It was so dark. Hadn't it just been mid-morning? Why was Gabe watching cartoons in his dorm room? And oh god why did he have to pee so badly?

The futon creaked as Cas shifted into a half-sitting position, completely giving him away to his big, overprotective brother. Gabe was kneeling next to him in an instant.

"What do you need Cas? Water? Food? I should have called 911, I knew it. Ugh can you walk? How's your head? Wiggle your toes for me. Cas say something!"

Gabe's sheer panic overwhelmed Cas' groggy brain. He mustered enough strength to push himself off the futon, grunt in Gabe's general direction, and stumble to his bathroom for what felt like the second time in mere minutes.

But the mirror told him otherwise. His eyes we're glassy, bright blue surrounded by stark white laced with red veins. The bags under his eyes were dark, and his hair was massacred into some horrible fauxhawk type style that he knew would never happen voluntarily. He wiped a hand slowly across his ragged features, dragging the skin taut over his cheekbones. Ugh, he looked like death warmed over. And felt more like death that had cooled considerably, a rigor mortis deep in his soul.

He hastily peed in the direction of the toilet, weariness washing over him so violently he wanted nothing more than to crash land into his bed. He shuffled out and around the mess on his floor, heading directly to his unfortunately small bed. Gabe didn't even attempt to stop him, which was good because Cas didn't have any fight left in him. He wasn't even sure what he would be fighting for. Or even what he had been fighting for.

He let out an involuntary huff as his body landed on the bed, blankets fluttering up to wrap themselves around his feet and legs. His eyes were closed but Cas could hear Gabe shifting between the futon on the bed, floorboards rasping under his weight. Finally Cas felt the bed shift, and then there was silence. It surrounded him. It was too loud, too stuffy, too hot, too quiet. The silence roared in his ears like a freight train, careening off into some echoing chamber of stone beneath a mountain of thoughts scattered by the sheer force. Blessedly Gabe whispered Cas' name just as the silence became overwhelming enough to make Cas scream.

"Cas. Bro. You're making me nervous. What's going on? You can tell me little brother. Anything at all."

Did he have the strength to do this right now? But when else was he going to have prime open season to lay it all out for Gabe? Probably never, until Gabe walked in on him bending some poor guy over that precarious coffee table. And that was so far from ideal. Better now when Cas could maybe later claim partial insanity or fever or something that would make Gabe laugh it all off as a sick joke from little Cassie. And thank fuck Gabe had stopped calling him Cassie.

"Cas?"

"Mmmm. One. Sec. Gabe."

"Yeah, sure kid. You need water or something?"

"No. Just gimme- gimme a minute."

It might have been a minute. Maybe two, maybe ten. Maybe it had been an hour and Gabe was just really good at sitting stock-still. But more likely it had been a minute. Cas kept his head down in the soft, warm down of his comforter as he began.

"Look. I let Meg talk me into taking a Pop Culture class. Don't fucking laugh at me Gabe. I don't know why, I was sick of people mocking me for not knowing shit about Star Wars Trek of whatthefuckever it is. So we went and ugh fuck…"

Cas shifted to a moderately comfortable sitting position, keeping his head resting on one of his propped up knees before he continued.

"So we get to class and of course we're late, last two people to get there, and we end up sitting in the damn front row because heaven forbid Meg doesn't sit next to me, and she makes me sit next to this goddamn kid he's gotta be a freshman or a sophomore he's a fucking kid Gabe but he's got these lips and then he spoke words and i can't even remember what he said but it was so deep it went straight to my fucking cock and oh god I just shouldn't have even been there and then Meg thought it was all because of her because she's so goddamn full of herself and I fucking fucked her in a bathroom and all I could think about was Dean's eyes and that mouth and I wanted to be balls deep in him not Meg fucking Christ I don't even… I can't…."

He dared to peek up at Gabe as he caught his breath. Last time he dropped a bomb like this on his older brother it had been snowing, he had been freezing, and had showed up on Gabe's very small doorstep with a suitcase.

Gabe had a look of confusion mingling with what Cas could swear was amusement. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, then opened it again and what the fuck was he getting at right now?!

"Gabe?"

Gabe put up one lone index finger, then pressed that finger to his lips that were curling into a smile.

"Gabe what the fuck man?!"

It was obvious Gabe was holding back laughter as he spoke. "Cas, bro, you're having a panic attack because- because you thought some dude in your Pop Culture class was hot?"

When it was put that way, it did seem kind of superfluous that Cas was having a meltdown over this. But for the love of God, Cas wasn't supposed to like guys. The whole reason he had shown up on Gabe's doorstep was because he offhandedly mentioned he thought some guy on his rugby team was "kinda cute". Not that Gabe knew that, Cas had told him some bold-faced lie about Uriel and Michael being assholes which wasn't hard to believe considering the reputation their elder brothers had made for themselves.

Cas just looked at Gabe through squinted eyes. He was fairly sure he looked like a confused puppy. He felt like one, at least.

"Uh. Yes? I mean I was pretty horrible to Meg after class, so maybe that too. But yes, mostly-" he swallowed thickly around the name as he spat it out "mostly Dean."

"Kid, you seriously need to take up running or something because even getting laid is not helping you chill the hell out! You're not chained to Meg like she wants you to think, Cas. You don't even call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Let yourself be some kind of happy, bro."

"Wait but, don't you care that Dean is a, well, a-"

"A person with a penis? Nah man. Genitalia doesn't make a person Cas. If you liked someone with all the parts I wouldn't care. I might make you tape that from a good point of-"

"Gabe that is fucking disgusting! Stop!"

Gabe just gave a barking laugh and ruffled Cas' severely disheveled hair. It was sign of affection he hadn't used since that winter night on his apartment door step. It warmed Cas' heart to know he'd always have someone as easy-going and understanding as Gabriel.

"So whattya going to do 'bout Dean-o? He's taking Pop Culture so he's either like you, clueless, or really into nerd shit."

"It's the latter. He kept going on about all the 'awesome' stuff we'd be discussing. Mainly to me because the teacher seemed to be fed up with his brown-nosing about 2 seconds after Dean opened his mouth."

"Well little bro, start talking back next time. He can teach you a thing or twelve so I don't have to. And who cares if he's a freshman because I know that's going to be your next complaint. Just don't worry. There's a reason you said yes to taking a class that won't even count towards your major, Cas. Serendipitous, if you will, but nonetheless pretty damn awesome. Go for it."

Cas still felt a little off-kilter, like his world might still come crashing down on his head if he wiggled too hard. But for now, Gabe was the Atlas to his Earth, bolstering Cas up when he needed support the most. Instead of arguing, Cas just shrugged, gave his brother a tired half-smile, and just sighed "Yeah, alright." into the crook of his arm.

Gabe stood up, stretching himself out. He had probably missed his shift at work for all this shit. But he'd never let Cas pay him back, or even apologize for it. He'd just tell Cas to shove it, not to worry, because that's what Gabe always did in the end. Crisis averted. No big deal.

"Hey Cas?" Gabe's voice knocked Cas out of his thoughts. He answered by turning his head to face Gabe, who was halfway out the door.

"If Dean-o turns out to be alright, we have to marathon Star Wars with you. If he's a serial killer, I never told you any of this."

Gabe winked, and then was gone. Cas chuckled as he slid deep down into the calm waters that lapped at his consciousness. and when he closed his eyes, there was only a warm comforting feeling surrounding him, and a soft breeze that smelled like musty books and motor oil.