Here is what I wish we'd see happening on this week's episode. I know that it isn't going to happen, but I can dream right?
Have had this done for awhile, but just decided to post. Have another, more realistic, version that I'd like to finish and post soon, but we'll see if I can get it done this week!
I don't own 'em, I just play with 'em. I'll return them unharmed, just a bit happier!
What Should Happen Next
Alicia trembled as she hovered outside the entrance to Will's office. This was the moment she'd been dreading since she'd made her decision. She wasn't sure how this was going to go. Actually, she did know. It wasn't going to go well. The degree to which it did not go well was what she was worried about. She'd been tempted to ask Cary to take this burden from her, to tell Will that they were leaving, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. This was her responsibility and she knew it. She'd decided to do this because it was the right thing to do. Telling Will herself was the right thing to do too. It was painful but necessary.
She drew in a breath of courage and stepped up to his door frame, knocking as she asked, "Will, can I have a moment?"
"Sure," he answered, looking up from his work. Whenever she entered his office, she always had his undivided attention. She'd never thought of it in those terms before, and this would probably be the last time it would happen.
She shut the door behind her, and Will didn't miss the gesture. Knowing that this would be a weighty discussion, he stepped away from his desk and moved to his familiar chair, motioning for Alicia to sit on the couch facing him.
"Will, I-" she paused to gather her strength. She was trying her hardest to hold it all in, not to reveal her nerves, but it was draining her. Will took the opportunity to steer the conversation.
"Alicia, I know I said we should talk, but we don't have to do it now. What I mean is, we don't have to do this here. We can meet up later," he said as he glanced around, insinuating that this might not be the best setting to talk about their personal dilemma.
"Will, I need to tell you that I've decided to leave the firm," she said, barely restraining the tears from her voice. Will looked at her in complete shock. He held her gaze long enough to see the tears gathering there and knew she was serious. He looked away, then stood and turned away from her.
"Where are you going?" he asked with his back turned toward her.
"A new firm. Cary and I talked about starting a firm back when our partnerships were taken away and we've just recently decided to move forward. It's for the best, Will," she pleaded, willing him to see the logic of her actions.
"And why is that?" he asked, turning around to face with his red-rimmed eyes.
"Will," she said, with a slight tremor in her voice. "We can't keep doing this. I'm with Peter. I'm the wife of the governor. I can't just keep letting this happen. It has to stop." A couple of tears escaped her eyes, but she didn't raise her hand to wipe them away. It would be too obvious to anyone that was watching them. She was suddenly thankful for her position on the couch, protected from being viewed from Diane's office.
Will turned away again, pacing through his office. Alicia knew she should say something to end this. Something like good bye, or good luck or thank you, anything that would wrap this up and get her out of there. She couldn't find the right words. Nothing felt right. She continued searching as Will paced.
"No," Will said forcefully, suddenly turning back toward her and plopping back into his chair. His voice was hushed and harsh as he spoke. "No, I'm not letting this go. Tell me why. Why are you with Peter? "
Alicia sighed and closed her eyes briefly as she answered. "We have a family. We have a history together. It's more complicated than you might think."
Will gave a sarcastic nod. "So I've been told," he said smartly, referring to the many times he'd heard that excuse from her before. "And while you were raising his children and keeping his house, he was out there hiring hookers. Or did you forget that?"
"Will, I know this is hard but-" Alicia started.
Sensing where she was going, Will cut her off. "Do you love him?" he asked abruptly.
"Yes," she answered, dropping her eyes to her lap. When she raised them up again, Will was staring at her intently.
His eyes narrowed as he spoke. "If things were so perfect, you wouldn't be doing this. If you were in love with him, you wouldn't need to leave just so you could avoid me. If you were getting what you needed at home, Alicia, you wouldn't be stealing kisses from me."
His words struck her. She was caught off guard. She'd expected anger from him, but anger about her career decisions, not the personal ones. How could he read her so well? Her mouth gaped open as she found herself speechless.
Will's words hung in the silence between them for a few long moments before he continued, his voice softened a bit but still carrying the evidence of his anger. "I've been hinting at this and dancing around it for years, and I'm done. I love you Alicia. I have been in love with you since Georgetown. I haven't spoken up before, but I'm not letting you go so easily this time."
Alicia fell backward into the couch cushions in complete shock. She made no move to speak. Words were inconceivable. She just stared at Will as he continued, his anger spurring him on, but his nerves revealed in his voice and his posture.
"I know you think I don't measure up, but just listen. I haven't given you children, but I would love your children as my own. I know you'd do anything for them, and I would too if you would let me into their lives. I may not have the history you spoke of, but I've spent the last 20 years in love with you. I've searched high and low for a woman as wonderful as you, but none of those women were you. None of them completed me the way you complete me. I know you, body and soul, Alicia. The details of every day life are tiny compared to that. And I may not be the governor, but that means I am free to love you and only you. I bring no drama, no press, no spotlight. Just a life sharing a love for the law. If you can't handle that, fine, but I wasn't going to let you leave without knowing all that."
