ARTHOR'S NOTE
THIS CHAPTER IS LATE BECUSE MY GOOD FOR NOTHING EDITER HID IT SO I HAD TO BEAT THE LOCASHON OUT OF HIM AND MAKE HIM EDIT IT BECUSE HE SAID HE WOUD. COMENCE CHAPTER READING NOW MEN!
Editor's Note
For the record, I did not hide this chapter from Soldier. Someone thought they'd be clever and stow it in my van as a practical joke, but we've got it sorted now. On a related note, next time I see you you're a dead man Spy.
CHAPTER FOUR: MORE PEOPLE SHOW UP PLUS AMYGORN MAKES A GOOD PLAN
Argagon marched past the elves with their moustaches and kangaroos to the Australian Embassy that was in a valley nearby. Lord Elf-face got the hobots to a hospital since Gundorf wasn't there and gave them magic Australian beer to make them feel better. Pretty soon Marry's leg stopped swelling, Sam stopped vomiting, and Froldo's monkey bite stopped bleeding and oozing pus. Nobody could do anything about Popin being a wuss though. He would have to grow up the old fashioned way.
"MORE BEER FOR THE WIMPY HOBLOTS!" said Lord Elf-face as he came into the hospital room carrying two kegs of beer. They all sat up in their beds with their mugs out and ready. Armigrn didn't have any Australian beer because he had his own American beer to drink instead.
He saluted at Lord Elf-face. "WE CAN'T STAY HERE LONG! FRODA HAS SOMETHING IMPORTANT AND WE HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF IT!"
"YOU MEAN THE ONE MEDAL OF HONOR, MATE?"
Anagrom almost spilled his beer. "HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!" he shouted. Sam and Marvy and Popen and Fragdar all cowered in their little hobbo hospital beds.
"POPKIN TOLD ME! HE'S A NOISY LITTLE BLIGHTER ISN'T HE?" Lord Elf-face's muscles flexed as he pointed at the scrawny hawblat.
"DAMMIT PORKINS! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET!" Amragon punched him in the face.
"Ow ow ow! That ain't cool man!"
"BUT ANYWAYS AMYGORE, NOW THAT I DO KNOW, I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A BIG COUNCIL OF ALL THE PEOPLE AND LANDS IN MIDDLE EARTH USA SO WE CAN DECIDE WHAT TO DO WITH IT! AND BY COUNCIL I MEAN CAGE FIGHTING MATCH!"
"I ALREADY MADE THAT DECISION ELF-FACE!" Arbablorm puffed out his chest. "AND THAT DECISION IS THAT FROLLO AND HIS FRIENDS AND ME WILL TAKE IT TO BE DESTROYED IN EVIL-LAND!"
Elf-face roared with laughter. "I THINK YOU'RE JUST SCARED TO GO UP AGAINST ME IN UNARMED COMBAT!"
"LIKE HELL I AM! I COULD TAKE YOU RIGHT NOW IF I FELT LIKE IT!" Armogan jumped to his feet to defend his American honor.
"THEN PROVE IT!" Elf-face drew himself up to his full height, towering above Arbyborn like a giant shirtless fortress. "FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN, AND WE'LL DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS TO THE MEDAL OF HONOR!"
"YOU ARE GOING DOWN YOU POINTY-EARED AUSTRALIAN!" And with that Amblygom jumped bravely forward to attack the hulking elf lord.
"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" Propan jumped out of bed to see the fight better. Sam and Frogman got up too, but that was because Elf-face almost crushed Forgon's bed by falling on it. Sam went to help him and get a better view of the fight. Sam thought elves were cool for some stupid reason. Marvy, however, had mysteriously disappeared.
Anyways Ambergan and Elf-face punched each other and threw beds around and got each other in headlocks a lot. It was one of the manliest two-man brawls Middle Earth USA had ever seen. All of Rivertown shook like there was an earthquake and a battle and an elephant stampede all happening at one time. The elves all ran to the hospital at the noise to watch their leader fighting a great American war hero, including Elf-face's daughter Betsy Ross. She was a half-elf half-American professional apple pie baker who had curly red hair and wore a blue swimsuit.
"Be careful Ambulorn!" she called. "I love you but if you kill my dad we will probably have some problems making this work!"
"DON'T WORRY BETSY! I WOULD NEVER KILL LORD ELF-FACE! I JUST HAVE TO BEAT HIM INTO SUBMISSION!"
Lord Elf-face roared and punched at Acorn's head. "I NEVER GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER!"
Abablorn dodged though, and Elf-face's fist sailed straight into a wall where it broke through the bricks and got stuck. All the Australians gasped. Argon drew himself up and punched Elf-face one last time in his elf face. Elf-face fell over except his hand was still in the wall.
"WELL I'M SORRY SIR, BUT NOTHING CAN STAND IN THE WAY OF FREEDOM AND LOVE AND APPLE PIE!" He saluted the great leader he had vanquished and then turned to the Australians. "OKAY THAT MEANS I WIN, AND YOU NEED TO HELP ME AND THE HABBITS GET TO EVIL-LAND TO DESTROY THE ONE MEDAL OF HONOR! ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE US SUPPLIES OR- DAMMIT BETSY I'M TRYING TO PLAN A QUEST!"
He said the last part because Betsy Ross had thrown her arms around him and was kissing his face a lot. He tried to make her get off except then all his men were congratulating him for winning a fight against such a giant half-dressed opponent. Sam slapped his back and did a dumb cowboy dance. Potkin ran around in circles talking really fast so no one knew what he was saying. Foodo clapped and mumbled and stuff. Even Margie shook his hand and told him well done after he stopped hiding like a Frenchman.
