I finished work as early as I could today, not like me I know. It's just as soon as that horrible thought occurred to me everything seemed to go dim. I made my excuses to him about lunch with the team, saying that I had already ate. He knew I was lying but I suppose he just didn't care enough to challenge me on it.
I just needed to get home, be alone with my thoughts. I never used to be like this, I was always such a work through the pain sort of gal. I wonder how many other ways I have changed, I have been changed, by Jack. I wonder when my whole life became about him 'Dammit Sam, don't be stupid' I tell myself. I worked way too hard to get to where I am to let a bad relationship spoil it.
It's just that I can't stop thinking about it, about him, about her. I need to know, I need to know the truth. I need to talk to him, not at work, not anywhere we need to be polite, proper, behaved.
Before I know what I am doing I am in my truck, setting off towards his place. Driving along I think of all the reasons I shouldn't be doing what I am about to do, but I have to. I have to be strong and get through this.
I pull up at his place and just sit staring at his front door. In my head I go through all the things I need to ask, the things I need to say. I find myself mentally bullet pointing them in an effort to stop me forgetting. Before I have chance to lose my nerve I get out of the truck and quickly walk up to his door. I hear his unmistakable footsteps approaching the other side of the door after I have knocked. I hear him sliding the deadbolt and turning the key.
He opens it and I just look at him, my mind suddenly blank. I can't remember any of the things I planned to say, I just see him. He doesn't say a word, I walk up to him and he takes a step back, still keeping his whole body facing me. I go inside and shut the door behind me.
He is so close to me, I can smell his familiar musky scent, exactly the same as the last time we were in this spot all them months ago. Something takes over and I suddenly reach out and touch his hand. He is looking deep into my eyes and I can see something in the depths of his, that disappears so quickly I think that maybe I must have been mistaken, but I don't want to think. I want to feel.
He reaches up and touches my face, I lean forward and feel his lips on mine. He is kissing me too softly, I don't want soft, so I push him back against the wall and start kissing him harder as my hands reach for his pants. He takes the hint and quickly pushes me against the door regaining control. He reaches for my jeans while I undo his belt. He is quicker than me and as I am fumbling with his fly he already has my jeans on the floor.
As soon as I have his trousers undone, he frees his fully erect cock, moves my panties aside and thrusts straight into me. I let out an audible gasp but he ignores me and continues to slowly move in and out. I want it faster and harder so I grab his buttocks and force him deeper inside, he understands and picks up his pace. I feel the tension in my body building up so quickly, so fiercely until I feel a sudden release as I climax all over him, and for the tiniest moment everything seems fine, that is, until the second my brain catches up and I feel physically sick.
'Oh no, oh no, oh no'
I push him off me, straighten myself up and pull my jeans back on.
'Fuck, fuck, fuck' I say as I walk past him.
He follows, readjusting himself.
'Sam' he looks at me warily. 'Look I know that's probably not what you expected'
'Ya think' I say, my mind spinning.
'Sometimes things just happen.' He tells me calmly.
'Yea and you would know all about that' I retort, pacing his front room. 'I mean things always just happen to you. Like, for instance, contracting ageing diseases BECAUSE some things just happen'
'That was before us'
'But your dick was involved yet again' I throw back. 'Hell I should have realised back then, read the warning signs.' He looks like he is going to say something but I carry on before he has a chance. 'But no, I had to go and fall for you, let my heart rule, and look at me now! I forget everything for a quick screw' I finish completely mad at myself and just sit (or maybe collapse would be a more accurate term),
He just looks at me while I look down at my hands. 'What did you come here for?' He asks after a few moments silence.
'They are things I need to know,' still looking at my hands.
'What things?'
I look up, surely he knows. 'About Edora, about Lara'
He sighs, yes sighs. How dare he, I can feel my anger building again.
'What do you want to know?' He asks in a strange voice
'When?'
'The night before Teal'c came through to get me.' he answers matter of factly.
I roll my eyes and he shows his temper spitting 'Why would I lie?'
I just carry on. 'Why?'
'Jeez Sam, what do you want me to say?'
'I want you to tell me why'
'I was drunk and horny and as you have just said my dick rules all!'
'Be serious' I say almost smiling.
'I was lonely, and she wanted me, it was easy'
That hurt, I looked back down at my hands holding one of my thumbs in the other hand. 'What was it like? What was she like?'
He lets out a low whistle. 'For crying out load, are you trying to torture yourself?'
'What's torturing me is imagining what happened. I can't stop seeing it, playing it out in so many different ways. I need to know.'
I look up and make eye contact, and I see something there, something he is trying to hide, but that's fighting to get out. The something changes and soft brown eyes seem to harden slightly.
'Your not going to like it,' he says simply and I believe him.
My heart skips a beat at those words, but I don't say anything, I just sit and wait for him to go on.
'It was nice. I liked it. She was ….' He had been looking around the room, but at this point the brought his eyes back to mine'…good'
His voice then took on a harsh quality. 'Is that enough or would you like to know positions, facial expressions, lengths and volumes of screams?' I flinched as though physically hurt, I could feel myself falling, a pit of despair enveloping me, and something else, something different. It took me a few minutes to realise what it was, and by that time it had taken hold of me. White burning anger, a stronger version of what I had been feeling since that day back on Edora, came bubbling to the surface.
I stood up to my full height, and I pushed him, he stumbled back.
'You shitty little bastard. How dare you!' I shout.
'You wanted to know' he says quietly
'Yea, and since when did you listen to me, and that's not even the point. You know exactly what you were thinking and you fucked me'
'Hey, that was not all me'
'Well if you hadn't gathered, I am kinda emotionally all over the place, you see this man who told me he loved me went and screwed someone else, he's kind of inconsiderate that way, and you took advantage!'
'Um, what?'
Ignoring him I continue the questioning. 'Do you have feelings for her or was it just sex?'
He didn't answer. I hit him again and again.
'I don't believe this, I don't um' I had no idea what to say, I just felt pain, I just had to … 'I have to go' I manage to mumble, starting to walk out. He reaches after me but I yell 'NO, never ever touch me.'
I run out of his house, still to angry to cry, but I know the tears will come.
I get home, go to the fridge, get the largest glass of wine possible, go sit down, and well and truly drown my sorrows.
