A/N: Again, why I didn't post this chapter a few weeks ago? probably because I have difficulty trying to end this chapter. I'm not going to say sorry and make some excuse. Again, I'm in college and I have to do well instead of slacking off. I hope you enjoy it.
Warning: The second half of this chapter briefly (& explicitly) features Mad Moxxi's assets.
-OMAKE-
How to Kill Two Idiots, an Alcoholic (and Their Pyscho) With a Stone
More common than guns; less common than things to shoot at; stupidity comes in copious amounts, especially when you live on Pandora. Mordecai knows this quiet well since he had lived on this godforsaken wasteland for two-or-so-years now. Still, stupidity is sometimes fun when it's the good kind of stupidity. The bad kind however makes you want to shoot yourself in the foot or get sucker-punched in the gut by Brick. The worst kind of the stupidity would usually require a remedy of dubstep by Claptrap. Yes, it's that bad, but not that bad for Mordecai's case. If that phrase didn't make any sense to you at all, Mordecai chose to get sucker punched by Brick instead of listening to Claptrap. This meant that the current situation they were suffering hadn't stooped to Claptrap level, yet. But it certainly did hurt a lot for our favorite bird-loving hunter as he gagged and coughed, "Oh God!"
His body was hunched over. Arms were wrapped around his stomach. Sweat and tears were seeping out of his eyes (and leaking out his goggles) as he moaned, groaned and panted while the pain slowly ebbs away.
"Maybe... That wasn't such a good idea."
"You think?" His female companion sarcastically remarked. She pitied Mordecai for what he just did to himself. It was his fault in the first place to go along with that idea, but all Lilith can do was gently pat him on the back as he slowly recovered from the traumatic experience. The red haired siren even commented that he should be extremely grateful for managing to still be alive without getting crippled. "Because being suckered punch in the gut by Brick is like getting hit by a speeding bullet train." Were her comforting words.
"Glad to be helpful." Brick spoke. He seemed quiet content with his handiwork. Even though the towering meathead wasn't the brightest of the original Vault Hunter trio, a part of him regretted on agreeing to his friend's wishes. Still, he took the liberty on not seriously punching him that hard. It was the weakest punch he ever did if he was to be frank about it. Unfortunately, the standards of 'normal' weak and 'Brick's' weak are very significant. In short, his punches still hurt regardless on how weak he punched.
"Anyways…" Lilith spoke. She was trying to steer back to why they were holding this meeting amongst the Vault Hunters in the first place. Apparently, Gaige and Axton had forgotten to give the space shuttle breaks to Ellie before it was completed. Those two were in hot water under the Siren's wrath. Her calm and collected demeanor wasn't helping make the situation lighter for them. To be frank, it was just making it worse, especially for Axton and more-or-less for Gaige as well. Axton was sweating bullets next her while his pits leaked out body odor like it was a broken gas pipe. The Mechromancer had to wear a nose plug and spray deodorant all over him if she were sit next to him.
"Maybe I should've brought that giant bubble." The teen pouted. "Curse you Cupcake Maker Three Thousand!"
"As you know." Lilith spoke. "Maya and Zer0 have disappeared somewhere in space. We have lost contact of their shuttle for the past forty-eight hours and they are not responding to their ECHOs whenever we were making a call."
Axton's sweat had increased to a waterfall; his armpits were emitting a green mist as though it came from that horror move: "The Fog". The words, "Shit. Shit. Shit." Kept on repeating rapidly inside his head until a punch managed to derail the metaphorical train of his constant cursing.
"THAT'S FOR THE PRETTY LADY!" Kreig screamed. The Pyshco has been very angry, more so than lately. Probably because the inner-part of his mind has been blaming Axton for Maya's disappearance. So it was logical for him to use the 'knock-some-sense-into-him' card as an excuse to hurt him. The inner voice even coined, "He deserve that." To show some satisfaction; Kreig agreed for once with that sane part of him. Unfortunately, the violent side of him thought the punch wasn't enough. He wanted to murder the commando by skinning him alive and poke his eye's out in a bloody galore, but unluckily for our favorite pyscho, his neck was leashed against a ceiling pipe.
