We ran and ran for what seemed like hours before stopping below a Sakura tree. It seemed as if I had a certain fate with my namesake.

We were panting hard by the time we had reached the enormous tree at the edge of the school grounds and my calves were hurting as I tried to catch my breath. Sya- Li seemed much better off than me. He had hardly broken a sweat and was waiting for me as I tried to calm down the beating heart and heavy pants.

Slowly, everything fell into silence except for the sound of loud and dull thuds in my head.

"Sakura. Look at me" I heard his voice from above and cursed his tall physique as his shadow loomed over me and I could feel the heat radiating from his body. Stubbornly, I lowered my heard still and wouldn't look up.

Be still my heart.

I don't think it's listening.

Gently, I felt fingers lift my chin up to meet warm hazel eyes that held the world's sweetest chocolate fondue. My heart stutter and I wrenched my face away from his hands. Biting my lip, I stepped back from him, trying to put some distance between us despite the pleadings of my heart. His hands fell away and laid by his side. I didn't dare look at the things I would see.

"Sakura, please, hear me out."

I said nothing. Silently storing away the sound of his voice for the late nights.

"Sakura, I want us to be friends."

And there goes my heart.

What was I expecting? That he would pine for me after what I had done to him? That he would kneel and grovel for my love? I would never want that from him.

But being friends isn't as easy as it seemed.

I love him.

So much so that it hurts. It's like this never ending thirst when you are lost in the desert and there wasn't any water left. It was a hunger for the care he would give and the looks he would sent my way. But now there won't be anymore. There was no more.

But this was what I wanted wasn't it? That we would still have friendship even though it want possible for love?

So I tucked the emotions away and tugged up the ends of my mouth to form a smile for him. Because he at least deserves that much. And I wanted to be friends too.

At least, a friend could be close to him. At least while we were friends, I could still talk to him and laugh with him. At least, when we were friends, I could still be near him.

Friends.

I didn't know that it was such a complicated word until now.

"Sure. We'll be friends. Glad you thought it through." I grinned up at him and patted his shoulders. He smiled back at me and ruffled his hair.

"Haha, thanks. I was worried that you wouldn't accept my offer. Let's get back to the others before they worry about what I had done to you."

I laughed with him and followed him through the track back to the cafeteria.

" I'm sure they aren't as bad as that."

"You don't know them yet. Wait until you see them when they prank someone, or spy on others. Especially Tomoyo."

"That I may have to see for myself."

"Mmhm."


We fell into lulled silence for the last few minutes' walk back. We were at a place we were never at before. We can have friendly pats on the back and cheerful laughs at the antics of our mutual friends, people I have mostly only got to know today. Life was good to me, I guess.

It's been a few weeks since out little talk by the tree. Uni was considerably better with friends that I could call my own. Just yesterday, I got to witness first hand Tomoyo's spying expertise when she tagged along to a date between Naoko and the shy boy from her applied psychology class.

The sun had yet to rise when I was woken up by my phone ringing loudly on the bedside table. I groaned and banged a bit around for it until my hands finally came upon a solid and rectangular object. I flipped the cover open and press it to my ears, muttering about the loving world and people who interrupted other's sleep.

"Hello…?" I growl into the phone and got a cheerful laugh in reply.

"Hey, Sakura-chan, rise and shine! We have work to do! Up! Up!"

I moaned and flopped onto my stomach, speaking into the pillow after spying the clock beside me. It was only 6.30 a.m.! Nobody got up at 6.30 on Sunday mornings!

"Tomoyo …. It's only 6.30 for god's sake. I need sleep. You need sleep. We all need sleep. Go back to sleep." And with that I ended the call and fell back into unicorns and fluff balls.

I was woken up barely 3o seconds after by the ringing again. Damn Tomoyo and her persistence.

"What Tomoyo? "

"Get up now, Sakura. I need you for the spying mission today. We need to see if the guy's good enough for Naoko-chan and protect her from the willies of hormonal boys!"

I ran a hand through my hair and nearly hissed.

