Chapter Four: It Haunts Me Every Time I Close My Eyes

As I drive my way through Hollywood, I can still hear my dad's words echoing in my head.The world kept on spinning after you left… Loren has moved on. After two years and a half, I could not expect her to still be single. I know her relationship status is probably public, with pictures of her and a new boyfriend, but I have never been one to follow the media. Even when I was dating her, I never paid attention to what people said about us, and neither did she. She was different from Chloe, who loved the spotlight; Loren actually hated being followed and photographed. She just wanted to live a low-key life as a normal girl, and her family and friends successfully kept her down to earth. She liked having her privacy, and I wanted to respect that even when I was almost 3000 miles away from her. As for me, I did not care about what others thought about my personal life. One of the perks of living in New York was that I was not followed as much by the paparazzi, but gossip still flew left and right about potential lovers I had. I did not let it bring me down though; I had to remember that the only people who knew my smallest secrets and what was really going on in my life were the only people who mattered to me: my dad, Nora, Jake, Ian… and Loren. I am fully aware that I probably do not matter to her anymore. I admit, some days I was tempted to check online and see how she was doing, but it hurt too much to think that she might be enjoying her life without me next to her. I know now that it was selfish, especially since I am the one who broke up with her, but in all honesty, it would have killed me to see her laughing because of some other guy.

I feel nervous. I do not know what to expect. What if we do not get back to where we left off? Who am I kidding; we will not get back to where we left off. I took off and disappeared to the East Coast. I disappointed my father and Nora, I believe even my mother is quietly shaking her head up in Heaven. Loren must hate me now, and with reason. Suddenly, I do not think it is such a good idea to go see her. She certainly does not want me to see her. Plus, I am not so sure I want to risk seeing her with someone else… Nevertheless, I keep driving until me GPS tells me I arrived at my destination.

I find myself in front of a tall modern building. While driving, I did not realize where I have ventured. I park myself, get out of the car and admire the neighborhood. It is much more luxurious – and populated – than the Valley. I am near the downtown of Los Angeles; I can hear the busy boulevard not far away from here. It makes me happy to know that Loren has made it. Her hard work and dedication to her music and her fans have brought her very far; I am so proud of everything she has achieved.

One of the building's pale stucco walls is full of wide windows and I wonder which ones belong to her. I hold the address Nora has given me tightly, making sure it does not flow out with the wind. At the front door, I am relieved to observe that I can open the door on my own, and that I do not need Loren to buzz me in. If that was the case, I would not have any chance of getting in. I quickly call the elevator and make my way to the fifth floor. My heads are sweaty again; hopefully it does not show when I see her. A few seconds pass and the doors open to a carpeted hallway with modest decoration, just as the lobby was. I smile at the thought that it represents Loren pretty well; she is modest yet exciting when you get to know her, humble yet so classy. Finding her apartment is simple and I make my way to the door. Breathing deeply, I ring the bell and I wait.

When she opens the door, I am rendered speechless, and I guess so does she. I open my mouth and try to get words out of it but nothing comes out. I am only able to stare at her sorrowfully, hoping that she would let me in. However, her eyes tell me otherwise and before I can take another look at her, she slams the door shut. This is my wake up call. I knock softly and call her across the door. "Loren… Loren, let me in. I need to talk to you."

She swings the door open abruptly and makes me slightly lose balance. "Last time you wanted to talk was the last time we talked… Two years and a half ago. So you might want to talk to me, but I don't want to talk to you. Have a good day, Eddie." She tries to close the door on me – again – but I am faster, and my foot prevents her from doing so. "Please, hear me out."

"Why would I?"

"Please," I am begging her.

She sighs and lets me in, defeated. I walk in carefully to not step in her comfort zone; I do not intend on making her uncomfortable. Her living room is tidy and chic with a white couch and colorful pillows; it appears luxurious but she has made it cozy. The glass coffee table has papers and magazines pilled on it, and her shelves have a few things scattered over them. The large windows let a lot of sunlight in and it reflects on some picture frames, but I cannot see the pictures themselves. After scanning the room, my eyes land back on her, whose arms are crossed and lips are tightly shut.

"I have to leave soon," she says. "So make it quick."

I clear my throat. "I… just wanted to come here to tell you that I really regret what I did, and that I just want to move forward with my life. I know you probably don't want me back, but I just want to apologize for being so stupid. I was young, I was an idiot, and now I want to redeem myself… I was hoping maybe we could start over?"

Loren chuckles sarcastically. "Ha. Are you serious? You were hoping we could start over? No fucking way, Eddie!" I flinch. Loren usually never swore, except when she was extremely upset. "What did you expect? That you could just come over, bang on my door, ask for my forgiveness and that I'll come back to you? 'Cause that's not gonna happen, my friend. Life's not that easy, neither for you, neither for me. You think it was painless for me to live on after you left? To try to stand still and wait for you? You know, I was secretly hoping you'd come back, that you'd come to your senses and that you'd come back to me. I was wishing that you weren't such a coward and that you'd face whatever bugged you with me, that you would ask me to help you… but no. Instead you just turned around and left; you weren't able to face your fears... You're right, you were an idiot, you were stupid and you were just a coward." If looks could kill, I would certainly be in Hell by now. Her tone was bitter, and it did not sound like her. Her voice was shaking by now and her lips, quivering. "You were not better than… than Trent. You acted exactly like he did. And you know how much he disgusts me, as a dad and as a man. I heard about girls dating men like their fathers, but I never thought it'd actually be true, yet happen to me! And for that, Eddie…" I surely was not expecting this when I came here. I can barely look at her, but I know that her eyes are tearing up. "… I hate you." And just like that, she shot me a bullet to the heart.