"Seems like one of Maya's admirers is angry at you Ax." Gaige teased. "Way to loose the leading lady lover boy."
"How is it my fault entirely?" The Commando gaped. "You're the one that was supposed to be responsible for the damn break!"
" 'Supposed' you say." Gaige pointed. A cheeky grin was formed on her lips. It seems as though Gaige has a story to tell on how they ended up in this predicament in the first place.
"Well... I suppose I'm too young to handle the damn break. Or I suppose to be too clumsy on handling the damn break. Probably I suppose I could be using the damn break as part of one of my deadly upgrades for Deathtrap. Well I suppose it was my fault to follow one of G.I Woe's orders here on handing the damn break to him." Gaige explained. She pointed an accusatory finger towards the commander. "By the way Ax. Was it you who threw in the damn break as part of our card game? Hmm."
"She has a point." Lilith agreed. Kreig and Brick thought the same thing too. Mordecai coughed, "Ditto." With his free hand raised up. He was still recovering from the punch for the whole time.
"Anyways…" Lilith interrupted once more. The meeting was becoming a tangent for the second time in a row. "In these kind of cases. I would usually ask Brick to punish you for your stupid mistake. However, seeing that we're potentially short of hands- and brains as well- I decided that I'm sending you three- and the Pyscho- as the rescue party."
For once, Axton was relieved. He could finally now breathe with great ease. Even if his body now smelled like a mixture sweaty gym socks and industrial waste; it was a small price to pay for not ending up like a cripple without a New-U station for insurance. Although, when he thinks about the scenario he had found himself in. The idea of being confined along side with three crazies within a small shuttle had suddenly lost its appeal to him. The blonde was used to traveling with them for long distances since they first met, unfortunately, he had the other two 'sane' members of the new Vault Hunters to accompany him when it comes to these kinds of journeys. Sadly, those two have gone MIA due to his (admittedly) careless mistake.
So unofficially, as the only qualified 'sane' member of the new Vault Hunters, Axton had self-appointed himself the leader now. This meant that he has the privilege to drive with no argument. As he opened his mouth, Gaige had managed to beat him to the punch.
"Digs on driving the Awesome-ship!" Gaige called out.
"Wait. Wait. Hold on a second for a second. I think I should be the one driving the space shuttle."
"Why?" The teen asked. A small frown was formed on her lips.
"Well for starters, I'm older and more experienced than you missy. Second, You might break something with that robotic arm of yours. Third, you went joy riding with Salvador without my permission. And fourth, you have a tendency of spilling hot-coco on the dashboard. Or worse, put bubble-gum under the driver's seat."
Gaige couldn't help herself but simply eye-roll to Axton's argument. "What a lame excuse for a sore loser." She remarked. "As you know Ax, I'm a way, way, WAY, better driver than you. Remember that time you accidentally drove us over a mountain. Or how about the time you we're distracted by Moxxi's voice that we were nearly slaughtered by Motor Mama and her cohorts. And don't get me started on how you ran over those poor innocent ducks; I could still hear the cries of grieving baby ducklings from the distance."
"Really, Axton? You ran over some ducks?" Lilith questioned. The Siren had caused the Commando to fluster and ramble something incoherent. Although the finger pointing each and his pout shows that he really wanted to drive the shuttle/space-ship thing. As much as Lilith would like to help him out, she doesn't want to cause another argument to explode between the two.
She pinched her forehead and sighed to herself out of mild annoyance. This meeting will never end unless…
"Hey guys. Where's Salvador?"
Two Hours Later...