Inside Alicia's head, her thoughts tumbled around. Her heart rose into her throat. A queasiness settled in her stomach. Her eyes roamed the room, searching for an answer. Will was still in his chair, leaning out over his knees and staring at his hands. He seemed afraid to look up at her.
What was she going to do? What could she say to that? Moments ago she'd been so sure in her decision, and now she felt uneasy, uncertain. Does knowing this change things? She needed to think.
"Wow," she finally said, under her breath but still loud enough for Will to hear. He looked up at her, waiting for what would come next. "I just-I wasn't expecting that," she admitted, her face revealing heartfelt honesty. She leaned forward, placing both heels firmly on the floor as if she were about to stand. "I'd like to take some time. There's a lot to sort out here," she said, finishing with a slight smile.
Will nodded tersely. "Of course," he said, his face tight with the tension between them. Alicia stood and left Will with only a tense, uncomfortable smile. It was all she had to offer.
Alicia somehow made her way back to her office, though she didn't remember walking there. She glanced at the still bare shelves. She'd been looking forward to filling them, until she decided to leave. What was she going to do now?
Anxiety rose in her chest. She felt like the walls were closing in on her. She needed to get outside. Quickly, she turned and left her office.
She forced herself to delay her exit long enough to stop by Cary's office. She entered in a flurry, immediately grasping Cary's attention.
"How'd it go?" Cary asked, knowing that it couldn't have gone well.
"Don't talk to Diane," she said abruptly, ignoring his question.
"What?" he asked in astonishment when she turned around to leave again.
"Just trust me, don't tell her." Finally the situation clicked in Alicia's head and she realized how crazy she must sound to Cary right now. "Look, we'll talk later, but for now, don't tell Diane."
Alicia buzzed out of Cary's office as quickly as she buzzed in and headed to the elevator. Moments later, she was out in front of the building soaking up the sunshine. Then she just started walking.
What had she just done? She told Cary to delay their plans because of a confession of love? Was she really going to break up her family just because of Will's feelings for her? This didn't change anything, did it?
She longed for someone to talk to. Someone to bounce ideas off of. Her brain was so confused that what she needed most was to verbalize her thoughts. Laying everything out on the table would make it easier to sort it all out.
There was no one left in her life she could trust with this. She needed her father, but he was gone. She had tried to talk to Owen as she would have once spoken to her father, but she couldn't trust him with this. If he told their mother...well the last thing this situation needed was Veronica's touch.
Nope, she was on her own here. She had to figure this out for herself, the one thing she'd told Will she couldn't do just a few days ago.
None of the reasons she decided to make it work with Peter had gone away. She still had the kids to think about. They still had a long history together. She still didn't want to be a statistic, a divorcee, a headline. She and Peter could still benefit one another professionally.
And yet, there was the hang up. What did she and Peter have beyond their professional lives? A good time on the campaign bus? She tried to imagine living together again, and she could only imagine it would be the same as it was before she'd moved him out of the apartment. Yes, they could work on their marriage, but would it work? Could they really rebuild what they'd lost?
Will's confession forced her to look more closely where those dark shadows of doubt hung over the corners of her life. There was uncertainty and risk in staying with Peter, just as there would be if she pursued something with Will. Neither man was a safe choice.
Will's words kept coming back to her. Why was she stealing kisses from him when she'd recommitted to Peter? What was it that kept driving her back to Will? If she could put her finger on it, she'd solve her problem. But it just wasn't that easy. There was no flashlight to shine on her life and make her see it all clearly. She was back at square one, clueless and unsure.
Hopelessly, she turned into a bar, deciding to seek clarity in the bottom of shot glass.
An hour later, she sat huddled in a booth in the back of the bar. She didn't want to be seen drinking alone at a bar in the middle of the day and she just wanted to be left alone. The waitress kept clearing away her empty glasses so she wasn't sure how many tequila shots she'd had, but she knew she was nursing a heavy buzz.
She still didn't know what she was going to do. She kept going back and forth between Will and Peter. She was in the same place she'd been when she sat down, just with alcohol pulsing through her veins now.
She'd been slumped against the back wall, but she scooted out toward the end of the booth to try and catch the waitress' attention. One more drink wouldn't hurt. One more and then what? She wouldn't think about that now.
Alicia ran her fingers through her hair, a nervous habit as she contemplated what to do next. Glancing around, the waitress was no where to be found. The bar was far from being crowded, but there were enough customers to keep the staff somewhat busy. She was able to flag the bartender's attention, as she was talking to a customer at the counter. The customer's eyes followed the bartender as she walked around the end of the bar to reach Alicia's table. From her peripheral vision, she noticed the customer at the bar staring at her. She ordered her drink and turned to give the stranger a discouraging stare. It was Will.
