My brain is tired. It really is. Up until oh not so long ago I would have said that I knew Jack O'Neill quite well, in fact I used to think I knew him better than anyone. That was my thinking up until the time on Edora when he looked past me like I wasn't there.
Now I realise that I really don't know him at all.
I always knew about his history of covert operations, and I am not stupid, far from it in fact, I knew that he had to be good at undercover otherwise he wouldn't still be alive, I guess I just thought I would know if he lied to me, I thought I would be able to pick up on it somehow. I didn't. I fully believed that he was sick of the way things were done at SGC. That he really thought that he was justified in taking what he wanted bugger the consequences. When he went through the gate, saying he wanted to live out the rest of his days with her I believed it, truth be told I was a little relieved. That he had made his choice, that I didn't have to keep looking at him wondering what if, what could have been if Edora had never happened.
Turns out it was all part of a mission, to capture the bad guys of Earth who actually think it is acceptable to steal technology from other worlds, from our allies. He of course carried out said mission perfectly and I am left here wondering what else he has lied to me about, with his talents he could have almost convinced me that the sky was pink and the grass orange.
*Knock Knock*
I look at the clock, it's 19:15. I get up and walk to the door.
'Hey Carter' he says as soon as I open the door.
'What do you want Colonel?'
'Do I look like I am here as your CO?'
'That's what you are' I quickly reply.
'I was under the impression that I was a little more than that to you'
I look at him, feeling exhausted, both physically and emotionally. 'Haven't we done this to the death?'
'No, I haven't even begun' he looks at me evenly
'Yes you did, I was there, you were pathetic' I state matter-of-factly.
'Can you at least invite me in, it's a little chilly' he says, his lips curling up ever so slightly. I stare at him and he stares back. In the end I give up and turn around walking towards my living room. He follows, I hear him close my front door. I reach my sofa and sit down. I don't say anything, I am just waiting for him to start. He doesn't say anything., he just kneels down in front of me so our eyes are level.
'Why are you here?' I ask looking straight at him.
'Because I love you, and I have no intention of losing you, not again.' He's looking right at me as he says this but I can't make sense of the words, I just smile to myself.
'You don't believe me?' he asks
'Why wouldn't I believe you?' I ask sarcastically.
'I couldn't fight for you, for us before. I had a mission to complete. You know that we have to put our work first, what we do is important.'
'Don't you dare start giving me the lecture. I know what's important' I reply quickly, unimpressed at his preoccupation with the mission. 'What I don't know is what this mission has to do with you cheating on me?'
'It stopped me from explaining'
'I think it's quite self explanatory actually' I say offhand.
'Your not making this easy'
'Oh I'm sorry, must try harder!'
'What I said that first night back was real, everything after that was down to the mission I had been given. I think you can work out when I found out about it.' I look at him blankly. He continues ' The day I stopped calling you. I had to make you believe I would really go back to Lara, that I would choose her over you.'
'You already did' I say quietly.
'Is that what you think?' I nod once and look away. He reaches out to touch my face but I flinch and he retracts his hand.
He stands up and walks to the chair opposite me and sits down stretching out his knee, I hear it click. I look at him, at his expression trying to ascertain whether he's in any pain. He just looks tired.
'Back on Edora, when we realised the gate was gone, I couldn't believe it. It was hard to digest, the idea that I was cut off from home, cut off from you. I tried to find the gate, I worked all day trying to dig up that area, but there were so many of the Edorians missing. It was the harvest season, they needed my help. I was forced to accept the possibility that I may never get homeā¦'
'How could you not know that I would find a way?' I interrupt.
'Sammy, I really didn't think there was one.' he answers his voice not breaking exactly, but doing that manly emotional thing.
'I always find a way' I say. 'How could you not realise that one of our allies would send a ship?'
'Because I honestly didn't even consider it'
'That's the part I don't understand, well one of them.' I say desperately hoping he has a good answer for this. 'You are a colonel in the air force, how could you not think of flying?'
'Try to understand this, I saw the gate had gone, and my mind just stopped, It really never occurred to me that there was ever going to be any other way home.'
He paused waiting to see if I had anything else to say. I didn't.
'I helped them with the harvest. I did pretty good.' He smiles, 'I'm sure you did' is all I say, in a very loaded way. His smile falls away.
'Can you please just get to the point?' I ask, tired of this trivia.
'I'm just setting the scene' He replies, seriously.
'Consider it set'
His soft brown eyes find my blue ones. '99 days after the day that I was lost I made a stupid mistake'
