Chapter 3, enjoy
When I woke up I felt strange, I felt cold, like something was missing right were my heart should be and it hurt. It hurt but not in that burning, tearing agony way. It hurt in a soul wrenching, deep down into my bones way. I shivered as I stayed in bed, having no reason or want to get up. I was in a half dozing state when the door bell rung. I couldn't imagine who it would be so I left it.
I would have continued like I was if the door bell hadn't kept ringing again and again and again. Then the knocking started, finally pissed off I ran down the stairs. I didn't care that I hadn't taken a shower in two days or that my breath smelled bad or that my clothes were too big, half hanging off and dirty. I flung open the door to tell off whoever it was but the words died on my lips at the sight of golden hair
Hirmura
Suddenly I was conscience of all those things, that I was more pathetic and dirty then usual and that my crush was RIGHT there. I was mortified, I reached up to try to pat my hair down but I knew it wouldn't help. If anything it would probably only draw Hirmura's attention more to it then help the state of it.
"Damn chibi, are you going to let me in?" Hirmura said in a very annoyed voice
Now frightened, I quickly moved the door farther open so he could come in. I was so shocked I couldn't feel anything; my thoughts were going a mile a minute. What was he doing here? Did Mamori tell him I was leaving? She promised she wouldn't, right? Was he here to say all those things he didn't get to say the other day?
The last question really knocked the air out of me and everything that I wished would go away crashed back on me. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. My crush, my love, Hiruma was starring at me and I just couldn't show him such a pathetic face again. Hirmura went and sat down, I took this chance to run to the kitchen and make some tea. I tried to slow my pounding heart well I was in there.
I could feel a panic attack coming on but I managed to push it back with the thought of Hiruma in the other room. I brought the tea to him but he didn't take it and neither did I. I was to nervous to talk, let alone drink something. Hirmura opened his mouth and I braced myself for the worst - yelling, screaming, harsh words.
"Are you okay, you haven't been in school for a couple days?"
"Uh, um, what?" I blinked in surprise
"Are you okay?" he said slowly as if I was an idiot
"I'm fine" I replied confused, were was everything else.
Hirmura sighed and leaned back with closed eyes. He seemed tired and I couldn't help but be worried. There were dark bags below his eyes and he didn't seem to have that demonic spark that I loved so much. His eyes opened and found mine.
"I also came so we could talk about what happened before"
I stiffened completely, my heart started beating a mile a minute and I could feel my face become red. I knew it was useless to hope he wouldn't bring it up but I did anyway. With shaking hands I stood up and rushed for the untouched tea
"This must have gotten cold by now ill warm it up"
My voice was shaking also, everything was shaking. I walked away quickly; I didn't want him to say anything else before I could make my escape.
"Wait" he said to me
The sound of his voice distracted me and I tripped on the edge where the carpet ended and the tile for the kitchen began. I went down like a sack of potatoes, the cups and tea pot broke. The glass came flying up and cut my arms. The burn made me want to cry but it wasn't only that. The cold tea soaked the carpet and my shirt. I lifted my arm to hide my eyes as the damn broke and the tears began to slide down my face. I felt someone behind me and then he put his hand on my back. I snapped, it was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I couldn't take it anymore.
"DONT TOUCH ME" I nearly screamed as I slapped his hand away without turning my face to him
"Are you okay?" he asked
"NO, I'm not okay. Do I look okay? Don't you get it, everything hurts like crazy and it's your entire fault. Everything would have been better if I had never met you; I wish I had never met you. It's all because of you that I have to deal with all this crap. I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!" I cried out as the hole in my chest ripped more and more open. I felt like I was suffocating. I didn't even know what I was saying anymore, I just wanted Hirmura to leave.
"Please, please, just go away" I begged with everything I had left
"Okay, I'm sorry."
I heard the door slam shut and it made fresh tears appear. I sobbed uncontrollably for I don't know how long. I didn't move from that position, I couldn't move. I couldn't believe I had said that to Hirmura cause the truth is that I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't met him. He taught me everything and without him I don't think I could go on. I didn't hate him, I could never hate him.
The shame and regret filled me. It hurt; it hurt more than anything I had ever felt before. I knew it was silly to feel this way, I had read about teenagers feeling this way in magazines and it always said that it got better once you moved on. Truth be told I didn't want to move on, I didn't want to spend one day without Hirmura by my side. I dint want to live one more day knowing that he hated and was disgusted by me. I didn't want to live but I couldn't be thinking like that, right? It had to get better, right?
It couldn't get any worse, so it had to get better after this...right?
With that thought I fell asleep right where I was, to worn out to move away.
