Hi hi~~ I know its been awfully long since I updated. My exam is over now, so perhaps I can update more. But my muse seems to have ran away with Syaoran so...
I hope you all can enjoy this chapter. ^^ Ja-ne~
But I cannot
It was that dream again.
Summer.
Hot blazing weather.
Crackling flames.
A woman screaming.
A wail that made my heart turn to ice and my blood freeze in my veins. It was a heartbreaking scream. In my dream, I felt a deep grief. Not unlike when my family died.
Then the scene changed into one that I was very familiar with.
Blood splattered the floor as they fell like rag dolls onto the pool of blood. Glassy eyes open, the life gone from them.
Broken.
I tried to shut my eyes but my body would not let me. It was as if I was petrified.
Unable to move.
Unable to scream.
Unable to feel anything at all.
It was terrifying.
I awoke with a start. My heart still beating like someone who had just done a 10km marathon. Slowly, I tried to calm myself down and loosen my rock hard fist. My hands were trembling and the grief and horror I had felt was still lingering in the depth of my mind. Like an ever haunting shadow. I clenched my teeth willing it all away trying to get back to sleep. And I did fall into uneasy sleep.
I awoke at dawn. Somehow still in tatters. My body was still aching all over but I was healing and I could move now, so I helped myself up gradually and tried to get out of the room.
I needed fresh air. I needed to breathe.
But I was not yet strong enough. I stopped in the middle of my actions, taking huge mouthfuls of air but hurting my chest instead.
Just then Li came in and quickly tried to help me back into bed. I waved him away weakly.
"Help me get out."
He frowned and crossed his arms. My eyebrows twitched.
"U-huh. Like you should be moving at all."
"Please."
He must have heard the desperation in my voice. Sighing, he told me to wait so that he could go get a wheelchair. When he came back, he gently help me into the wheelchair, trying not to jostle me too much. Then he wrapped a checkered blanket around me tightly.
"The morning air is cold, so we have to keep you warm alright." He clucked like a mother hen.
As he wheeled me out of my room, my heart was still warmed with the tiny thoughtful gesture and the blanket felt like a golden fleece around me.
We went into the garden that surrounded the hospital where there are thousands of beautiful flowers. It was spring now and I spotted Hyacinths, Snowdrops, Irises and Momos.
My knowledge of flowers were from my mother. She had a smaller garden like this in our old home. Every evening, she would work in the garden. Tending gently to the plants like they were her babies. Always with a smile on her face As if she was content.
Suddenly, I felt a petal against my face and I looked up to see a beautiful Sakura tree. My namesake. I gasp as more and more petals fluttered down in the breeze. The soft sunlight filtering through the light pinks petals. It was beautiful and I felt something swell in my heart.
It was a deep gratitude for this beauty. I felt tears well in my eyes and I swiped them away, sniffling a little. Syaoran was quiet in the peaceful silence.
We sat there in the cold morning breeze enjoying each other's company a sense of tranquility between us. There was no need for words as the Sakura petals fell. It was so nice and quiet that I was almost half asleep.
" Sakura…"
"Hmm?" I turned around to gaze up at him with hooded eyes. I was content then. His eyes widened for a fraction of a second and I thought I saw his cheeks tint a light red.
" I love you."
And all hell broke loose. I was rudely snapped out of my day-dreams and I glared up at him.
" Don't joke about thing like that." I sneered and I turned back to my Sakuras but the feeling was gone and I was angry. At the same time I was panicking. I didn't know what to do. There has been a feeling that up until now has been kept away, hidden. A terrible feeling that must not be felt.
He replied, frustrated. " I'm not joking. I love you. Can you not accept me?"
There was pain in his voice and my heart involuntarily clenched. I didn't want him to get hurt. Not one bit. Hurting him was like stabbing myself in the heart again and again. It was just as painful for me.
And I wondered at why would I feel this way? The answer was as simple as that.
Love.
If not love then what? But I was in too deep. I had to get out.
"I cannot accept you. Not even in a million years." I couldn't look him in the eye, afraid of the hurt that I would see in those warm amber orbs. I didn't want to face him.
He grabbed my wrist and forcefully turn me around to look at him. I winced as the bruise on my wrist was not healed yet. He quickly let go, frustration still evident in his movements.
" See! I can't even touch you without hurting you! I want to protect you! When I brought you to the hospital that day the doctor asked me if you had had any fights previously. There were obviously old scars on your body and I couldn't tell him anything. I was so helpless then. I wanted to protect you from all those things. Please….. Let me. Let me love you. I promise I won't hurt you."
"No…I can never accept you."
"Why not?" he bellowed.
What could I say? That I would be too much of a burden? That I would still lose him in the end? That I was too broken to have him love me? That I was not worth it? There were so many reasons and not one of them could I tell him. Because he was precious to me. I accept that now. But still….. I could not let him love me.
" Go find someone else. I'm sure there are many other wonderful girls out there who is in need of your love."
" I can't! I have fallen too deep!" He harshly whispered to me and my eyes widened as his lips crashed into mine.
You know how they say that when you have your first kiss there would be fireworks and all that? That it would be wonderful?
Yeah. I felt all of that.
His arms came around to hold me tightly and it was no use struggling. It felt like fireworks had just gone off in my body. It was so wonderful. Sweet and loving. And I could not stop my self from kissing back.
I jolted as I realised how deep his love was. Could someone really love another this deep in just a few months? I wanted to cry. It was no use loving me so. All this wonderful feeling will just go to waste.
But I wanted to feel that beautiful feeling of having your love received and given back by your lover. To have someone share that love. Knowing that he is the only one in the world that is connected to you like this. It must be nice.
But I could not have it.
We broke apart for air, panting and red in the cheeks and I had to turn away to hide the tears. He couldn't see it. Never.
" I will never be able to love you. Give up now. Go find someone better. Someone more worthy. Go. Please, I don't want to see you."
He was silent but he did walk away. I could feel his sadness that was near despair and the tears fell faster and my body shook with all the effort done to contain it. I will not cry out in front of him.
Not even if I wanted those strong arms around me again. That warm cocoon feeling. The knowing that I was safe in his embrace. Not even if I wanted his smile, his laugh, his love.
His presence.
I love him.
Yes.
But I cannot have him.
So~~~ Was it ok? I know it has been emotional but next chapter will be more lighthearted I guess. Anyway R&R please!(So you'll get a Naruto to hug and cuddle~)
P.S. The naruto in Shippuden is like so mature and I can't believe his skin fell off when he was four tails! I was like : What? Omg! And Orochimaru is a f***ing pedophile. He is sick and disgusting. Ew.
P.P.S. Sasuke is looking good~~~(Yeah I know he is an emo old grandma but still HOT!) Itachi too! Kakashi~~~ *nosebleed*
P.P.P.S. Prince of Tennis is very cool!
Bye~~~
JenAr. XD
