't one to have toys or posters on my wall. The only thing left in the room was the furniture, a couple of outfits for the next couple days and a picture. I picked up the picture
I hadn't decided if I was going to take it with me yet.
It was picture was of the team. It was the first time that we had a full team, a full good team. Mamori was the one to suggest the picture and everyone agreed. Since I was the shortest I was right in the middle with everyone around me. Of course I was in my Eyeshield helmet se you could tell but that wasn't what was so special about it. What made it was the blonde in the corner. You could almost miss him but there he is. He's not looking at the camera but is instead in the middle of rolling his eyes. It was so him and it made me love him even more
Suddenly the picture dropped from my shaky hands, the photo fell and on contact with the hard wood floor shattered. My body shook and tears fell like a water fall. The pure agony raked at my insides as if it was a bird trying to claw its way out of my chest. I felt like screaming. I fell to my knees, barely registering the glass pierced through my skin. My hands came to my face as I sobbed uncontrollably. It wasn't fair, how could I love him so much and yet him not feel a single thing for me. No, he did feel something for me - disgust, hatred, and bitter regret for bring me into his world.
And maybe it was fair. What had I ever done in my life to be worthy of someone like Hiruma, nothing. I didn't deserve anything. I was pathetic and by breathing I was wasting valuable oxygen. Maybe I should do what those bullies keep telling me to do; it would be the easiest way out, eternal peace.
Could I really do it?
Yes, that was the simple answer. I could stop everything, everyone would be happy and I would stop my nightmares from coming true. Isn't that all I want, to make it stop, to not have to face Hiruma ever again, to have silence. Yes
With shaky hands I picked up one of the bigger shards of glass with blurry eyes. I didn't bother looking at it. I pulled it up to my wrist, without you by three days grace ran through my mind and I spoke the words in a whisper as my eyes blurred ever more with tears
What if I walked without you?
What if I ran without you?
What if I stand without you?
I could not go on
What if I lived without you?
What if I loved without you?
What if I died without?
I just could not go on
You left my side tonight
And I just don't feel right
But I can't let you out of sight
Without you I'm no one,
I'm nothing at all without you
I closed my eyes and my hand moved to bring the blade down
The door bell rung and it nearly scared me half to death. I dropped the glass as the bell rang again. I rubbed my face on my clothes as an attempt to make me look presentable. I ran to open the door to find Mamori standing there. I completely forgot that she was coming over to hang out before I left.
"Hey" I said with fake cheerfulness
"Hey" she paused "you idiot your legs are bleeding. What did you do?" She ushered me in and sat me on the couch
Looking down my knees were in fact bleeding but I didn't feel any pain. I tried to remember when that happened then I remembered the picture falling, I chocked on a sob as it hit me like a cup of cold water. I tried to force it down. I couldn't let Mamori see me like this. I managed to get it down by the time see came back with the first aid kit.
"I dropped a picture frame and the glasses shattered. I was trying to pick it up when you rang. It startled me so much I moved my knees forward and cut myself." she nodded sympathetically as she began to bandage the wounds
"I thought you looked like you were crying but that must have been from cutting yourself"
I didn't correct her; let her think what she wants to. What she doesn't know won't hurt her. When she was done, she put in a movie she brought a movie called Dumb and Dumber. One of my favorite. It's funny every time you watch it. I made popcorn and we had a lot of fun, making jokes and commenting on the movie. I actually laughed and that surprised me but I guess it shouldn't. Mamori always made me feel better. After it was over Mamori got ready to leave.
"Hey, Hiruma was wondering why you were today. Do you want me to tell him you're leaving?" She asked as she put on her shoes, I froze
"No, please don't tell them anything until I'm gone." I half begged, I didn't want anyone to know. It would only make things harder.
"Okay, I promise. Call me before you leave and when you get there." she stood there in the hall way like she didn't want to leave
"I'm sorry again about not being able to come after school the next two days. School is so crazy" she stalled
"Its okay, I'll be okay. I'll call, goodbye" I said back with a smile
She leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead. She turned away but I still saw it. The clear tears that glistened like fine jewels in the light slide down her face
"Goodbye" she said as she walked out and I felt bad for her
She didn't understand why I was doing and she never would. She was a girl there was nothing wrong with her liking Hiruma. She was a straight A student, Debate team captain, and holder of all the school festivals. She was worthy, she was pretty and I was none of those. It wasn't her fault. No, on the contrary it was mine.
I pulled myself to my room dead tired. As I climber into bed I noticed that Mamori had cleaned the glass of the broken frame. She was really too good to me. I wonder if she will ever figure it out.
As two tears slide out of my closed eyes I fell asleep.
Pleas R and R
Thank you to my two reviewers as it has made my day, and a special thanks to rexroy101.
If anyone has any question or advice please feel free to contact me