When I awoke I felt terrible. My face was smashed in the carpet and now had a funny pattern on it. My eyes were puffy from my crying and my skin was all torn up from the glass that I had slept on. I wanted to slap myself, how could I just fall asleep like that, right on top of glasses? I should have cleaned it up right away so it wouldn't stain.
Everything with Hirmura yesterday came rushing back and I felt myself flush with shame. I couldn't believe that I said that to Hirmura. I hope he knew that I didn't mean it. I should apologies but I don't think I could face him. maybe I can give Mamoru a card or something and she could give it to Hirmura after I'm already gone but first things first I need to call mom and ask about the taxi to the airport, and then it was a long flight to England. Then just to get my bags by the door and clean up the house to perfection.
I called mom first so I would know what time I needed to be ready by. I dialed the number and only had to wait one ring, which was a surprise
"Hey honey, I was waiting for you to call"
"Hey mom"
"So the taxi will be there at 3:00. Make sure you drop your boxes at the post office so they can send them to England. Your tickets for the flight will be waiting for you when you get to the airport and don't worry about the money, we already paid for it"
"Cool, thanks mom" I was about to say bye when her voice brought me back
"Honey are you sure you want to do this?" she asked worried and for the first time I hesitated. I really thought about what the consequences would be for this.
"Yea, mom. I'm sure" I finally spoke and I was sure.
"Okay, I'll see you when I see you" she replied and then a click signaled the end of the line. I rolled my eyes because I was expecting it
Next I got my three small boxes out and put them by the door. I also took a small back pack with clothes so I would have something to wear well my clothes were being shipped. I didn't have much stuff but it still took me longer then I would like to emit to move the boxes. Who knew clothes where so heavy?
I spent the next two hours scrubbing the house from top to bottom. The carpet didn't stain to bad which I was happy about because Mother would have my head if it had. I also cleaned my now dried cuts but they weren't that bad so I wasn't worried. I got done around 1. After that I went to get ready to go because I smelled.
I really should eat to but I couldn't find it in myself to shove anything down my throat except some saltines. They tasted stale and gross but it was better than nothing. It worry me slightly that through I hadn't eaten in almost four days but I let it go, I could worry about it some other time. I texted Mamori about what time I was leaving and then got in the shower.
The water was hot, really hot, just how I like it but now with nothing to occupy my mind my thoughts wandered back to yesterday and then back to Monday. All the emotion flooded me again. I didn't want to cry anymore, I was done crying. Everything was going to get better. I would live with my aunt and I would forget about this fleeting love. Everything would be okay again and I would be able to smile without forcing it.
I knew this was for the best and it was just what I needed but why did it have to hurt so much?
Only when the water went cold did I get out. After getting dressed into the clothes I had left out I checked to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. It was a far trip back here from London if I did forget anything and it's not like I could ask someone to send it to me. After I made it to London I was going to cut off all connection with everyone here. I decided that well I was in the shower. It would hurt less like that. I would miss Marmori like crazy and I knew it would worry her but I could deal with her talking about Him.
I knew she had a crush on him no matter how much she said she hated him, I knew. I could see it, what the saying - only an addict can spot another addict. Those longing eyes that followed him, those arguments that they would get into and the unnecessary touching. I saw it and I didn't want to be around to have to congratulate her when they did get together. I didn't want to have to listen to her gush about how wonderful he was.
It was terrible selfish thing to do
I hated myself for doing this. No, I hated myself for a lot of reasons and none of them had anything to do with Mamori. The list was way too long and ironically I hated that to. I couldn't live like this. I need the change. I needed this and if I was going to do it, it might as well be done well. There was no point in doing it half-assed now. There was no turning back now.
Or at least that is what I convents myself of.
I heard the taxi honk from outside and I began to bring my stuff to the driver. It wasn't too much but still too much for me to carry in one trip, two bags to check and two carry ones. On the way back to get the second trip I started crying again. The tears just started flowing and I could do nothing about them. I put my hand on the door and stared into the house one last time. It was like final goodbye as I closed the door and locked it. I walked to the cab, I put my stuff in first and I was about to get in also when I heard something to my left. I looked up and everything went in slow motion.
Hirmura
Hirmura was running, his breathes were coming in big huffs of air and I could tell he was pushing himself to his max. Why? Why was he here? What more humiliation and shame did he want to put me through? The pain ripped at my chest like a mad beast reminding me why I was doing this in the first place, the tears flowed down my face like rain falling from the sky. With one last look at the only thing I ever wanted, I got in the taxi and we drove away.
I didn't look back, no matter what I wanted to do, I didn't look back
Please R and R
If anyone has any advice or questions feel free to contact me.