"Loren… I'm so sorry – "

"Don't even start apologizing. You know – " Her phone rings before she can go on. She looks at her screen and hesitates.

"Answer," I say. "Don't mind me." It might have sounded sarcastic to someone else, but my words are nothing but serious. Loren picks up her phone and walks to the kitchen adjacent to the living room. She does not want me to hear her but I do catch part of her conversation.

"Yeah, I'm going to get them today… No! Listen, can we not talk about this now? When are you coming back anyway? … Tomorrow then… No, seriously, we're not discussing this over the phone." She sounds upset but not as much as she was with me. "Yeah, sure… Okay, have a safe flight… Yeah, me too. Bye." Before she comes back, I have the time to glimpse around. My curiosity gets the best of me and I walk up to the picture frames. My eyes widen at the sight of the photos but Loren walks in before it really sinks in. "Sneaking around, huh?"

"Sorry…"

"Don't." She bites her nails gently which, I have learned, shows her nervousness. It is now that I notice the gleam of light that seems to reflect from Loren's hand, from her left hand precisely. Her ring finger is garnished with a simple band where rests a shimmering gem. Obviously. That had to happen. Right, it all makes sense now. My inner self is crying over the loss of a friend. She sees me looking at her hand and she realizes I figured it out. A few seconds of silence hover before she confesses almost with guilt, "I'm… married." My world stops. How come did I not know about this? How come did my dad not tell me about this? Fury slowly takes over my sadness. "Was that him? On the phone?" I ask her with a tiny voice, such as that of a child asking for forgiveness. She nods, "Yeah… He just called from Philadelphia. He has been there for work for a few days and is coming back tomorrow night." Her tone is composed now, and she no longer looks furious, but I cannot even react to that change of timbre. I am stunned.

I cannot help but ask her, "why? Why him?"

"You really did expect me to stay here and sulk and wait around for you to come back? Which, by the way, you do out of the blue two years and a half later? Are you that out of your mind, Eddie?! Did you forget that you were the one who broke things off for what reason I don't know?" I'm shaking my head slowly, not only to answer the question but also to try and wrap my mind around it. "Cameron treats me right, Eddie, and that's something you were never able to do. When you left, I doubted myself… I – I thought something was wrong with me… But now I know… You left me for you. And I hope it's worth it, I hope you're seriously enjoying your own company." It hurts like hell, as if someone is spearing me right through the heart and taking it out. I loved you, more than I ever loved myself. I still do. I did treat you right. Or did I? I know I tried my best. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. I loved you so much… But I couldn't live with that while I hated myself. I am broken, shattered into millions of pieces. She deserves so much more than what I can give her and I really hope Cameron is worthy of her love. Love. It is such a tough word to say about the one who got away and another man. How I wish I could tell her everything I am feeling.

"I'm sorry for wasting your time… Maybe I should – I should leave," I stutter, holding back tears that are threatening of falling any time now. I turn my back at her and walk toward the door slowly.

"Yeah, sure. It's not like I'm not used to it anyway." Ouch. I wish I could take everything back and make it all better. I wish I could have stopped her father from leaving her life. I wish I was not so stupid for ruining mine. But I cannot do any of that; what has been done is done, and it cannot be changed.

I face her, "I'm so so – I mean… I understand that you hate me. I know that I hurt you… and that must be an understatement. But just remember that whether I'm here or not, I'll never forget you and I'll never forget us." She does not say a word; she is simply standing there, leaning on the side of the door. "Whether you want it or not, whether you do or not… I still love you." I see her swallow, I see her blink, but I cannot hear her say it back. I nod. Nora was wrong; Loren does not still love me.

"Goodbye Eddie." Just like that, she closes the door on me; she closes the door on our relationship. And the tears that I was fighting back now fall quietly.


Author's Note: I hope you like this chapter as much as I liked writing it (it even stepped on my studying… oops)! This definitely was my favorite to write to date so hopefully you enjoyed it. I apologize for those who wanted happy Leddie times but to be honest, this is sadly not really a fluffy joyful story so you shouldn't be expecting any of this. I know a lot of you probably hate me (or want to throw me rocks) for pairing Loren with Cameron but all will be fine, believe me. Also, I just wanted to tell you that this is going to be a short story, with less than 10 chapters. Most of the story is planned out, and I can already tell you that the ending sucks (meh, we'll see) but I'm still pretty excited. So keep your reviews coming! I might not reply to them, but I do love reading them; they serve as fuel! (: