So this is the chapter where it gets kinda intense. Only kinda. Anyway enjoy.
The first day went by successfully. No embarrassing spills on clothes, no walking into the wrong classroom, no mispronunciation of names, no calling my teacher mom, nothing. It all went smoothly. I had my friends, I made a new one - an awesome one for that matter- and I have plans after school. I never have plans the first day after school, so this is a new turn out. The bus takes me home and I walk into the empty house, throwing my backpack on the couch and running up the stairs to my room. I take a look in my mirror and there come the bad thoughts. I don't see myself as the 'pretty boy' that everyone describes me as. I don't see myself as the platinum blonde, hazel eyed, muscular, six foot tall guy everyone describes me as. I see a hideous person...someone who isn't attractive, someone who isn't wanted. I hate myself. I grab the notebook under my pillow. It's not a diary, it really isn't. It's what my therapist told me to get. He told me to write in it to express my feelings, he told me that it would help. He told me a lot of stuff. He also was wrong. It did help, for a minute. But never permanently. I just want to be happy. Ally and I are meeting at the park at 4:30. I can't break down now. I can't. I find a pen and start writing in the book in hopes that it'll calm me enough to meet up with Ally. She had me smiling all day, I can't let the bad thoughts weigh over the good. But the bad...everything's bad. I'm hideous. I might have these feelings for Ally, I might. If I do then what? Then I'm screwed, I'm screwed because someone as gorgeous as her would never like someone like me, someone as sweet and upbeat as her would never love someone like me. I'm a broken person in a broken world. A tear slips down my cheek and I write. I write about how I feel. But after thirty seconds I notice I haven't written a word but instead I've scribbled. I've scribbled all over the page, a big dark black mess of scribbles. I pick up the notebook and throw it across the room and screen loudly.
"THAT'S WHAT I AM. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I AM!" I scream as I lean against my wall and slide down. "I'm just a black mess of nothing. I have no meaning and no purpose, I'm ugly...and people don't accept me. That's what I am. I am a meaningless scribble on another page. I'm worthless," I mumble to myself. I reach my hand up and grab the tac that is sitting on my dresser. I throw my stupid bracelets and make a single cut to each wrist. I was as the blood drips and I laugh. "I'm worthless. I'm so worthless and it's so funny. I have no purpose yet I'm here, I'm pathetic. I couldn't hold myself together for a day,". I sob into my shirt. I stay in that position, unmoving for the next thirty minutes until Ally texts me saying she's on her way to the park. I clean my cuts off, put my bracelets back on and change my shirt that's now stained with tears and blood. "Real men don't cry Austin," I say to myself. Yeah, and you're not a real man. You're nothing..I wash my face off in attempt to make it look like I wasn't crying and I look somewhat decent. I grab my backpack and walk out the door read to go to the park. I decide to walk, because last time I drove in this state I nearly drove myself into a building.
"Hi Austin!" Ally sing-songs and although I feel horrible I can't help but smile. She extends her arms for a hug and I burrow my head in her hair.
"Hey Ally," I reply and we walk over to a picnic table near us. She sits on one side and I sit on the other. I try to see what she pulls out of her folder but I can't read it.
"Alright. So I wrote a list," She begins and I cock my head to the right, giving a questioning look as to what she's talking about. She continues, "It's a list of what we're covering today. I mean we have to work on our song, but I think we should get the stuff that we said we'd talk about tonight out of the way first," Ally explains and I nod.
"Okay, so what's on the list?" I question, she writes something else down and then slides the paper over.
List of things Austin and I need to talk about:
Austin working as a waitor
Dez giving Austin his pants.
Why people call me 'Bruises'.
Why I have stage fright
Why I moved to Miami
Austin and Cassidy's "romance"
Why Austin cut himself after school
I re-read the last bullet on the list three or four times and look up at Ally. I take the pen from her and write a new bullet.
How Ally knew I cut myself after school today.
I slid the list back over to her and she looked at me and nodded. "Okay, lets start with you working as a waitor," Ally suggest and I began my explanation.
