CHAPTER TWO: GANDORF EXPLAINS SOME CRAP AND THE BEST CHARACTER SHOWS UP

They went inside Blaldo's house to talk about why he got murdered. Sam thought his job wasn't important enough to keep up with and he should just go listen, so all the food got ruined. They made him do push-ups and go stand in a corner.

"Listen shwine-hooms," Grundolf said in an annoyingly bossy way once he was sure everybody was listening. "Brolbo was murdered because of THIS."

And he pried something shiny out of Bralbo's cold dead hands. It was a medal of honor, a real one, with a big #1 BEST carved on it. Everyone stared at the medal in awe because it was so manly and powerful. But even though it was so shiny, they could feel the evilness coming out of it like the smell of soup that's gone bad.

"This," Grundorf said, and he said it really dramatically and made the lights go dark with his magic because he liked to show off, "this medallion used to belong to a dark warlord."

Everyone gasped because dark warlords are a big deal.

"Which dark warlord?" Pimply squeaked. He hadn't hit puberty yet so he sounded really pathetic, but everyone held out in hopes that he would reach manhood someday.

"That's that mark of Smoron!" Sam yelped in surprise. Everybody looked at him, and he frowned. "Y'all heard of Smoron, right? He's like the hellish lovechild of Hitler and Stalin or something; I thought everybody knew about him."

"Get back in the corner and stop being a know-it-all!" Gamdalf snapped. "That is why you don't have any friends!"

"You know, perhaps you should give it to someone trustworthy so they can look after it," Married said as he blew a smoke ring. "How much is that worth anyways?"

"Psh, like he'll give it to you," Pomply sneered. "You're FRENCH!"

Mary twisted Poppin's arm so he squealed like a little girl.

"NINE!" And everyone gave Gumdarf a weird look again because shouting numbers while people are fighting is weird. He straightened his pointy wizard hat when he was sure all of them were paying attention. "We can't keep it here in Hobotown, doom-cops! Didn't you see what happened to Bilbi? Everyone will get murdered by Sorbon and his magical servants if we do that!"

"Then let's sell it and split the profit," Mery said. "If you give it to me, I'm sure I could find a buyer, hon hon hon."

Frombo shook his head and pointed to himself, mumbling something under his breath so it was really hard to tell what he was saying.

"What do you want now?" Gumdorf snapped. "You need to learn to speak up so people can understand you."

"He said y'all should give him the medal so he can go on a magical quest to get rid of it," Sam interrupted again. He wasn't doing a very good job of staying in the corner. "But I don't think he should go all by his lonesome; he won't last long out there by himself."

Fordro just kind of stared at Sam blankly.

"Well the only place where this can be destroyed is in Evil-land, where Sormon is the king of the warlords," Gandorf said solemnly. "But I can't go with you the whole way because I need to have a meeting with Sarah-man in his big gray tower of wizard meetings. We're the only two wizards left in all of Middle Earth U.S.A., so we need to figure out how to use our magic to protect freedom and justice or something. You'll need a leader who's a match for Smormon and can lead you men through battle!"

Pompin stood up and flexed his twiggy arms. "Yeah, no problem, I could lead us!" he squeaked.

"NO YOU CAN NOT, MAGGOT!" shouted an impressive voice, and the door burst open. A man in bloodied army fatigues stood framed there, the light from outside coming in around him so he looked even more impressive. He had a sword and knives and all the weapons they had in Middle Earth U.S.A. since they didn't have rocket launchers or guns.

Everyone fell silent and stood at attention.

"I AM ARAGORN, SON OF THAT ONE GUY WHOSE NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER," he told them. "AND I AM GOING TO LEAD YOU SORRY SKIRT-WEARING NINNIES THROUGH THE GATES OF HELL AND BACK!"