For a long moment, they just stared at one another. Alicia digested her disbelief and drank up the sorrow she saw in Will's eyes. Will took in the sight of her, then turned back to the bar.
A mixture of relief and disappointment washed over Alicia as she sank back into her lonely corner. She was alone and that's how it should be.
She was startled to see Will slink into the seat across from her and set his drink down on her table. She began to regret consuming so much alcohol as she failed to quiet the flutters in her stomach. Alicia forced herself to sit up and shook her hair back from her face.
"Whatcha doing here?" Will asked solemnly.
"What does it look like?" Alicia returned smartly. She hoped that her words weren't slurring together.
Matter of factly, Will answered, "It looks like you're getting drunk."
"Well, yeah, you got that right," she said, taking a sip of the drink that had been brought to the table without her notice.
After a few seconds of silence, Will stated, "Look, I didn't mean to do this to you, Alicia. We can just forget it if you want."
"No, we can't. You've said it and its there and its not going away." Alicia took another sip before she continued. "And why does it sound like you're the one apologizing to me? I'm the one at fault here."
"Alicia," Will pleaded before she cut him off.
"No, its true. I'm the one leaving your firm and taking away clients. I'm the one who has refused to look your way for all these years. I'm the one that screwed up at Georgetown." He couldn't miss her slurring now. He had to know how drunk she was.
Will chose to step over her blood alcohol level as he said, "No, you didn't. I didn't make myself clear. I didn't fight hard enough for you. I didn't know what it would feel like to lose you."
"Will, it wouldn't have mattered what you said. I was pregnant. I chose Peter because I was having his baby." The alcohol running through her body made it easier for the words to roll off her tongue. It made it easier to admit her past aloud.
Silence overtook them. Alicia took another sip but Will just stared down at his glass. Finally, he looked up with a weak smile as he said, "I guess its my turn to be shocked. Look I don't know what would have happened with us back then. Its the past and its done. I've been looking back and wishing things were different for the last 20 years. I want to have a future, Alicia."
His eyes silently pleaded with her. She knew exactly what he wanted: what she had promised to Peter.
She turned her gaze down to her glass and tried to make her decision. She knew that she couldn't but she tried anyway.
Will began to fill in the silence. "I guess its nice to have options," he said bluntly.
Alicia's head snapped up, her eyes locking with his. She let out half of a chuckle as she said, "Right, it's just peachy here on the latest episode of 'Love Triangle Island'."
Will swallowed his drink before he answered, "At least you know you won't be alone. Whatever you decide, you won't be alone."
His words hung between them as she digested his perspective. "But I'll know that I've hurt someone I love," she whispered. In her foggy brain, her word choice didn't set off any alarms, but Will perked up at that particular four letter word. "No matter what I do, someone gets hurt. If I chose Peter, its you. And if I don't, there's my kids and Peter." She ran both hands up into her hair, trying to support the weight of this issue on her elbows. "I almost wish someone would take it out of my hands. I wish I didn't have to make a choice."
Will stared at her, looking helplessly down at the table as she considered her plight. "I'm sorry, Alicia. Just do what you think will be best." He was trying to give her a way out, a way to crush his heart without feeling guilty about it. She didn't take it that way.
"How do I know what will be best? What if I do what my head tells me is right, but in a year or five or ten, I'm completely miserable? What if this destroyed my relationship with my kids? Whatever I choose, there's no going back. There's no guarantee. Nothing is safe. I don't think there's a right answer here." Alicia wiped away the tear that had rolled down her cheek as she spoke.
Will stared at her again and then looked down at the table. A few seconds later, when his eyes rose to meet hers, there was a fire in his eyes she hadn't seen in a long time. He reached out his hand to grasp hers, willing her not to pull away. "Alicia, you have to stop thinking of everyone else. You've been doing it so long, it comes as second nature to you now. Stop thinking about what will happen to everyone else, and think about what you want. What you really want and what will make you happy. You gave up a career and jumped into a marriage to serve the interests of others. Don't you think its time you considered yourself?"
Alicia stuttered her reply, "But - but the - the people I love affect me too. I can't just decide this without considering them."
"Alicia, do you really think that if everyone around you is happy, you'll be happy too? It's not a disease. Its not contagious. You are responsible for your own happiness, Alicia, and no one else's. They make their own choices in life and you can't make those choices for them."
Somehow his words struck her alcohol soaked brain cells. He was right. Her kids were nearly grown. Peter and Will were adults. They were responsible for their own happiness. She could be there for them. She could make the situation as easy for them as possible, but she couldn't choose to be happy for them. They had to choose that themselves. She had to choose for herself.