"First I would like to point out that your stage fright should actually be the first thing on the list-" I begin but am cut off immediately.
"It'll make more sense if it be told later. So go on,"
"I'm going to hit two birds with one stone and talk about my job and Cassidy. I want to sing. That's why I'm in music class with you. Not because it's an easy class, but because it's what I want to do. I'm not even that good at singing, and I probably wouldn't be able to handle all the hate I'd get, but I love to sing. So I applied to a job at Melody's Diner. It's basically a restaurant where you have to sing to your customers. I met Cassidy there, because she walked in as a customer and I thought she was really pretty...and I wanted to say something but I decided I'd hold back to see if I liked her personality. We became close friends and I introduced her to all of my friends, who you met. The minute Dallas met Cassidy he fell head over heels for her and I didn't want to even try to date her because I saw he liked her far more than I ever could. So I let the emotions I had die down and that's how that went. Two years later and look where I am. Dallas and Cassidy are happier than ever. So that's good. Oh and as for the reason I quit, it was too much stress on my part,"
"Woah. Okay, so you don't like Cassidy anymore. Interesting. Next thing is why did Dez give you his pants?"
"I spilled apple juice on myself the first day of school and it looked like pee so he, a complete stranger at the time, took his pants off and gave them to me so I wouldn't be embarrassed. He's been my best friend ever since. So now you have to tell me why everyone calls you bruises, and why you have stage fright,"
"Alright, this is a weird one...so stick with me. Leave all questions till the end," I nod in agreement and she begins to tell me her story. "So my dad, he's an alcoholic. He drinks all the time, he always has. Right at the end of sophomore year like mid May, my Mom
and Dad were in the car driving somewhere I don't know where...but my Dad was drunk. Some stuff happened and he slammed into a wall or a building or I don't even know. All I know is my mom wasn't wearing a seat belt and she died automatically. She slammed her head into the dashboard and died from the impact. My dad was pressed with charges or something like that but we moved here to Miami to "get away from the reputation". It's all a problem. As for why people call me Bruises, it's because I would ALWAYS come to school with bruises and cuts and scrapes all over me. I told them it was from skateboarding but that was a lie. It's because my brother beats me up. It's not his fault though, he just has anger issues. I still love him, he doesn't mean to hurt me. It's just that sometimes when something bad happens, like he looses a game, or him and his girlfriend get in a fight he just punches me a few times. But it's really no big deal cause he's only two years old than me, so it's nothing. Lastly, the reason I have stage fright is because my mom was the only one who complimented my singing, but my dad and brother did nothing but mock me. They said I was horrible and I was so bad that I should die, and if I didn't they'd kill themselves. I'm just self conscious about singing now because of it. It's actually nothing interesting though, so it's no big deal," Ally finishes with a smile.
"Ally! How the hell did you just tell me all of that and smile through it? How could you let your brother abuse you? How are you not sad your moms gone? How could you let your dad take you away from your home? How do you not HATE him?" I scream while slamming my fists on the picnic table.
"Austin, calm down it's not big deal-"
"Yes Ally! It is. It is a big deal. A very big deal, you shouldn't be so happy about all this!"
"Austin, you think I'm happy with it? I'm not. But there's no point in being sad. Like really, life's about living and smiling. Sad people don't get anywhere in life so I just decided I'm not going to be sad about any of it. Anything that upsets me I write down and then I'm free. I don't feel sad anymore, and if I still do, I ignore it. Cause being sad does nothing for you. It just makes you hate everything more. That's why I smile. Cause even though I might not have the prettiest or whitest smile, I know that if someone sees me smile, they might smile too...and that's all I want. I just want everyone to be happy,"
"Wow...that's wow. But Ally, I still don't understand how none of this affects you,"
"It can affect me. I just don't let it," Ally says reaching her hands out to mine. "Now tell me why you cut yourself today," She demands
"Because life sucks," I mutter and I get an automatic looks from Ally.