"Seriously? Tomoyo? That guy looked too demure to even harm a fly! I doubt he would do anything to Naoko-chan. He seems ok to me. I'm sure he's a fine enough. We shouldn't spy on somebody's dates, they are private matters."

"But Sakura~~~ This is Naoko's first date in years! We must be there to support her!"

I sighed and bowed down to the wiles of Tomoyo and promised to meet her half an hour later at the Tomoeda Mall.

Mom was going to be okay, she has been better recently. Much better. She had only had her fits twice this week! It was a great improvement. She's been sleeping peacefully recently, no nightmares though mine still came as often. Only now, it all had the brown-haired boy in it.

I left a note for her at the table along with some breakfast in the microwave and locked all harmful things in the bottommost drawer, closed off all the windows and made sure I bolt off the door before I went to meet Tomoyo. She would be okay for a few hours.

Taking the subway, I arrived at the mall's entrance a few minutes earlier than what I expected. Tomoyo was already there with a binoculars hanging from her neck and a video camera in her hand. I raised an eyebrow at this and gestured to her get up.

"What are these for?"

" To look more closely of course!" Tomoyo replied in a shockingly similar impersonation of the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood. She hohoho-ed her way into the mall and I followed her. It was still early and there was little flow as we walk around trying to find the couple.

"Tomoyo, are you sure they would even be here this early?" I asked as we peeked through the leaves of a potted plant. This is so not cool. I should be laying in my bed and waking up to the afternoon sun, not spying on my friends from a behind a potted plant!

" Shh! We have to be more discreet! Silence is the way of the ninja!"

I rolled my eyes at her and played along to her antics. What had Eriol ever seen in her really?

Just kidding. Tomoyo was as kind as angels when you really needed her. She's very selfless too. Eriol must be the luckiest guy on earth to have her.

Finally, we found Naoko-chan with the shy guy eating at a café and chatting happily. I had never seen Naoko-chan so animated and cheerful. It was as if she was glowing. This must what it is, to be talking to someone you like and like you back. I was envious of her for a moment. She had what I always wanted. Only I pushed mine away with my own hands and I was paying the price. Biting the inside of my cheeks, I turned away and tuned out Tomoyo's gushes of "how cute!" and "Oh, so much love!".

Indeed, so much love. It was beautiful. But it was something I would never have. I guess I was starting to sound whiny. It was my choice to end what little feeling Sy-Li would have for me, and my choice to force him away. I had made the choice so I should not regret it.

Only it was so hard. So, so hard to not mourn for the things that would have been mine. The love that I would have known had I not thrown it all away.

Finally, the sweet couple finished their meal and left for the movies. We followed them to the cinema and hid behind posters as they got the tickets and popcorns.

"Tomoyo, I don't think there is anything more to spy at. It'll be too dark in the cinema."

"Hush! The cinema's always the best place to spy. Besides, this video camera is the latest model from my mom and it has a night vision mode in it." She gushed excitedly from behind the stand –up poster of Kelvin the purple minion.

I gave her the white eye as I shook my head at the various products she got from her mother. Who needs night vision on a video camera anyway?

At last, we settled behind the couple as Tomoyo set up the video camera she had somehow sneaked in to face the couple who was enjoying the popcorn and whispering head to head, breaking apart to giggle at what one of them had said. I sighed and slumped into the chair, dunking my hand into the bucket and surfacing with a handful of golden brown crunchies to munch on as the romance-comedy droned on.

Trust Naoko-chan to choose a movie like this. Isn't the guy supposed to choose a horror movie for the first date? You know, for the cliché and all? So that the girl would clutch on to his shirt when it came to the scary part and all that.

Guess they aren't into clichés then?

At long last , I had gone through the whole two hours of the movie and didn't fall asleep which I congratulated myself for.

As we filed out of the cinema discreetly, afraid that the couple would notice us, I spotted an unruly mop of brown among the crowd and my heart got a hard squeeze.

Could that be who I thought it was?