"WELL YOU DID BEAT ME FAIR AND SQUARE," Elf-face grumbled as he got to his feet. "THAT MEANS WE WILL USE YOUR PLAN, BECAUSE OF ELVISH LAW. BUT I STILL DON'T LIKE THAT YOU'RE DATING BETSY!"
"TOUGH, I'M DATING HER ANYWAYS!"
"Hey fellas, maybe right now ain't the time for arguin'."
"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO SAM!" Abrabarn yelled.
"No, Sam's right, look!" Betsy told him. And then Abraham had to look because Betsy was pointing out the window at someone coming up the road. That someone was Gundorf and he looked all beat up. Plus he had two hardened warriors following him and also a bony elf with a bow and arrows.
Farquo jumped up and ran to the door mumbling excitedly. The other hoborts followed him.
"DAMMIT, YOU ARE ALL IN THE WAY! MOVE SO GRUNDURF CAN COME IN! SOMETIMES I THINK I AM THE ONLY ONE ON THIS TEAM WITH ANY SENSE!"
"I'll get them, my all-American sweetie lump!" said Betsy Ross, and she shooed them out of the way. SHe was a good girlfriend and really existed.
Ganondolf came inside limping and wiping blood off his face with a corner of his robes. "Agh... hello everyone. I apologize for my lateness."
"Mawn dew, what happened?" asked Margary. "Did you run into communists?"
"Nah, I bet he ran into some freakin' trolls. Look how beat up he is," argued Pipepin.
"Mmph mrgmf!" argued Foosebo.
"Tell us what happened," Same told Grundlegolf seriously.
"YES," boomed Elf-face. "TELL US SO I CAN BEAT THOSE NANCYS INTO SUBMISSION WITH MY BARE HANDS!"
"That would be difficult- thank you." Grandgolf sat down in the chair Betsy pulled up for him.
"WHY WOULD IT BE DIFFICULT? ARGYLGON IS THE ONLY MAN TO EVER BEAT ME IN A FAIR FIGHT!"
Grandedelf laughed, but it didn't sound like a happy laugh. "You won't get a fair fight from Sarah-mann."
Everyone gasped. Amberbron slammed his fist down on the table. "I NEVER TRUSTED THAT UGLY OLD WIZARD!"
"I thought Sarah-mann was a good guy!" Polkins squealed like a little girl.
"I did as well! That is why I went to the Big Gray Tower of Wizard Meetings to talk with him about what to do with the Medal of Power. But then when he heard that it had been found, he ordered his robots to go find it to bring to him. I was barely able to escape, even with my magic."
"But that don't make no sense. Why would Sarah-mann suddenly decide to be a bad guy?" Sam asked.
"Because," Gorgamelf said in a serious voice, "he has decided to work for Smorgon."
Everyone gasped again because such a horrible treachery had never happened before in the history of Middle Earth USA.
"HOW THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU BLOKES SUPPOSED TO FIGHT SORBERT, COMMUNIST ORCS, AND SARAH-MANN'S ROBOT ARMY?" Elf face wondered. "I WOULD TAKE THEM ALL OUT BY MYSELF, EXCEPT I HAVE TO GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA SOON TO RULE THE AUSTRALIANS SOON!"
Arglegon puffed out his chest and stood at attention the way a true soldier should. "WE WILL BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA, LORD ELF-FACE! THOSE GIRLY LITTLE BARF BAGS WILL HAVE TO TEAR THE ARMS AND LEGS OFF MY COLD DEAD CORPSE BEFORE I LET THEM TAKE OVER!" Amblyblarn turned to eye Gamborf's friends who had been standing around and not saying anything. "A BETTER QUESTION IS WHO THESE PRIVATES ARE, GRUMBLEDORK!"
Grambledarf looked really annoyed and huffy about that question. "I was getting to that. This is Brombobir, Gimlet, and Legless, and they volunteered to help us with this quest."
"Da! We hear about quest to stop evil man, and we decide to help!" said Gimpy. He was the baldest, fattest, and tallest dwarf Abromorn ever saw. He knew he was a dwarf though because he had a beard like a dwarf beard with the sissy braids in it, and also because he talked like a dwarf. Dwarfs were still American but they just sounded funny.
"Shouldn't be too hard what with all of us working together," said Legless, who actually had all of his legs. He was the skinny elf with the bow and arrows. He had a dumb look on his face like a person who wouldn't know good literature if his commanding officer shoved it in his face and told him to edit it.
"Aye, though I don't know about the wee folk," Bumblebir said as he adjusted his skirt. He had a giant sword and an eyepatch like a pirate, which was confusing because he wasn't a pirate apparently. "What good will they be in a fight?"
"THOSE ARE NOT WEE FOLKS, THEY ARE HAMBOTS AND THEY ARE MY MEN!" Allythorn crossed his arms and glowered impressively at the other warrior. "AND AT LEAST THEY DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR BATTLE IN A DRESS!"
"This is no skirt ye blithering blockhead!" shouted Brobomer as he grabbed his sword. "It's a kilt!"
"IT IS NOT PANTS SO IT IS A SKIRT!"
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"
"DUMP COUGHS!"
Then everyone stopped and looked at Gumpgalf, who had started shouting nonsense stuff again to make people pay attention to him. "You will have to put aside your differences if you want to win this war!"
They both grumbled because they knew the wizard was right. But it was going to take many long adventures and travels together before they would be ready to work together as true teammates and brothers in arms.