If searching for Salvador was like looking for money to loot on Pandora; it would be consider to be quiet easy if one were to be bluntly honest about it. Where else would you find a cannibalistic midget with Hispanic roots? The obvious answer would be at the bar of course. Especially when Mad Moxxi was running the watering joint, that woman (and her assets) can definitely draw in a huge crowd like the moth to the flame. Even the infamous Captain Scarlett asked the Vault Hunters once if the buxom beauty had talked about her. Sadly, she didn't; much to their knowledge. That woman had tons of lovers of both sides of the gender spectrum, but people had stopped counting after the divorce of her third husband, Marcus. (Or was it after her ostentatious fling with Motor Mama?)
"Need something Sugar?" the brunette suggestively asked. She was pouring Rakk-Ale into a shot glass while tending the bar at the back. Moxxi looked stunning in purple, especially when her breasts are out for show. Axton and Mordecai couldn't help themselves but stare while Lilith asked if she had seen Salvador.
"Indeed Sugar." Moxxi spoke. She turned and pointed a glove hand to the far corner. Her boobs wiggled, jiggled and shake as she made her motion. Even though Mordecai had the full show one time, he and Axton were aroused on how her tits danced. Sadly for both of them, Gaige managed to catch on what they were staring at. A slap later with her robotic hand had left a very red mark on their faces.
"At least they didn't get any nosebleeds." Lilith remarked. She pitied the middle-aged men to be entranced by Moxxi's charm. The buxom beauty was busy soothing their pain with her words as both men lazily-smiled and blushed at her. Gaige mutter, "Typical..." as she gave them an eye-roll once more. Lilith had gently told her to let them be as they approached to Salvador's corner.
Despite the fact it was already two in the afternoon, Salavador was still passed out from his drinking binge. Bullet-ridden corpses surrounded his table like as though it was a fortress with a pool of blood as its grotesque moat. One unfortunate bastard had his arm removed from its socket; the said arm had found a cozy home within Salvador's cuddling figure. He slept with a smile on his face as though he was a baby sleeping in a cradle. Gaige sometimes wonders to herself on how does he sleep in night without any nightmares to haunt him.
"Hey! Wake up!" Lilith shouted. She gave a small kick to the midget's chair. Sadly for Salvador, the chair tipped over due to the sudden shift in weight. Suddenly, he woke up to find himself falling over and flailed his arms once he had landed on the blood-drenched floor. The language he used should not repeated from any mortal mouth, even if it was being shouted in Spanish and drunken slurs.
"Seems like someone woke up on the wrong-side of bed." Gaige teased. "Afternoon Salvador. How was your killing spree?"
"Did you have to ask?" Lilith retorted.
"I'm trying to lighten up the mood because of the dead bodies lying around."
"Fair enough." The red-haired Siren shrugged in response. She looked back towards Salvador was now on his feet. He greeted, "Hola señora Lilith ¿Qué necesitas" in enthusiastic tone and looked like as though he was starting to sober up.
Lilith still finds it weird when it comes to talking with Salvador. Especially his height was underneath her waistline; he was a dwarf to her. Although, living on Pandora had made her adapt to all kinds of situations that this planet throws at her. Especially when it comes to the weird ones, it had become one of her specialties for some odd reason.
"Yeah. Sup." Lilith spoke, it started off with an awkward conversation on how was he doing and if he has any plans for the day. Fortunately, Salvador had none, and asked her again if she needed anything. Lilith replied with a straightforward, "yes." Before explaining about the current situation that the Vault Hunters were in. Although, the awkwardness on directly speaking with the human dwarf gradually faded away. And surprisingly, for a man who constantly curses, shouts, drinks and shoots any poor shmuck whom looks at him wrongly with two guns. He is rather attentive when comes to listening to the major and minor details Lilith was spouting out. He even asked questions to clarify certain things he didn't understand.
"So let me get this straight. Maya and Zero are lost somewhere in the great outer space?" He repeated.
"Yes. Yes they are." Lilith nodded.
"Uh-huh... So what do you need me for?" Salvador questioned.
"Well... I need you to choose who would be the better driver? Gaige or Axton? You can't choose yourself though, or else I have to shoot you in the foot?"