Don't be silly Sakura. There are countless brunettes with that shade of brown, even if Syao-Li does have it too. I tried to shove it to the back of my mind as I followed Tomoyo while she continued stalking the happy couple. It seemed as if they were going window shopping.

We ended up at a book shop across a boutique. Naoko-chan and that shy-guy-who-doesn't-seemed-so-shy-anymore were browsing through titles from the fiction section.

I glanced around and spotted the mop of brown again and just couldn't stop my curiosity to see if it was Li. I wanted to see him again, though I do get to see him sometimes when I had the same class with him, but it was not enough.

I felt like a stalker worse than Tomoyo when I stare at him throughout the whole lesson as he chatted with Eriol or Chiaki. I watched the way he chatted animatedly when it was something interesting, laughed at the jokes someone had told him, listened attentively to whatever someone was saying and could still answer the professor's questions.

I always felt like a teenage girl in class as I watched him and felt myself blushed when he laughed. His laughs were gorgeous. It wasn't helping any with matter s of the heart though.

Softly I whispered to Tomoyo that I was going to look at the clothes at the boutique across and she nodded absentmindedly from behind a row of very explicit male pictures. A few passersby were looking at her strangely but she was oblivious to it all.

I made my way to the boutique and searched around for that mop of brown and choked as I found it by the row of woman 's clothing.

It was him. It was Li Syaoran.

But he was kissing a girl.

I felt as if a hand had closed around my windpipe and there wasn't enough hair. My vision had gotten blurry and something was filling up my eyes. I clutched at the place where it hurt and tried to rip out the piece that mattered.

It hurt.

Oh, god, it hurt.

Please.

Stop.

Stop kissing her!

I wanted to run away from it all but my legs wouldn't budge as if they were nailed to the floor. I couldn't take it and I was running out of air. I was suffocating.

Suddenly, I was startled from the feeling of falling as a hand patted my shoulder.

"Sakura? What are you doing standing here?" I heard Tomoyo's voice but as if it was still far away. The scene was seared into my mind and I couldn't turn off the repeats. The look of Syaoran's face as he bent a bit to pressed his lips to the girl's. The girl's blush as she kissed back with enthusiasm.

It hurt.

I turned away from Tomoyo and croaked out a lame excuse , " Tomoyo, I'm not feeling well. I-I…I have to go."

"Sakura-" she grabbed my wrist but I was stronger than her and I escaped with my heart in shatters and the tears that I was unable to stop, streaming down my face.

I reached home in a daze , tears still falling and checked up on my mom. She was still sleeping, the food untouched. She looked so peaceful as she slept, a complete opposite of the emotional turbulence I was feeling.

I closed the door to her room and went to mine. Finally able to sob my heart out into my plushie, the winged lion which my dad had given me on my twelve birthday.

How could he? How could he do this to me when he had just told me he loved me?

Why? Why did he do this?! Why?!

It felt as if he had taken a knife and ripped my heart out of my chest, flung it from a hundred floor building and still stomped on the pieces left from the shattering fall.

I curled up into a ball and cried while holding on to myself as if to keep myself whole. I felt broken and betrayed.

But he was free to do as he pleased. It wasn't like we were in any relationship. I had rejected him. He was the Uni's heartthrob and he had loads of girls flinging themselves onto him every second of the day. He had so many girls at his beck and call so what was one little Kinomoto Sakura? She was nothing, wasn't she?

She's just nothing.

It shouldn't matter to me this much.

But, oh god, why did it hurt so much?


Hi guys~ remember me? Haha, guess I have been away too long. So very sorry for the long wait. A lot of things happened.

I'll try to tie it all up soon but it'll still be a few chaps. Hope you guys are still up to it ^^

By the way, is there any Cassiopeia out there? Shout out to me if there is! I'm a Cassiopeia now and an OT5. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, go look for DBSK or any live stages of theirs ( the 5 people version). They are simply awesome singers. Try Love in the Ice or Why did I fall in love with you. Great songs!

See you real soon,

JenAr. XD