'Are you going to explain that statement?' I ask after a few moments silence.

'Just thought I would let it hang, you know give it chance to sink in!' he replies giving me one of his trade mark smiles.

'If that's all you going to say just go, because it's not good enough.'

'Sam, I love you, I made a mistake, a big one, but I have to believe that we can get through this because I can't imagine my life without you.' he eyes trying to hold mine but I look away, I am trying to remember our first conversation, the exact details, because he said that was real, what he said there was unaffected by any mission.

'Were you going to tell me?' I ask looking at him

'What?' he says looking confused.

'You said the first time you came round af-after…' I stumble over the words 'well, you said it was real. You were acting like nothing happened. Were you really not going to tell me?' My voice breaking on the last sentence.

'I would have told you' he says with finality in his voice, but I know him to well and I don't believe him.

'When?'

'I just needed you, I didn't want to spoil that first night' He answers, I think he realises the mistake before he even finishes.

'So what, you were going to sleep with me not even 24 hours since you had your dick stuck in that…' I say, my voice rising in anger.

'No….Yes….I don't know,' he starts in a fluster. 'I saw you and all I could think of was holding you, kissing you, touching you, you have no idea' he finishes defiantly.

'I have no idea? You stupid bastard, exactly what did you think I was doing for over three months? You were all I wanted. And I finally did it, I got to you, I saw you and all I wanted was to reach out and touch you, but I had to settle for talking to you. Do you know what you did then, do you remember?' I ask, but he just looks away from me because he knows what is coming. 'You walked past me like I wasn't there.'

There, I had said it. I had said the thing that had been haunting me since it happened. I have nothing left in me I just sit down, while the tears pour silently down my cheeks.

'Sam, baby please' his voice is breaking.

'You see, I'm not stupid, I know that sex doesn't equal love. Plus I know a bit about transference, taking comfort in one thing because you can't get to another. And if it was just sex then yea, I would probably be able to get over it, eventually, but it wasn't just sex. You had feelings for her.'

'Sammy..'

'Be honest Jack' I say, my voice making it a plea.

He looks at me for a long time until I eventually see a change in his demeanour, I can tell he has come to a decision. 'I did have feelings for her, I was lost and alone, so far away from home, from you. She helped me.' He took a deep breath before carrying on. 'She made me realise that I was needed, that I still had a job to do, people to look after. So I did it. I helped them with the harvest, I became a part of the village'

'You have told me this before' I say realising we are just going around in circles.

'The night before you all came through the gate. There was a gathering. I had a fair amount to drink' he carried on as if I hadn't said anything. 'It had been so long since I had been close to anyone'

I could feel tears prickling in my eyes. I just stared at Jack not really wanting to hear what was coming next, but knowing that I had to. For this part he closed his eyes, like he couldn't look at me while he said the next thing he said.

'I was staying with Lara and her son' I nodded already knowing that from reading the report. 'Well when we got home, well …..'

'I get it' I tell him in a defeated voice, my head dropping and my eyes burning a hole in the carpet

'Do you?' he asks. I look up and see that he has opened his eyes and he is staring straight at me.

I let my head drop again, and the next thing I know he is on his knees in front of me, lifting my chin gently with his thumb and forefinger.

'You see you said that sex doesn't always equal love'

'And you said you had feelings for her' I say defiantly

'Yea I did, I have feelings for her.' He looks deep into my eyes. 'But I love you'

I feel my heart flutter and then he kisses me.