"'Kay. Kay. señora, please, don't get your panties in a twist." Ushered the cannibalistic midget. "Let see... Who should I pick... Well I could always pick..."
"ME!"
"Who?" Lilith questioned. She was confused on who had interrupted their conversation. Although her answer came in form of as hook while it wrapped around her shoulder. Next, she heard Gaige exclaimed, "Captain Scarlett!" As though she was ripped off from a Scooby-Doo Cartoon.
"Who else?" The cockney Pirate replied rhetorically; her smiles were bright as usual. Although, Salvador and Gaige didn't take her sudden appearance too kindly because of their past history with her. What had stopped them from taking out their guns and shoot at her was Lilith being stuck in the middle of their crossfire. So they sticked to glaring daggers at her instead. A big question mark had formed itself on top of the red-haired Siren's head. "Whose the chick?" Lilith asked.
"Captain Scarlett." The new vault hunters mumbled.
"Nice to meet ya" Scarlet replied. She unwrapped her hook off Lilith's shoulders and did a polite bow as a greeting. Although, Gaige and Salvador did a surprise attack by pouncing at her. In return, she took a step back and made the two idiots head butt each other.
"Thought I never see that coming?" She sniggered. "To be honest; I know you two are still angry at me. So I'm here to give my sincere apologies for doing all the horrible things I did to you in the past."
"Such as back-stabbing?" Gaige remarked.
"Sorry. Old habits do die hard, but I'm improving by focusing on charity."
"Like?" Lilith questioned; arms already folded. She generally got the gist of things that these two idiots really hate the tan woman right in front of her. Although, she was kind enough not to kill them yet as she made her sudden appearance. The bow was an added bonus, so Lilith gave her a chance to give her side of the which, she had found out that Captain Scarlett is offering her services to drive a space-ship as sort of charity. She commented it was like driving a ship, except more "spacey" in her own words. Lilith was rather reluctant to give her that position over the hell-bent nature between the Mechromancer and the Commander. But, when she thinks about it: Lilith can added to the punishment pile. Although, the disturbing part was how did the fearsome pirate get such 'secret' information.
"For a robot who's under your employment: He can't keep his mouth shut." Scarlett remarked.
"Claptrap..." The yellow-eyed woman growled, Lilith is gonna teach him a lesson again.
"Anyways, Do we get a deal?"
"Yeah. Why not?"
"WHAT!" Gaige gaped. "But-But-But, the Awesome ship. It was gonna be mine!" She cried.
"Then that's your punishment." Lilith retorted, "You're not allowed to drive the spaceship. Whose fault was it to even agree with Axton's idea in the first place?"
"Fine..." Gaige sighed.
"Good." Lilith nodded; finally there was some semblance of control. She had got her conclusion, now she needed to drag Axton and Mordecai out of the bar before they drool on the floor.
Once a back up plan incase the first mission failed (inevitably). Lilith along with Brick and Mordecai managed to salvage a Hyperion space Shuttle Tiny Tina tried to blow up. It may not be big and powerful as the ones Dahl uses. However when you thrown in two redneck mechanics, a mad scientist and some scrap metal, you get a pretty badass ship. Especially when a pin-up Lilith was painted on the side. The red-haired siren was mildly flattered… and annoyed as well, but mostly flattered.
"Seems like my charm hasn't gone out of style." Lilith spoke with high regard. "Let's hope my face doesn't be remembered as the 'bitch who wiped an entire planet".
"Relax." Ellie comforted with her Southern slang. The plump sized woman told her that the ship doesn't have the power to incinerate an entire planet.
"Just some big'ol cannon that can turned metal in melted butter."
"Oh Joy!" Exclaimed the pirate Queen. "Daddy never got me one when I turned seventeen. Instead, he tried to kill me!"
….
"Way too much info Scarlett." Gaige snapped. She was still pretty pissed off by the fact she won't drive the ship.