"Austin, your life does not suck. Life itself doesn't suck. You don't understand," She says raising her voice a little bit.
"No Ally. Obviously YOU don't understand. Do you know why people cut? Because it's a distraction. For one moment you don't feel all the pain, the loss, the hurt. All you feel is the razor going into your skin, the blood dripping down your arm, leg, stomach. You don't think about how alone you are, or how fat and ugly you are. You don't think about the way people talk about you behind your back, you don't think about the way your family's fighting, or how your friends hate you. All you think about is the blood. And the addicting part? Well that's when all the hurt and pain comes back. When the cut isn't fresh, and you can feel all the build up of sadness and lonliness inside you. So you have to do it again, but this time you have to do it a little deeper so the numbness will last longer. The pain inside will be delayed longer. And as the pain inside gets worse and worse, you have to make the pain outside worse and worse. It's all about control. You can't control the pain on the inside so you get to control it all on the outside," I somewhat shout completely out of breath by the end about to cry. Ally gets up and walks over to my side of the picnic table. She wraps her arms around me and I move her petite figure onto my lap while hugging her back.
"Austin, I won't judge you at all if you cry. You know that right?" Ally asks and I nod my head that is placed in between her neck and shoulder.
"You're the only one who knows about any of this..and you're so good about it. Thank you Ally," I say a few tears coming down my face. After sitting like that for a good ten minutes I break away from the hug. "You must think I'm such a loser. We met less than ten hours ago and you already know my biggest secret, you've seen me yell, and you've seen me cry,"
"Nope. You're far from a winner. I think you're brave, you confessed the truth to me. You didn't hide it, you told the truth and you're trying to help yourself. So now you need to stop. Okay?" I listen to her speak and I nod in agreeance. The rest of the day is spent with us just talking...about everything. We talk about our friends, our family - well more myself than Ally - then Ally brings up what she wants to do with her life.
"I don't know, I feel like my true passion and calling is music, but I can't sing...I have stage fright. I just want to be in the music business. I want to do something. I want to move to California, get far away from the East Coast really. I'll move to California, go to UCLA and do what I can with my life. I'll get a crappy apartment, make enough money to pay for it, put out student loans for college...I don't know. I just wanna go," She says in a rush. "What about you? What do you wanna do? Where do you wanna go to college?" I inhaled a sharp breath and answered her uneasily.
"I don't know. I don't think I'm going to college. I'll probably just work at a super market or something,"
"What do you WANT to do," She asks me sweetly. I look up at the now night sky and I see all the stars in the sky and I smile to myself. Without looking down at Ally I begin to talk.
"Same as you, I'd wanna work with music. But I can't write songs so I won't be able to get notice..." I say laughing at the thought of it. I look over at Ally who is now laying on the picnic table looking at the stars. I make her scootch over, I put my hands behind my head, and I lay next to her admiring the stars.
"I can write songs," Ally says softly and with that I turn my head and begin looking at her.
"You can write songs?" I say just as softly as she did before and she just moans a little, which I assume is a yes. "We can work together some-" My word is cut off by my own yawn. "Some time. We should work together sometime," I say and she nods her head agreeing, her eyes now shut. I take my hands from behind my head and put them to my sides. My left hand is next to Ally's and I smile at how oddly warm her hands are. I shut my eyes and think about it, everything that's been happening since I met her only fourteen hours ago. Crap fourteen hours ago? I reach into my pocket and look at my phone and I see it's only 9:30 at night. I turn off my phone unknowingly and stick it back in my pocket as I close my eyes once again. I reach my hand towards Ally's and grab it. I can lie and say it was subconsciously, but I did it purposely. It was nice to know I had her. I mean...who can find a friend like that within just a few minutes of meeting? Probably any one who meets Ally. I think, and that's the last thought that is remembered from that night, because I fall asleep.
So lovelies, I hope you enjoyed it! But I'm gonna ask you for ten views if you want me to upload the new chapter. Thanks :* 3