"Ok, so how do I choose what's right for me? How do I know what will make me happy?"
"I can't tell you that. You'll have to come up with that one on your own." Will smirked a bit, finding the tiniest bit of humor in the irony of her questions.
Alicia sank back into the booth as she sank back into her thoughts. Life with Peter would be predictable. Peter was predictable. She'd learned his ways over the past 20 years. Did she want to pursuit her old life? Was she truly happy back then? She realized that she had been happy at the same moment that she realized that she couldn't be happy with that life again. She liked the challenges she'd found in her career. She liked what she'd made of her life. She didn't want to step back to what she'd been before. So life with Peter would be about starting over. But not starting over. They couldn't just forget the past. They'd be tempted to fall into old patterns. Not just the logistics of who came home at what time and who made dinner. The roles in the relationship, the things they expected from one another, the sex they'd been having for years. They could try to wipe the slate clean, but would it work? It was challenging, and she was up for a challenge, but this wasn't just about her. Peter would have to be committed to the challenge too, at a time when he was already burdened with his new role as governor. His heavy responsibilities. His travel schedule. His public image.
What had she been thinking? She hung her head as she was overcome by all these thoughts. Had she really thought that she could face building a firm from the ground up while rebuilding her marriage and sending two kids off to college, as her husband's career shifts gears? It seemed overwhelming. It seemed highly improbable.
She looked forward to the coming years if she chose to share them with Peter. She saw them both bogged down with work, coming home exhausted at the end of the day to a house void of their college enrolled children. She saw them making whatever strides they could to keep their home life easy, simple, predictable.
Predictable was not going to work.
Alicia looked up across the table at an already clean slate. Life with Will would have its challenges, but they would be building a life together from the ground up. There would be no rubble to step around. Their foundation wasn't already cracked. They spoke the same language and lived the same life. For the first time she saw life with Will as a possibility.
She gazed into Will's eyes as she contemplated her heart. Did she want to explore the possibilities with Will? His love for her was fresh and new, eager as a puppy to please her. Looking inward, she found her own heart fluttering at the thought. She loved him. She wanted him to be happy. She felt best when she was with him, at least when she forgot to feel guilty first. She wanted to spend time with him. She was in love with him. That was what had kept driving her back to Will. That was what had kept her in limbo all this time. That was why she'd been holding herself back from Peter. She'd had to work at trying to love Peter, offering her body as a gateway to her heart. With Will, it was like a river. She couldn't stop it if she tried. It was all so clear now, she couldn't believe she hadn't seen it before.
She held Will's gaze as she slipped the diamond ring off of her left hand and slipped it onto a finger on the right. He didn't miss the gesture and his eyes widened in response.
"What do you say we give this a shot?" she asked, her face spread wide in a grin as tears sparkled in her eyes.
Will squeezed her hand and nodded, holding back his own tears and trying not to let it show. "Lets get out of here," he whispered hoarsely.
"There's a hotel in the next block," she said suggestively.
"Is that a good idea?" Will asked. When he saw her confused response, he added, "I don't want to take advantage." His gesture toward her empty shot glass made his meaning clear. "We can start slow."
"I've made my decision, Will, and I want to act on it. No more bad timing. Let's make our own timing."
He smiled at her as they stood to leave the bar together.
Two hours later
Alicia's chest heaved as she struggled to draw in the breath her body needed. She glanced over at Will, beside her on the bed, and smiled. He returned the smile and rolled over to her, throwing an arm around her waist and burying his head in her shoulder. He was exhausted after their excursion.
Alicia stared up at the ceiling, still wearing her smile, as she recalled how it had started.
They entered the hotel room cautiously. They'd had some apprehension about being seen at a hotel together and tried to keep a low profile to avoid attention. As soon as the door closed, though, Will sprang into action. He whirled around, pressing her gently against the door and kissing her passionately. Her head was spinning as she grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him closer to her. He was gentle, yet insistent. She returned his fervor and soon their clothes fell to the floor as they made their way to the bed.
She remembered blushing a little at baring herself to him once again. She remembered the reassuring look in his eyes. She remembered meeting his eyes as they came together, consecrating a union made over shots just a few hours earlier.
Alicia turned her head towards him now, and he looked up at her when he noticed the movement. Their eyes met once again and Alicia's eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry we didn't do this sooner," she said with her emotion worn plainly in her voice.
Will pulled her closer and shook his head. "No, this is right. We had to make our own timing." He pulled her in for a kiss and then she settled herself in his arms.
"I love you," she whispered quietly.
"I love you too," he returned in a whisper, giving her a squeeze for emphasis.
Tomorrow, there would be battles to face. Tomorrow, they would face the world. Alicia marveled at the fact that it didn't seem so scary any more. What had been so overwhelming only hour earlier now seemed easy. Now, she had a partner by her side.
