A/N: Thank you for the wonderful reviews! You guys have certainly been an encouragement because this chapter was so hard to write for some reason and you won't believe how many times I've wanted to stab it. Anyway, please review and make me feel better. The reason why I'm highlighting other relationships apart from Malec or... comparing them really, is just because love means different things to different people.
I keep holding onto you
But I can't bring you back to life
Sing the anthem of the angels
Then say the last goodbye
~ Anthem of the Angels
Holding On To You
By the time the grandfather clock struck four, the lounge room was deserted except for the presence of one disgruntled blue Persian. Clary had gone to bed after making sure she had fixed Alec up as much possible, and with much verbal coercion from Jace, he had also been made to take a shower which had thankfully also helped in sobering him up a little. When he had finally emerged, clean from the bathroom, Jace had already seated himself by the window of the bedroom, his back leaning against the glass. Around them Alec felt the silence fall like a ton of bricks against his chest, heavy and bruising. Pointedly avoiding eye contact, he ran a towel through wet, inky hair, feeling annoyed as Jace unleashed his golden gaze upon him.
More than anything Alec wanted to be alone – preferably asleep – instead of being scrutinized like he was in the final stages of demon pox. Letting out a slight groan, he let himself fall back against the bed, his limbs feeling like lead against the soft grey blanket as he fixed his gaze on the light fixture just above his head. Staring despondently towards the ceiling, he let his mind attempted to ignore his parabatai's unwanted presence, his thoughts wandering back to the Downworlder dive bar where he had gotten blissfully drunk earlier in the evening. The place had been a shithole but Alec hadn't cared. As long as the ifrit waitress had kept the drinks coming, the world could have gone to hell in a hand basket and he, Alec Lightwood, would have been perfectly okay with that.
"What happened tonight?" Jace's voice, though quiet in the darkness, held an edge that Alec couldn't quite identify. This really wasn't a conversation he felt like having right now, but the supreme effort it would take to kick Jace out of his bedroom deterred him from doing so.
"Ahiab Demon," he said finally with a sigh, his eyes finding Jace's in the dimly lit room. He hadn't really spoken to him since coming back home from the werewolf nightclub a few days ago – not that he had seen him much since. And maybe that was a good thing because his parabatai didn't look at all pleased as he moved from the window to stand next to the bed, his arms folded; golden eyes now narrowed accusingly. The expression made him look alarmingly like Isabelle though his next words were defiantly more Magnus than anyone else.
"Intoxication isn't a state to fight demons in. Not alone."
Alone?
Wasn't he alone? Alec frowned slightly as he pondered this.
He had never felt more alone in his life, and yet these days it was hard to be in anyone's company for long without feeling like he was about to lose his mind. And maybe he was losing his mind because the pure audacity of the comment threw him on edge, lighting flames behind his eyes because they were so not having this conversation (except that somehow they were).
"You know, I always used to wonder why you did that. Risk yourself so much, I mean. Izzy and I used to worry about you all the time."
It was casually said, but something in his tone held a warning. Because the hypocrisy of it all was making his head spin; because how many times had he been the one left behind while Jace slipped out into the night with nothing but self-loathing and a death wish? Because despite what Jace and Isabelle might think, he wasn't suicidal.
He didn't want to die. Not really.
That didn't mean he was particularly interested in living either.
Still, it was insulting because they should know that he wouldn't do that to them. Not to Isabelle or his parents.
Not after Max.
However instead of voicing this, Alec fumbled with his sheets, the silence returning, stretching between them once more like an elastic band as he watched Jace with a face wiped clean of all emotion, waiting for the smartass comment that doesn't come. Finally he heard the other boy sigh before moving to sit on the furthest corner of his bed.
"I can go talk to him you know," he offered, and while Alec was sure that Jace meant well the idea of it turned his stomach.
"Won't help. Izzy already told me she tried that… Besides, he said he was leaving."
It was surprising to him that he could speak of Magnus leaving so calmly now, like it didn't mess him up inside, like it didn't feel like someone was sucking his insides out with a vacuum cleaner.
He watched as Jace raised an eyebrow. "For starters, I'm much more convincing than Isabelle. Besides, if she's the one hounding him it's little wonder that he's leaving," he quipped and for an instant the smallest hint of a smile flickered across Alec's lips and was gone.
"Hell hath no fury like a protective Isabelle", he agreed though the rush of love he felt for his sister was instantly buried beneath the raw pain that he was so tired of feeling.
It was only the fighting that kept him alive now. Only the physical pain and the adrenalin that kept him from remembering the ragged hole that had been gouged out of his chest and the guilt that flayed his dreams. The fact that he had even considered Camille's offer for a second makes him sick despite the fact that he knew that he wouldn't have been able to do it. Insecurities had made him desperate, and Magnus was right – the act was unforgivable and now the self-loathing he felt consumed him, leaving nothing behind but shards of hurt and rage that were mostly directed inwards.
In all honesty, to Alec it was a miracle that his own family hadn't shunned him because shortening someone's life so that they could grow old with you was pretty much as low as anyone could go. In his darker moods it was difficult to look Jace and Isabelle in the face because there were still so many moments in the day when he is reminded of why he deserves to die alone; reminded as to why cold pillows and sheets were the only things his fingers find in the painful darkness after everyone else had gone to bed.
"I just – I just can't believe I lost him…" he murmured, breaking the silence that had enveloped them once again, his voice was strained, rough with unshed tears that he's determined to hold back by sheer force of will. He didn't know why he was saying this to Jace or how it was that he thought the other boy would understand. It felt as though his love for Magnus clung to him, refusing to let go, like a phantom limb that hurt and hurt and hurt despite the fact that it had been cleanly amputated.
"You didn't. He's not dead. Only the dead are lost to us," And maybe he was self-projecting but the expression Jace held was a mix of deep sadness and what he could only interpret as pity. Still, the last thing he needed was for Jace to tell him that everything was going to be okay because things were not going to be okay.
Just because he wasn't dead didn't mean that this could be fixed.
It doesn't change anything.
"You really have no fucking idea!" And just like that he started yelling, the loudness of it shocking the both of them.
"Alec-"
"Just imagine if it had been you and Clary… and suddenly she's out with a werewolf scumbag who's like you, only better."
"There is a flaw in that hypothetical." Jace smirked grimly. "There is no one better, and I never would consider shortening her life.""
And while he might have marvelled at his parabatai's level of self-assurance if he wasn't too busy rolling his eyes, Alec's jaw tightens as the last words hit him like a blow to the chest, because really, that was the truth right there. No one else would have been selfish enough to consider it. But he had.
Still, Jace had no idea of how things had really been like between himself and Magnus. Not really, because how would he? Things were different between him and Clary and Jace didn't have to worry about being left behind or about the life and long line of lovers that would have come before him. He didn't have a way of understanding the distance that had kept growing between them and the desperation that he had felt in realizing how little he had really known his lover.
"Not even if she lived forever? An immortal Clary who will live forever and will eventually move on and love other people when you get old."
"No. I would not even consider it then."
"Not even for a second?"
"Not even for a second."
And Jace sounds so sure that Alec paused to absorb his words.
"So what would happen if she tried to shorten your life?" he asked bitterly, feeling the creature in his chest claw and hack away at the flayed chunks of meat that had once been a heart; and Jace's answer stays with him for the rest of the evening because when he finally answered his dark gold eyes were full of conviction.
"Then I would let her."
